even the stars sometimes fade to grey, even the stars hide away
Holy crap.
So it occurred to me the other day that my life has changed DRASTICALLY since I moved out. That's super obvious, but sometimes I seriously forget. Three years is a long time. That's, like, a third of my conscious existance! I am officially a Minneapolis-ite, not just a transplant. Duluth isn't home, just "where I grew up" and "where my parents live". It's super bizarre.
I mean, okay. Three years ago I was fresh out of a relationship with a lesbian, I was moving to Minneapolis pretty much solely to transition, I was heading into school for massage therapy. Now...I'm 2.75 years into a relationship with an amazing dude, using mostly female pronouns, planning a WEDDING (holyf-ingwtfbbq), pursuing retail management...ET CETERA.
I just...wow. Sometimes it blows my mind. Because overall, I am really, REALLY happy. Three years ago, besides all that other stuff, I was also deep into a whole lot of depression, self-hate, sexual dysfunction...you name it. Now...I have weepy mood swings once a month (*cough*), and some wheel-spinning anxiety, but...I'm so much healthier.
Sometimes I feel like such a walking stereotype. You know: acted all butchy, dated girls, decided I must be a boy...and then fell in love with a guy and was like "LOL JK I CAN BE A LADY". I've talked about this before, and I'm not trying to just do an emotional rehash here...it's just one of those things that BLOWS MY MIND. I'm comfortable with the situation; after all, sometimes "be yourself" means "fuck the dominant paradigm!", and sometimes, apparently, it means "fuck the alternate paradigm that presents itself as your only alternative to The Norm!".
(Mermaid and I once had an argument about how difficult it was for her to be in a relationship with Griffin that appeared heteronormative, and not be acknowledged for the queer femme that she is. I objected that I would very much like to blend in, for at the time I was attempting, usually failing, to pass, and was constantly being harassed for my gender expression no matter which way I was being read. I realize now how right she was, and how potent invisibility can be. It's unfortunate that one must seemingly choose between the possibility of harassment and the possibility of being silenced from the outset.)
Anyway.
It is very bizarre to be planning a privileged, heteronormative ritual in a relationship that appears much more mainstream than it really is. The Wedding Industrial Complex is kind of horrifying, guys. And while I have no doubts whatever about my relationship with Jon, it's very intimidating and kind of a mindfuck to think about this plan and myself and our life together in relation to gender, sex, and hetero privilege.
Plus, I forget sometimes how invisible my gender shenanigans are to others, now. I still have some soft butch-ness going on, and I feel damn good in a shirt and tie, but now I'm just a slobby/casual-dresser chick with short hair. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
KfhdakjhgdakdghhaiuhieuangiufeangafiunVISIBILITYANDQUEERNESS! Argh.
Well, as long as I'm here, look at these cool "traditional Irish" wedding vows I found. Do want?
You cannot possess me, for I belong to myself.
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.
You cannot command me, for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you in those ways you require,
And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry for help,
And the eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup.
I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care.
I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine.
I shall not slander you, nor you me.
I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel we shall do so in private and tell no strangers our grievances.
This is my wedding vow to you,
This is the marriage of equals.
Um. Yes.
I don't know what else. I have just been thinking a lot lately. Weight of tradtional institutions and all that. I told Heron on the phone last night that I need some solidarity from somewhere; I'm the first of my close friends to get engaged/married, my sister is essentially a nun, I'm not close with my mom...I didn't exactly dream out my wedding growing up. Plus the whole FAAB thing. Yikeserooni. (I'm going to use that word now forever.)
It will all be well. My life is actually pretty rad, no matter how large of a departure it has made from a few years back. Perhaps I will be saying that same thing in another 3 years...who knows. I've learned a lot.
Peace out, lovers.
So it occurred to me the other day that my life has changed DRASTICALLY since I moved out. That's super obvious, but sometimes I seriously forget. Three years is a long time. That's, like, a third of my conscious existance! I am officially a Minneapolis-ite, not just a transplant. Duluth isn't home, just "where I grew up" and "where my parents live". It's super bizarre.
I mean, okay. Three years ago I was fresh out of a relationship with a lesbian, I was moving to Minneapolis pretty much solely to transition, I was heading into school for massage therapy. Now...I'm 2.75 years into a relationship with an amazing dude, using mostly female pronouns, planning a WEDDING (holyf-ingwtfbbq), pursuing retail management...ET CETERA.
I just...wow. Sometimes it blows my mind. Because overall, I am really, REALLY happy. Three years ago, besides all that other stuff, I was also deep into a whole lot of depression, self-hate, sexual dysfunction...you name it. Now...I have weepy mood swings once a month (*cough*), and some wheel-spinning anxiety, but...I'm so much healthier.
Sometimes I feel like such a walking stereotype. You know: acted all butchy, dated girls, decided I must be a boy...and then fell in love with a guy and was like "LOL JK I CAN BE A LADY". I've talked about this before, and I'm not trying to just do an emotional rehash here...it's just one of those things that BLOWS MY MIND. I'm comfortable with the situation; after all, sometimes "be yourself" means "fuck the dominant paradigm!", and sometimes, apparently, it means "fuck the alternate paradigm that presents itself as your only alternative to The Norm!".
(Mermaid and I once had an argument about how difficult it was for her to be in a relationship with Griffin that appeared heteronormative, and not be acknowledged for the queer femme that she is. I objected that I would very much like to blend in, for at the time I was attempting, usually failing, to pass, and was constantly being harassed for my gender expression no matter which way I was being read. I realize now how right she was, and how potent invisibility can be. It's unfortunate that one must seemingly choose between the possibility of harassment and the possibility of being silenced from the outset.)
Anyway.
It is very bizarre to be planning a privileged, heteronormative ritual in a relationship that appears much more mainstream than it really is. The Wedding Industrial Complex is kind of horrifying, guys. And while I have no doubts whatever about my relationship with Jon, it's very intimidating and kind of a mindfuck to think about this plan and myself and our life together in relation to gender, sex, and hetero privilege.
Plus, I forget sometimes how invisible my gender shenanigans are to others, now. I still have some soft butch-ness going on, and I feel damn good in a shirt and tie, but now I'm just a slobby/casual-dresser chick with short hair. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
KfhdakjhgdakdghhaiuhieuangiufeangafiunVISIBILITYANDQUEERNESS! Argh.
Well, as long as I'm here, look at these cool "traditional Irish" wedding vows I found. Do want?
You cannot possess me, for I belong to myself.
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.
You cannot command me, for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you in those ways you require,
And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry for help,
And the eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup.
I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care.
I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine.
I shall not slander you, nor you me.
I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel we shall do so in private and tell no strangers our grievances.
This is my wedding vow to you,
This is the marriage of equals.
Um. Yes.
I don't know what else. I have just been thinking a lot lately. Weight of tradtional institutions and all that. I told Heron on the phone last night that I need some solidarity from somewhere; I'm the first of my close friends to get engaged/married, my sister is essentially a nun, I'm not close with my mom...I didn't exactly dream out my wedding growing up. Plus the whole FAAB thing. Yikeserooni. (I'm going to use that word now forever.)
It will all be well. My life is actually pretty rad, no matter how large of a departure it has made from a few years back. Perhaps I will be saying that same thing in another 3 years...who knows. I've learned a lot.
Peace out, lovers.