On Friday Liz told me I have "the greatest hair in America".
So it's Easter, right? My sister's at church and my mom is cooking an elaborate lunch and I just finished licking a beater full of frosting.
I was talking to Kingfisher yesterday and I think it's interesting how two of our senses are demonized in this culture. Sight, hearing, and scent are taken very much for granted, and also they are enjoyed whenever possible. We listen to music constantly, we see/watch/look with little fear of judgment, and people practically bathe in perfumes and colognes. But where are taste and touch? If you appreciate your food, if you eat things that taste good just because they taste good--you must be a glutton. You must have an addiction to food, you must be out of your mind to be eating that! Touch is sexualized in nearly all cases, which leads to a whole different sort of condemnation. Why can't we just give a hug? Why can't we enjoy a back rub from a friend? Why can't we use our fingertips to feel each other without having it automatically made sexual?
It's not just social stigma, the way smoking is. Taste and touch have become seen as actual sins. What church would tell you not to look at a beautiful sunrise? If the topic came up at all, they would say that it is proof of God's greatness, and so you should be filled with enjoyment by it. But many churches or groups shun the idea that we can enjoy our food for anything other than nourishment. But isn't that God's bounty also? Isn't that delicious, ripe strawberry equal proof of a benign deity as the sunrise? Or holding hands with someone you love? Feeling their breath on your cheek as you fall asleep in each other's arms? I should think that would be one of the purest, most beautiful tactile expressions conceivable, but the church is constantly warning us how touch leads to other, less sacred things. (That point merits its own argument entirely, and I do understand where they're coming from, but I think it is equal faults of the people and of the moral authorities the way touch is sexualized so as to be inseparable from illicit fornication.)
(On the sexual end of the sin spectrum, Kingfisher brought up an interesting point. We pray before eating, we pray before sleeping, we pray for a workday to go well...how long will it be before we pray before sex? "Oh Lord, please bless and consecrate this carnal knowledge I am about to enjoy..." Hehe.)
Anyway. Rant over.
The last two weeks have gone by at a snail's pace. It's ridiculous. I don't know cause-and-effect for this particular situation, but I can feel myself slipping back down into a bad cycle. I've realized recently the tendency for my emotions to go in cycles. They're about a month or a month and a half long, each one, and I go from high to low in the space of a few days, then level out and stay there for some weeks, then suddenly reappear at the top of the slide. When I'm having a "good" cycle I am buoyant, impervious, even oblivious to my problems. Everything is perfect. During a "bad" time I am almost constantly irritable, frequently depressed or lonely, and I push away or bottle up my feelings. That's not to say that there are not good days in bad cycles, or bad days in good cycles, but it's like the default happiness setting ratchets up or down a few notches on an almost-predictable time-table. (The reason why this is weird or significant is because it seems like it's barely based on circumstances, if at all. Things are no better or worse one day than they are the next, but my entire mindset changes in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason. Maybe it's brain chemistry, maybe I'm imagining it. I dunno.)
Thursday was a bad day and Friday was worse. There was ridiculous drama with GSA and I ended up crying my way through lunch with Lioness. It was dumb. (That's all I have to say on that subject.) Friday night I went skiing with Bluebird. Nate was going to join us but his family ended up invading for Easter, so we went by ourselves. We briefly encountered Trevor, but he had to leave soon after. We skiied for a couple hours, (and talked about deep stuff on the chairlifts) and then went to my house to drink cocoa and watch A Beautiful Mind. It was lovely. Yesterday I had to get up early to teach at the dojang, and when I got home I got to take a long shower and clean my room at a leisurely pace. I made lunch, packed some up, and went out to Kingfisher's. We watched Death Note, and went for a walk on the lake, and made guacamole. I love eating dinner at his house. His brother Tyler and Tyler's fiance Brenda are almost always there to help cook, and then his parents wander through the kitchen snatching bites out of things. We're all spread around the kitchen doing our own separate tasks, but there's always a pervading air of community and goodwill. It's nice.
Today I guess I am chilling with my family? I was supposed to have to work at the other house, but my dad said that he wanted me here at home so I have to shovel the driveway in exchange. I don't really care either way. The sucky thing is that I was going to maybe hang out with Pine Marten and Koala, and now I doubt that'll go down. Ah well.
Tomorrow is school. Spring Break's not for another million weeks, it seems like. I work next weekend for the car show, and I feel like I have a Friday night commitment but I can't remember what it is. I want to see Brandon. : (
I was talking to Kingfisher yesterday and I think it's interesting how two of our senses are demonized in this culture. Sight, hearing, and scent are taken very much for granted, and also they are enjoyed whenever possible. We listen to music constantly, we see/watch/look with little fear of judgment, and people practically bathe in perfumes and colognes. But where are taste and touch? If you appreciate your food, if you eat things that taste good just because they taste good--you must be a glutton. You must have an addiction to food, you must be out of your mind to be eating that! Touch is sexualized in nearly all cases, which leads to a whole different sort of condemnation. Why can't we just give a hug? Why can't we enjoy a back rub from a friend? Why can't we use our fingertips to feel each other without having it automatically made sexual?
It's not just social stigma, the way smoking is. Taste and touch have become seen as actual sins. What church would tell you not to look at a beautiful sunrise? If the topic came up at all, they would say that it is proof of God's greatness, and so you should be filled with enjoyment by it. But many churches or groups shun the idea that we can enjoy our food for anything other than nourishment. But isn't that God's bounty also? Isn't that delicious, ripe strawberry equal proof of a benign deity as the sunrise? Or holding hands with someone you love? Feeling their breath on your cheek as you fall asleep in each other's arms? I should think that would be one of the purest, most beautiful tactile expressions conceivable, but the church is constantly warning us how touch leads to other, less sacred things. (That point merits its own argument entirely, and I do understand where they're coming from, but I think it is equal faults of the people and of the moral authorities the way touch is sexualized so as to be inseparable from illicit fornication.)
(On the sexual end of the sin spectrum, Kingfisher brought up an interesting point. We pray before eating, we pray before sleeping, we pray for a workday to go well...how long will it be before we pray before sex? "Oh Lord, please bless and consecrate this carnal knowledge I am about to enjoy..." Hehe.)
Anyway. Rant over.
The last two weeks have gone by at a snail's pace. It's ridiculous. I don't know cause-and-effect for this particular situation, but I can feel myself slipping back down into a bad cycle. I've realized recently the tendency for my emotions to go in cycles. They're about a month or a month and a half long, each one, and I go from high to low in the space of a few days, then level out and stay there for some weeks, then suddenly reappear at the top of the slide. When I'm having a "good" cycle I am buoyant, impervious, even oblivious to my problems. Everything is perfect. During a "bad" time I am almost constantly irritable, frequently depressed or lonely, and I push away or bottle up my feelings. That's not to say that there are not good days in bad cycles, or bad days in good cycles, but it's like the default happiness setting ratchets up or down a few notches on an almost-predictable time-table. (The reason why this is weird or significant is because it seems like it's barely based on circumstances, if at all. Things are no better or worse one day than they are the next, but my entire mindset changes in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason. Maybe it's brain chemistry, maybe I'm imagining it. I dunno.)
Thursday was a bad day and Friday was worse. There was ridiculous drama with GSA and I ended up crying my way through lunch with Lioness. It was dumb. (That's all I have to say on that subject.) Friday night I went skiing with Bluebird. Nate was going to join us but his family ended up invading for Easter, so we went by ourselves. We briefly encountered Trevor, but he had to leave soon after. We skiied for a couple hours, (and talked about deep stuff on the chairlifts) and then went to my house to drink cocoa and watch A Beautiful Mind. It was lovely. Yesterday I had to get up early to teach at the dojang, and when I got home I got to take a long shower and clean my room at a leisurely pace. I made lunch, packed some up, and went out to Kingfisher's. We watched Death Note, and went for a walk on the lake, and made guacamole. I love eating dinner at his house. His brother Tyler and Tyler's fiance Brenda are almost always there to help cook, and then his parents wander through the kitchen snatching bites out of things. We're all spread around the kitchen doing our own separate tasks, but there's always a pervading air of community and goodwill. It's nice.
Today I guess I am chilling with my family? I was supposed to have to work at the other house, but my dad said that he wanted me here at home so I have to shovel the driveway in exchange. I don't really care either way. The sucky thing is that I was going to maybe hang out with Pine Marten and Koala, and now I doubt that'll go down. Ah well.
Tomorrow is school. Spring Break's not for another million weeks, it seems like. I work next weekend for the car show, and I feel like I have a Friday night commitment but I can't remember what it is. I want to see Brandon. : (