The Ninth Essay
I want to go on a pilgrimage of sorts. But it is one that will reach beyond the mountain; the mountain is just a step on the way. It is a challenge to get my head straight, get me focused on the tings that matter, and one what I will need to do to complete the pilgrimage. I know what it will be and where it will take me, but what I hope to find I am not sure. I suppose that I want to run across the United States in an effort to find God, and the more I think about it, that is it. That is the reason for the pilgrimage that is my why.
I will most likely go it alone, Brittany and or Natalie are the only two people I’d be willing to share it with, and I don’t know that they will be willing to do it. I don’t know what I hope to find on it, I don’t know if God will be made any more clear to me, the only thing I know for sure, the only thing I do not doubt one bit is that doing this or not will determine forever who I am to be. And come what may, do this I must, and God willing, do this I shall.
Maybe this is how I hope to kill the pain inside of me. Maybe I can run it out, push myself until there is nothing left inside of me, that way there is nothing to block God from filling me backup. I am wondering, is my pilgrimage an act of desperation? Am I so desperate for God to fill me in my life that I am doing this? Or is there something more to it? I do think there is more to it yet, what I am not sure right now, but there are lessons to be learned, and experiences to be had by preparing for this and doing this that are going to irrefutably shape who I am.
I spoke before of how we needed to have spiritual agons, and physical agons, and mental agons, and we needed a challenge that would entail all three, this is my challenge. Pilgrimages are not supposed to be easy, they are times of self sacrifice and struggle, and times when we go in want in search of what really matters in life. They are the ultimate search for God. And they provide the ultimate answers of who we are.
We don’t just learn about God on pilgrimages, we don’t just get closer to Him, we also learn about ourselves; we get closer to seeing who we really are. We are all on pilgrimages, weather we admit it or not, we are. Each of us is seeking our place in life, where we belong, some clue into who we are. We use different methods for this, some of us sex, some of us drugs, or successes, or anger, or fear, but all of use are seeking something to define us, something that completes us, even if we don’t know it, we are on a desperate pilgrimage for God.
I seek God through running, each foot fall is a step closer to the truths I am trying to find, and so it is only natural that my pilgrimage should involve copious amounts of running. Through connecting with God on the open roads, I’ve come to find that true wealth and happiness is not in the amount of crap I can stockpile in my house, not in having the newest game system, or the best toys, but in connecting with nature, connecting with others around me, and connecting with God. A pilgrimage is about seeking a relationship with God and that is what I am doing.
God is not formulaic, and so I offer no formulas as to how to get closer to God. I don’t think a formula will work anyways. We don’t use formulas to have meaningful relationships with the people in our lives, so why would we try and use one with God?
I remember the first time I realized I need to do this, that I needed to run this pilgrimage out rather than any other method I could have chosen, I was in Okinawa Japan, running before the sun came up. I ran down one hill past the ocean, the waves crashing in the darkness on my right, cars intermittently passing me on my left. Outside of the waves and my heavy breathing keeping cadence with my foot falls, there was hardly a sound in the air. I came to the bottom of the hill and started my mile and a half accent up the next hill. As I reached the half way point, it began to grow lighter, I beat the sun to the road, but the sun undauntedly chased after me. I crested the hill, just as the first rays of the sun could be seen over the horizon out to sea. I turned down lost in my own thoughts and raced back down the hill I just climbed. As I passed the beach again it hit me, I knew the Christian faith, and what was expected of me in it, but I didn’t fully know God. I didn’t care to. I was happy with my superficial God, but once I realized my God was superficial, it no longer worked, and I knew, I had to find God, and really get into a relationship with Him. And so a year later, here I stand, preparing for my pilgrimage in the Spring of next year, I don’t know where I will go in between, just where I will start and stop, somewhere in there I am going to find God…
I will most likely go it alone, Brittany and or Natalie are the only two people I’d be willing to share it with, and I don’t know that they will be willing to do it. I don’t know what I hope to find on it, I don’t know if God will be made any more clear to me, the only thing I know for sure, the only thing I do not doubt one bit is that doing this or not will determine forever who I am to be. And come what may, do this I must, and God willing, do this I shall.
Maybe this is how I hope to kill the pain inside of me. Maybe I can run it out, push myself until there is nothing left inside of me, that way there is nothing to block God from filling me backup. I am wondering, is my pilgrimage an act of desperation? Am I so desperate for God to fill me in my life that I am doing this? Or is there something more to it? I do think there is more to it yet, what I am not sure right now, but there are lessons to be learned, and experiences to be had by preparing for this and doing this that are going to irrefutably shape who I am.
I spoke before of how we needed to have spiritual agons, and physical agons, and mental agons, and we needed a challenge that would entail all three, this is my challenge. Pilgrimages are not supposed to be easy, they are times of self sacrifice and struggle, and times when we go in want in search of what really matters in life. They are the ultimate search for God. And they provide the ultimate answers of who we are.
We don’t just learn about God on pilgrimages, we don’t just get closer to Him, we also learn about ourselves; we get closer to seeing who we really are. We are all on pilgrimages, weather we admit it or not, we are. Each of us is seeking our place in life, where we belong, some clue into who we are. We use different methods for this, some of us sex, some of us drugs, or successes, or anger, or fear, but all of use are seeking something to define us, something that completes us, even if we don’t know it, we are on a desperate pilgrimage for God.
I seek God through running, each foot fall is a step closer to the truths I am trying to find, and so it is only natural that my pilgrimage should involve copious amounts of running. Through connecting with God on the open roads, I’ve come to find that true wealth and happiness is not in the amount of crap I can stockpile in my house, not in having the newest game system, or the best toys, but in connecting with nature, connecting with others around me, and connecting with God. A pilgrimage is about seeking a relationship with God and that is what I am doing.
God is not formulaic, and so I offer no formulas as to how to get closer to God. I don’t think a formula will work anyways. We don’t use formulas to have meaningful relationships with the people in our lives, so why would we try and use one with God?
I remember the first time I realized I need to do this, that I needed to run this pilgrimage out rather than any other method I could have chosen, I was in Okinawa Japan, running before the sun came up. I ran down one hill past the ocean, the waves crashing in the darkness on my right, cars intermittently passing me on my left. Outside of the waves and my heavy breathing keeping cadence with my foot falls, there was hardly a sound in the air. I came to the bottom of the hill and started my mile and a half accent up the next hill. As I reached the half way point, it began to grow lighter, I beat the sun to the road, but the sun undauntedly chased after me. I crested the hill, just as the first rays of the sun could be seen over the horizon out to sea. I turned down lost in my own thoughts and raced back down the hill I just climbed. As I passed the beach again it hit me, I knew the Christian faith, and what was expected of me in it, but I didn’t fully know God. I didn’t care to. I was happy with my superficial God, but once I realized my God was superficial, it no longer worked, and I knew, I had to find God, and really get into a relationship with Him. And so a year later, here I stand, preparing for my pilgrimage in the Spring of next year, I don’t know where I will go in between, just where I will start and stop, somewhere in there I am going to find God…