Update *Warning: horrid dream...*
Hey everyone! Quite a few things have happened since last time!
1st! I've decided to become a Partylite consultant! I love the wax, I love the parties, and I love all of the other products in the catalog (decorative items, spa products, even food!). So I'm thinking this is going to be a good idea for me... Something I realized was that I've shut down a lot lately, inside. Just became a quiet, stay at home for the most part, mouse with no life. When I first came up with the idea to start Partylite, the first thing I need/ed to do was to book 6 shows. Find 6 friends of my own who would host home shows...
I went to all the Partylite meetings, drove 2 hours to the regional meeting, got things set up for a bank account, everything... But the shows... Ugh! That was the hardest part because looking through my fone list, I realized that I didn't have any friends. None whatsoever. Everyone I talk to is either here, and I'm sure you've all noticed how sparse that is, and people from my clan. I didn't have a single person I could call on the fone and ask to host a party, or even order from me... Luckily, I have a client, a very special client that I built a website for last semester. She is the angel of angels and just... She booked a show, and a two friends of hers booked shows. And then somehow a hairdresser I asked booked a show. And an advisor I had from my first college booked a show...
I'm just so happy it worked out, and tomorrow is my starter show! Wooooooot! I'm so excited for it!
I've been reading a lot, after having recently quit my clan and gave up Palringo 24/7 I have a good amount of free time to catch up and read what I want... So many new stories! Love love love the abundance of stories!
Something else new, though, and pretty disturbing... I've been having those bad dreams again. A few mornings ago I had just... Every time I tried to go back to sleep I'd have another flash of something bad happening, or scary looking. In one, I closed my eyes for a moment, and was immediately in a car crash and got hit by a semi at a 4 way stop that I'd have to go through when I got up for work.
A big one I had, the first actually, I was walking through town, locally, and a crowd had gathered on a street. There was a woman, homeless with a baby. We don't have homeless people in the UP, for real. No soup kitchens, no halfway houses, just churches that'll help you get set up with Social Security and an apartment in a government funded housing area. So I was interested, and went closer to the group of people looking at the woman, trying to talk to her, while she rocked her crying baby on the street...
I kept walking, and quickly noticed Mama strolling along the street as well. It was sunny out, and bright with a light breeze. She was in one of her sundresses, and her hair had grown back out and was long, and her skin was fair again. She looked wonderful, younger, perhaps in her 30s. I started talking with her, commenting on how healthy she looked, how beautiful her skin was, and how nicely her hands had healed. But then we were walking on sandy cement towards a white sand beach, with the ocean in the near distance and a cliff or something... It's hard to explain, but we were going towards it. And I was holding her hand, and just looking at her fingers and how nice they were, and she took her hand back and told me that, "Well," she had to break them. Once she got to the other side of the cliff, she would find a rock, and work on breaking them. I didn't understand what she was talking about, but she sounded so passive about it, like it needed to be done. So I grabbed her, and started holding her back and just as she started to fight me, we turned around and walked back the way we came...
Then we came back to the crowd of people again, and the woman was still there, but standing still. And as we walked past the crowd, the childs' face came into view, and it was warped like in a horror movie. Frozen, like it was dead, but like it had started to scream but was stuck that way. And then I woke up...
The second time I tried sleeping, I was at my computer, chatting with a friend of mine, and was typing away while Mama was in the other room. She came up close to me, and was holding a knife. One of the short steak knives, with the black handle. And she was mumbling about how she had to get rid of them, how tumors would grow at the surgery locations and they'd have to remove them anyways. Mama never had surgery on her hands, none at all while in the hospital later on, and I didn't know what she was talking about. And although I was trying to stop her, I couldn't move, and just ended up yelling at her, and watched her start to move the blade along her fingers, her bony, skinny little fingers, and then I started screaming, and crying, and heard her screaming "oww! Oww!" and just shrieking. And I closed my eyes before the blood started to drip from the fist she'd made around the blade.
It hurt so much to watch that I remember it in detail, even now, days later. I always loved seeing her in my dreams, because then I'd know that she's still with me. But when she's hurting herself... It makes me think of how much she hurt herself while here, and all of the things I didn't do when she was right there in front of me doing it.
If this post grosses you out, I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time wanting to sleep, or leave my house, and just keep imagining all these scenarios with and without her, getting hurt somehow.
*Shakes My Head*
I love y'all, and I just wish I knew what this stuff means!
1st! I've decided to become a Partylite consultant! I love the wax, I love the parties, and I love all of the other products in the catalog (decorative items, spa products, even food!). So I'm thinking this is going to be a good idea for me... Something I realized was that I've shut down a lot lately, inside. Just became a quiet, stay at home for the most part, mouse with no life. When I first came up with the idea to start Partylite, the first thing I need/ed to do was to book 6 shows. Find 6 friends of my own who would host home shows...
I went to all the Partylite meetings, drove 2 hours to the regional meeting, got things set up for a bank account, everything... But the shows... Ugh! That was the hardest part because looking through my fone list, I realized that I didn't have any friends. None whatsoever. Everyone I talk to is either here, and I'm sure you've all noticed how sparse that is, and people from my clan. I didn't have a single person I could call on the fone and ask to host a party, or even order from me... Luckily, I have a client, a very special client that I built a website for last semester. She is the angel of angels and just... She booked a show, and a two friends of hers booked shows. And then somehow a hairdresser I asked booked a show. And an advisor I had from my first college booked a show...
I'm just so happy it worked out, and tomorrow is my starter show! Wooooooot! I'm so excited for it!
I've been reading a lot, after having recently quit my clan and gave up Palringo 24/7 I have a good amount of free time to catch up and read what I want... So many new stories! Love love love the abundance of stories!
Something else new, though, and pretty disturbing... I've been having those bad dreams again. A few mornings ago I had just... Every time I tried to go back to sleep I'd have another flash of something bad happening, or scary looking. In one, I closed my eyes for a moment, and was immediately in a car crash and got hit by a semi at a 4 way stop that I'd have to go through when I got up for work.
A big one I had, the first actually, I was walking through town, locally, and a crowd had gathered on a street. There was a woman, homeless with a baby. We don't have homeless people in the UP, for real. No soup kitchens, no halfway houses, just churches that'll help you get set up with Social Security and an apartment in a government funded housing area. So I was interested, and went closer to the group of people looking at the woman, trying to talk to her, while she rocked her crying baby on the street...
I kept walking, and quickly noticed Mama strolling along the street as well. It was sunny out, and bright with a light breeze. She was in one of her sundresses, and her hair had grown back out and was long, and her skin was fair again. She looked wonderful, younger, perhaps in her 30s. I started talking with her, commenting on how healthy she looked, how beautiful her skin was, and how nicely her hands had healed. But then we were walking on sandy cement towards a white sand beach, with the ocean in the near distance and a cliff or something... It's hard to explain, but we were going towards it. And I was holding her hand, and just looking at her fingers and how nice they were, and she took her hand back and told me that, "Well," she had to break them. Once she got to the other side of the cliff, she would find a rock, and work on breaking them. I didn't understand what she was talking about, but she sounded so passive about it, like it needed to be done. So I grabbed her, and started holding her back and just as she started to fight me, we turned around and walked back the way we came...
Then we came back to the crowd of people again, and the woman was still there, but standing still. And as we walked past the crowd, the childs' face came into view, and it was warped like in a horror movie. Frozen, like it was dead, but like it had started to scream but was stuck that way. And then I woke up...
The second time I tried sleeping, I was at my computer, chatting with a friend of mine, and was typing away while Mama was in the other room. She came up close to me, and was holding a knife. One of the short steak knives, with the black handle. And she was mumbling about how she had to get rid of them, how tumors would grow at the surgery locations and they'd have to remove them anyways. Mama never had surgery on her hands, none at all while in the hospital later on, and I didn't know what she was talking about. And although I was trying to stop her, I couldn't move, and just ended up yelling at her, and watched her start to move the blade along her fingers, her bony, skinny little fingers, and then I started screaming, and crying, and heard her screaming "oww! Oww!" and just shrieking. And I closed my eyes before the blood started to drip from the fist she'd made around the blade.
It hurt so much to watch that I remember it in detail, even now, days later. I always loved seeing her in my dreams, because then I'd know that she's still with me. But when she's hurting herself... It makes me think of how much she hurt herself while here, and all of the things I didn't do when she was right there in front of me doing it.
If this post grosses you out, I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time wanting to sleep, or leave my house, and just keep imagining all these scenarios with and without her, getting hurt somehow.
*Shakes My Head*
I love y'all, and I just wish I knew what this stuff means!