(no subject)
I was reminded today that it's been ten years since I almost died of respiratory failure. Ten years since I spent weeks in the ICU. Shipped to Seattle to see specialists. Ten years since I watched them scratch their heads as to why I was going through all this. Months on oxygen 24/7, now unable to sleep without a bipap machine. Ten years.
I think things slid down for my physically before that but I didn't pay attention to some signals. Didn't pay attention to why I wanted to sleep all the time. Before that I'd watched my long term relationship and job crumble. I was distracted by a lot of mental things to really care about myself physically.
My mom reminded me of this today. She gave me a hug and told me she's glad I'm still here. And I had no idea how to react. I stared blankly and said something about how crazy that time was. I stood numb, not able to process, I'd honestly forgotten. I suppose if I hadn't been reminded today, at some point in the next few weeks something would have reminded me of all that. I would have acknowledged it in my brain and moved on.
I feel pretty numb to a lot of things now. This year. The last few years. Everything. I feel worn down. I feel empty. I suppose a lot of people probably feel this way these days. Everything is weird. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been in a public building in the last year. When's it all end? What even is my life? I'm getting very little actual enjoyment from anything I do.
Sigh. Blah. I'm alive. But why?