Heart of gold.
It's been a year.
I think back to this time last year. Waking up after a very long night at hospice. My dad passed away some time after midnight. We stayed up till the sun came up. Stayed up till the coroner came. We said our goodbyes. We cried a lot and came home. I slept an unsettled sleep and woke up some time in the afternoon.
I feel unsettled today. Not feeling very sad. But very unsettled and irritable. I've been feeling that way the last few days. I'm not sure how my other family members are feeling. Sad? Crying? Mad? Frustrated? whatever? I know I feel like sticking a screwdriver in my eye socket. I've felt a lot of sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and whatever other horrible feelings one could feel after losing a loved one.
I feel like we reached a peak maybe six months ago when we were all sort of thinking "okay we're making it" and then the downturn towards the anniversary of my dad's passing started. Like some crazy rollercoaster where you're speeding down the edge of a long hill. Here we are though. One year in.
We're heading to Canada tomorrow to spread the last of my dad's ashes in a place he asked to be taken. My canadian has been doing a lot to help out. The place is pretty out of hte way and from what I hear trees had to be cut down and moved and things cleared. I'm not looking forward to that. I hear there's a bit of a hike involved too. We'll see how I do.
I feel like I want to isolate. Or just have some sort of quiet time. My mom and sister are going and approaching this as a bit more of a pleasurable trip. I'm worried about how my sister is going to take things. As callous as it sound I'm tired of emotion. That sounds odd I know. Late night calls and arguments and crying and memories. I feel like I've reached a saturation point. All I can do is listen. People are going to do what they are going to do. I have advice to offer them. All I can do is listen now. Nod and try and relate.
I miss my dad. It's been a long year. The process continues. All I can do is keep moving forward as quickly or slowly as I can.
I think back to this time last year. Waking up after a very long night at hospice. My dad passed away some time after midnight. We stayed up till the sun came up. Stayed up till the coroner came. We said our goodbyes. We cried a lot and came home. I slept an unsettled sleep and woke up some time in the afternoon.
I feel unsettled today. Not feeling very sad. But very unsettled and irritable. I've been feeling that way the last few days. I'm not sure how my other family members are feeling. Sad? Crying? Mad? Frustrated? whatever? I know I feel like sticking a screwdriver in my eye socket. I've felt a lot of sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and whatever other horrible feelings one could feel after losing a loved one.
I feel like we reached a peak maybe six months ago when we were all sort of thinking "okay we're making it" and then the downturn towards the anniversary of my dad's passing started. Like some crazy rollercoaster where you're speeding down the edge of a long hill. Here we are though. One year in.
We're heading to Canada tomorrow to spread the last of my dad's ashes in a place he asked to be taken. My canadian has been doing a lot to help out. The place is pretty out of hte way and from what I hear trees had to be cut down and moved and things cleared. I'm not looking forward to that. I hear there's a bit of a hike involved too. We'll see how I do.
I feel like I want to isolate. Or just have some sort of quiet time. My mom and sister are going and approaching this as a bit more of a pleasurable trip. I'm worried about how my sister is going to take things. As callous as it sound I'm tired of emotion. That sounds odd I know. Late night calls and arguments and crying and memories. I feel like I've reached a saturation point. All I can do is listen. People are going to do what they are going to do. I have advice to offer them. All I can do is listen now. Nod and try and relate.
I miss my dad. It's been a long year. The process continues. All I can do is keep moving forward as quickly or slowly as I can.