rawrrr...
What have I been thinking about lately?
Thanksgiving is over. That was a decent. Given the last few months events I'd say it went pretty well. Even though my sis Sue decided not to come and chose to make her own dinner for her and her BF. I think she was also avoiding my other sister Carolann. After some drunken drama they are pretty much not speaking to each other. I was in the same boat for a while after she called me up in a drunken stupor and preceded to berate me for being on a power trip. At the time I wish I had told her that to be on a power trip would require actually wanting to be in the position of power.
I'm doing the administration thing because my dad asked me to. I'm no great leader but when given a task I am usually pretty good at making sure it gets done. I know my dad chose me too because he knows that I would remain the most calm about things. I suppose with all that's transpired since his death he made the right decision.
Sometimes I feel like things should feel better about him being gone. It's only been 5 months really. His absence looms large in all of our hearts. I find myself laying awake at night thinking about him. I think about him being alive. I think about the month he spent in the hospital, I think about all the things that were said and have happened.
I'd like to say I'm doing better than most of my family. But maybe I'm doing the worst. I'm stuck most of the time. My desires to go out and do things are almost nil. I have no desire to go out and see things. I spend all my time on the internet or with games or with movies right now. I keep plodding along with the technical process of administration and my father's estate. I keep thinking to myself that when things are over I can focus on myself. I can focus on work and health and getting out more.
Everything still looms over my head though. I had great motivation to clean out my dads house. We made some really great headway. But I'm tired of it right now. When I go there I find it hard to do a lot of stuff. I know I turned down help from family. And for that I should be okay with dealing with this by myself. But I can't help but feel overwhelmed and alone. None of my siblings seem to have any motivation at all to clean or help take care of anything. I look at piles of paperwork. I clean out garbage and junk. They hardly seem like they want to have anything to do with the process.
Sure, they all work. Sure they are all in relationships. Why do I feel like I'm the only one who got the gravity of this situation and decided that this is what needed to be focused on? I'm not angry really that when my dad was in the hospital it hardly seemed like anyone would come to the hospital. I remember thinking to myself though, "why aren't you here after work? why aren't you hear on the weekend?" And now that he's gone it doesn't seem like they want to be part of the task of cleaning things up or taking care of anything.
I feel like as I'm going through this all I'll be able to come to some conclusion. But what I'm doing is actually going through this. I'm probably the biggest practicer of avoidance. But with this. I feel like nothing will come of avoiding the situation. Garbage needs to be thrown out. Belongings need to be given to loved ones. Things need to be sold. When that is done I feel like the process will be nearer to completion and I can rest and recover and do my best at remembering my dad. When that process is over I know I'll have done what he asked me to do the best that I could have done it and from that satisfaction I'll be able to have some sort of closure.
p.s. livejournal 4 life :)
Thanksgiving is over. That was a decent. Given the last few months events I'd say it went pretty well. Even though my sis Sue decided not to come and chose to make her own dinner for her and her BF. I think she was also avoiding my other sister Carolann. After some drunken drama they are pretty much not speaking to each other. I was in the same boat for a while after she called me up in a drunken stupor and preceded to berate me for being on a power trip. At the time I wish I had told her that to be on a power trip would require actually wanting to be in the position of power.
I'm doing the administration thing because my dad asked me to. I'm no great leader but when given a task I am usually pretty good at making sure it gets done. I know my dad chose me too because he knows that I would remain the most calm about things. I suppose with all that's transpired since his death he made the right decision.
Sometimes I feel like things should feel better about him being gone. It's only been 5 months really. His absence looms large in all of our hearts. I find myself laying awake at night thinking about him. I think about him being alive. I think about the month he spent in the hospital, I think about all the things that were said and have happened.
I'd like to say I'm doing better than most of my family. But maybe I'm doing the worst. I'm stuck most of the time. My desires to go out and do things are almost nil. I have no desire to go out and see things. I spend all my time on the internet or with games or with movies right now. I keep plodding along with the technical process of administration and my father's estate. I keep thinking to myself that when things are over I can focus on myself. I can focus on work and health and getting out more.
Everything still looms over my head though. I had great motivation to clean out my dads house. We made some really great headway. But I'm tired of it right now. When I go there I find it hard to do a lot of stuff. I know I turned down help from family. And for that I should be okay with dealing with this by myself. But I can't help but feel overwhelmed and alone. None of my siblings seem to have any motivation at all to clean or help take care of anything. I look at piles of paperwork. I clean out garbage and junk. They hardly seem like they want to have anything to do with the process.
Sure, they all work. Sure they are all in relationships. Why do I feel like I'm the only one who got the gravity of this situation and decided that this is what needed to be focused on? I'm not angry really that when my dad was in the hospital it hardly seemed like anyone would come to the hospital. I remember thinking to myself though, "why aren't you here after work? why aren't you hear on the weekend?" And now that he's gone it doesn't seem like they want to be part of the task of cleaning things up or taking care of anything.
I feel like as I'm going through this all I'll be able to come to some conclusion. But what I'm doing is actually going through this. I'm probably the biggest practicer of avoidance. But with this. I feel like nothing will come of avoiding the situation. Garbage needs to be thrown out. Belongings need to be given to loved ones. Things need to be sold. When that is done I feel like the process will be nearer to completion and I can rest and recover and do my best at remembering my dad. When that process is over I know I'll have done what he asked me to do the best that I could have done it and from that satisfaction I'll be able to have some sort of closure.
p.s. livejournal 4 life :)