I haven't updated in a while, so I'm really gonna let loose here
So... It's been a while, lj. I still don't know how to do a cut... There's an option on this app... but I don't understand it, really. Any one reading this, lol help please?
I'm gonna attempt a cut, let me know if it works...
Oh, and beware, this is the worst lj update I've ever made. You may want to sit this one out and wait until I'm back to my bouncy/silly/nerdy place. #fact
So, this'll hopefully be the last time I talk about this 'cause I am SICK TO DEATH of talking about it 'cause talking isn't helping and I know that sounds emo and stupid, but it's a fact. ... I was kinda kidnapped and robbed and held at knife point on Sunday night. A lot of the events leading up to, during, and after are a big fucking blur and I feel stupid that the cops kept asking me questions that I had to give lame half answers to (which I told them I wasn't sure, but they wanted me to say what I thought anyway... which seems like a big waste of time, honestly)... but yeah. So, that sucked and I've spent the last 2 days since watching as much Star Trek XI as I possibly could to recapture my happiness and I just feel drained and mhrr and blah. :\
I can't wait for that to go away. Man, I hate how this has changed me (which, I'm not stupid, it isn't going to last forever. Eventually I'll be okay in my own car, in the dark, alone, and at gas stations again...) and I just want everything behind me.
That being said, I'm lurking over at the st_xi_kink_meme and reading filled posts and unfilled. Most that I've read have made me smile or giggle, but iunno... Something's missing. I really want to fill one... A couple caught my eye, and I'll be looking into that today. So, yay? *sigh*
Dear Non-Emoness,
Plz come back quick.
DFTBA,
Jo (Danielle, DMer, Hammie... Fuck, I just need to pick a damn nickname and stick to it! Jo it is!)
So, recently, one of my good friends who I think is pretty damn cool, hit on me. Like, not just hit on me, but subtle as a brick through a window hit on me. He knows I'm damaged (like, pre-kidnapping-heldatknifepoint-and-robbed damaged) but interpersonal damaged and yet he still wants to have a go at a relationship. I know it's kind of a chickenshit cop out, but I don't want to ruin the friendship and he's still pressing the issue which is making me feel like an animal backed against a corner. I'm scared, I'm panicked, and I'm a mess any time I think of it. I've tried to tell him these things and he's all 'I'm patient. I can wait.' but THAT just makes me feel like there's a path out of the corner and he's waiting in the shadow to pounce... If I didn't completely kill the analogy. >.>
So... *sigh* Fuck. If you can't be yourself and lay it all out there in the name of somewhat anonymity, where can ya, huh? I was assaulted as a child by a friend of a friend who was 6 yrs older than me and I have battle scars on my psyche. Fucking. Awesome. I've sought therapy. I'm not a complete moron. It doesn't help. I always feel judged and guilty and flat out freaked to be in a room talking about this shit. It doesn't help talking to a woman and it definitely doesn't help talking to a guy. I've even tried having this conversation w/ close friends. No dice. Everyone gets the same look on their face of pity, the one that's probably printed on yours right now. It. Sucks. See... Even now, talking abt it here? I'm just getting aggitated and pissed and I'm gonna jump subjects like I would in real life if this came up. Sry for that diatribe.
So, back to my friend hitting on me and being like a lil puppy all of a sudden. He's being schmoopy. SCHMOOPY. Honestly, I have no problem w/ schmoop in general, but right now, schmoop is just... honestly? Out and out fucking annoying to me. I don't like it. I don't want to deal w/ it. I want some hardcore anger/rage or normalcy. I can't handle schmoop post-trauma. I'm one big open wound of a person that is just pissed off. I don't want someone constantly telling me how beautiful, adorable, cuddly I am. It makes me want to do something that isn't me and be an out and out bitch and get into a fist fight. I'm not strong by any means, but boy do I wanna make someone feel on the outside what I'm feeling on the inside.
I'm a Psychology major. I know what all this is and that acting on these feelings wouldn't be healthy. So I haven't.
Yet. That's always the unspoken, isn't it? One hasn't done these things yet.
Ya know. I can't believe how ridiculous this lj post has become. I'm clearly hurting and stressing so don't take most of my ramblings seriously. I doubt I'll ever pick up fighting as a means of exorcising my demons. I'll most likely continue my emo ways of avoidance and depression and write some really fucked up fanfiction.
Which... I'm gonna get on that now.
Going to be (hopefully) updating today or tomorrow w/ a response to a st_xi_kink_meme here... Any idea how I link it back to a prompt, would be awesome. XD *facepalm*
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