If at some point we all succumb, for goodness sake let us be young
It's been some time since I've last been here, and it's probably because I lost sight of why I was writing down my personal, innermost thoughts on a public medium for everyone to see. It seems to me that when we're young and fueled by zealous verve and impulsive youthfulness we need to get everything out there and to let the world know exactly how we feel. Then as we get older ( I am, for all intents and purposes, an adult now. I suppose.) we cherish our privacy more, value quiet contemplation and perhaps begin to understand that maturity means being able to bottle up unnecessary and puerile emotions and to only sweat the important stuff.
But little things affect us because little things afflict us.
I'm reading some of my old posts, and I'm struck by that overwhelming tone of unwavering conviction and unflinching righteousness. I'm not quite so sure about my own convictions nowadays. I have no belief whatsoever in those abilities I was so sure I possessed a couple of years back. More and more, these days I am filled with insecurity and uncertainty about, well, everything. About passing my driving test. About law school, and whether I have what it takes. About who I am, and whether I even like the person I've become. About who I was, or who I am about to become. Life is an existential crisis, of meandering thoughts and long dreams about swimming across oceans.
I miss America. I wish I was back there, in the land of cool weather and friendly people and Disneyland. Here I am hot and jet lagged and so fucking tired and trying to catch up with my life that has somehow - during the time I've been away - been left so hopelessly behind in the coming and going of events. There's just so much to do: people to meet, things to do, books to read, books to buy, places to go... And I don't want to do any of this but because this is what is expected of me I ignore the fatigue, conceal my fears and manfully strive to overcome the ennui.
I am not ready for Law school. I think about all the readings and the frighteningly smart people I will encounter and I'm filled with trepidation. I can't even convert my thoughts to words properly. Everyone I know thinks I have what it takes but I don't believe any of it.
Is it wrong to be afraid?
But little things affect us because little things afflict us.
I'm reading some of my old posts, and I'm struck by that overwhelming tone of unwavering conviction and unflinching righteousness. I'm not quite so sure about my own convictions nowadays. I have no belief whatsoever in those abilities I was so sure I possessed a couple of years back. More and more, these days I am filled with insecurity and uncertainty about, well, everything. About passing my driving test. About law school, and whether I have what it takes. About who I am, and whether I even like the person I've become. About who I was, or who I am about to become. Life is an existential crisis, of meandering thoughts and long dreams about swimming across oceans.
I miss America. I wish I was back there, in the land of cool weather and friendly people and Disneyland. Here I am hot and jet lagged and so fucking tired and trying to catch up with my life that has somehow - during the time I've been away - been left so hopelessly behind in the coming and going of events. There's just so much to do: people to meet, things to do, books to read, books to buy, places to go... And I don't want to do any of this but because this is what is expected of me I ignore the fatigue, conceal my fears and manfully strive to overcome the ennui.
I am not ready for Law school. I think about all the readings and the frighteningly smart people I will encounter and I'm filled with trepidation. I can't even convert my thoughts to words properly. Everyone I know thinks I have what it takes but I don't believe any of it.
Is it wrong to be afraid?