Say What You Mean...& Mean What You Say...

Mar 06, 2007 19:29


Grrrr!  I NEED to let off some steam.:
I'm sick of my dad!  He always compares my siblings & I with each other {in these subtle ways--that aren't so subtle).  I'm sick of his self-righteous attitude about parenting & being the parent...& blah, blah blah..asjf ;efhr  fjvhfegn GAHHH!  I could just SCREAM!!!  
I'm not that great of a student {according to him, at least: in fact, i'm "lazy." HAH!).  If I was f*ing lazy, would I care enough to stay up past 12 almost every night, trying to finish my HW?!  WTF....is he BLIND!?!  ok...& tonight really put me over the edge with all of his comparative & self-righteous bullshit: at dinner, he addressed my 10 y/o brother, Alec, about having gotten a D & E on a few assignments {i was even surprised bc Alec goes to a private skool--& has since preschool, no joke--& he's pretty damn smart).  My dad continued to question Alec--who, #1: couldn't recall the exact assignments bc they were from about a month ago, & #2: didn't understand my dad's questions {you have to know my dad to know that his way of questioning is both confusing & redundant as hell)--until finally my step mom & Alec got my dad to understand that the assignments-in-question weren't here [@ home] & that Alec couldn't answer my dad's questions about the contents of said assignment w/o them in his possession...[poor Alec was still being interrogated for about 15 mins after dinner--no joke, i could hear them in the kitchen :-/ gah...chill the f* out dad!..... a lil while later, Alec was discussing his apparent "failure" w/his mom...he's saying a lot of the same things I think to myself about how my dad makes me feel (but his convo is in regards to how his teacher makes him feel) I see/hear a lot of myself in Alec...& understand a lot of what he says & where he's coming from.: he's funny/fun-loving/loving & passionate {not "emotional, necessarily); he's dedicated--to things he enjoys, & things he has to do but doesn't necessarily "enjoy" {i.e. schoolwork); he's creative & unique; he sees/interprets things in a way much different than most ppl: we're a lot alike, & it's tough trying to get others {esp. authoritative/adult figures) to understand where he's coming from sometimes...but he almost always means well].  
Not only did that situation exemplify my father's "parenting/adult" personality, but also his habitual insult-through-sibling comparison cruelty {AKA: cruel, petty, yet unfortunately successful way of causing minor depression to his children by comparing them to one another).  [that may sound a lil dramatic, but...it's basically true. at least with me it is [regardless of whether i'm a sensitive person or not]; his little remarks about my other siblings better grades & accomplishments makes me feel like I just don't measure up, i'm not/don't do enough to make him proud; i'm the big disappointment; the "problem child" {he's actually called me that to my face b4).  I'm fucking sick of it! 
I'm sorry, dad, that I've let you down yet again.  You've managed to find a new way to make me feel like shit {w/o even directing the topic-of-discussion towards me): congrats!  And I've managed to somehow disappoint you again.  I'm apologize for ruining your life...making a mess out of everything.  I know: I "owe you" soo much; but I can't repay you just yet...I don't know what you want from me; I have nothing to give you anyways. Wow: I really am a f* up!  NO wonder I can't do anything right: I can't sleep, I haven't eaten well, I almost failed Composition {a writing class....English: the language I speak for gosh sakes!); my GPA seems to laugh in my face as it continues to pull me into the fiery depths of "hell" {AKA: having to take summer school after my senior year); I don't have a very good job; I don't have a license {which is somehow my fault now) & I'm "a horrible driver"; I don't cook well; I suck at managing my time; I can't even stick to a work-out routine for more than 2 weeks {& that's my OWN goal for self-improvement).  Gee, dad: I am sooo sorry that you have to live with such a worthless excuse for a daughter.

*sigh*...I actually feel better. [no, i'm not really depressed, per se: just in a bit of a cynical mood.]

comments welcome, as always
::Car
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