Just Know That I Will Hate You Enough For the Both of Us.
Why is it that I can never please you? It seems lately, actually since I started high school that I'm no longer the girl you were so proud of. The girl who started failing her classes because she just stopped caring. The girl who is trying her damnedest to care but can't seem to muster up enough courage to do so. You make me feel so weak, to the point that one more word, one more look of that nature with send me to my knees without the strength to get up. I feel like all I can do is lay there, while you tell me how ignorant I am, to the point where my life is going to end here. Here, on this very floor at your feet. Would you even bother to glance down and pick me up? I'm not saying you should really, with all I've done to you. From the time you caught me stealing, to when you knew I was drunk but didn't say anything. You try to catch me in my lies, yet I still give you the same answer even though I know you don't believe me. I don't know why I'm such a bad kid... I don't really think it was your fault. I know it wasn't.
I'm sorry I can't live up to what you want me to be. This scholor who gets grants and paid college funds to places like Yale and Boston University. I'm terribly afraid because I don't know what I'd like to do with my life. When I share this with you, you say it's alright. That I don't have to know right now. Yet, as each reportcard and progress report comes along, I hear, "How can you be so irrisponsible as to not know if you turned something in or not?" I'm sorry I can't remeber. Nevermind that I've got six other classes that are physically and mentally more demanding than that class. Nevermind that I work. Nevermind that I have friends who occasinally like me. Nevermind that I have a boyfriend who I'd like to spend every second with if I can help it. Nevermind the simple fact that I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself next year. God...it's a progress report. I felt so confident that I didn't get bad grades on my report card. I was going to try so hard to do the same thing this quarter...but after this. I don't know. The positive outweighed the negative so much. "I'm so proud." It's amazing what a fucking letter means to you. Do you not think I'll pass? After all the shit I've been through with some classes that I just don't want to get out already? Move on? I feel so demolished right now that I can't think about what I need to get done.
I need to do a visual aid for US Constitution.
I need to do two more articles, write two essays and finish two sections I didn't do because I was so tired from the night before that I fell asleep in class.
I need to find a stupid quote for Chun, so he'll get off my back since whatever I would want, he probably won't accept.
I need to graduate and move out so that this constant tension of stepping on your toes won't happen anymore.
I need to cry. I haven't done that in quite some time.
I need to go to work.
Grrr...