(no subject)
Title: To Love Somebody:
Author: 123cariad
Summary: Roman’s death through Deniz’s point of view. Canon through episodes 1242, 1243,1267,1268,1269
Pairing: Deniz & Roman
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1,831. One shot
Warning(s): Spoilers , Main Character Death, Angst,
Disclaimer: Do not own the characters of Roman Wild, Deniz Öztürk they are the property of AWZ, RTL and Grundy UFA TV Productions.
A/N: This was written for the DeRoAA Disco DeRo Fan fiction & Fan video Festival 2012 .Written in conjunction with the fabulous video ‘To love Somebody ’ both inspired by the song ‘ To Love somebody ’ by The Bee Gees
~~~**~~~
'To love somebody'
'The way I love you'
~~~**~~~
Have you ever loved somebody … loved somebody so much that when they tell you something, they go and utter five little words , just five small words that hit you with such force you sit frozen in time... The world around you carries on as if nothing has happened, everyone going about their everyday lives without a second thought for you... And why should they? They don’t know that at this moment in time your whole world has just shifted of its axis...
The world as you know it will never be the same again. Ever .The world as you live it will cease to exist... it will be missing one special component, one special, unique individual who helped forge the person you are today.
The person you wake up for every morning in the hope of getting one small glimpse of his beautiful face... in the hope of catching one look of his breath-taking smile... one look into those deep pools of blue that are the windows to his soul, windows that tell you and you alone his story… a person who shines his light on you, giving you the strength and courage to be who you are today.
The room around you engulfs you, suffocating your very being ; you have been in this room so many times before, too many times to count... You have laughed in this room, argued in this room and loved in this room, but here on this day it is a stranger. It’s a place you do not wish to know , a place that has just plunged you into a coldness you never knew existed...
Your breathing is erratic. Your brain is unfocused. Your limbs feel like lead. Your body is on another plane. You feel like your life has just ended.
You know that you are still alive. You can feel your heart thumping out aloud beat , the drum, drum drumming in your ears sending the blood rushing to your brain ... every beat is counting down the hours, the minutes, the seconds to your life changing for ever.
~~
He sat so calmly looking at me with those haunted eyes; the depth of despair was there for me to see. He could never hide his feelings from me even though he tried. His face was still beautiful even in turmoil. One single tear inked its way down his cheek, ever so slowly making me want to reach out and capture it and keep it locked away forever.
Can you stop time? Freeze a moment, catch it and bottle it for eternity?
Can you stay here in the present and not move forward to a future you now know will be nothing but heart ache and pain.
He takes a breath, holding it for what seems like an eternity and with a broken voice he whispers out those five little words... those five little words that will be etched in my memory like a tattoo on skin 'I have a brain tumour:
~~~**~~~~
Those feelings seemed to have occurred so long ago but yet here we are roughly five weeks later, just returned from our road trip, the road trip he insisted on taking, a road trip that gave us time…time to be our selves, time to have fun... time to hold each other. In essence, it was a time for us to say our good byes...
He stands before me with that smile, the smile that only Roman Wild can give, a smile that sinks deep into the depths of my soul and stirs up emotions I did not even know I could feel .
'Let's do this!': he commands as he walks past me onto the ice.
The first bars of that emotive music fill the rink I don’t think I will be able to listen to that song ever again ‘Red Rain’ will forever be Roman’s song.
He breathes in deeply, taking in the crisp, clear air around us and begins. I always knew how wonderful he was on the ice. He always reminds me of a swan gliding across a frozen lake, so graceful, so serene, so powerful.
But today, he is beyond breath-taking. He has become one with the music, one with the ice. His movements are sheer poetry in motion. I stand mesmerised, his firm, lean body, moving in time to every single beat of the music, his muscles flexing to each turn and swish of his blades. You would never know he was ill.
I swallow down that lump in my throat. That lump that has been threatening to escape for many weeks now. I have to be strong… I have to be as strong as he is, , he doesn’t need to see my weakness, my heartache , my pain .
He does not need to see that I do not know how I will go on without him.
How I will function, when the only thing that has kept me going over the years is going to be ripped away from me. How do you tell a person that you don’t want to go on without them? How can I burden him with that knowledge?
I can’t !
Where he is finding the strength do what he is doing I will never know. He carries on as if nothing is wrong. No one knows except Florian and me.
God knows that was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do. He did not want to do it. He never wanted to tell him, but even he knew that he could not live the rest of his days the way he wanted without getting Florian on board with his plans.
The tears prick the backs of my eyes. He is building up to the finale of his routine, and he has outdone himself... The video camera is my saviour. It is giving me a barrier, a wall of sorts that is holding me up, so I do not literally fall to my knees and beg God to have made a mistake. But there is no mistake. This man , this wonderful man is going to leave me and there is not one damn thing I can do about it.
My breath catches as he turns and falls to his knees, hand extended in the air in triumph. The smile on his face tells me he knows how amazing he was , I am so thankful that he made me capture this moment on video .One day , one day many months or many years from now, I will be able to watch this performance with out dread and appreciate the wonder that is Roman Wild .
I am sure he can hear my heart pounding .He turns and looks at me… so happy, so content. Then everything is lost... He falls hits the ice and my life as I know it is over.
I never understood when people would tell me that the world could go into slow motion, but now I get it. I understand now. I understand what they were trying to explain to me.
My body is moving forward, moving towards him, but he seems to be moving further away. The more I rush forward, the slower I seem to move, and the distance between us grows. I need to get to him. My body aches to hold him and tell him it will be ok, to never let him go.
~~**~~
I cannot remember what happened in those hours that followed Roman’s death. Everything blurred into one single thought... the need to cradle the love of my life in my arms, my body swaying back and forth instinctively rocking him to sleep, my mind is singing him a lullaby, my body telling him it will be ok. I will be ok...
I could hear the voices around me. I can remember people talking to me trying to comfort me, but also trying to understand what had happened .It was so hard for them to take in. They had no clue what he was going through, what we were going through.
I just want to escape, escape the sympathies, escape the accusations, and escape my life. I want to run, run far away, run to a place that will allow me to feel him near me, to smell his scent, to take in his very essence. I just want to be able to feel and try to understand why this has happened to us, why life has to be so cruel.
~~**~~
The wind is biting through my coat. The beach, our beach is a bleak and lonely place. It has lost its colour. It has lost its gentleness it has lost it ‘s warmth . I just want him to be here with me , watching me clown around, with that look on his face that tells me I am being a fool, but also telling me he loves me completely, no matter what I do , no matter what I say he will love me for the rest of his life and beyond.
I know running is not the answer. I have to return and face the music so to speak I have to return and face my accusers, and I have to return to be there for Florian or at least try and be there for Florian but I know when I return to my life, I will be leaving so much of us behind and I am not ready to face that, I am still in denial I do not want to admit that this part of my life is over.
I am still thinking and wishing it is all a big mistake and when I walk into our home he will be sitting there waiting, with those big blues eyes smiling at me from the dining table, with that wicked smile on his face telling me he wants me, wants me in a way that only two people utterly in love can want and need each other.
But wishes are for fools…
~~**~~
The days have all melted into to each other , so much has happened since that day, the day he left me. I finally found the courage to go and say my goodbyes, to go and face my demons. It was the right time.
I have come to realise just because he has gone and I have said my good byes, that I am not really loosing him, I know he will be with me always walking beside me , giving me the strength to face each new day.
Because of him I have the courage to chase those demons away. He is still giving me love, that undying love that he gave to me in life. I now know and understand that he is giving it to me even in death, and slowly, but surely, with each new dawn I will be able to face my future with him by my side...
Have you ever loved somebody enough to carry on even when they are gone?
I have!
Author: 123cariad
Summary: Roman’s death through Deniz’s point of view. Canon through episodes 1242, 1243,1267,1268,1269
Pairing: Deniz & Roman
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1,831. One shot
Warning(s): Spoilers , Main Character Death, Angst,
Disclaimer: Do not own the characters of Roman Wild, Deniz Öztürk they are the property of AWZ, RTL and Grundy UFA TV Productions.
A/N: This was written for the DeRoAA Disco DeRo Fan fiction & Fan video Festival 2012 .Written in conjunction with the fabulous video ‘To love Somebody ’ both inspired by the song ‘ To Love somebody ’ by The Bee Gees
~~~**~~~
'To love somebody'
'The way I love you'
~~~**~~~
Have you ever loved somebody … loved somebody so much that when they tell you something, they go and utter five little words , just five small words that hit you with such force you sit frozen in time... The world around you carries on as if nothing has happened, everyone going about their everyday lives without a second thought for you... And why should they? They don’t know that at this moment in time your whole world has just shifted of its axis...
The world as you know it will never be the same again. Ever .The world as you live it will cease to exist... it will be missing one special component, one special, unique individual who helped forge the person you are today.
The person you wake up for every morning in the hope of getting one small glimpse of his beautiful face... in the hope of catching one look of his breath-taking smile... one look into those deep pools of blue that are the windows to his soul, windows that tell you and you alone his story… a person who shines his light on you, giving you the strength and courage to be who you are today.
The room around you engulfs you, suffocating your very being ; you have been in this room so many times before, too many times to count... You have laughed in this room, argued in this room and loved in this room, but here on this day it is a stranger. It’s a place you do not wish to know , a place that has just plunged you into a coldness you never knew existed...
Your breathing is erratic. Your brain is unfocused. Your limbs feel like lead. Your body is on another plane. You feel like your life has just ended.
You know that you are still alive. You can feel your heart thumping out aloud beat , the drum, drum drumming in your ears sending the blood rushing to your brain ... every beat is counting down the hours, the minutes, the seconds to your life changing for ever.
~~
He sat so calmly looking at me with those haunted eyes; the depth of despair was there for me to see. He could never hide his feelings from me even though he tried. His face was still beautiful even in turmoil. One single tear inked its way down his cheek, ever so slowly making me want to reach out and capture it and keep it locked away forever.
Can you stop time? Freeze a moment, catch it and bottle it for eternity?
Can you stay here in the present and not move forward to a future you now know will be nothing but heart ache and pain.
He takes a breath, holding it for what seems like an eternity and with a broken voice he whispers out those five little words... those five little words that will be etched in my memory like a tattoo on skin 'I have a brain tumour:
~~~**~~~~
Those feelings seemed to have occurred so long ago but yet here we are roughly five weeks later, just returned from our road trip, the road trip he insisted on taking, a road trip that gave us time…time to be our selves, time to have fun... time to hold each other. In essence, it was a time for us to say our good byes...
He stands before me with that smile, the smile that only Roman Wild can give, a smile that sinks deep into the depths of my soul and stirs up emotions I did not even know I could feel .
'Let's do this!': he commands as he walks past me onto the ice.
The first bars of that emotive music fill the rink I don’t think I will be able to listen to that song ever again ‘Red Rain’ will forever be Roman’s song.
He breathes in deeply, taking in the crisp, clear air around us and begins. I always knew how wonderful he was on the ice. He always reminds me of a swan gliding across a frozen lake, so graceful, so serene, so powerful.
But today, he is beyond breath-taking. He has become one with the music, one with the ice. His movements are sheer poetry in motion. I stand mesmerised, his firm, lean body, moving in time to every single beat of the music, his muscles flexing to each turn and swish of his blades. You would never know he was ill.
I swallow down that lump in my throat. That lump that has been threatening to escape for many weeks now. I have to be strong… I have to be as strong as he is, , he doesn’t need to see my weakness, my heartache , my pain .
He does not need to see that I do not know how I will go on without him.
How I will function, when the only thing that has kept me going over the years is going to be ripped away from me. How do you tell a person that you don’t want to go on without them? How can I burden him with that knowledge?
I can’t !
Where he is finding the strength do what he is doing I will never know. He carries on as if nothing is wrong. No one knows except Florian and me.
God knows that was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do. He did not want to do it. He never wanted to tell him, but even he knew that he could not live the rest of his days the way he wanted without getting Florian on board with his plans.
The tears prick the backs of my eyes. He is building up to the finale of his routine, and he has outdone himself... The video camera is my saviour. It is giving me a barrier, a wall of sorts that is holding me up, so I do not literally fall to my knees and beg God to have made a mistake. But there is no mistake. This man , this wonderful man is going to leave me and there is not one damn thing I can do about it.
My breath catches as he turns and falls to his knees, hand extended in the air in triumph. The smile on his face tells me he knows how amazing he was , I am so thankful that he made me capture this moment on video .One day , one day many months or many years from now, I will be able to watch this performance with out dread and appreciate the wonder that is Roman Wild .
I am sure he can hear my heart pounding .He turns and looks at me… so happy, so content. Then everything is lost... He falls hits the ice and my life as I know it is over.
I never understood when people would tell me that the world could go into slow motion, but now I get it. I understand now. I understand what they were trying to explain to me.
My body is moving forward, moving towards him, but he seems to be moving further away. The more I rush forward, the slower I seem to move, and the distance between us grows. I need to get to him. My body aches to hold him and tell him it will be ok, to never let him go.
~~**~~
I cannot remember what happened in those hours that followed Roman’s death. Everything blurred into one single thought... the need to cradle the love of my life in my arms, my body swaying back and forth instinctively rocking him to sleep, my mind is singing him a lullaby, my body telling him it will be ok. I will be ok...
I could hear the voices around me. I can remember people talking to me trying to comfort me, but also trying to understand what had happened .It was so hard for them to take in. They had no clue what he was going through, what we were going through.
I just want to escape, escape the sympathies, escape the accusations, and escape my life. I want to run, run far away, run to a place that will allow me to feel him near me, to smell his scent, to take in his very essence. I just want to be able to feel and try to understand why this has happened to us, why life has to be so cruel.
~~**~~
The wind is biting through my coat. The beach, our beach is a bleak and lonely place. It has lost its colour. It has lost its gentleness it has lost it ‘s warmth . I just want him to be here with me , watching me clown around, with that look on his face that tells me I am being a fool, but also telling me he loves me completely, no matter what I do , no matter what I say he will love me for the rest of his life and beyond.
I know running is not the answer. I have to return and face the music so to speak I have to return and face my accusers, and I have to return to be there for Florian or at least try and be there for Florian but I know when I return to my life, I will be leaving so much of us behind and I am not ready to face that, I am still in denial I do not want to admit that this part of my life is over.
I am still thinking and wishing it is all a big mistake and when I walk into our home he will be sitting there waiting, with those big blues eyes smiling at me from the dining table, with that wicked smile on his face telling me he wants me, wants me in a way that only two people utterly in love can want and need each other.
But wishes are for fools…
~~**~~
The days have all melted into to each other , so much has happened since that day, the day he left me. I finally found the courage to go and say my goodbyes, to go and face my demons. It was the right time.
I have come to realise just because he has gone and I have said my good byes, that I am not really loosing him, I know he will be with me always walking beside me , giving me the strength to face each new day.
Because of him I have the courage to chase those demons away. He is still giving me love, that undying love that he gave to me in life. I now know and understand that he is giving it to me even in death, and slowly, but surely, with each new dawn I will be able to face my future with him by my side...
Have you ever loved somebody enough to carry on even when they are gone?
I have!