On acceptance
For ladyvox and misschili
According to the Kübler-Ross model, the five stages to dealing with grief and/or dying are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They do not necessarily happen in that order and a person may be coping with two stages at once, revert to previous stages over and over, and perhaps never achieve the final stage. Although designed to describe how individuals come to terms with their own deaths, the five stages were subsequently used to produce methods for counseling the bereaved. A recent article in Time magazine points out that modern researchers doubt that these stages exist at all, and the general acceptance of the model has restricted the spectrum of socially accepted responses to a traumatic event.
In other words, some experts think we can just as well do away with the five stages. However, I feel that the Kübler-Ross model has helped me a great deal in dealing with the reality of a chronic illness. No health care provider actually spoke to me about grieving when I was diagnosed with rheumatic polyarthritis at the age of 35, after having suffered from its symptoms for nearly ten years. Rather, when I persisted in spending hours in my garden one day, only to be bedridden for days afterwards, it was a good friend with MS who pointed out that I might need to deal with my grieving process properly. Awakened to the fact that I may be in denial, other steps in the grieving process revealed themselves to me as I went along. Instead of being overwhelmed with chaotic emotions that varied from one day to the next, I had a template to refer to that enabled me to say ”Aha, this is anger isn't about that person, it is about arthritis,” or ”I can't bargain my way out of this with a gym membership when what I really need is a physical therapist.”
Four years later, I still have my moments of regression, anger and disbelief, but acceptance always waits patiently in the background until the worst is over, when it steps forward and says ”It is what it is. Now go out and enjoy what you can, while you can”. For me, acceptance means being able to enjoy the privilege of being able to walk, work part-time, make my bed or bake, while planning for the time when I will not. It is the key to enjoying each moment of being a mother, even when my patience is worn thin. It is the consolation of knowing that all the novels I never have time to read due to my need for daily naps and the immediate demands of my children will still be there when there isn't much else I can do.
So, while Kübler-Ross might not be any more of a prerequisite for handling grief than hospitals are for giving birth to healthy children, being familiar with it certainly does help predict and facilitate some of the chaos and complications that may arise.