Control
Loss of control. Control. To what extent do we control what is around us? To what extent do we feel we control what is around us? Is there a difference?
I'm at a loss of control. Control is one major factor that distinguishes bulimia from anorexia. In bulimia, the person feels like they've lost control of their eating. In anorexia, the person has full control of their diet.
A few years ago, I used to lie in my bed, on my back. I'd spread my arms and legs out; spread my toes and fingers. I made sure no part of my body touched any other part of my body. I'd close my eyes and forget what I looked like, pretend I was a different person. I had no external/tactile stimuli to suggest otherwise. I'm not sure why I'm recanting this. But I feel those same feelings.
I can't care, but I do. I want to not care, but to not care, I have to not care. Or, something.
I walked in the mall. Through the mall. Across the mall. The concrete. Paranoia? I felt like a teenager- on a stage. Like everyones watching me, judging me. Everyone has their own weight set point thingymabobber. Everyone has their own ideal biological weight. And if one is under or over their ideal weight, they can FEEL it. Even if they can't see it. I'm pretty sure that is what's doing this. I find myself blaming things on my weight that have no bearing on it. I'm getting kind of uncomfortable writing this, but I wanted to write something, and try to workout/organize some of my thoughts. But I think most of it has something directly, or indirectly tied in with my weight. Or at least, what I feel about my weight.
Feeling out of control. It's terrible.
I'm at a loss of control. Control is one major factor that distinguishes bulimia from anorexia. In bulimia, the person feels like they've lost control of their eating. In anorexia, the person has full control of their diet.
A few years ago, I used to lie in my bed, on my back. I'd spread my arms and legs out; spread my toes and fingers. I made sure no part of my body touched any other part of my body. I'd close my eyes and forget what I looked like, pretend I was a different person. I had no external/tactile stimuli to suggest otherwise. I'm not sure why I'm recanting this. But I feel those same feelings.
I can't care, but I do. I want to not care, but to not care, I have to not care. Or, something.
I walked in the mall. Through the mall. Across the mall. The concrete. Paranoia? I felt like a teenager- on a stage. Like everyones watching me, judging me. Everyone has their own weight set point thingymabobber. Everyone has their own ideal biological weight. And if one is under or over their ideal weight, they can FEEL it. Even if they can't see it. I'm pretty sure that is what's doing this. I find myself blaming things on my weight that have no bearing on it. I'm getting kind of uncomfortable writing this, but I wanted to write something, and try to workout/organize some of my thoughts. But I think most of it has something directly, or indirectly tied in with my weight. Or at least, what I feel about my weight.
Feeling out of control. It's terrible.