how.quick.the.sun.can.drop.away.and.now.my.bitter.hands.cradle.broken.glass.of.what.was.everything.
being that i'm going to be twenty in about a week, i feel like i'm getting so old. i feel like everything needs to be reevaluated. but it seems like i don't know where anything is going, and it's impossible to figure out my position in life. i'm in college, i work, i volunteer, i'm single, i exercise...why is this like a personals add. no, but i just feel like nothing is certain, like there's nothing about my future that i know. i don't know what i'm going to be, who i'm going to be with, or if i'll know anyone i know now in ten years. i feel alone...just very alone. everyone has some career plan, some marriage plan, some best friend, something definite. and everything in my life is indefinite. every day something new happens, and my perception of life is altered. i don't trust anyone other than my parents, or anything, not even my own opinions. i am enjoying college, and learning, and i am taking care of myself. i'm actually ok...but i'm just really confused. one thing i'm happy about, that i'm sure of, is something i shouldn't be writing in a livejournal, but since i'm quite public about this fact, i'll talk about it. i'm so glad i'm waiting until i'm married; that is one of the only decisions, that and not doing drugs, that i have confidence in. no, it's not easy like i thought it would be--that i was wrong about. when you're in a committed relationship, it's tough. i don't mean that it's tough while i'm single...clearly. but yeah, and it's tough in respect to people's judgment of me. i think it's a turn-off...virginity seems to turn everyone off...like to every guy who could see themselves with me, to every girl who thinks i'm too boring to be friends with, to anyone i speak to when the situation comes up...but i really don't care. that's one of the only things about myself that i love, that i can stick with. i am not posting it on a billboard, well no i'm posting it like here. i mean i don't just tell people at random, but one would be surprised in how often it comes up actually. and with guys, it's sort of imperative to tell them from the beginning, because if a guy likes me...he generally won't after he finds out that i'm waiting. so i like to get that part over with in the beginning, so no one is deceived. some guys are cool with it, hence a former two year relationship with sex not even being an issue. i figure, if people have a problem with it, well that's fine. i don't have a problem with others who aren't waiting. it generally doesn't matter to me in even a tiny way, unless it was a guy i was going to date...and he didn't think he could date someone and not sleep with them...that's the only situation where someone's virginity or lack there of would concern me at all. yeah, anyway, i think i'm going to watch my saved by the bell dvds. i don't want to think about real stuff anymore. sex isn't too much of an issue in bayside. see, you can always be saved by the bell. : ) i'm a dork. ps-the repetition of my current music is because of pearl jam's significance in my life at this point. and not just pearl jam, but that song.