58.
I've been having strange dreams lately. Two nights ago, I was vividly dreaming that I was wandering around my grandparents' old house. There was a lot leading up to this that I don't remember, but I walked into one of the rooms (specifically the room I used to sleep in when I visited) and it had three hospital beds set up with a bunch of medical tools and such. There was someone in one of the beds but I ignored that.. there was a man hovering over one of the beds and he grabbed me and threw me to the bed and started torturing me. I was fantastically happy about this; I kept asking him if there was anything he wanted or anything he wanted me to go do, and he responded by cutting me up pretty badly. The last thing he did was cut my mouth open, Joker-style. Best part was, I vividly remember feeling the pressure of the scalpel in my mouth and the feeling of my flesh ripping. I smiled and felt my whole face open and then I woke up.
Something about being home is suffocating me. My mother and I keep fighting and it makes me feel so horrible about myself. No matter what happens, it's always me attacking and her cowering/ignoring me/retreating. I don't know why I can't stop. I don't know why I feel so bad all the time now. I guess this 'vacation' wasn't exactly meant for rest, anyway. I want to go home. Being back here feels like I'm right back where I started both mentally and emotionally. I guess I just feel very alone here and it's compounded by the fact that it's the same routines as before. I needed to move out a lot more than I ever realized..
I spent four hours in a dentist's chair today. I watched the Matrix aaand then watched part of it again with commentary while they did the root canal and various other wooonderful things. Even my nose is frozen currently and I'm in quite a bit of pain. At least all my medical stuff for the week is done! Barium doesn't actually taste all that bad, fyi. Now, I have to come back in early November for the ultrasound and the final dental thing (just a cleaning, woo) and then I'M DONE.
Also, I'm addicted to Interpol.
Something about being home is suffocating me. My mother and I keep fighting and it makes me feel so horrible about myself. No matter what happens, it's always me attacking and her cowering/ignoring me/retreating. I don't know why I can't stop. I don't know why I feel so bad all the time now. I guess this 'vacation' wasn't exactly meant for rest, anyway. I want to go home. Being back here feels like I'm right back where I started both mentally and emotionally. I guess I just feel very alone here and it's compounded by the fact that it's the same routines as before. I needed to move out a lot more than I ever realized..
I spent four hours in a dentist's chair today. I watched the Matrix aaand then watched part of it again with commentary while they did the root canal and various other wooonderful things. Even my nose is frozen currently and I'm in quite a bit of pain. At least all my medical stuff for the week is done! Barium doesn't actually taste all that bad, fyi. Now, I have to come back in early November for the ultrasound and the final dental thing (just a cleaning, woo) and then I'M DONE.
Also, I'm addicted to Interpol.