17
so ive done it again
ive fallin for a girl that im never going to be able to have. I thought that things between me and C where looking up, that we might actualy starting dating or something like that...nope. And while I know it's not my fault I can't help but blame myself. For wanting to be with her so much and baiscly smothering out of my life. she gave me the whole schpeal...ive heard it before. I know that she meant it...but it makes me wonder. I know that she has a lot of stress in her life and I don't want to add more. And she doesn't want me to be more...but when i go out to the club and i compair ever girl i see to her and how they are nothing like her, no where near as funny, cute, out going...anything...it just makes it hard. she said that she just want to be friends...who make out. that just makes it harder. I know that when i kiss her that im gonna get the feeling...god its so hard to explain to. just a little simple kiss from her sends a wave of something over my body. my chest gets light and my stumach almost bubbles...its so weird. and it happenes every time. i dont know if i can handle being her friend and having to deal with that. I can be her friend, and lord knows i want to kiss her and all that, but dealing with that feeling and not being able to let her know how it makes me feel is going to be the hardest of all. damn near every part of me is just saying fuck her, push her away and find some stupid girl that will get your mind off of her. but something is keeping me from doing that. and its strong. something is telling me not to let her slip away, to keep her close, even as a friend. so that maybe one day there might be something. that small little sliver of hope makes me want to keep talking to her, to tell her how much she means to me. i cant let her slip away for the mear fact that i dont know if i could live with the "what if" in this situation. there is something so completely different about all of this that really makes me wonder. now i know that im sounding really girly and stupid about all this but i have no other way of explaining it. ive really, truly, and honestly never felt like this about someone. ive never been able to not get someone out of my head. even after four years with W i got her out of my head with a few nights at the club. just knowing that there was other girls out there made her seem pointless, but i know whats out there and i dont like it. I like C...eveything about her. but i cant change how she feels about me. I can only be a friend to her and try as i can to keep her close and hope that she will see how much she means to me. in any case i cant do a whole lot more than im already doing...i just wish i was still drunk...i wish i could just pass out in my bed and not have to think about her. i wish i didnt have to goto lawton to see my parents tomorrow and i could spend alllllll day with her. i have to get up early and shit so i can get back early so i can see her. she made is clear that she wanted to see me...she actualy wanted to see me today but was to busy so she said that i had to see her tomorrow...and like the wiped guy i am, im gonna do anything to please her. i always do this...i fall for a girl and do everything they want in hopes that it will some how make them like me...never fucking works. i think the problem is, is that im just not her type of guy. ive seen some of the ex's...im not her type at all. i dont know why i thought that i would be. im just gonna have to find some shy girl that is looking for anything in life to cling to, like my ex was. but whats to point...its not that i couldnt get over C...its that i dont want to. and knowing that she just wanted to be friends i tried to hit on girls tonight at the club...yea...pointless. not only am i socialy inept at picking up girls, they want nothing to do with me anyways. that and they are all just little hood rat, hoochies, that wear to much make up and skanky ass clothes. i fucking hate it! there are tons of these girls...they are everywhere. and they think that they are some hott shit too. thats what i love about C...she is true to herself and isnt afraid of being herself. shes a real fucking human...not some dress-up doll. she has real opinions about real things. GOD DAMN IT!
fuck this...fuck it all...i dont want to fucking deal with any of this anymore. im tired of having girls liking me that have nothing in commen with me, that are totally not what i want in a girl, and im tired of finding girls that i would give anything to be with only to be pushed aside. i just want to find someone and be happy...or be by myself and be happy. i know i can be happy by myself, but i know what its like to happy with someone else and i want that. god i just need to get a dog. i miss mine...
whatever...im just gonna play my DS and goto sleep...ill talk to C tomorrow and be so happy just to see her or hear her voice that ill forget all this shit for a day or so. fuck it all...
life is getting pointless
ive fallin for a girl that im never going to be able to have. I thought that things between me and C where looking up, that we might actualy starting dating or something like that...nope. And while I know it's not my fault I can't help but blame myself. For wanting to be with her so much and baiscly smothering out of my life. she gave me the whole schpeal...ive heard it before. I know that she meant it...but it makes me wonder. I know that she has a lot of stress in her life and I don't want to add more. And she doesn't want me to be more...but when i go out to the club and i compair ever girl i see to her and how they are nothing like her, no where near as funny, cute, out going...anything...it just makes it hard. she said that she just want to be friends...who make out. that just makes it harder. I know that when i kiss her that im gonna get the feeling...god its so hard to explain to. just a little simple kiss from her sends a wave of something over my body. my chest gets light and my stumach almost bubbles...its so weird. and it happenes every time. i dont know if i can handle being her friend and having to deal with that. I can be her friend, and lord knows i want to kiss her and all that, but dealing with that feeling and not being able to let her know how it makes me feel is going to be the hardest of all. damn near every part of me is just saying fuck her, push her away and find some stupid girl that will get your mind off of her. but something is keeping me from doing that. and its strong. something is telling me not to let her slip away, to keep her close, even as a friend. so that maybe one day there might be something. that small little sliver of hope makes me want to keep talking to her, to tell her how much she means to me. i cant let her slip away for the mear fact that i dont know if i could live with the "what if" in this situation. there is something so completely different about all of this that really makes me wonder. now i know that im sounding really girly and stupid about all this but i have no other way of explaining it. ive really, truly, and honestly never felt like this about someone. ive never been able to not get someone out of my head. even after four years with W i got her out of my head with a few nights at the club. just knowing that there was other girls out there made her seem pointless, but i know whats out there and i dont like it. I like C...eveything about her. but i cant change how she feels about me. I can only be a friend to her and try as i can to keep her close and hope that she will see how much she means to me. in any case i cant do a whole lot more than im already doing...i just wish i was still drunk...i wish i could just pass out in my bed and not have to think about her. i wish i didnt have to goto lawton to see my parents tomorrow and i could spend alllllll day with her. i have to get up early and shit so i can get back early so i can see her. she made is clear that she wanted to see me...she actualy wanted to see me today but was to busy so she said that i had to see her tomorrow...and like the wiped guy i am, im gonna do anything to please her. i always do this...i fall for a girl and do everything they want in hopes that it will some how make them like me...never fucking works. i think the problem is, is that im just not her type of guy. ive seen some of the ex's...im not her type at all. i dont know why i thought that i would be. im just gonna have to find some shy girl that is looking for anything in life to cling to, like my ex was. but whats to point...its not that i couldnt get over C...its that i dont want to. and knowing that she just wanted to be friends i tried to hit on girls tonight at the club...yea...pointless. not only am i socialy inept at picking up girls, they want nothing to do with me anyways. that and they are all just little hood rat, hoochies, that wear to much make up and skanky ass clothes. i fucking hate it! there are tons of these girls...they are everywhere. and they think that they are some hott shit too. thats what i love about C...she is true to herself and isnt afraid of being herself. shes a real fucking human...not some dress-up doll. she has real opinions about real things. GOD DAMN IT!
fuck this...fuck it all...i dont want to fucking deal with any of this anymore. im tired of having girls liking me that have nothing in commen with me, that are totally not what i want in a girl, and im tired of finding girls that i would give anything to be with only to be pushed aside. i just want to find someone and be happy...or be by myself and be happy. i know i can be happy by myself, but i know what its like to happy with someone else and i want that. god i just need to get a dog. i miss mine...
whatever...im just gonna play my DS and goto sleep...ill talk to C tomorrow and be so happy just to see her or hear her voice that ill forget all this shit for a day or so. fuck it all...
life is getting pointless