14
its late and im tired so this is gonna be short...
those of us that know what happened tonight know what it means to be a true friend. we know what it means to truely care enought to do anything for someone. ive had my eyes open this night. a lot of really scary shit went down that i should have stopped before it started. i know i cant blame myself, but i know that i could have prevented what happened from happening. I should have gone over there the first time i wanted to. i dont know what i would have done to make things better or different...it doesnt even matter. i hesitaded. and i will never do it again. i almost lost someone very very very special to me and i cant even think about what would have happened had she not realised what she was doing. everything is fine now...for the most part. we will have to see what tomorrow brings, but steps have been taken in the right direction.
i ended up going to F's house...to try and get the events of the night off of my mind. but not before talking to him on the comp, letting him know how much he really means to me and how much he has been there...he is one of the few that hold that honor. i need to talk to the other two. one is going to be a lot harder than the others. talking to her will be the first time in a long time...last time i even tryed i couldnt. ive figured a lot of things out since then about why it was so hard and why i couldnt do it. i know now that i can and i must and i will. she needs to know how much she really ment to me, be it that there is nothing there now.
im not going to say anything about what happened tonight...only a few things. when i did get to finaly see C tonight, regardless of the tears, the first thing i did was hug her. ive never had a hug like this ever...there was more feeling and care and emotion put into this hug than all hugs ive ever had. this was me saying that everything was gonna be okay, and her saying....i dont even know...but when i went to let her go she only hugged me harder. i dont know whether i was crying tears of joy, happyness, anger, or what...but i dont think, no matter how long i sat here, typing away, that i could truly describe this hug. all i know is that i wish i was holding her...right now. i know that she needs someone now...i want it to be me. even if its just as a friend. i can accept that now. as much as i want her to be mine, i know, finaly, that when she is ready she'll let me know. im not gonna stop thinking about her everyday. im not gonna stop talking to her. she will always be something special to me and i hope that i will be to her. all i know is that hug will stay with me for a long time. and as tired as i may be i dont think im going to sleep all that well, not untill i know that she is okay. i know that things are fine, but i need to sit down, hold her, talk to her, to really know. this all might have started with the car, but i think there is something else...something much much deeper. the car only pushed it over the edge. i just hope and pray i get to see her tomorrow. b/c ive never been as scared as i was tonight. scared that i was going to lose something i had only just gotten, someone that had only just stepped into my life.
i wouldnt have been able to forgive myself if i had lost her. ive yet to have to bury a friend...i dont want to start. losing my grandma and grandpa was hard enough...i know that the others are not that far behind and i hate to think of life with out them. holidays are the hardest time, b/c its when i think of them the most...and i dont want to think about losing my brother to this stupid war...my other grandparents to age and health, or any other family or friend to anything...my bracelt i wore for my friend S broke on thanksgiving...i know it sounds stupid but im a firm believer in bad ohmens. i need to email him...make sure that he is okay. ive been using my raver necklace as kinda a buddist or cathlic prayer chain...running my thumb over each bead...thinking of my loved ones and shit like that. life is to short...dont let stupid thinkgs like pride and humility get in the way of telling someone how you truly feel. let your friends know how much they mean to you and that you could be there for them if they really needed it. and dont be fake about it. ive gotten the ol' im here for you schtick a thousand times...ive had few that have ever actualy been there. the ones that know when im asking for help and when im playing around.
i know you guys dont like me personaly addressing you, but K...thank you. You where a friend to C and myself tonight and I don't things would have worked out as well as they did had it not been for you. You got me to go over there and you came over too. but that doesnt matter, its in the past, we are all okay.
kinda a closing thought...life may go on for another day, but make sure that if it was your last that youd be happy with the ending and where you had been. i know to this point i can die with about 80% of that...there is still a lot i have left to do.
i love you all...i really do. <3
those of us that know what happened tonight know what it means to be a true friend. we know what it means to truely care enought to do anything for someone. ive had my eyes open this night. a lot of really scary shit went down that i should have stopped before it started. i know i cant blame myself, but i know that i could have prevented what happened from happening. I should have gone over there the first time i wanted to. i dont know what i would have done to make things better or different...it doesnt even matter. i hesitaded. and i will never do it again. i almost lost someone very very very special to me and i cant even think about what would have happened had she not realised what she was doing. everything is fine now...for the most part. we will have to see what tomorrow brings, but steps have been taken in the right direction.
i ended up going to F's house...to try and get the events of the night off of my mind. but not before talking to him on the comp, letting him know how much he really means to me and how much he has been there...he is one of the few that hold that honor. i need to talk to the other two. one is going to be a lot harder than the others. talking to her will be the first time in a long time...last time i even tryed i couldnt. ive figured a lot of things out since then about why it was so hard and why i couldnt do it. i know now that i can and i must and i will. she needs to know how much she really ment to me, be it that there is nothing there now.
im not going to say anything about what happened tonight...only a few things. when i did get to finaly see C tonight, regardless of the tears, the first thing i did was hug her. ive never had a hug like this ever...there was more feeling and care and emotion put into this hug than all hugs ive ever had. this was me saying that everything was gonna be okay, and her saying....i dont even know...but when i went to let her go she only hugged me harder. i dont know whether i was crying tears of joy, happyness, anger, or what...but i dont think, no matter how long i sat here, typing away, that i could truly describe this hug. all i know is that i wish i was holding her...right now. i know that she needs someone now...i want it to be me. even if its just as a friend. i can accept that now. as much as i want her to be mine, i know, finaly, that when she is ready she'll let me know. im not gonna stop thinking about her everyday. im not gonna stop talking to her. she will always be something special to me and i hope that i will be to her. all i know is that hug will stay with me for a long time. and as tired as i may be i dont think im going to sleep all that well, not untill i know that she is okay. i know that things are fine, but i need to sit down, hold her, talk to her, to really know. this all might have started with the car, but i think there is something else...something much much deeper. the car only pushed it over the edge. i just hope and pray i get to see her tomorrow. b/c ive never been as scared as i was tonight. scared that i was going to lose something i had only just gotten, someone that had only just stepped into my life.
i wouldnt have been able to forgive myself if i had lost her. ive yet to have to bury a friend...i dont want to start. losing my grandma and grandpa was hard enough...i know that the others are not that far behind and i hate to think of life with out them. holidays are the hardest time, b/c its when i think of them the most...and i dont want to think about losing my brother to this stupid war...my other grandparents to age and health, or any other family or friend to anything...my bracelt i wore for my friend S broke on thanksgiving...i know it sounds stupid but im a firm believer in bad ohmens. i need to email him...make sure that he is okay. ive been using my raver necklace as kinda a buddist or cathlic prayer chain...running my thumb over each bead...thinking of my loved ones and shit like that. life is to short...dont let stupid thinkgs like pride and humility get in the way of telling someone how you truly feel. let your friends know how much they mean to you and that you could be there for them if they really needed it. and dont be fake about it. ive gotten the ol' im here for you schtick a thousand times...ive had few that have ever actualy been there. the ones that know when im asking for help and when im playing around.
i know you guys dont like me personaly addressing you, but K...thank you. You where a friend to C and myself tonight and I don't things would have worked out as well as they did had it not been for you. You got me to go over there and you came over too. but that doesnt matter, its in the past, we are all okay.
kinda a closing thought...life may go on for another day, but make sure that if it was your last that youd be happy with the ending and where you had been. i know to this point i can die with about 80% of that...there is still a lot i have left to do.
i love you all...i really do. <3