(no subject)
yeah I dont fucking know... I'm a mess... I really need to get out of here.. i need to go somewhere... anywhere.. i dont care wehre... just not here... I dont want to be here...i dont want to be with these people.. there's nothing left here for me... at all... no friends, no family, nothing. I dont want anything to do with any of these people. If I could drive, I'd pack my bags and take my car and be gone in an hour. To where I dont know, but thats not whats important. Whats important is that i'd be gone, i'd be going where i want to... wherever that may be. I'd be away from all this shit... I wouldnt be going crazy, I wouldnt feel like such a worthless piece of shit... I wouldnt be fucking crying for no fucking reason... I wouldnt have to see any of u, ever again... nor would I have to speak to any of you. I dont fucking know.
I'm so unhappy... I'm so empty and lonely... I'm so fucking worthless.
Why am I still here, shouldnt I be dead?
Why am I still here and why the fuck do i get to be so healthy....??? My mothers slowly dying in a fucking nursing home with the goal to come home that wont be reached for a while...if ever... the love of my life i watched die before my eyes and I didnt do shit about it... and I let the rest just slip threw my fingers... there's so many children out there starving to death with so many diseases and I sit here and throw away food because it touched the ground... those kids would kill eachother trying to get it...
Why do I do this to myself? I let myself get hurt way to often... I tell myself to not let it happen and that I'm not going to, and then I do. All the fucking time. All the bloody fucking time.
I really need a life... I really need to get out of here.. I really do... I need to get out of this house... I'm going crazy... I need to forget everything I know and go on being happy...
Was it for real or was it all a joke?
I sit here as the tears roll down my cheeks
my thoughts are of you...
only you...
how could I let this happen...
Why did I let this happen...
I sit here and I look at my wrists
I dont remember doing this...
but I think I know why it happend...
the tears keep comming
I know they wont stop
years have past and hours too
yet I'm still sitting here crying over you.
You're spirit is free, and your soul too
It seems that it was just the other day I talked to you...
I really fucking miss you...
I really wish i still had you...
I'm sorry I did what I did to you...
Please come back to me...
Someday...
Someday I hope you will...
I dunno... really fucking sad... I really need a hug... I really fucking do... I dont remember the last time i had a hug... kendall gave me a goodbye hug yestarday, but that really doesnt count... I dont remember the last time i had a REAL hug... I think it was probably last month or so... whenever the last time was i saw lacey... or maybe cams party... I think I hugged cam... *shrugs* I dont know... but either way it was awhile ago... I still really need a hug...
I dont know why i'm so depressed... then again maybe I do... all I know is I wont be happy for quit some time and that makes shit worse cuz I know i'm going to be sad. Its one thing to be sad for awhile, its another to know that everytime you wake up you put on a fake smile, you go out to do something nad you fake that you're having fun and that everythings ok...
I have to pee really bad... i dont want to get up and go though, if i do ill be gone for a long time just sitting in the bathroom crying or something.
I dont know
I miss lacey... shes with mark now i guess... I wasnt told shit.. but its amazing the things you find on the internet... youbeenx says she and mark are in a "serious relationship" and she told everyone to back off that hes hers *giggle* I know i'm not fighting anyone for him, i dont think hes that cute or anything, hes a great kid yes, but i couldnt see myself with him...they're good for eachother i guess.. whatever, i told her to go with him anyway.. sure im a little pissed off and sad but whatever thats the way the cookie crumbles haha i hate that saying.. but yeah whatever makes her happy... i knew theyd be together nad now that they are i know shes not comming back. Why she told me she would I still dont get, maybe it was to make me not feel so bad or something, but it has no different affect on me either way. I love her nad I just want her to be happy.
I've been thinking aobut going back to jesse and hanging with him again and shit... I dunno... I got used to all the beatings and shit, i kinda miss the abuse my life just doesnt feel right with out it. as much as I hate it i feel like i need it. I dont deserve the nice guys, i deserve the assholes that will tell me how much of a bitch i really am and how gross and ugly i am and then smack me around a bit... nice guys are to... nice i guess... theyre not up front enough or something. Its pretty sad when i can say that shit with all intention of hanging out with him agian knowing what i'm going to get if i see him or any of the boys...
wow, i really am depressed... I guess my lifes back at its all time low, everytime i talk about this shit I'm back where i started, need some new friends, new attitude... new life... gotta rebuild my life again... this fucking sucks... I could use some help, but I'm not going to get any so whatever...
I'm off to cry some more and shit and then go to bed... night...
Might call some people too... who knows, I really am feeling depressed and it scares me, I dont know if i'm going to black out and do something stupid... and I just need to call some people to get in touch with them and make sure they're all right, i cant call now though... its 1240... wow ive almost been writing here for an hour....
Torys in chicago, talked to her for a few minutes today, I miss her... I miss EA Sports haha Erik anderson he moved to CA a few months ago... creepy boy and horny as hell but i liked him.... yeah.... bye
I'm so unhappy... I'm so empty and lonely... I'm so fucking worthless.
Why am I still here, shouldnt I be dead?
Why am I still here and why the fuck do i get to be so healthy....??? My mothers slowly dying in a fucking nursing home with the goal to come home that wont be reached for a while...if ever... the love of my life i watched die before my eyes and I didnt do shit about it... and I let the rest just slip threw my fingers... there's so many children out there starving to death with so many diseases and I sit here and throw away food because it touched the ground... those kids would kill eachother trying to get it...
Why do I do this to myself? I let myself get hurt way to often... I tell myself to not let it happen and that I'm not going to, and then I do. All the fucking time. All the bloody fucking time.
I really need a life... I really need to get out of here.. I really do... I need to get out of this house... I'm going crazy... I need to forget everything I know and go on being happy...
Was it for real or was it all a joke?
I sit here as the tears roll down my cheeks
my thoughts are of you...
only you...
how could I let this happen...
Why did I let this happen...
I sit here and I look at my wrists
I dont remember doing this...
but I think I know why it happend...
the tears keep comming
I know they wont stop
years have past and hours too
yet I'm still sitting here crying over you.
You're spirit is free, and your soul too
It seems that it was just the other day I talked to you...
I really fucking miss you...
I really wish i still had you...
I'm sorry I did what I did to you...
Please come back to me...
Someday...
Someday I hope you will...
I dunno... really fucking sad... I really need a hug... I really fucking do... I dont remember the last time i had a hug... kendall gave me a goodbye hug yestarday, but that really doesnt count... I dont remember the last time i had a REAL hug... I think it was probably last month or so... whenever the last time was i saw lacey... or maybe cams party... I think I hugged cam... *shrugs* I dont know... but either way it was awhile ago... I still really need a hug...
I dont know why i'm so depressed... then again maybe I do... all I know is I wont be happy for quit some time and that makes shit worse cuz I know i'm going to be sad. Its one thing to be sad for awhile, its another to know that everytime you wake up you put on a fake smile, you go out to do something nad you fake that you're having fun and that everythings ok...
I have to pee really bad... i dont want to get up and go though, if i do ill be gone for a long time just sitting in the bathroom crying or something.
I dont know
I miss lacey... shes with mark now i guess... I wasnt told shit.. but its amazing the things you find on the internet... youbeenx says she and mark are in a "serious relationship" and she told everyone to back off that hes hers *giggle* I know i'm not fighting anyone for him, i dont think hes that cute or anything, hes a great kid yes, but i couldnt see myself with him...they're good for eachother i guess.. whatever, i told her to go with him anyway.. sure im a little pissed off and sad but whatever thats the way the cookie crumbles haha i hate that saying.. but yeah whatever makes her happy... i knew theyd be together nad now that they are i know shes not comming back. Why she told me she would I still dont get, maybe it was to make me not feel so bad or something, but it has no different affect on me either way. I love her nad I just want her to be happy.
I've been thinking aobut going back to jesse and hanging with him again and shit... I dunno... I got used to all the beatings and shit, i kinda miss the abuse my life just doesnt feel right with out it. as much as I hate it i feel like i need it. I dont deserve the nice guys, i deserve the assholes that will tell me how much of a bitch i really am and how gross and ugly i am and then smack me around a bit... nice guys are to... nice i guess... theyre not up front enough or something. Its pretty sad when i can say that shit with all intention of hanging out with him agian knowing what i'm going to get if i see him or any of the boys...
wow, i really am depressed... I guess my lifes back at its all time low, everytime i talk about this shit I'm back where i started, need some new friends, new attitude... new life... gotta rebuild my life again... this fucking sucks... I could use some help, but I'm not going to get any so whatever...
I'm off to cry some more and shit and then go to bed... night...
Might call some people too... who knows, I really am feeling depressed and it scares me, I dont know if i'm going to black out and do something stupid... and I just need to call some people to get in touch with them and make sure they're all right, i cant call now though... its 1240... wow ive almost been writing here for an hour....
Torys in chicago, talked to her for a few minutes today, I miss her... I miss EA Sports haha Erik anderson he moved to CA a few months ago... creepy boy and horny as hell but i liked him.... yeah.... bye