(no subject)
rob hates me forever. truley forever. Last night I had my last and final chance and i fucked it up with my big mouth. He hates me now forever. He doesnt find any part of me attractive. I'm not pretty anymore physically or mentally. I'm a stupid bitch. I knew I shouldnt have opend my mouth and I did. I cant beleive I said that to him. I cant beleive it at all. Why am I so dumb. Why? He wont even be friends with me now and I can understand his hatered toward me, but i still want to be his friend. I love him so fucking much and its so hard to let him go because he always comes back, but this time i know he wont. I know its done. my pictures were given to me. Hes gone for good. He threatend to call the cops and shit if he has to because i bother him or something. Im not trying to talk to him or anything. I just miss him so much. its so hard when someone lives so close but they hate you so much and want nothing to do with you at all. It sucks really. And it sucks even more because we have all the same friends. ALL the same friends. it sucks so bad man. So bad. I dont even know what to say or where to begin. I hate myself. I'm a screw up and I never deserved rob. I was terrible to him for a good part of the relationship and he just kept thinking i would change. And slowly i did, slowly i was and still am. I was changing for him. its hard to change who you are. it really is. And he doenst grasp that. I dropped one of my best friends for him. that really sucked. but i did it. because you make sacrafices for those you love. and you take things out on the ones you love, and i took a lot out on him. a lot. He took things out on me sometimes, rarely. there were a few times though. He says were not ment to be and that im ugly now. and need to grow up and move on. I cant. I'm stuck on him. really bad. really stuck because he does this to me so much that i dont know how to move on. I dont know how to pick up and get back out there. it sucks. I was starting to do fine and then last night happend. I picked him up we worked it out, we loved again, and then my big mouth, well maybe hes mad b/c while i was throwing up for 4 hours i said hey man maybe in 5 years when things arent worked out, maybe itll be cocoas turn. I didnt mean it the way he took it. I didnt mean it like that at all. I didnt mean i wanted to sleep with cocoa or really get into something with him. I ment that we could maybe date a bit and see. Im not attracted to him, hes one of my buddies. I cant beleive rob took it the way he did and laughed in my face the way he did adn threw my pictures into my lap and said it was nice knowing you like nothing at all happend. like he wasnt botherd or fazed by any of it. I cant beleive i fucked up that bad again. I put on a good act and pretend like im cool with it and not botherd and that i hate him and who cares its over, but thats not what i really feel. I love this boy. and i love him so much it makes me insane. It makes him insane. I dont know how to show my love. I dont. I show it in all the wrong ways. I need help to keep my dumb comments in. I really do. I cant beleive i fucked up this bad again. and that its the last time i get to fuck up. I'm changed rob, i really am. I dont do the things i once did. I dont say those stupid things anymore, i hadnt made a dumb comment in months!! IN MONTHS! i was doing so well. things were awesome. we were happy as hell. what the fuck happend. Way to go steph. way to fucking go. Rob just doesnt get that people fight. He doesnt get it. its a natural part of anyones relationship. friends fight, sisters, brotheres, parents, parents and children, everyone. Its how things work. Maybe it is time to let go and we held on way to long and now it hurts more because of the holding on. I never wanted to lose my friend. and now hes gone.