rambling
So i've been thinking a lot lately.. adn well.. I really miss my grandfather. and my mom. Shes so different now. When i go to see her sometimes i wonder what would grampy say or be doing if he was here when this happend. I saw her the other day. i guess that the last tumor she had they took out the part of her brain that makes her want to get up and go out and all that stuff. the part that makes her want to be active. I didn't know that. i thought it was her meds and that she was depressed but i guess not. Her hair is so long. I try and do things with her and seh just doesnt want to do them. I feel awful but i dont even want to see my mom. I dred going to visit becuase its just boring and akward. I dont know what to say or do or anything. Im thankful that shes here and that she made it threw everything but still. Anyway I did miss grampy. I've been thinking about him more and more lately. I never really got to know much about him. I never really got to know much about anyone in my family. We're all so distant and keep to our selves. we're not touchy feely or the i love u kind of family. It kind of bothers me. I know nothing about my parents. I dont know how they met or when. it seems akward to ask. I dont know when they got married. I dont know if my mom was pregnant when they did or what. I dont know when or how my dads parents died. I know my moms mother died when she was 14, i think it was from cancer, i cant remember. My grandfather as far as i know died from a heart attack. But my dads parents I have no clue about. its not something you bring up either. like my parents, i dont feel right asking about hwo they met or anythinb since htey got divorced when i was about 4. I wonder how different my life would be if they didnt split up. I took it hard when she left. I didnt let anyone know. I dont really remember it at all. I dont remember wehn she left or any of that. i do remember thinking i had somethin gto do with it. I remember going into their room and she was wearing her red night gown and grey sweat pants. and i remember her say oh no sweetie you had nothing to do with it. I dont remember my parents ever being together. I have no memories of them interacting with one another and me at the same time. I do remember feeding the ducks with both of them. other than taht.. nothing. jen wore ugly yellow sweat pants. I also remember after mom left sitting in the living room chair, the ugly plaid green one, hugging reese and the red crochet pillow in my lap, i did this a lot, almost everyday. I sat there and cried my heart out. making up stories in my head. Imagining her comming running down the street to me, arms open, calling stephanie stephanie, i'm home, come see me, stephanie i'm here, stephanie come out. God i creid a lot when she left. When my grandfather died, i remember that day. I didn't know what to do. My dad and i were comming home from soccer practice. I said something about grampy likes that, i read a banner at the stop light near the bank of america. and my dad said, with a big sigh and a slight glance at me, speaking of your grandfather, sigh again. he passed away this morning, might of been last night, i cant rmemeber what he said. Your mom went in to see him and he was gone, he had another heart attack that night. All I did was say Oh. I was full of so many emotions i wanted to scream and cry. I was so uncomfortable in the car with my dad. I just wanted a hug. i didnt know what to do. I just sit there and fought back the tears. I could taste the salt in my mouth, you know the taste of blood and tears before you cry and your face starts to pucker as you hold it back. I did that. all the way home. My dad just said sorry. and ketp driving. When we got home i dont remember what happend. But i bet i went to my room and cried that night. I know i cried myself to sleep. It was my first funeral. I remember going to school with a note saying i wouldnt be in. and explaining why. Mrs. Fox, i was in 6th grade, asked a lot of questions, where did he live, were you close. I tried not to cry. it was so hard. Emily sterns sat across from me. I remember she loked at me and was like are you gunna cry or something you look upset, its just a funeral. I wanted to run to the bathroom so bad and cry. I just shrugged and said, no, i'm yawning, when i yawn my eyes water. I was fighting back tears, not yawning. The funeral was nice. Mom picked him out a very nice casket. It had sail boats, he loved baots and the beach, adn the ocean. It was a nice oak i think, it was shiny, and white inside with a boat carved abouve his face. It had drawers so everyone could put something in it. We put in pictures, so he could have them to look at. I made a horse out of clothes pins, and i put that in wtih him Because he loved animals, and the horse pulling contest at the barnstable fair. I remeber it was the first time i met his issters. they were very nice. I wonder how they are now. and aunt janett. It rained that day. Me and mom and jen and his 3 sisters all went in the limo to the funeral. It was my first limo ride. It was a lost of firsts for me that day. I remember sitting next to Auntie, her nad dad came. I dont remember him being there though. i remember aunty. And i sat next to grampys sister, the middle aged one. She has the red hair and hump. I cried hysterically. She held me and said i'm sad to. that was my brother. she said a few other things and i remember aunty saying something back to her nad the 2 of them smiled and kind of laughed. Laughing at a funeral? who does that? My mom didnt cry. Not till the end. I remember thinking, if i knew there would of been a time to cry i woudl have wated. She took a last look at him and she cried. I remember darleen was there. she was hugging her. and i stood there and watched my mom cry. Then we went to the cemetery and i dont know what happend there other than it was raining. I stood near jen. I was happier. we giggled and talked to his sisters. Then we went to the house and had lasagna and sandwiches. I dont remember much else after that. But yeah. I've really missed him a lot lately. hes been on my mind. I decided that im a lot like him. Always looking for the best deal and buying in bulk. He was so frugal. I remember going to the beach with him and feeding the bunnies at the bath house. He had his own thing that he did everynight. Hed go, in his moccosin slippers, never shoes, rarly shoes, and hed wear his white v neck t-shirt tucked into his dark blue slacks with a brown belt, and random baseball cap, must be wear i get my fashion from too haha. and wed sit at the bath house adn watch the bunnies, and birds and ocean. then wed go walk along the beach, we'd go in a circle. I loved going with him and hed stop and talk to people he didnt know, the fisherman. and then wed go home, and eat ice cream. we had ice cream almost everyday there. for our night time snack. chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, neopolatin, and cookies and cream. we scooped it with his U.S army spoons that he stole from the service. I wish i could have found out more about the war and what he did. he had a lot of badges and patches or whatever. He was proud of them i guess. I wanted the jacket with his name on it, i dnt know what happend to it. My mom gave a lot of them away. I really wanted one. really bad. He was a big guy, i dont know if it would fit me even now. wow, i need to go to bed. But i do miss my grampa a lot lately. when it gets a little warmer im goinmg to drive to the cape and plant some flowers. and reminice. He used to plant new ones every few weeks for his wife. I remember how he showed me to water them. he used to say i bet alice is down there going ahhhhh and hed stick his tounge out, stand on one foot and shake his leg, you're drowning me glug glug glug. It used to make me gigle and smile. I miss him calling me pumpkin and little one. Sometimes I swear i still hear him saying hey little one. He likes marigolds. They live longer than the rest. The yellow kind, not orange. They stink though, he says. Better get some purple to go with that yellow. bed time. I love you grampy