(no subject)
yeah, I like Cam and all but i'm just not feeling it at the moment and i feel bad for it becasue when i'm with him i'm happy and shit but im a jerk to him. I dont know, its not just him though. I'm not really feeling anyone. I'm just kinda blank. I dont know why. So much going on. I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of this life. its so boring, everyday its the same thing. Wake up, 6, piss, feed the dogs, make lunch, eat breakfast, basement get back pack, 630, get dressed, 645 or so leave to get kc, and call cam, pick up kc, go to school. Come home its the same damn thing every day. i'm so sick of this. Im sick of these people im sick of this town im sick of this life. i want to just get in the car, hit up the atm take out what i have in their and go. I know i cna make it on my own if i just get in the car and Go. I can make something from nothing. Im sick of this town, theres nothing in it. I want to get out there and see what the world is like. get out of this little world that i live in, that i'm safe in. See things that i dont know what they are, get shot at, walk threw the sand of a strange beach, sleep in a cave maybe even with a bear, I dont even know anymore. I'm 17, but next year, it seems like i'll be 30. I have a fear of growing up, I want to stay a kid forever, not because i dont have to supourt myself or any of that, but because i just dont wnat to grow up. I dont wnat to change my clothing, i dont wnat to change me. I want to stay how i am and who i am. Going off into society in the business world is not something i want to do. I want to travle the world nad live off the land. I want to meet new people and sleep in hostels with smelly fat drunk men and hippies. I wnat to mow some guys lawn in nabraska so i cna put gas in my car or do it for lunch or something. I dont want to live in this ghetto ass town anymore, I want to go out there now. I dont wnat to wait, because by the time i can do this shit, it'll be too late.I'll be too old, i'll have a husband and kids maybe even grand kids, i'll have a career, i wont have time for that. I want to do it now. Dad wont let me. Even though if i really wanted to do it, i could. the only thing keeping me here is me. i could throw the dogs in the car and go. but I wont. I know I'll be found if i leave, and I know i wont make it far becuas ei dont know where i'd be going or how to get there. I dont know anything. I'm just a confused kid... I sit here and wonder what life will be like when everyones gone off on thier own. its going to suck. Some people are going to college others the army. Some are sitting around living in moms garage while others live off thier weekly check amd barley pay rent. I want to grow up, but not yet. first i want to get the last 3 years of my life back, and start them over. I want to get a job, make more friends, and save my money to buy my god damn hippie bus so i cna go to nebraska and mow that guys lawn.
Bens going to the army soon and i fear I shall not say goodbye. I'll be losing a big piece of who i am even though he and i have no contact with eachother really it'll still be a big loss. I'd like to say by only because the last time i saw him, i was a jerk. And god forbid anything happen to him, i'd never be able to forgive myself for what i said to him. I listend to a man speak the other day, i sat miserably threw his lecture and only heared some of it at the end, but i guess it had an affect on me. I already thought most of what he said, but it was differnt hearing some one else be the one to say what i usually say.
I love all of you even though we may have lost touch. each one of you has a special place with me and has shaped me into who and what i am today. I miss you all, even if i said i hated you and never really liked you, i guess i was just jealouse of you in some way, or maybe i didnt like you. but we've grown now, and maybe things are better with us and we should try to talk again... I really dont know.
Pug social soon :)
Bens going to the army soon and i fear I shall not say goodbye. I'll be losing a big piece of who i am even though he and i have no contact with eachother really it'll still be a big loss. I'd like to say by only because the last time i saw him, i was a jerk. And god forbid anything happen to him, i'd never be able to forgive myself for what i said to him. I listend to a man speak the other day, i sat miserably threw his lecture and only heared some of it at the end, but i guess it had an affect on me. I already thought most of what he said, but it was differnt hearing some one else be the one to say what i usually say.
I love all of you even though we may have lost touch. each one of you has a special place with me and has shaped me into who and what i am today. I miss you all, even if i said i hated you and never really liked you, i guess i was just jealouse of you in some way, or maybe i didnt like you. but we've grown now, and maybe things are better with us and we should try to talk again... I really dont know.
Pug social soon :)