and they're like, it's better than yours. damn right, it's better than yours.
have you ever had someone just .. tell you something that stops your heart for half a beat and makes you think, "oh, wow"?
junior wrote this for me. i want it here. where i can read it and think to myself, "i know i have the kind of friends some people dream about".
"My Samantha: I don't understand Sam, I never have. Sometimes I desperately try to and right when I think I have got most of the pieces glued in place, she looks at me and profoundly says "I love you", that says it all and cracks any pretense I once had of her. Sam's the type of person that I always wanted to be, she's the type of person that I really wish I could explain to you, because I think shes so much more than just a pretty face and cute words. I want you all to love her and appreciate her like I do. *smile* ah my Samantha. My wonderful brilliant, bold, wild girl. I have never been so impressed and so amazed by someone as I have my Sam. In the 18 years that I have been alive, I have met wonderful women, women that make you stop and wonder what just hit and why you feel a little dizzy inside. Sam is a step beyond that, she's not just intellect and beauty but she's inspiring and breath-taking. Sam is the type of independent girl that is on top of it, has everything together, she's got grace and style, she's got the future in mind and rarely jumps too quickly, underneath that all Sam not as confindent as you may think, she's got fears and anger, she's got insecurities and ways of wanting to be loved like everyone else. I adore these things about my Samantha. I love it when she's scared and when she's standing there and is demanding that you hold her. I don't love that it hurts her to do this, but I love how beautiful, and honest and how passionate she is. Sam is the type of girl that when she walks into the room every one stop and smiles. My Sam is the type of girl that can joke with you even when she's hurting over you, and she can stop her anger and sadness for two minutes to make you smile. She's selfless and an incredible friend. I've only known her for a few months, I wished I'd grown up with her, but she already feels like a part of me, not just someone that you meet and then forget, she's the type of girl that you cant get out of your head. She has this ghetto, high style, party lovin, hip type of persona. I love it when she wakes up and she opens her eyes and just smiles at you, her hair looks a mess, and her eyes are half closed, but shes got this light to her, this thing that just well, it stops you dead in your tracks and you think about it all day long. Samantha could be a painting or a song and you'd love it every day because it says something, because it means something and because its beautiful beyond eyesight and ears. Samantha is the type of friend that has always got my back, I know that I can't take that she knows this, and in knowing will without even thinking about it show up, or call. The hero you can count on. My Sam, ah.. god... My incredible Samantha I feel honored to know her, I always have. I have never once thought she wasn't the coolest, smartest, beautifulest thing ever. Sometimes I want her to know how much I appreciate her. My Samantha has this, this smile. If you have ever met her you know what I'm talking about, and she always does it too. Cheers to Samantha."
it appears that everything is falling back in line. i'm still sad, and i'm still alone, but i think i'll be okay. i just don't know what i thought i did. but i do know that i don't ever want to feel like i did a couple of weeks ago .. i am not a party favor. i do not hand out sex for good behavior. i am tired of people treating me like a piece of ass. i will not be "the other girl". i am not "your girl". and quite frankly, bullshit stories about feeling a connection are entirely as see-through as some of my lingerie. SO, *smiles sweetly*, i really would appreciate it if people started treating me like i was human, instead of a piece of meat. where are the ones who see you for who you are and not entirely for what you look like. and what happened to "being happy" because you want to be? i'm so tired of being careful. of wondering where exactly the line is and how much can i say before it blows up in my face. i'm tired of sitting on the sidelines waiting for a play that's never going to happen. i'm tired of hearing "we've talked about this". yeah, we have. yeah, i have. but has it gone anywhere. has it improved? has anything changed? i could spill my heart out, watch it break for you like fragile glass, and we could listen to the way the blood drips off the surface of our own failure. i often wonder how much i'd have to say. and how much i could do. but i know i'm not allowed. and it's not like i haven't tried, in my own quiet way. i have. and everytime i begin, i find myself facing walls of denial. walls of frustration. and staring at the word "no". so, what do two people do when both are alone in the ways, but trapped in between each other's words? where can i go? and why won't you let me show you? and why am i waiting? i think, "what if you are it?" but the answer is deafened by the silence. and i wish i knew how this happened. and i am biting back the urge to just confess. i am choking back helplessness. i am torn. it would be painful. for me, for you, for them. and i wish you had a b r e a k i n g p o i n t. and i wish you were forced to stand alone, face-to-face with that point. and i wish you would crack. and see me between the spiderweb trails of your conscience. and i wish you would tell me you're tired of being alone too. but i think i dream too much. and i think reality is crueler than i hoped for.
as for my job. jason is really a piece of work. and he has me seriously pissed off. first he almost cost me my job. and second, he walked into NJ's last night like we were best friends. after i wouldn't talk to him, he started in on me.
"oh, so now you come to NJ's?"
"yeah, i guess i do."
"well, i'm not staying."
"are we even talking, jay? no. and that's because i despise you."
oh, i think it's about time to sleep before i get cranky.
always
xxsamanthaxx