I dunno
Please please please please ignore the poor grammar, I’m typing this in a bit of a rush to get it all out before I lose it and really don’t feel I have the time or patience for the proper grammar/spacing/whatever when dealing with every punctuation not a period or a question mark and paragraphs. Very sorry.
Okay, well, folks, I know I haven’t really posted since my dog died, and the only LJ response I got to my last post I’ve been putting off reading for god knows what reason (probably because it’s from my dad, and, I don’t know why, but it makes me somewhat scared to see his opinion of me when I’m being as honest as I was about issues as sensitive as this. No real idea why it makes me so nervous… well I’m desperate for his approval of course, and I’m probably afraid he might not grant it… but I dunno), but the issue here is something entirely different. I think. It’s probably related in some roundabout way but hell if I know or can even properly identify it right now (well no… I know how. It’s because these days I only really post when I’m either really emotional or really emo (for those who don’t know, that’s when you’re being emotionally whiny without a reason, at least, as far as I’m aware that’s what being emo is), and this is kinda like that. Sorry to those hoping for humor).
College is going well (though showing up for all of my classes is a pain. I’m still succeeding overall, though I could do better - especially for the lecture courses - but I’m not half bad), but this isn’t about that. This is about everything and so on that I’ve discussed with a very good friend of mine over the past two or three weeks.
Now, I have issues. All people do. Not everyone is aware of what their issues are, but all people have some kind of issues, whatever they may be. About two weeks ago I got to discussing various stuff with one of my good friends, who, to retain anonymity for all those involved, shall heretofore be referred to by a made-up nickname from me (this is something that I feel is stupid and lame but perhaps necessary, I shall be doing this for everyone save my parents from now on. Admittedly, it’ll still probably be pretty damn obvious who I’m talking about, but for the different circles of friends that read this, I feel it’s best so they don’t figure out who it is in the other circles and so on. Also, if you don’t like your nickname, talk to me offline later and I’ll happily change it to whatever you desire, as long as it doesn’t give away who you are through relating to your LJ name or whatever): Specs. Now, Specs and I were talking, and she essentially performed a basic but rather in-depth analysis of who I am as a person. And she brought up some good points. It essentially ended up as a sort of therapy session in miniature, with her telling me I needed to cut way the fuck back on the self-deprecating humor, and also pointing out what is one of my good features that I was entirely unaware of and am still sort of grappling with the realization of. Apparently, according to her, when she immerses herself in things she analyzes the hell out of it, and can come back with information, which can lead to insight; I, on the other hand, apparently have the weird ability to, when I fully come out of my shell (which I was told I don’t do often enough) and immerse myself in something, I come back with insight (we also discussed how I have a problem with hiding behind a not full intentional façade that I’m only partially aware of, and how I need to stop doing that, but that’s not as important right now). I was sort of surprised by this, and didn’t quite believe it. The next Friday or Saturday or Sunday (note that my conversation with Specs was on Thursday of two weeks ago) I mentioned this at one point because I wanted a second opinion to Faust, from over in the Quantum Nothing crew at fanfiction.net (I’d post a link but I don’t know how, there is, however, a link on the profile for borderline-mary over at fanfiction.net, and on my profile there as well. I’m Withdrawn there. However I haven’t posted any stories so I’m not sure if I’d show up on a search of any kind, and seeing as borderline-mary has, I know she will.), Faust being one of my oldest friends in Iowa City. His mom was giving me a ride at the time, and he was in the car, and I mentioned it to them. Both of them agreed with what Specs had said; though Faust commented that I wouldn’t realize I had insight and that often times when I thought I had insight I’d actually have only just realized something really obvious that everyone else had already realized. I’d gotten confirmation. I was happy about this. So what do I do? Why it’s quite obvious, I go and brag about it under the guise of a casual mention to my mother when she and I had dinner last Wednesday. My mom and I have dinner at least once a week, to keep in touch, sorry if it’s kinda embarrassing for a college student, I don’t entirely care what anyone thinks about that right now. She sort of, I couldn’t tell if this was an accident or on purpose, blew my bragging out of the water with the comment that I’d been discussing with a language/literature professor my entire life. Of course I probably come away from things with meaning and so on; and the fact is that the main reason is probably because looking for such insight has become second nature to me. She also said that it definitely didn’t hurt that I was intelligent. Yesterday/Today late at night/early in the morning I was hanging out with Specs again. We were talking, and I mentioned what my mom had said, and she ended up boosting my confidence again by explaining that what I was doing had more to do with how I see the world (looking back now, however, the fact that I see the world this way probably does have something to do with my mother’s influence, so maybe they’re both right but using very different words to state the same thing in their own way. Maybe not. I dunno.). Apparently, what I do is more than just the basic search for it at a faster rate and as second nature, it was the fact that many people can’t find such insight, and that while others can, they do it through sorts of laborious ways, such as analyzing the hell out of something and eventually saying “Here, this is what I’ve got,” this being after the taxing construction of some very pretty and very sensible data trees. What Specs says that I do is more like simply walking out, looking around, and leaning down to pick my insight out and saying “Lookie! Pretty flower.” I dunno, but I’d like to believe it. Probably I’ll end up going to Faust for a sort of second opinion on this again and then end up mentioning the new meaning to my mom next week. We’ll see what happens I guess. Anyways, Specs and I continued discussing, and shortly before dropping me off at my dorm, we got to the point that I come to a lot. That being that I perform a lot of self analysis, but I’m not at all very good at it. Before that, however, we were discussing issues, Specs mentioned to me some of her issues, and I offered what I could (that not being much, unfortunately. Mainly what I said was that “If there’s ever anything at all that I can in any way help with, I’m here to help.” Fat lot of good that does), and then of course did something which I outright told her I felt a bit selfish doing, but which I really needed to ask. That being: “what do you think my issues are?” Why did I ask her this? some people who will probably read this might ask. Simple. She’s smart, and she knows psychology very nicely. I think that if anyone would not only know, but be willing to honestly tell me, it’d be Specs. So she explained that she figured my main issue, that all of my other issues were related to, was that I would get half way through analyzing myself because I really need/want to know who I am, and would stop because I’d feel that I was being selfish for putting so much energy into knowing this, and then I’d reason that, because I was being selfish, I was a bad person deep down and I didn’t need to look any deeper, or maybe I figured I didn’t deserve to. I’m not exactly certain which it was. Either way, I think she was right. That is probably my issue. She and I also discussed something else. That being that yes, I face the world with a façade, and while almost everyone does to some extent, it did so to an unusual extreme, this was part of why I don’t feel that I know myself. Something else we established was that she was trying to, as she put it herself ‘bully me out of my shell.’ Which I do appreciate. However, we’d already established this, and we’d also established earlier when she read me a multi-page printout that, accurately, described her personality type according the very accurate Meyer’s Brigg’s Personality Test (I’m probably spelling it wrong or something, but oh well.) that she was supposed to be the type of person who didn’t like people who had façades. This was one area where the results for Specs were off, in that she tolerated it if she understood it wasn’t intentional or if it was some sort of self-defense mechanism. I asked her, shortly before she left after dropping me off, about an incident shortly after she and I and Faust first started hanging out almost every Monday. That being when her fiancé, St. Demon, had, at one point, sort of mocked me for talking in a very very overly polite way, like I tend to around people I don’t really know but want to make a good impression on. Specs explained that part of the reason for both that and the fact that St. Demon isn’t so hard on me now is that, like her, he’s got very good instincts for sniffing out people who have façades, and he doesn’t have a lot of patience for them. Essentially, you should be who you are. He more likes to tear such façades to pieces, as opposed to Specs’ method of getting to know the person beneath the façade more gradually. This lead to another question from me, my last one before she left, and something which made me physically tremble, almost as if I was shivering. I don’t know either why I was trebling like this, or if Specs noticed. If she did, she didn’t say anything. My question was to her, as someone who’s very good at knowing/analyzing people, whether she thought Faust and another friend of mine and hers, Whitey, could tell that I had such a façade up, and if they knew about the façade, how well she thought they knew the me beneath it. Whitey she said was someone who was so self-possessed as to be almost self-centered, and so, while he might have some inklings, he probably hadn’t noticed. Faust on the other hand was tougher. He’s a very introverted person, so even after knowing him for almost two years, she still isn’t sure. Specs thinks he’s more perceptive that he lets on, but she also suspects, and I’m fairly certain she’s right, that he’s the type of person to make basic assumptions and then not question them. So she couldn’t tell. After that I thanked her and she left. I meant that thanks very deeply too. I headed up to my room and sat down and typed this up. The weird thing is, on the way to my room, I was shaking almost the whole way, and I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t from some kind of immediate terror or fear, it was centered somewhere towards just right of my central chest, and I couldn’t tell what the feeling was. It only faded after I started typing this down. Beyond that, I almost felt like crying and hid my face against the wall in the elevator ride up to my dorm room on the eighth floor, even though I wasn’t in the elevator and I wasn’t, as far as I’m aware, feeling any of the emotions you normally associate with crying to that sort of extreme. At least, I don’t think I did. I dunno. I only really got it off my chest when I started typing this.
Either way, I dunno. I’m posting this, and going to bed.
Okay, well, folks, I know I haven’t really posted since my dog died, and the only LJ response I got to my last post I’ve been putting off reading for god knows what reason (probably because it’s from my dad, and, I don’t know why, but it makes me somewhat scared to see his opinion of me when I’m being as honest as I was about issues as sensitive as this. No real idea why it makes me so nervous… well I’m desperate for his approval of course, and I’m probably afraid he might not grant it… but I dunno), but the issue here is something entirely different. I think. It’s probably related in some roundabout way but hell if I know or can even properly identify it right now (well no… I know how. It’s because these days I only really post when I’m either really emotional or really emo (for those who don’t know, that’s when you’re being emotionally whiny without a reason, at least, as far as I’m aware that’s what being emo is), and this is kinda like that. Sorry to those hoping for humor).
College is going well (though showing up for all of my classes is a pain. I’m still succeeding overall, though I could do better - especially for the lecture courses - but I’m not half bad), but this isn’t about that. This is about everything and so on that I’ve discussed with a very good friend of mine over the past two or three weeks.
Now, I have issues. All people do. Not everyone is aware of what their issues are, but all people have some kind of issues, whatever they may be. About two weeks ago I got to discussing various stuff with one of my good friends, who, to retain anonymity for all those involved, shall heretofore be referred to by a made-up nickname from me (this is something that I feel is stupid and lame but perhaps necessary, I shall be doing this for everyone save my parents from now on. Admittedly, it’ll still probably be pretty damn obvious who I’m talking about, but for the different circles of friends that read this, I feel it’s best so they don’t figure out who it is in the other circles and so on. Also, if you don’t like your nickname, talk to me offline later and I’ll happily change it to whatever you desire, as long as it doesn’t give away who you are through relating to your LJ name or whatever): Specs. Now, Specs and I were talking, and she essentially performed a basic but rather in-depth analysis of who I am as a person. And she brought up some good points. It essentially ended up as a sort of therapy session in miniature, with her telling me I needed to cut way the fuck back on the self-deprecating humor, and also pointing out what is one of my good features that I was entirely unaware of and am still sort of grappling with the realization of. Apparently, according to her, when she immerses herself in things she analyzes the hell out of it, and can come back with information, which can lead to insight; I, on the other hand, apparently have the weird ability to, when I fully come out of my shell (which I was told I don’t do often enough) and immerse myself in something, I come back with insight (we also discussed how I have a problem with hiding behind a not full intentional façade that I’m only partially aware of, and how I need to stop doing that, but that’s not as important right now). I was sort of surprised by this, and didn’t quite believe it. The next Friday or Saturday or Sunday (note that my conversation with Specs was on Thursday of two weeks ago) I mentioned this at one point because I wanted a second opinion to Faust, from over in the Quantum Nothing crew at fanfiction.net (I’d post a link but I don’t know how, there is, however, a link on the profile for borderline-mary over at fanfiction.net, and on my profile there as well. I’m Withdrawn there. However I haven’t posted any stories so I’m not sure if I’d show up on a search of any kind, and seeing as borderline-mary has, I know she will.), Faust being one of my oldest friends in Iowa City. His mom was giving me a ride at the time, and he was in the car, and I mentioned it to them. Both of them agreed with what Specs had said; though Faust commented that I wouldn’t realize I had insight and that often times when I thought I had insight I’d actually have only just realized something really obvious that everyone else had already realized. I’d gotten confirmation. I was happy about this. So what do I do? Why it’s quite obvious, I go and brag about it under the guise of a casual mention to my mother when she and I had dinner last Wednesday. My mom and I have dinner at least once a week, to keep in touch, sorry if it’s kinda embarrassing for a college student, I don’t entirely care what anyone thinks about that right now. She sort of, I couldn’t tell if this was an accident or on purpose, blew my bragging out of the water with the comment that I’d been discussing with a language/literature professor my entire life. Of course I probably come away from things with meaning and so on; and the fact is that the main reason is probably because looking for such insight has become second nature to me. She also said that it definitely didn’t hurt that I was intelligent. Yesterday/Today late at night/early in the morning I was hanging out with Specs again. We were talking, and I mentioned what my mom had said, and she ended up boosting my confidence again by explaining that what I was doing had more to do with how I see the world (looking back now, however, the fact that I see the world this way probably does have something to do with my mother’s influence, so maybe they’re both right but using very different words to state the same thing in their own way. Maybe not. I dunno.). Apparently, what I do is more than just the basic search for it at a faster rate and as second nature, it was the fact that many people can’t find such insight, and that while others can, they do it through sorts of laborious ways, such as analyzing the hell out of something and eventually saying “Here, this is what I’ve got,” this being after the taxing construction of some very pretty and very sensible data trees. What Specs says that I do is more like simply walking out, looking around, and leaning down to pick my insight out and saying “Lookie! Pretty flower.” I dunno, but I’d like to believe it. Probably I’ll end up going to Faust for a sort of second opinion on this again and then end up mentioning the new meaning to my mom next week. We’ll see what happens I guess. Anyways, Specs and I continued discussing, and shortly before dropping me off at my dorm, we got to the point that I come to a lot. That being that I perform a lot of self analysis, but I’m not at all very good at it. Before that, however, we were discussing issues, Specs mentioned to me some of her issues, and I offered what I could (that not being much, unfortunately. Mainly what I said was that “If there’s ever anything at all that I can in any way help with, I’m here to help.” Fat lot of good that does), and then of course did something which I outright told her I felt a bit selfish doing, but which I really needed to ask. That being: “what do you think my issues are?” Why did I ask her this? some people who will probably read this might ask. Simple. She’s smart, and she knows psychology very nicely. I think that if anyone would not only know, but be willing to honestly tell me, it’d be Specs. So she explained that she figured my main issue, that all of my other issues were related to, was that I would get half way through analyzing myself because I really need/want to know who I am, and would stop because I’d feel that I was being selfish for putting so much energy into knowing this, and then I’d reason that, because I was being selfish, I was a bad person deep down and I didn’t need to look any deeper, or maybe I figured I didn’t deserve to. I’m not exactly certain which it was. Either way, I think she was right. That is probably my issue. She and I also discussed something else. That being that yes, I face the world with a façade, and while almost everyone does to some extent, it did so to an unusual extreme, this was part of why I don’t feel that I know myself. Something else we established was that she was trying to, as she put it herself ‘bully me out of my shell.’ Which I do appreciate. However, we’d already established this, and we’d also established earlier when she read me a multi-page printout that, accurately, described her personality type according the very accurate Meyer’s Brigg’s Personality Test (I’m probably spelling it wrong or something, but oh well.) that she was supposed to be the type of person who didn’t like people who had façades. This was one area where the results for Specs were off, in that she tolerated it if she understood it wasn’t intentional or if it was some sort of self-defense mechanism. I asked her, shortly before she left after dropping me off, about an incident shortly after she and I and Faust first started hanging out almost every Monday. That being when her fiancé, St. Demon, had, at one point, sort of mocked me for talking in a very very overly polite way, like I tend to around people I don’t really know but want to make a good impression on. Specs explained that part of the reason for both that and the fact that St. Demon isn’t so hard on me now is that, like her, he’s got very good instincts for sniffing out people who have façades, and he doesn’t have a lot of patience for them. Essentially, you should be who you are. He more likes to tear such façades to pieces, as opposed to Specs’ method of getting to know the person beneath the façade more gradually. This lead to another question from me, my last one before she left, and something which made me physically tremble, almost as if I was shivering. I don’t know either why I was trebling like this, or if Specs noticed. If she did, she didn’t say anything. My question was to her, as someone who’s very good at knowing/analyzing people, whether she thought Faust and another friend of mine and hers, Whitey, could tell that I had such a façade up, and if they knew about the façade, how well she thought they knew the me beneath it. Whitey she said was someone who was so self-possessed as to be almost self-centered, and so, while he might have some inklings, he probably hadn’t noticed. Faust on the other hand was tougher. He’s a very introverted person, so even after knowing him for almost two years, she still isn’t sure. Specs thinks he’s more perceptive that he lets on, but she also suspects, and I’m fairly certain she’s right, that he’s the type of person to make basic assumptions and then not question them. So she couldn’t tell. After that I thanked her and she left. I meant that thanks very deeply too. I headed up to my room and sat down and typed this up. The weird thing is, on the way to my room, I was shaking almost the whole way, and I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t from some kind of immediate terror or fear, it was centered somewhere towards just right of my central chest, and I couldn’t tell what the feeling was. It only faded after I started typing this down. Beyond that, I almost felt like crying and hid my face against the wall in the elevator ride up to my dorm room on the eighth floor, even though I wasn’t in the elevator and I wasn’t, as far as I’m aware, feeling any of the emotions you normally associate with crying to that sort of extreme. At least, I don’t think I did. I dunno. I only really got it off my chest when I started typing this.
Either way, I dunno. I’m posting this, and going to bed.