your the star im waiting on
so i was thinking...what ever happened to that little girl, 14 years old, everything was new, she had everything to look forward to walking into her first day of highschool? god, i can remember a time when noone thought i was pretty and i was nothing. i was so happy. when i grew up and boys happened to me i somehow got mixed into this category of "all girls". but im not like "all girls". i know im not. i never was. i WAS ugly, and i still feel like i am. the first time anyone outside my family or close friends said i was pretty was 8th grade. by a boy who made me fall in love with him to the point where i dont know how i got out. even now i see him n he makes me want to throw up and cry at the same time. what is this? when did i become a statistic. i used to just be "yea... her" n now im "jess is hot". sometimes i wish i would get hit by a car n have a fucked up face or body. then maybe id find someone who instead of saying "your hot" the first time they saw me would say "wow, your awsome". i cried when mike told me about his dad. how he has no forearm or hands. his mom married him. she looked past the way he looked. i want that. i dont like to be compared to other girls. all i have in common with any one of them is that i too am a girl (shocking, i know). noone gets to know me anymore. boys look at me as a hook up. not as me. conversation with them is so staged and performed. when i talk to mike i feel like finally someone listens to me and not just stupid stuff, everything. i hate that he makes me cry n hes the only one who can make it stop. last week i cried for an hour thinking about how hes the only boy who ever made me feel like he liked me...he thought i was pretty, but thats not all. i sat and cried n cried n noone made me feel better. then out of nowhere he comes online n tells me about turtles or something. and i smiled because of how it felt to feel like someone out there is like him. and that hes unavailable because he has this girlfriend whos the luckiest person in the world n she better fuckin know it. kissing him and being with him was and is all i ever needed. hearing him say "dont go" and "i want to see you" were better then air. why did i let him go? how could i have even stopped him? i hate this.
when i was a freshman me and kelly were best friends. we were hell bent on never kissing a boy outside of dating n never ever giving a blow job or touching a penis unless we were married. i was happy then. in my fantasy world of how i wished boys were. now im so miserabe in this real world of how boys are...how they see me. one boy made me feel good as opposed to 50 who pretend to care to win me over.
i had lunch with kelly n her mom n sister n my sister today and it was so refreshing. we talked about everything. i love the fact that i can tell her mom anything n she wont say anything to anyone about it...i wish i had a mom like that. when we started talking about sex and stuff n i said what ive done her mother whos known me since 4th grade smiled and told me im responsible and that i choose people who are deserving. me and kelly grew apart during highschool, and i let it go because i didnt care about anything once i magically got "pretty". im such a shit head. i hate being me so much. i hate the words "im sorry" and i hate hormones and boys and feeling the way i do about them. i hate my first fucking kiss, and my last fucking kiss. i want to be 14 again, before i saw thouse blue eyes. when i had no chance of ever having anyone like me. when people talked to me and said "wow, this girl is awsome, shes funny and crazy and weird". instead of "wow this girl has nice tits". kellys mom still sees me as the little girl who bought mermaid erasers from the school store and thought "impeachment" was "peached". she still sees me as the girl i was before people looked at me. i dont like being grown up now. i dont like feeling alone all the time. i dont like being me and noone knowing about it.
me and jean used to talk about this all the time.i love her so! we dont much anymore. cause im a shit head. i really hate myself for being an asshole. why do i let everything good in my life go away.im destined for this shit. i was cleaning my room and i found the coppy of perks that jean gave me for my birthday last year...and the 3 page note she left me with it. i cried. knowing how much she needed me and how i needed her. that letter does things to me a razor blade couldnt do. i know my friends love me...but sometimes its not enough. n not the way jean does. just on my birthday everyone got me things, but jean gave me something straight out of her heart. she got me my favorite movie "big fish", 2 cds, and perks with the note. and the words "to a charlie, love always a friend" inscripted in it.noone ever loved me that way.she always calls me her "beautiful friend" and i know she doesnt mean appearence.
noone seems to "get" me anymore. im still the same girl i was freshman year, shes just covered up like an unwanted pimple on prom night. shes all dolled up and lonely and she just wants someone to see her.
when i was a freshman me and kelly were best friends. we were hell bent on never kissing a boy outside of dating n never ever giving a blow job or touching a penis unless we were married. i was happy then. in my fantasy world of how i wished boys were. now im so miserabe in this real world of how boys are...how they see me. one boy made me feel good as opposed to 50 who pretend to care to win me over.
i had lunch with kelly n her mom n sister n my sister today and it was so refreshing. we talked about everything. i love the fact that i can tell her mom anything n she wont say anything to anyone about it...i wish i had a mom like that. when we started talking about sex and stuff n i said what ive done her mother whos known me since 4th grade smiled and told me im responsible and that i choose people who are deserving. me and kelly grew apart during highschool, and i let it go because i didnt care about anything once i magically got "pretty". im such a shit head. i hate being me so much. i hate the words "im sorry" and i hate hormones and boys and feeling the way i do about them. i hate my first fucking kiss, and my last fucking kiss. i want to be 14 again, before i saw thouse blue eyes. when i had no chance of ever having anyone like me. when people talked to me and said "wow, this girl is awsome, shes funny and crazy and weird". instead of "wow this girl has nice tits". kellys mom still sees me as the little girl who bought mermaid erasers from the school store and thought "impeachment" was "peached". she still sees me as the girl i was before people looked at me. i dont like being grown up now. i dont like feeling alone all the time. i dont like being me and noone knowing about it.
me and jean used to talk about this all the time.i love her so! we dont much anymore. cause im a shit head. i really hate myself for being an asshole. why do i let everything good in my life go away.im destined for this shit. i was cleaning my room and i found the coppy of perks that jean gave me for my birthday last year...and the 3 page note she left me with it. i cried. knowing how much she needed me and how i needed her. that letter does things to me a razor blade couldnt do. i know my friends love me...but sometimes its not enough. n not the way jean does. just on my birthday everyone got me things, but jean gave me something straight out of her heart. she got me my favorite movie "big fish", 2 cds, and perks with the note. and the words "to a charlie, love always a friend" inscripted in it.noone ever loved me that way.she always calls me her "beautiful friend" and i know she doesnt mean appearence.
noone seems to "get" me anymore. im still the same girl i was freshman year, shes just covered up like an unwanted pimple on prom night. shes all dolled up and lonely and she just wants someone to see her.