The Man You Were
Title: Falling Away with You
Author: 0creativity
Part: 9 of 9
Rating: R for language
Summary: Set after Grave Danger. That should give you an idea.
Spoilers: Grave Danger
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Chapter Nine
Broken. He feels as if he’s been broken into a million pieces and he fears that he may never be whole again. His days are an endless parade of friends and family offering their condolences, checking in, making sure he’s doing okay, asking if there’s anything they can do for him. He wants to tell them to just leave him alone, just let him be with Nick alone for a while, but instead he forces a smile, says he’s okay, says that as long as Nick keeps breathing, he’s got everything he needs.
He’s not sure that’s true, though. As much as the site of Nick breathing fills him with hope, the fact that he still hasn’t woken up, that he’s barely moved since they brought him in, and that he’s still so pale and lifeless fills him with despair. So he sits in his chair by Nick’s bed, holds his hand, talks to him about anything that comes to mind. Mostly, though, he begs him, begs him to please just wake up, to please just to get better.
The past six months or so have definitely been one of the lowest points of their relationship. Circumstance has torn them apart but they keep fighting, and he can’t believe he ever seriously thought about giving up Nick. He’s thankful that Nick wouldn’t let him. He’s thankful, for once, that Nick was stubborn and got his way, because now that he’s seen the alternative, now that he’s seen what a life without Nick holds, he’ll do anything if he can just be guaranteed those couple of hours a day that never seemed like enough before.
It’s day three and Nick still isn’t awake. The doctors tell him that Nick will be fine, that they’re just keeping him sedated until the ant bites have mostly healed, but Greg still worries. He hasn’t gone this long without at least talking to Nick in years, and it’s killing him. He pulls his chair closer to the bed, lays his head on Nick’s chest, and let’s the steady beating of his heart lull him to sleep, just like it has so many times before.
~
He doesn’t understand. They told him that everything was going to be okay. They told him that there was nothing to worry about. They said he’d pull through just fine. So why is he standing at the edge of a hole, watching as Nick’s casket is slowly lowered into it?
Everyone else left a long time ago, and he’s just standing there, just standing there and staring, trying to make sense of why they’re putting Nick back into a hole when they just pulled him out of one a few days ago.
It’s starting to rain, but he doesn’t care; he doesn’t even feel it. His eyes are closed and he can almost see Nick standing next to him, smiling that sweet, slightly self conscious, slightly puzzled smile like he can’t figure out why they’re standing in the rain. He focuses a little harder and he swears he can hear Nick’s voice. “G? Don’t you remember what happened the last time we stayed out in the rain?”
God, does he remember. He remembers the feel of Nick beneath him, the sound of Nick’s needy moans, the sight of his beautiful, tanned body illuminated by flashes of lightning, the smell of sex and Nick and rain all mingling together, the taste of Nick’s tongue as it probed his mouth.
And each of those million pieces has just shattered into a million more pieces and he knows that he’ll never be whole again. It isn’t until he’s completely soaked that he decides he should leave. As he turns around and heads back to the truck, he can’t help but think that maybe they should have cremated Nick. He’s spent enough time buried as it is.
He doesn’t understand how all of these people can go about their daily routines as if nothing’s wrong, as if his entire world hasn’t just been taken away from him. He wants to stop the truck and get out and yell at these people, make them understand that Nick Stokes is dead, that he isn’t coming back. He wants them to know that the best person he’s ever known in his entire life, the person he loves more than anything, has been taken away. He wants them to feel his pain. He wants them to realize that Nick was honest and caring and loving and a wonderful person. He wants them to be upset that Nick is gone. He doesn’t, though, because they wouldn’t understand. None of those people knew Nick, and even though others that did are hurt, none of them are hurting like him, so he still feels all alone. No one could ever understand what he’s going through. And it hurts that one of the only parts of Nick he gets to himself is the pain.
When he gets home, he screams and yells and kicks anything that’s in his way as he walks towards the bedroom. He collapses onto the bed, completely drained. He keeps replaying their life together in his head, intent on making sure that Nick’s spirit, at least, never dies. His body may be gone, but Greg will still keep the man.
~
His eyes snap open and he sees that Nick is finally awake and he’s never been so happy in his life. He squeezes Nick’s hand, whispers a “Hey.”
“Hey,” Nick whispers back, but his voice is rough and he coughs. Greg pours him a glass of water, not once taking his eyes off Nick.
“How you feeling?” he asks as he hands Nick the glass.
“Alive,” is all he says, but it causes Greg to breakdown anyway.
~
He doesn’t know why he’s doing it, but he can’t stop himself from trying to remember everything he can about Nick, about them. He commits every tiny little detail to memory, because if something like this ever happens again and Nick doesn’t make it through, he wants to make sure he can always remember the man Nick was.
He looks across the bed at Nick’s sleeping form and knows that the only reason Nick’s sleeping is because of the medication. He knows he should try to get some sleep, but the nightmares will come back and as soon as he finally fights them off and starts to get some real sleep, Nick will wake up from one of his own nightmares and he’ll need Greg to comfort him. So Greg’s just content to lay there and stare at the most important person in his world.
He knows if Nick would have died this time, he’d only be able to remember the pain and suffering he went through. He’d always remember the last few months and how rough they had been, he’d probably even remember the hard times from years past, and that’s not how he wants to remember Nick. So he focuses on all of the good times they’ve had, forces himself to remember them.
Tonight, he decides to focus on their first real kiss. He remembers when he told Nick he wanted to try to have a serious relationship. He remembers how Nick’s eyes lit up, he remembers how happy Nick had been. He remembers how good it felt to be the reason that Nick was so happy.
He also remembers the doubt and the fear, how he wasn’t sure it could ever work out because he didn’t date seriously and besides, did he really believe that two guys could love and care about each other?
Their first real kiss had silenced any doubts that he had. He decided right then and there that he didn’t care what the stigma was, he didn’t care how people viewed him and Nick, because after that kiss, he knew they were meant to be. All it took was one kiss from Nick Stokes and his entire life had changed. When he finally falls asleep, his nightmares aren’t quite so bad.
~
Nick knows he needs to fall asleep, but he’s afraid to. He’s afraid that when he wakes up, he’ll be back underground, stuck in that box with ants crawling all over him. So he decides to use the trick Greg told him about. He searches for something happy, something good, to focus on, and finally decides to settle on when he first told Greg he loved him.
God, he’d been so scared that he was moving too fast, or that Greg wouldn’t feel the same. He’d fought with himself for so long about if he should say it or not, but his mouth had had its own ideas and said it when he was least suspecting it. So he ran. He ran out of the diner and to his truck and didn’t stop driving until he was pulling into his driveway in Texas.
And when Greg had called him and said he felt the same way? He thought he’d died and gone to heaven. He’d been so afraid of rejection or screwing things up that he hadn’t allowed himself to think about what would happen if Greg felt the same way.
He smiles to himself as he closes his eyes. He rolls over onto his side and wraps an arm around Greg, and for the first time in over a month, he isn’t squeezing tight enough to wake up Greg.
~
Five months later and they’re almost back to normal. The shift split still hasn’t been resolved, but Grissom and Catherine finally pooled their power together and went over Ecklie’s head so Nick and Greg are at least on the same shift now. And every time Greg sees Nick smile, even if it isn’t directed towards him, every time he hears Nick’s voice, every time he feels Nick’s arms around him, every time he tastes one of Nick’s good morning kisses, and every time he smells Nick’s cologne, he can feel one of those millions of tiny pieces being picked up and put back in its place. And he thinks that maybe, just maybe, someday he’ll be whole again.
A/N: Okay, this is actually one of the shorter chapters, and for that, I apologize. To everyone who has stuck around this far, THANK YOU! Also, I know I said this when I posted the first chapter, but a huge thank you to saebuffyboy who listened to be bitch and complain and helped me focus some of my ideas.
A lot of this chapter was inspired by the Vienna Teng song "Say Uncle". Here's a link to the lyrics for anyone interested. I guarantee it will make you teary eyed if you've ever lost someone close to you.
Author: 0creativity
Part: 9 of 9
Rating: R for language
Summary: Set after Grave Danger. That should give you an idea.
Spoilers: Grave Danger
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Chapter Nine
Broken. He feels as if he’s been broken into a million pieces and he fears that he may never be whole again. His days are an endless parade of friends and family offering their condolences, checking in, making sure he’s doing okay, asking if there’s anything they can do for him. He wants to tell them to just leave him alone, just let him be with Nick alone for a while, but instead he forces a smile, says he’s okay, says that as long as Nick keeps breathing, he’s got everything he needs.
He’s not sure that’s true, though. As much as the site of Nick breathing fills him with hope, the fact that he still hasn’t woken up, that he’s barely moved since they brought him in, and that he’s still so pale and lifeless fills him with despair. So he sits in his chair by Nick’s bed, holds his hand, talks to him about anything that comes to mind. Mostly, though, he begs him, begs him to please just wake up, to please just to get better.
The past six months or so have definitely been one of the lowest points of their relationship. Circumstance has torn them apart but they keep fighting, and he can’t believe he ever seriously thought about giving up Nick. He’s thankful that Nick wouldn’t let him. He’s thankful, for once, that Nick was stubborn and got his way, because now that he’s seen the alternative, now that he’s seen what a life without Nick holds, he’ll do anything if he can just be guaranteed those couple of hours a day that never seemed like enough before.
It’s day three and Nick still isn’t awake. The doctors tell him that Nick will be fine, that they’re just keeping him sedated until the ant bites have mostly healed, but Greg still worries. He hasn’t gone this long without at least talking to Nick in years, and it’s killing him. He pulls his chair closer to the bed, lays his head on Nick’s chest, and let’s the steady beating of his heart lull him to sleep, just like it has so many times before.
~
He doesn’t understand. They told him that everything was going to be okay. They told him that there was nothing to worry about. They said he’d pull through just fine. So why is he standing at the edge of a hole, watching as Nick’s casket is slowly lowered into it?
Everyone else left a long time ago, and he’s just standing there, just standing there and staring, trying to make sense of why they’re putting Nick back into a hole when they just pulled him out of one a few days ago.
It’s starting to rain, but he doesn’t care; he doesn’t even feel it. His eyes are closed and he can almost see Nick standing next to him, smiling that sweet, slightly self conscious, slightly puzzled smile like he can’t figure out why they’re standing in the rain. He focuses a little harder and he swears he can hear Nick’s voice. “G? Don’t you remember what happened the last time we stayed out in the rain?”
God, does he remember. He remembers the feel of Nick beneath him, the sound of Nick’s needy moans, the sight of his beautiful, tanned body illuminated by flashes of lightning, the smell of sex and Nick and rain all mingling together, the taste of Nick’s tongue as it probed his mouth.
And each of those million pieces has just shattered into a million more pieces and he knows that he’ll never be whole again. It isn’t until he’s completely soaked that he decides he should leave. As he turns around and heads back to the truck, he can’t help but think that maybe they should have cremated Nick. He’s spent enough time buried as it is.
He doesn’t understand how all of these people can go about their daily routines as if nothing’s wrong, as if his entire world hasn’t just been taken away from him. He wants to stop the truck and get out and yell at these people, make them understand that Nick Stokes is dead, that he isn’t coming back. He wants them to know that the best person he’s ever known in his entire life, the person he loves more than anything, has been taken away. He wants them to feel his pain. He wants them to realize that Nick was honest and caring and loving and a wonderful person. He wants them to be upset that Nick is gone. He doesn’t, though, because they wouldn’t understand. None of those people knew Nick, and even though others that did are hurt, none of them are hurting like him, so he still feels all alone. No one could ever understand what he’s going through. And it hurts that one of the only parts of Nick he gets to himself is the pain.
When he gets home, he screams and yells and kicks anything that’s in his way as he walks towards the bedroom. He collapses onto the bed, completely drained. He keeps replaying their life together in his head, intent on making sure that Nick’s spirit, at least, never dies. His body may be gone, but Greg will still keep the man.
~
His eyes snap open and he sees that Nick is finally awake and he’s never been so happy in his life. He squeezes Nick’s hand, whispers a “Hey.”
“Hey,” Nick whispers back, but his voice is rough and he coughs. Greg pours him a glass of water, not once taking his eyes off Nick.
“How you feeling?” he asks as he hands Nick the glass.
“Alive,” is all he says, but it causes Greg to breakdown anyway.
~
He doesn’t know why he’s doing it, but he can’t stop himself from trying to remember everything he can about Nick, about them. He commits every tiny little detail to memory, because if something like this ever happens again and Nick doesn’t make it through, he wants to make sure he can always remember the man Nick was.
He looks across the bed at Nick’s sleeping form and knows that the only reason Nick’s sleeping is because of the medication. He knows he should try to get some sleep, but the nightmares will come back and as soon as he finally fights them off and starts to get some real sleep, Nick will wake up from one of his own nightmares and he’ll need Greg to comfort him. So Greg’s just content to lay there and stare at the most important person in his world.
He knows if Nick would have died this time, he’d only be able to remember the pain and suffering he went through. He’d always remember the last few months and how rough they had been, he’d probably even remember the hard times from years past, and that’s not how he wants to remember Nick. So he focuses on all of the good times they’ve had, forces himself to remember them.
Tonight, he decides to focus on their first real kiss. He remembers when he told Nick he wanted to try to have a serious relationship. He remembers how Nick’s eyes lit up, he remembers how happy Nick had been. He remembers how good it felt to be the reason that Nick was so happy.
He also remembers the doubt and the fear, how he wasn’t sure it could ever work out because he didn’t date seriously and besides, did he really believe that two guys could love and care about each other?
Their first real kiss had silenced any doubts that he had. He decided right then and there that he didn’t care what the stigma was, he didn’t care how people viewed him and Nick, because after that kiss, he knew they were meant to be. All it took was one kiss from Nick Stokes and his entire life had changed. When he finally falls asleep, his nightmares aren’t quite so bad.
~
Nick knows he needs to fall asleep, but he’s afraid to. He’s afraid that when he wakes up, he’ll be back underground, stuck in that box with ants crawling all over him. So he decides to use the trick Greg told him about. He searches for something happy, something good, to focus on, and finally decides to settle on when he first told Greg he loved him.
God, he’d been so scared that he was moving too fast, or that Greg wouldn’t feel the same. He’d fought with himself for so long about if he should say it or not, but his mouth had had its own ideas and said it when he was least suspecting it. So he ran. He ran out of the diner and to his truck and didn’t stop driving until he was pulling into his driveway in Texas.
And when Greg had called him and said he felt the same way? He thought he’d died and gone to heaven. He’d been so afraid of rejection or screwing things up that he hadn’t allowed himself to think about what would happen if Greg felt the same way.
He smiles to himself as he closes his eyes. He rolls over onto his side and wraps an arm around Greg, and for the first time in over a month, he isn’t squeezing tight enough to wake up Greg.
~
Five months later and they’re almost back to normal. The shift split still hasn’t been resolved, but Grissom and Catherine finally pooled their power together and went over Ecklie’s head so Nick and Greg are at least on the same shift now. And every time Greg sees Nick smile, even if it isn’t directed towards him, every time he hears Nick’s voice, every time he feels Nick’s arms around him, every time he tastes one of Nick’s good morning kisses, and every time he smells Nick’s cologne, he can feel one of those millions of tiny pieces being picked up and put back in its place. And he thinks that maybe, just maybe, someday he’ll be whole again.
A/N: Okay, this is actually one of the shorter chapters, and for that, I apologize. To everyone who has stuck around this far, THANK YOU! Also, I know I said this when I posted the first chapter, but a huge thank you to saebuffyboy who listened to be bitch and complain and helped me focus some of my ideas.
A lot of this chapter was inspired by the Vienna Teng song "Say Uncle". Here's a link to the lyrics for anyone interested. I guarantee it will make you teary eyed if you've ever lost someone close to you.