Vulnerable Me
Title: Falling Away with You
Author: 0creativity
Part: 8 of 9
Rating: R for language
Summary: The shift split takes its toll.
Spoilers: General season five, mainly "Spark of Life" and "4x4"
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Chapter Eight
It was the hardest shift Greg has ever had to work. The entire night he had been one step away from letting it all get to him. He doesn’t remember a whole lot about the lab explosion, but he does remember the pain, both physical and emotional, that he felt afterwards. He’s the only person in the lab who knows what it feels like to have those kinds of burns and even he can’t even begin to imagine what that poor woman must be going through. He wonders if it makes him a bad person that he actually wishes for her death.
He’d tried so hard to focus on the case and to push all other thoughts out of his mind, but Grissom had finally called him on it. Maybe Grissom had finally realized that assigning a CSI level one who had been blown up in a lab explosion to a living burn victim who was barely clinging to life wasn’t such a smart idea. Greg smiles to himself at that thought. No, the only reason Grissom told him to take a break was because the breakdown was getting closer and closer and the last thing Grissom wanted was for someone to mess up one of his precious cases.
He should wake up Nick. He knows he should, knows Nick would want him to. He can’t bring himself to do it, though, because he’s sure Nick’s had a hard night too and he’s only been asleep for a few hours. He doesn’t need to add guilt to the growing mountain of emotions weighing him down. Instead, he collapses onto the couch and lets the breakdown finally take him over.
Silent sobs roll over his body. He doesn’t know why he’s crying. It might be for Tara, it might be for the whole string of fucked up events that ended in so many deaths tonight, it might be because he feels as if he disappointed Grissom, it might be because Sophia called him on his recent personality change, or it might just be because he never gets to spend any quality time with Nick anymore.
As soon as he’s thinking it, Nick’s sitting down beside him, taking him in his arms, pulling them both down so they’re laying chest to chest. Greg takes what’s being offered. He burrows his face into Nick’s chest, lets the tears come. He wraps his arms around Nick and holds on as tight as he can as Nick whispers reassurances in his ear.
He wants to believe. He wants to believe that everything will be all right, that the case won’t bring back the nightmares he thought he’d finally gotten over. He wants to believe that Tara won’t feel any pain, that the recovery will be swift and painless and she’ll be back to living life to the fullest in no time.
Above all else, though, he wants to believe that he and Nick aren’t drifting apart. The shift split means they hardly ever get to see each other anymore. They try, though. They’ve both been taking off more and more days and Catherine and Grissom have been good about tweaking their schedules so their days off always coincide. It’s on those days that Greg can almost believe that everything’s okay, but then another day like this always brings him hurtling towards reality. He can’t ask Nick to stay up all day with him, to lose hours and hours of sleep just because he’s having some silly little problems dealing with a case. It’s not fair to him.
“I can’t do this,” he whispers into Nick’s chest. Nick holds him tighter, whispers back.
“Of course you can.”
Greg’s shaking his head before Nick even finishes. “I can’t,” he whispers again.
“It’s hard at first, G. You know that. You’re strong, though. You can do this.”
“Not talking about that,” and it pains him to admit it, but he figures they both deserve the truth.
Nick pulls away to look into Greg’s eyes. “What are you talking about, then?”
“This.” He motions weakly between the two of them. “I need you, Nick, and I can’t have you.” The tears keep coming and he doesn’t bother to wipe them away.
“What’re you talking about, G?” Nick’s starting to crying now too because he knows where this is going. “You’ve got me. I’m right here.”
“We never get to see each other,” Greg whispers. “We never get any time together anymore. And when I need you most, like right now, I can’t have you.”
“You do have me, G. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“You need to sleep.”
“You know I’m not going to sleep anyway if I know you’re out here and you need me. I’m not going anywhere, Greg. I’ll take today off if I have to.”
“God, I miss you so much, Nicky.”
“I know. I miss you too, Greg.”
“How are we going to make it through this?”
“I don’t know,” Nick admits quietly. “By not giving up, I guess.”
“I’m not sure if I can do that.”
“You can, Greg. You’ve never given up before. It’s not in you to give up.”
Greg doesn’t say anything so Nick decides to fill the silence. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Greg chokes back a sob. “I’m thinking... I’m thinking I’m exhausted.”
Nick nods in understanding. “Why? What brought you to this point?”
“The case tonight? Never getting to see you? The shit I see people do to each other everyday? Take your pick. Mostly, though, I’m just tired of having to worry about us. It’s not fair, Nick. We’ve worked hard to get where we are and we’re good people, so why does this shit always happen to us? Why is the world so determined to tear us apart?”
“I don’t know, baby, but the important thing is that we make sure it doesn’t succeed.”
And when Nick says it like that, like it’s the easiest thing in the world to do, Greg thinks, if only for the moment, that he just might be able to do that.
~
“Just another day in paradise.”
He laughs to himself as he replays the brief conversation in his mind. Paradise? Had he really said that? This, paradise? Feels more like Hell to him. Like his own personal Hell where everything he wants is dangled just out of reach and everything he has is slowly being pulled away from him. He just wants to get home. He just wants to curl up with Greg in bed. He wants to forget all about idiotic little kids getting drunk and putting their friends in dryers. He needs Greg to hold him. He needs to feel loved. He needs to talk to Greg and be reassured that not everyone in the world is a horrible person.
Greg’s not there though. He’s off working a double somewhere and now he understands what Greg meant by not being able to do this. Nick looks around their apartment. There are pictures of them together, when they were both happy. Laughing together, enjoying each other’s company, not a care in the world. He sits down on the couch and buries his face in his hands. So this is how it ends. After all they’ve been through together, all it takes to break them apart is an egomaniac on a power trip.
He doesn’t know what to do. They’ve both tried to make it work, but it’s impossible. Their schedules are too different. He’s contemplated getting another job, but he knows he won’t be able to find anything that he’ll actually like that has a night shift. He’s talked to Grissom and Catherine, but they’ve both done all they can. He even talked to Ecklie, who laughed him right out of his office. He hasn’t talked to Greg about trying to find another job because he can’t ask him to give up all he’s worked for. Greg had actually wanted to become a CSI. Nick just became one because it was necessary at the time.
So he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place now. He can’t have what he so desperately needs, what he deserves. He doesn’t understand why God gave him the most beautiful, perfect person He’s ever created and now He’s taking him away. ‘Maybe I’m just not good enough,’ he thinks. Somewhere deep inside of him he knows that’s not true.
He’s done everything he can and so has Greg. He’s confused and angry and upset and none of it has to do with the case anymore. None of it has to do with the bullshit people do to each other anymore. It has everything to do with the fact that he can’t have his Greg.
He wants to cry but his emotions are so screwed up he doesn’t think his brain realizes he should be sad. He makes his way into the bedroom and lets himself fall onto the bed. He’s on Greg’s side, but he doesn’t care. He needs to be on Greg’s side. He needs that familiar smell. He needs to be surrounded by Greg’s things since he can’t be surrounded by Greg himself. He rolls over onto his side and looks at the picture Greg has sitting on the bedside table and it pushes him over the edge and he finally breaks down.
Last summer they’d taken some time off together to go to California and visit Greg’s parents and Papa Olaf, who had just gotten a digital camera. He was having so much fun taking pictures of random things. They all turned out blurry and out of focus and some were too dark to make anything out in them and in others the bright light of the flash drowned everything out. The one he took of Nick and Greg wasn’t any better, but Papa Olaf had been so proud of it. He played around with it in some cheap digital imaging program on his old computer and put a tacky little border around it that said “True Love.” He printed it out and gave it to Nick and Greg on their last day there. Nick had to admit that it was one of the best gifts he’d ever received.
True Love. Nick wonders what that means. He wonders if its possible to love the same person forever. He mentally chastises himself then, because he can’t picture ever not loving Greg. His parents taught him that true love always finds a way. ‘What a load of bullshit,’ he thinks. He can’t fathom a love truer than the one he and Greg share, but they still can’t find a way to fix this problem. He’s prayed and he’s screamed and he’s pleaded and he’s cried and he’s done everything he knows to do, but they’re still stuck in an impossible situation.
He hears the front door open and he wipes the tears from his eyes and tries to compose himself. He walks out of the bedroom, checking his appearance in the mirror first to make sure Greg won’t be able to tell he’s been crying.
“You don’t have to be quiet, G. I’m still up.”
Greg turns around in surprise and looks Nick up and down. “You didn’t even try to go to bed?”
“Tough case,” is all he can manage.
Greg hurries across the room and takes Nick in his arms. “You okay?”
“I think so, yeah. God, I miss you.”
“I know. I miss you too.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Nicky.”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Greg nods. “I know.”
Nick wipes the tears from his eyes. “I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live without you.”
“I don’t want to live without you either, Nicky.”
“Then what do we do?”
“I don’t know,” Greg says in a resigned voice. “Maybe... Maybe we should just let each other go.”
“No. I’ll quit. I’ll work as a bag boy at a grocery store before I give you up, Greg.”
“You can’t quit, Nicky. You love this job.”
“I love you more.” Nick looks into Greg’s eyes and sees the pain, the agony, the defeat, which just causes his own tears to come quicker. “I’m not going to let this tear us apart, G. We’re stronger than this.”
“How can you be so sure, Nick? What if we aren’t? Because I’m pretty damn close to the breaking point.”
“We’ll make it through this, G. We have to. True love always finds a way, right?”
Greg just stares at his hands before replying quietly. “Sometimes love just isn’t enough, Nicky.”
Author: 0creativity
Part: 8 of 9
Rating: R for language
Summary: The shift split takes its toll.
Spoilers: General season five, mainly "Spark of Life" and "4x4"
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Chapter Eight
It was the hardest shift Greg has ever had to work. The entire night he had been one step away from letting it all get to him. He doesn’t remember a whole lot about the lab explosion, but he does remember the pain, both physical and emotional, that he felt afterwards. He’s the only person in the lab who knows what it feels like to have those kinds of burns and even he can’t even begin to imagine what that poor woman must be going through. He wonders if it makes him a bad person that he actually wishes for her death.
He’d tried so hard to focus on the case and to push all other thoughts out of his mind, but Grissom had finally called him on it. Maybe Grissom had finally realized that assigning a CSI level one who had been blown up in a lab explosion to a living burn victim who was barely clinging to life wasn’t such a smart idea. Greg smiles to himself at that thought. No, the only reason Grissom told him to take a break was because the breakdown was getting closer and closer and the last thing Grissom wanted was for someone to mess up one of his precious cases.
He should wake up Nick. He knows he should, knows Nick would want him to. He can’t bring himself to do it, though, because he’s sure Nick’s had a hard night too and he’s only been asleep for a few hours. He doesn’t need to add guilt to the growing mountain of emotions weighing him down. Instead, he collapses onto the couch and lets the breakdown finally take him over.
Silent sobs roll over his body. He doesn’t know why he’s crying. It might be for Tara, it might be for the whole string of fucked up events that ended in so many deaths tonight, it might be because he feels as if he disappointed Grissom, it might be because Sophia called him on his recent personality change, or it might just be because he never gets to spend any quality time with Nick anymore.
As soon as he’s thinking it, Nick’s sitting down beside him, taking him in his arms, pulling them both down so they’re laying chest to chest. Greg takes what’s being offered. He burrows his face into Nick’s chest, lets the tears come. He wraps his arms around Nick and holds on as tight as he can as Nick whispers reassurances in his ear.
He wants to believe. He wants to believe that everything will be all right, that the case won’t bring back the nightmares he thought he’d finally gotten over. He wants to believe that Tara won’t feel any pain, that the recovery will be swift and painless and she’ll be back to living life to the fullest in no time.
Above all else, though, he wants to believe that he and Nick aren’t drifting apart. The shift split means they hardly ever get to see each other anymore. They try, though. They’ve both been taking off more and more days and Catherine and Grissom have been good about tweaking their schedules so their days off always coincide. It’s on those days that Greg can almost believe that everything’s okay, but then another day like this always brings him hurtling towards reality. He can’t ask Nick to stay up all day with him, to lose hours and hours of sleep just because he’s having some silly little problems dealing with a case. It’s not fair to him.
“I can’t do this,” he whispers into Nick’s chest. Nick holds him tighter, whispers back.
“Of course you can.”
Greg’s shaking his head before Nick even finishes. “I can’t,” he whispers again.
“It’s hard at first, G. You know that. You’re strong, though. You can do this.”
“Not talking about that,” and it pains him to admit it, but he figures they both deserve the truth.
Nick pulls away to look into Greg’s eyes. “What are you talking about, then?”
“This.” He motions weakly between the two of them. “I need you, Nick, and I can’t have you.” The tears keep coming and he doesn’t bother to wipe them away.
“What’re you talking about, G?” Nick’s starting to crying now too because he knows where this is going. “You’ve got me. I’m right here.”
“We never get to see each other,” Greg whispers. “We never get any time together anymore. And when I need you most, like right now, I can’t have you.”
“You do have me, G. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“You need to sleep.”
“You know I’m not going to sleep anyway if I know you’re out here and you need me. I’m not going anywhere, Greg. I’ll take today off if I have to.”
“God, I miss you so much, Nicky.”
“I know. I miss you too, Greg.”
“How are we going to make it through this?”
“I don’t know,” Nick admits quietly. “By not giving up, I guess.”
“I’m not sure if I can do that.”
“You can, Greg. You’ve never given up before. It’s not in you to give up.”
Greg doesn’t say anything so Nick decides to fill the silence. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Greg chokes back a sob. “I’m thinking... I’m thinking I’m exhausted.”
Nick nods in understanding. “Why? What brought you to this point?”
“The case tonight? Never getting to see you? The shit I see people do to each other everyday? Take your pick. Mostly, though, I’m just tired of having to worry about us. It’s not fair, Nick. We’ve worked hard to get where we are and we’re good people, so why does this shit always happen to us? Why is the world so determined to tear us apart?”
“I don’t know, baby, but the important thing is that we make sure it doesn’t succeed.”
And when Nick says it like that, like it’s the easiest thing in the world to do, Greg thinks, if only for the moment, that he just might be able to do that.
~
“Just another day in paradise.”
He laughs to himself as he replays the brief conversation in his mind. Paradise? Had he really said that? This, paradise? Feels more like Hell to him. Like his own personal Hell where everything he wants is dangled just out of reach and everything he has is slowly being pulled away from him. He just wants to get home. He just wants to curl up with Greg in bed. He wants to forget all about idiotic little kids getting drunk and putting their friends in dryers. He needs Greg to hold him. He needs to feel loved. He needs to talk to Greg and be reassured that not everyone in the world is a horrible person.
Greg’s not there though. He’s off working a double somewhere and now he understands what Greg meant by not being able to do this. Nick looks around their apartment. There are pictures of them together, when they were both happy. Laughing together, enjoying each other’s company, not a care in the world. He sits down on the couch and buries his face in his hands. So this is how it ends. After all they’ve been through together, all it takes to break them apart is an egomaniac on a power trip.
He doesn’t know what to do. They’ve both tried to make it work, but it’s impossible. Their schedules are too different. He’s contemplated getting another job, but he knows he won’t be able to find anything that he’ll actually like that has a night shift. He’s talked to Grissom and Catherine, but they’ve both done all they can. He even talked to Ecklie, who laughed him right out of his office. He hasn’t talked to Greg about trying to find another job because he can’t ask him to give up all he’s worked for. Greg had actually wanted to become a CSI. Nick just became one because it was necessary at the time.
So he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place now. He can’t have what he so desperately needs, what he deserves. He doesn’t understand why God gave him the most beautiful, perfect person He’s ever created and now He’s taking him away. ‘Maybe I’m just not good enough,’ he thinks. Somewhere deep inside of him he knows that’s not true.
He’s done everything he can and so has Greg. He’s confused and angry and upset and none of it has to do with the case anymore. None of it has to do with the bullshit people do to each other anymore. It has everything to do with the fact that he can’t have his Greg.
He wants to cry but his emotions are so screwed up he doesn’t think his brain realizes he should be sad. He makes his way into the bedroom and lets himself fall onto the bed. He’s on Greg’s side, but he doesn’t care. He needs to be on Greg’s side. He needs that familiar smell. He needs to be surrounded by Greg’s things since he can’t be surrounded by Greg himself. He rolls over onto his side and looks at the picture Greg has sitting on the bedside table and it pushes him over the edge and he finally breaks down.
Last summer they’d taken some time off together to go to California and visit Greg’s parents and Papa Olaf, who had just gotten a digital camera. He was having so much fun taking pictures of random things. They all turned out blurry and out of focus and some were too dark to make anything out in them and in others the bright light of the flash drowned everything out. The one he took of Nick and Greg wasn’t any better, but Papa Olaf had been so proud of it. He played around with it in some cheap digital imaging program on his old computer and put a tacky little border around it that said “True Love.” He printed it out and gave it to Nick and Greg on their last day there. Nick had to admit that it was one of the best gifts he’d ever received.
True Love. Nick wonders what that means. He wonders if its possible to love the same person forever. He mentally chastises himself then, because he can’t picture ever not loving Greg. His parents taught him that true love always finds a way. ‘What a load of bullshit,’ he thinks. He can’t fathom a love truer than the one he and Greg share, but they still can’t find a way to fix this problem. He’s prayed and he’s screamed and he’s pleaded and he’s cried and he’s done everything he knows to do, but they’re still stuck in an impossible situation.
He hears the front door open and he wipes the tears from his eyes and tries to compose himself. He walks out of the bedroom, checking his appearance in the mirror first to make sure Greg won’t be able to tell he’s been crying.
“You don’t have to be quiet, G. I’m still up.”
Greg turns around in surprise and looks Nick up and down. “You didn’t even try to go to bed?”
“Tough case,” is all he can manage.
Greg hurries across the room and takes Nick in his arms. “You okay?”
“I think so, yeah. God, I miss you.”
“I know. I miss you too.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Nicky.”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Greg nods. “I know.”
Nick wipes the tears from his eyes. “I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live without you.”
“I don’t want to live without you either, Nicky.”
“Then what do we do?”
“I don’t know,” Greg says in a resigned voice. “Maybe... Maybe we should just let each other go.”
“No. I’ll quit. I’ll work as a bag boy at a grocery store before I give you up, Greg.”
“You can’t quit, Nicky. You love this job.”
“I love you more.” Nick looks into Greg’s eyes and sees the pain, the agony, the defeat, which just causes his own tears to come quicker. “I’m not going to let this tear us apart, G. We’re stronger than this.”
“How can you be so sure, Nick? What if we aren’t? Because I’m pretty damn close to the breaking point.”
“We’ll make it through this, G. We have to. True love always finds a way, right?”
Greg just stares at his hands before replying quietly. “Sometimes love just isn’t enough, Nicky.”