i tRy MoViNg On...bUt mY fEeT aRe gLuEd tO tHe FlOoR
This whole day seemed like a week. Every class dragged on and on for what seemed like hours. It was endless.
School's starting to feel like a complete drag. It seems every class is a long and boring blank space in my life. I space out more than I used to. I'll be sitting listening to the teacher, then boom, all of the sudden my mind goes onto something else and I completely space out for the rest of the class. I jsut hear bits and pieces of the class, nothing that makes full sense. An example can be seen on my school work. I'm slacking. I have a project in English due on Friday and an essay in Workplace Essentials, but today all I did was sleep after I got home and watch TV. I dont know whats wrong with me. My grades are starting to slip. I got a 65 on a Geometry test I should have completely passed. I just...feel very very uncaring. I used to care about doing all of my homework after I got home. It used to be that I couldnt go to bed because my conscience would bother me if I didnt finish something. Now, its just the opposite. I dont do homework at home. I do it in the morning before whatever class it's due in. Maybe my lack of concentration is because of how hard my Mother pushes me to be the best and get the best grades. I've made straight A's last semester. I worked my ass off for that. Maybe the source of this is I thought if I did what she wanted, if I was the perfect little straight A angel she wanted me to be, she's let up a bit and let me see Spencer more than once a week or once every two weeks. I honestly thought if I did everything she wanted me to she'd let me have that little piece of what I ask for. I dont ask her for a lot. I dont do drugs. I dont smoke. I dont sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to meet my 20 year old tatooed boyfriend. I dont sneak out to parties where there's drinking and sex and drugs. I'm not that kind of girl. I'm jsut the opposite. So you'd think I'd have some privelages, right? You'd think I'd have my parents trust to let me see my boyfriend just a little bit more than once in a blue moon? Yes, you would...but do I? No. Sad thign is, the girls I knwo who ARE like that, they get more freedom from their parents than I see in a year.
I'm sorry. I just went on and on...I just feel completely useless and unimportant and unsuccessful right now. Seems nothing I do, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how good my grades are, it'll never be enough for them. I've already known this, but now that it's actually starting to affect my life in a negative way, it's really starting to hurt.
When I think about my life
I wonder if I will survive to live to see 25
Or will I just fall?