(no subject)
Life is hard. Hard and frustrating. I am depressed because I just feel so tired. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of fighting to keep it all together. Tired of trying to keep a good front when I can't.
I have friends. Very good friends. 2 fabulous friends. The rest are just people I kinda know that I sometimes enjoy being around. True story.
But I feel so alone. My husband did not want to leave the state because of his friends and family. I have friends here to (and family, I am told). And I finally came to terms with the fact that he did nothing wrong. I made the choice that I loved him enough to stay here with him. My problem? His friends and family suck.
When I had the tumor, his mom disappeared after I had the surgery. She visited once when I was in the hospital. For like 5 minutes. Never again. I heard promises of help from her and Amy (who lived in the same dang city) that never happened. My dad was just...
They backed out at the last minute to watch Gabe when I went to have Alex. Pat almost had to miss it. Why? So they could spend over $1,000 on crap for Christmas. Seriously...our kids did not need that much crap. They need their freaking grandparents. His friends say no problem then bitch about us behind our backs. I have been called a lazy mother for asking for help when it had been offered. I have tried to return the favor. No one has ever taken me up on an offer no matter how much I tried to insist. So basically - no one.
Margaret was the only person who ever watched Gabe for us just so we could get out. And now we are an hour away from her. It is not like I made her do it for free (I hope I didn't cheat her, I didn't try). I know Deni would be here if she could. I blame you for nothing, Deni. Honestly, you and Margaret are about the only people I feel I have left to rely on around here.
My marriage could be better. It is hurting again. And all the counseling in the world won't fix it. We aren't ready for divorce or anything. We know why. There is no time for our marriage. Never. Ever. We are just so dang tired by the end of the day. And I can't leave Alex right now. We are ok with that. It is the knowledge that even when I can...we can't. We could just about never find anyone to watch just Gabe. 2 of them.....yeah right.
So the current contemplation is Pat looking for a job in law enforcement in Washington. Close to my family. I am scared of that, too. What if it is the wrong choice? I am scared to leave the friends I have. Scared of the unknown. Just scared. But I can't just keep living this way. I am tired. Pat is tired. Sometimes I wonder how long until we burn out. We are already at a point of mostly coexisting. It is a sad and lonely point. We can communicate. But what about? Neither of us really have any idea what to talk to the other about anymore. Not like we can even have a conversation uninterrupted anyway.
I have friends. Very good friends. 2 fabulous friends. The rest are just people I kinda know that I sometimes enjoy being around. True story.
But I feel so alone. My husband did not want to leave the state because of his friends and family. I have friends here to (and family, I am told). And I finally came to terms with the fact that he did nothing wrong. I made the choice that I loved him enough to stay here with him. My problem? His friends and family suck.
When I had the tumor, his mom disappeared after I had the surgery. She visited once when I was in the hospital. For like 5 minutes. Never again. I heard promises of help from her and Amy (who lived in the same dang city) that never happened. My dad was just...
They backed out at the last minute to watch Gabe when I went to have Alex. Pat almost had to miss it. Why? So they could spend over $1,000 on crap for Christmas. Seriously...our kids did not need that much crap. They need their freaking grandparents. His friends say no problem then bitch about us behind our backs. I have been called a lazy mother for asking for help when it had been offered. I have tried to return the favor. No one has ever taken me up on an offer no matter how much I tried to insist. So basically - no one.
Margaret was the only person who ever watched Gabe for us just so we could get out. And now we are an hour away from her. It is not like I made her do it for free (I hope I didn't cheat her, I didn't try). I know Deni would be here if she could. I blame you for nothing, Deni. Honestly, you and Margaret are about the only people I feel I have left to rely on around here.
My marriage could be better. It is hurting again. And all the counseling in the world won't fix it. We aren't ready for divorce or anything. We know why. There is no time for our marriage. Never. Ever. We are just so dang tired by the end of the day. And I can't leave Alex right now. We are ok with that. It is the knowledge that even when I can...we can't. We could just about never find anyone to watch just Gabe. 2 of them.....yeah right.
So the current contemplation is Pat looking for a job in law enforcement in Washington. Close to my family. I am scared of that, too. What if it is the wrong choice? I am scared to leave the friends I have. Scared of the unknown. Just scared. But I can't just keep living this way. I am tired. Pat is tired. Sometimes I wonder how long until we burn out. We are already at a point of mostly coexisting. It is a sad and lonely point. We can communicate. But what about? Neither of us really have any idea what to talk to the other about anymore. Not like we can even have a conversation uninterrupted anyway.