Left and Right
Ok here's the entry I didn't have time for earlier this week and really don't have time for now, but I have no one else to talk to but my mom...
On my left is one friend and on my right is another. The left used to be one of my closests friends here in school. We talked everyday, knew about eachother's business, crushes, work, and so on. then things changed. I don't know what. I kinda know when, but it changed. I don't know if this one even has anything to do about it, but change happened. We didn't talk, work became horrible, and I felt distant, left behind, and thrown away. Then I focused all of my energy into work, got very very good and efficient so that I got into the good graces of co-workers and my supervisor. I figure if friends can't be there for me, at least I can see a smiling face from my co-workers. So here I am, trying to stay busy so i don't have to think about how lonely I am. and the worst part of all, i don't think they care that i'm not their friend anymore and it tears me up inside. so while this friend has another to turn to, I turn around in circles.
Then there is my friend on the right who IS my best friend up at school, but is bringing themselves into an inevitable doom. Alcohol, sex, carelessness, and a general disregard for friendship. I used to call this friend all the time, have great conversations, was able to tell them anything, and even call them out of stupidity. Now there's too much on their plate for me to get a word in, really. They are scaring me to death, and doesn't even know. I've seen this all before from plenty of others and know exactly where they are headed, and for my best friend to head that way is the most fucked up thing imaginable. so i'm left for this decision on what to say to them, what to do. Too many times have I tried to help these things out and too many times they don't listen and come back later to say "yea...i really should have listened when you tried to tell me that a long time ago". So it's kind of like should I stop trying? should I just let these friends make their mistakes and have them cry to me later? I don't know, I haven't decided yet, but years and years of this drama really adds up.
So there, 2 friends that haven't been there for me. I have shit on my plate too you know. I may not be sick, an alcoholic, have boy issues, or feel incompetant, but there is plenty of hurt here, just no one to talk to. So despite all of this, I feel great. I trully do. I feel like for once i know what I'm doing in most things and I've been the best mood ever. Ok so yea when I think about these friends I don't feel so great, but every other time I do, and that's an improvement from last summer when I had to cope with the breakup of Dave.
Yes I may be a bitch at work, but I am always a bitch to people that I feel have hurt, betrayed, left, or so on. It's how I cope. I figure if I can piss them off enough for them to leave me forever then it's an out of sight, out of mind thing. And for me the out of sight thing really works. If I don't have to see my problem, then I don't have to keep being reminded how much it hurts. Kinda like when you are on a diet and eat a lot of fruits and veggies, and everything is going good, but then you walk down the street and pass by a window of cakes and ice cream and you are like "FUCK!!"...yea kinda like that with more drama.
On my left is one friend and on my right is another. The left used to be one of my closests friends here in school. We talked everyday, knew about eachother's business, crushes, work, and so on. then things changed. I don't know what. I kinda know when, but it changed. I don't know if this one even has anything to do about it, but change happened. We didn't talk, work became horrible, and I felt distant, left behind, and thrown away. Then I focused all of my energy into work, got very very good and efficient so that I got into the good graces of co-workers and my supervisor. I figure if friends can't be there for me, at least I can see a smiling face from my co-workers. So here I am, trying to stay busy so i don't have to think about how lonely I am. and the worst part of all, i don't think they care that i'm not their friend anymore and it tears me up inside. so while this friend has another to turn to, I turn around in circles.
Then there is my friend on the right who IS my best friend up at school, but is bringing themselves into an inevitable doom. Alcohol, sex, carelessness, and a general disregard for friendship. I used to call this friend all the time, have great conversations, was able to tell them anything, and even call them out of stupidity. Now there's too much on their plate for me to get a word in, really. They are scaring me to death, and doesn't even know. I've seen this all before from plenty of others and know exactly where they are headed, and for my best friend to head that way is the most fucked up thing imaginable. so i'm left for this decision on what to say to them, what to do. Too many times have I tried to help these things out and too many times they don't listen and come back later to say "yea...i really should have listened when you tried to tell me that a long time ago". So it's kind of like should I stop trying? should I just let these friends make their mistakes and have them cry to me later? I don't know, I haven't decided yet, but years and years of this drama really adds up.
So there, 2 friends that haven't been there for me. I have shit on my plate too you know. I may not be sick, an alcoholic, have boy issues, or feel incompetant, but there is plenty of hurt here, just no one to talk to. So despite all of this, I feel great. I trully do. I feel like for once i know what I'm doing in most things and I've been the best mood ever. Ok so yea when I think about these friends I don't feel so great, but every other time I do, and that's an improvement from last summer when I had to cope with the breakup of Dave.
Yes I may be a bitch at work, but I am always a bitch to people that I feel have hurt, betrayed, left, or so on. It's how I cope. I figure if I can piss them off enough for them to leave me forever then it's an out of sight, out of mind thing. And for me the out of sight thing really works. If I don't have to see my problem, then I don't have to keep being reminded how much it hurts. Kinda like when you are on a diet and eat a lot of fruits and veggies, and everything is going good, but then you walk down the street and pass by a window of cakes and ice cream and you are like "FUCK!!"...yea kinda like that with more drama.