Life
I don't really feel motivated to do much of anything lately, but I know I need to eat or I will feel even MORE miserable. I am minimally functional, I guess. I spend most of my days in pajamas, distracting myself from my actual feelings and existence as much as possible.
I am just going through the motions of life, I guess. I try to make other people happy. I miss feeling connected with other humans, but in a helpless, hopeless way.
I have had nothing but nightmares or sad dreams for five months.
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On top of everything else, I said goodbye recently to a friendship that I really, deeply valued; a friend I loved very much. It was really over quite awhile ago, I just didn't know it, or didn't want to acknowledge it. I think that on one level I knew, but on another I was hoped I was wrong and hung around hoping that would be the case.
Eventually it became clear that my friend didn't really consider us friends anymore. It appears that they were just waiting on *me* to get the message and go away (said friend being a hater of any confrontation.) Finally, I did. I am slow to take hints, in fact I'm not good at hints at all! I wish people were direct. I think I would rather someone just told me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore, than prevaricate; the former hurts but is honest, but the latter messes with my feelings and compounds the hurt by dragging it out.
I guess in retrospect it makes sense that this person would choose to end our friendship. They are a person very strongly influenced by the opinions and desires of their partner, and their current partner dislikes me very much (to the point of violence). To a normal, hint-taking sort of person, it was probably obvious they would drop me, right? But I really never saw it coming. It never occurred to me that my friend would be so, well, banal.
What's weird about this whole thing is that upon understanding the real situation, I didn't have the depth of care or hurt that I had expected. It somehow cannot touch me. Next to CL's death it's just so trivial. It's like throwing a tiny twig on top of an enormous bonfire. I cannot possibly be more destroyed. More than anything else, I am just disappointed in my friend. I thought they were a better person.
I am just going through the motions of life, I guess. I try to make other people happy. I miss feeling connected with other humans, but in a helpless, hopeless way.
I have had nothing but nightmares or sad dreams for five months.
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On top of everything else, I said goodbye recently to a friendship that I really, deeply valued; a friend I loved very much. It was really over quite awhile ago, I just didn't know it, or didn't want to acknowledge it. I think that on one level I knew, but on another I was hoped I was wrong and hung around hoping that would be the case.
Eventually it became clear that my friend didn't really consider us friends anymore. It appears that they were just waiting on *me* to get the message and go away (said friend being a hater of any confrontation.) Finally, I did. I am slow to take hints, in fact I'm not good at hints at all! I wish people were direct. I think I would rather someone just told me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore, than prevaricate; the former hurts but is honest, but the latter messes with my feelings and compounds the hurt by dragging it out.
I guess in retrospect it makes sense that this person would choose to end our friendship. They are a person very strongly influenced by the opinions and desires of their partner, and their current partner dislikes me very much (to the point of violence). To a normal, hint-taking sort of person, it was probably obvious they would drop me, right? But I really never saw it coming. It never occurred to me that my friend would be so, well, banal.
What's weird about this whole thing is that upon understanding the real situation, I didn't have the depth of care or hurt that I had expected. It somehow cannot touch me. Next to CL's death it's just so trivial. It's like throwing a tiny twig on top of an enormous bonfire. I cannot possibly be more destroyed. More than anything else, I am just disappointed in my friend. I thought they were a better person.