(no subject)
Finally back to 137 pounds. I couldn't resist weighing myself. I just had to know. It was hell getting there but it was worth it, dehydration from laxatives, staying on my feet continuously to burn calories, going to bed hungry, secluded myself from food situations, walking my dogs twice a day, using the mini stepper. I'm scared because on Mondays, my friend will probably want to do the muffin and coffee thing all over again. Maybe if I just tear the muffin apart she won't notice I didn't really have it. God, I hope so. Lately, I've only been getting four hours asleep a day. I don't know what is causing me to not be able to sleep. Maybe it just the anxiety. My legs hurt and have bruises on them now too. I don't remember getting the bruises but they are just there. My calories today is 1280. I keep telling myself there is a possibility I can lose still but I'm becoming more nervous about higher calorie intakes or letting myself have something I've binged on in the past. I want to be 130 and get past that. I'm so tired of getting close to 135 then binging to 140 repeatedly. I want this cycle to stop. I just want to feel skinny. I saw that guy. It was totally accidental. I was walking and he was walking. He spoke first and asked where I was going. I told him but then he said maybe he could take me but then he almost retracted that and said he was busy with friends most of the day. I guess it doesn't matter very much. My energy right is my brother and my weight. I'm taking the time I wasted wishing I had friends, that wasn't socially awkward, that I had a boyfriend, that I wasn't lonely but mostly miserable and uncomfortable around others, my frustrations and trying to.throw it into.losing this weight where it could actually be useful instead of just bringing me down.