Comments | yumi_maki: Fic [Defiance]

yumi_maki

Fic [Defiance]

Mar 22, 2008 19:36

Title: Defiance
Author: yumi-maki
Rating: T
Genre: General/Drama/Adventure
Summary: AU. Suna is known for its' incredible fan dancers. Temari, the only daughter of the Kazekage, has wanted to be one since she was a little girl. However the Kazekage has forbidden her from becoming one. No matter, she's not gonna let that stop her.
Comments: This one's ( Read more... )

defiance, drama, general, temari, new fic, adventure, naruto

Comments 8

lotoseater21 March 23 2008, 01:53:01 UTC

I for one would like to see this fic continued.

ballades March 23 2008, 16:09:36 UTC

I'm... confused? Where's the rest?

yumi_maki March 23 2008, 16:30:39 UTC

This is jut an intro/prologue thingie that I wrote - I posted it to see if anyone would be interested in it. I plan to make it a ShikaTema however, most likely.

ballades March 23 2008, 16:57:30 UTC

It sounds interesting, but I was let down. Your summary piqued my curiosity but when I read it, I was like, "o_O What happened?"

I can understand you posting it to see if anyone's interested in it, but there's simply not enough there to rope someone in. All we have is Temari sneaking back home and Kankurou covering for her. We don't know anything about the world other than your summary, which shouldn't be setting the tone for us anyway. Give us more. Even if I had read your comments correctly I would say the same thing - I don't know whether or not you should continue it, because nothing has happened.

Couple of nitpicks:

Temari tip-toed down the hall, past her father's room, then her brothers' and finally slipped into the room that had once been their playroom but which was now a study for her brothers'.For an introductory sentence, this is too much exposition. You want the very first sentence to compel your reader to read more. By the time the reader gets to the end he's out of breath because there're too many words and too ( ... )

yumi_maki March 23 2008, 22:41:45 UTC

Well, I took it off of the comm but I'm glad I put it on since I was able the get your feedback. The critique is much appreciated. It got me thinking and I realized that this fic's probably going to require quite a bit of effort so I think I'm going to put it on hold until I finish my major multi-chapter fic (It's a Gaara/OC - 19 chapters and still not even close to the end ( ... )

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