Fic: Of Stalkers and Crossdressing Idiots
Title: Of Stalkers and Crossdressing Idiots
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot
Summary: Jin will do anything to keep an eye on Kame, but he should've known that going to Ueda for help was a bad idea.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife," were the first words out of Akanishi Jin's mouth when he came into the dressing room that morning.
Koki blinked, nonplussed. "What the hell?"
Jin shrugged, making his way towards the couch. "It was a line in some English book I read." He chose to ignore the murmurs of, "English? He can barely read Japanese," and "is this from the same person who thought kurama ebi in English was car shrimp?"
He flopped down and glanced around. "Where's Kame?"
Ueda looked up from his laptop. "He said something about the manager calling him in with information about the photoshoot. He should be back any minute now."
Jin grinned. "Perfect!" He beckoned his bandmates to come closer and whispered conspiratorially, "I think Kame's gay."
A cough. Then a snicker, and the whole room exploded in hysterics.
"There's no chance of Kame being gay, Jin," Koki said when he calmed down. "He and I did so much near-kissing fanservice that if he was, he would've jumped me by now."
"As if, like his standards are so low that he'll consider you, when I'm ten times sexier than you are," Jin remarked snidely, feeling particularly vindictive at the thought of Kame choosing Koki instead of him.
Nakamaru hastily stepped in before blows could be exchanged. "How do you know if Kame's, er, gay?"
"He hasn't even looked at all those fangirls hurling themselves at him!"
"...And?"
"Well, see, that's just it. I don't have any evidence." Jin admitted sheepishly, then added, "But I have a plan to find out! I'm going to set him up with a guy from NewS or Arashi or something, and we can pretend to be ninjas and spy on them and it's gonna be fun because it's a great plan and don't even think about laughing at me or calling me stupid unless you want to be chopped into little bits and fed to Kame's dog."
"What about Ran-chan?"
"Oh, nothing, just that if they mock me they..." Jin trailed off when he realized who he was talking to. "Um..."
Kame gazed back at him, an elegant eyebrow raised.
"...She gets to eat them?" he finished weakly.
"Eat? I don't even want to know why-"
"Ah, what about that photoshoot?" Jin interrupted, praying that the mention of work would distract Kame from what he had just heard.
"The photoshoot's scheduled for Tuesday next week." His raised brow told Jin that his pathetic attempt hadn't fooled him.
"...And we don't have anything to do today! Why don't we go to a club? It'll be fun, ne?"
Kame stared at him blankly and shook his head. "Can't. I have a date tonight."
"A...a date?" Jin gasped and fanned himself, feeling faint. "With a girl?"
"Did you expect it to be a boy?"
An awkward silence.
"Don't answer that."
"Great," Jin forced a smile and tried to ignore the twinge of jealousy. "Where are you going?"
"To that Chinese restaurant next to your apartment. Why?"
"No reason," Jin mumbled, a plan hatching in his mind. "No reason at all."
*
"No! Absolutely not!"
"C'mon, Jin," Ueda coaxed, waving a waitress uniform at the cowering form.
"Get that thing away from me!" Jin shrieked, arms flailing wildly. "Why the hell can't you wear it? You look more like a girl than I ever will!"
Nakamaru sighed. "I don't see why you're making such a big fuss over this, Jin. You didn't have a problem with it at all when Johnny-sama asked you to."
"Who in their right mind would refuse Johnny-sama?"
"Well, glad to know you don't really have an interest in crossdressing," Koki muttered. "Now get into the dress before we force it on you."
"Who came up with this stupid idea anyway?"
"You did, smart one."
...
"Here," Ueda thrust a pair of earphones at Jin after he put the uniform on. "Just in case you need help."
Jin's eyes teared up, and he hurled himself on his smaller bandmate. "Oh, Tat-chan! I knew you cared!"
"Gah, get him off!"
*
"Are you ever going to tell him that we're watching on him spy on Kame from your laptop?"
"Do I look like I have a death wish?"
*
Getting a job at the restaurant was easy enough; the manager's wife was a big fan of KAT-TUN, so when Jin explained his situation (i.e. begged) she immediately agreed, granted that Jin and Kame could, ah, put on a small show for her family afterward - her daughters were also fangirls.
("Y'know," Koki commented. "This AkaKame thing is getting old. Now KoKame, on the other hand...)
When he was done with getting dressed, he rushed out of the restroom just in time to see Kame and his date getting seated at a table. Jin walked over, wobbling slightly (he still wasn't used to heels), cleared his throat, and tried to ignore the curious look Kame was giving him.
"Hello, welcome to Lao Si Chuan, I'll be your server tonight. Are you ready to order?"
*
"Hey, KAT-TUN," a second glance told Yamapi that only TTUN were in the dressing room. "Er, where's Jin and Kame?"
Junno stuck his head out from the tangle of limbs and heads on the ground. "Hiya, Ryopi!" he chirped. ("Ryopi?" Ryo muttered. Yamapi shook his head. "I don't even want to know.")
Ueda rolled his eyes. "Oh, it's you, Yamashita, Nishikido."
"...What are you doing?" Ryo asked, staring down at the the laptop in front of the dogpile.
Ueda's sinister smile, that, despite him being smushed under his bandmates with only his head sticking out, managed to send Yamapi scrambling to hide behind Ryo.
Junno beamed. "We're watching Jin stalk Kame and his date!"
*
Over his headphones, Jin heard a muffled scream and hisses of "Shut up! It's still turned on!"
*
"...Does Jin know about this?" Yamapi questioned tentatively, afraid to induce Ueda's wrath.
"He doesn't need to know."
"How did you manage to get it live, princess?"
"I have my connections, midget."
"Oh?"
*
Yabu Kota cursed the scary-sadistic-vampire senpai that was in the same band as his idiotic-but-awesome senpai for the dozenth time as he carefully balanced his videocamera in his hands, ducking under his table everytime said awesome senpai or the workaholic-turtle-pear senpai looked his way.
*
"...You are cruel."
"Shut up and watch."
*
"Jin. Why in the world are you wearing a dress?" Kame demanded incredulously.
"I do not know this Jin you are speaking of," Jin said in an extremely high voice, throwing in a horribly fake American accent for good measure. "My name is, um, Jinnifer, um, Redwest and, um," his earphones were emmitting strange noises; it sounded like someone was repeatedly bashing their head against a hard surface. "What would you like to order?"
Giving Jin one last suspicious look, Kame turned towards his date questioningly.
“Hmmm…” the girl hummed, eyes scanning the menu. "Wo xiang, yi ge yu xiang qie zi he ma po dou fu jiu gou le. Dui le, hai yao mi fan." She looked up to see the waitress staring at her like she had grown another head.
Kame sighed. "Number 8 and 17 along with some rice."
"O-okay, then," Jin scribbled a big 8 and 17 onto his notepad, then all but ran into the kitchen.
"Omigawd! Tat-chan, what do I do now?!" Jin wailed into his mouthpiece as soon as he closed the door.
"..."
"Tat-chan?"
"I'm sorry, your call has not gone through. Please hang up and do not dial again. Click."
"What the heck? That's what you say for a telephone! Hey wait! Ueda, you jerk!"
*
"I retract my previous statement. You have got to be the cruelest person to ever work for Johnny-sama."
"Why, thank you."
*
Jin took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, before taking the food Kame ordered to his table. "Here you go, enjoy your meal."
"Ah, Jin...Jinnifer-san, have we met before?" Kame squinted at him, eyes searching.
Oh crap. "I don't think so," Jin choked out. "I have only been in Japan for a couple of months, and, um, oh, is that the manager calling? Yeah, it is, er, coming!" Jin yelled in English, walking away as fast as he could before locking himself in the restroom.
Calm down, Jin, he thought hysterically, burying his head in his arms. He didn't find out who you are, calm down...
Nevertheless, he stayed away from his bandmate for the rest of their meal.
*
"What is that idiot doing?" Ueda raged, beating at the floor with his fists. "Okay, that's it!" He flicked his earphones back on and was about to give Jin a good verbal lashing when it was plucked from fingers. "Oi!"
Ryo smirked down at him. "Fat Jin, can you hear me?"
"Huh, Ryo-chan?"
"Get your goddamn ass over to Kamenashi before he leaves because if you come over at two in the morning again complaining about your nonexistent love life that I don't give a flying shit about I will rip out your fucking spleen and make you eat it. Got it?"
A gulp, then a weak "got it."
Ryo turned the earphones off and carelessly tossed them in the trash. "That, is how you verbally abuse Akanishi; what you were going to say won't even faze him. Do well to learn from the master, you fish-lipped Gackt fanboying fairy-princess."
"Why you-"
"So, he's finally going to make a move on Kame?"
"Ah, watch out for the wrapper...Bakanishi."
"Ouch. Poor Kamenashi. Fat Jin must be heavy."
"How did he manage to slip on a cookie wrapper?"
"Kamenashi's pissed."
"He's really pushing his luck. It's a pun, get it? He's pushing his luck, the fortune cookies...eh, never mind."
"Run, Jin, run!"
"Oh no, Kame caught up."
"What is he doing?"
"Don't do it, don't do it...he did it."
"Um."
"Ew."
"Mou, don't they have any shame?"
"Akanishi! Get a room! No one wants to see your fat ass and that anorexic boyfriend of yours getting it on!"
"Um, Ryo-chan, they can't hear you."
"Johnny-sama won't like this."
*
"Nng, Kame," Jin gasped into Kame's ear. "I get the feeling we're being watched."
"We're in public, idiot," Kame swiped his tongue across Jin's collarbone, smirking in satisfaction at the strangled moan the taller one emitted.
"What do you say to continuing this at my place?" Jin whispered breathlessly. Kame laced their fingers together and pulled him towards a cab.
"Thought you'd never ask."
*
"...Okay, that's got to be the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen."
"What happened to Kamenashi's date?"
A tall girl with smudged make-up and messy hair suddenly stomped in. "Ueda-senpai, thanks to you I'm scarred for life 'cause I had to wear a dress and flirt with Kamenashi-senpai and I hope Johnny-sama fires you and you have to live the rest of your life as a hobo-"
"Breathe."
"-And now I have to go comfort Yabu-kun since he's scarred too and if this hadn't been for a greater cause like you said I will burn your Gackt posters." Saying this, she pulled off her hair and chucked her high heels in the general direction of Ueda, then stormed out.
Nakamaru blinked. "Was that just Yuto-kun? Nakajima Yuto?"
Koki laughed. "So you set Kame up with a guy dressed as a girl so the other crossdresser will get jealous and jump him, even though neither party knows about the part you've played in all of this?"
Ueda ignored him and took the disk he ejected from his laptop.
"Is that...?" Junno was afraid to finish his sentence.
"I'm sure the fangirls will enjoy this very much."
*
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot
Summary: Jin will do anything to keep an eye on Kame, but he should've known that going to Ueda for help was a bad idea.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife," were the first words out of Akanishi Jin's mouth when he came into the dressing room that morning.
Koki blinked, nonplussed. "What the hell?"
Jin shrugged, making his way towards the couch. "It was a line in some English book I read." He chose to ignore the murmurs of, "English? He can barely read Japanese," and "is this from the same person who thought kurama ebi in English was car shrimp?"
He flopped down and glanced around. "Where's Kame?"
Ueda looked up from his laptop. "He said something about the manager calling him in with information about the photoshoot. He should be back any minute now."
Jin grinned. "Perfect!" He beckoned his bandmates to come closer and whispered conspiratorially, "I think Kame's gay."
A cough. Then a snicker, and the whole room exploded in hysterics.
"There's no chance of Kame being gay, Jin," Koki said when he calmed down. "He and I did so much near-kissing fanservice that if he was, he would've jumped me by now."
"As if, like his standards are so low that he'll consider you, when I'm ten times sexier than you are," Jin remarked snidely, feeling particularly vindictive at the thought of Kame choosing Koki instead of him.
Nakamaru hastily stepped in before blows could be exchanged. "How do you know if Kame's, er, gay?"
"He hasn't even looked at all those fangirls hurling themselves at him!"
"...And?"
"Well, see, that's just it. I don't have any evidence." Jin admitted sheepishly, then added, "But I have a plan to find out! I'm going to set him up with a guy from NewS or Arashi or something, and we can pretend to be ninjas and spy on them and it's gonna be fun because it's a great plan and don't even think about laughing at me or calling me stupid unless you want to be chopped into little bits and fed to Kame's dog."
"What about Ran-chan?"
"Oh, nothing, just that if they mock me they..." Jin trailed off when he realized who he was talking to. "Um..."
Kame gazed back at him, an elegant eyebrow raised.
"...She gets to eat them?" he finished weakly.
"Eat? I don't even want to know why-"
"Ah, what about that photoshoot?" Jin interrupted, praying that the mention of work would distract Kame from what he had just heard.
"The photoshoot's scheduled for Tuesday next week." His raised brow told Jin that his pathetic attempt hadn't fooled him.
"...And we don't have anything to do today! Why don't we go to a club? It'll be fun, ne?"
Kame stared at him blankly and shook his head. "Can't. I have a date tonight."
"A...a date?" Jin gasped and fanned himself, feeling faint. "With a girl?"
"Did you expect it to be a boy?"
An awkward silence.
"Don't answer that."
"Great," Jin forced a smile and tried to ignore the twinge of jealousy. "Where are you going?"
"To that Chinese restaurant next to your apartment. Why?"
"No reason," Jin mumbled, a plan hatching in his mind. "No reason at all."
*
"No! Absolutely not!"
"C'mon, Jin," Ueda coaxed, waving a waitress uniform at the cowering form.
"Get that thing away from me!" Jin shrieked, arms flailing wildly. "Why the hell can't you wear it? You look more like a girl than I ever will!"
Nakamaru sighed. "I don't see why you're making such a big fuss over this, Jin. You didn't have a problem with it at all when Johnny-sama asked you to."
"Who in their right mind would refuse Johnny-sama?"
"Well, glad to know you don't really have an interest in crossdressing," Koki muttered. "Now get into the dress before we force it on you."
"Who came up with this stupid idea anyway?"
"You did, smart one."
...
"Here," Ueda thrust a pair of earphones at Jin after he put the uniform on. "Just in case you need help."
Jin's eyes teared up, and he hurled himself on his smaller bandmate. "Oh, Tat-chan! I knew you cared!"
"Gah, get him off!"
*
"Are you ever going to tell him that we're watching on him spy on Kame from your laptop?"
"Do I look like I have a death wish?"
*
Getting a job at the restaurant was easy enough; the manager's wife was a big fan of KAT-TUN, so when Jin explained his situation (i.e. begged) she immediately agreed, granted that Jin and Kame could, ah, put on a small show for her family afterward - her daughters were also fangirls.
("Y'know," Koki commented. "This AkaKame thing is getting old. Now KoKame, on the other hand...)
When he was done with getting dressed, he rushed out of the restroom just in time to see Kame and his date getting seated at a table. Jin walked over, wobbling slightly (he still wasn't used to heels), cleared his throat, and tried to ignore the curious look Kame was giving him.
"Hello, welcome to Lao Si Chuan, I'll be your server tonight. Are you ready to order?"
*
"Hey, KAT-TUN," a second glance told Yamapi that only TTUN were in the dressing room. "Er, where's Jin and Kame?"
Junno stuck his head out from the tangle of limbs and heads on the ground. "Hiya, Ryopi!" he chirped. ("Ryopi?" Ryo muttered. Yamapi shook his head. "I don't even want to know.")
Ueda rolled his eyes. "Oh, it's you, Yamashita, Nishikido."
"...What are you doing?" Ryo asked, staring down at the the laptop in front of the dogpile.
Ueda's sinister smile, that, despite him being smushed under his bandmates with only his head sticking out, managed to send Yamapi scrambling to hide behind Ryo.
Junno beamed. "We're watching Jin stalk Kame and his date!"
*
Over his headphones, Jin heard a muffled scream and hisses of "Shut up! It's still turned on!"
*
"...Does Jin know about this?" Yamapi questioned tentatively, afraid to induce Ueda's wrath.
"He doesn't need to know."
"How did you manage to get it live, princess?"
"I have my connections, midget."
"Oh?"
*
Yabu Kota cursed the scary-sadistic-vampire senpai that was in the same band as his idiotic-but-awesome senpai for the dozenth time as he carefully balanced his videocamera in his hands, ducking under his table everytime said awesome senpai or the workaholic-turtle-pear senpai looked his way.
*
"...You are cruel."
"Shut up and watch."
*
"Jin. Why in the world are you wearing a dress?" Kame demanded incredulously.
"I do not know this Jin you are speaking of," Jin said in an extremely high voice, throwing in a horribly fake American accent for good measure. "My name is, um, Jinnifer, um, Redwest and, um," his earphones were emmitting strange noises; it sounded like someone was repeatedly bashing their head against a hard surface. "What would you like to order?"
Giving Jin one last suspicious look, Kame turned towards his date questioningly.
“Hmmm…” the girl hummed, eyes scanning the menu. "Wo xiang, yi ge yu xiang qie zi he ma po dou fu jiu gou le. Dui le, hai yao mi fan." She looked up to see the waitress staring at her like she had grown another head.
Kame sighed. "Number 8 and 17 along with some rice."
"O-okay, then," Jin scribbled a big 8 and 17 onto his notepad, then all but ran into the kitchen.
"Omigawd! Tat-chan, what do I do now?!" Jin wailed into his mouthpiece as soon as he closed the door.
"..."
"Tat-chan?"
"I'm sorry, your call has not gone through. Please hang up and do not dial again. Click."
"What the heck? That's what you say for a telephone! Hey wait! Ueda, you jerk!"
*
"I retract my previous statement. You have got to be the cruelest person to ever work for Johnny-sama."
"Why, thank you."
*
Jin took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, before taking the food Kame ordered to his table. "Here you go, enjoy your meal."
"Ah, Jin...Jinnifer-san, have we met before?" Kame squinted at him, eyes searching.
Oh crap. "I don't think so," Jin choked out. "I have only been in Japan for a couple of months, and, um, oh, is that the manager calling? Yeah, it is, er, coming!" Jin yelled in English, walking away as fast as he could before locking himself in the restroom.
Calm down, Jin, he thought hysterically, burying his head in his arms. He didn't find out who you are, calm down...
Nevertheless, he stayed away from his bandmate for the rest of their meal.
*
"What is that idiot doing?" Ueda raged, beating at the floor with his fists. "Okay, that's it!" He flicked his earphones back on and was about to give Jin a good verbal lashing when it was plucked from fingers. "Oi!"
Ryo smirked down at him. "Fat Jin, can you hear me?"
"Huh, Ryo-chan?"
"Get your goddamn ass over to Kamenashi before he leaves because if you come over at two in the morning again complaining about your nonexistent love life that I don't give a flying shit about I will rip out your fucking spleen and make you eat it. Got it?"
A gulp, then a weak "got it."
Ryo turned the earphones off and carelessly tossed them in the trash. "That, is how you verbally abuse Akanishi; what you were going to say won't even faze him. Do well to learn from the master, you fish-lipped Gackt fanboying fairy-princess."
"Why you-"
"So, he's finally going to make a move on Kame?"
"Ah, watch out for the wrapper...Bakanishi."
"Ouch. Poor Kamenashi. Fat Jin must be heavy."
"How did he manage to slip on a cookie wrapper?"
"Kamenashi's pissed."
"He's really pushing his luck. It's a pun, get it? He's pushing his luck, the fortune cookies...eh, never mind."
"Run, Jin, run!"
"Oh no, Kame caught up."
"What is he doing?"
"Don't do it, don't do it...he did it."
"Um."
"Ew."
"Mou, don't they have any shame?"
"Akanishi! Get a room! No one wants to see your fat ass and that anorexic boyfriend of yours getting it on!"
"Um, Ryo-chan, they can't hear you."
"Johnny-sama won't like this."
*
"Nng, Kame," Jin gasped into Kame's ear. "I get the feeling we're being watched."
"We're in public, idiot," Kame swiped his tongue across Jin's collarbone, smirking in satisfaction at the strangled moan the taller one emitted.
"What do you say to continuing this at my place?" Jin whispered breathlessly. Kame laced their fingers together and pulled him towards a cab.
"Thought you'd never ask."
*
"...Okay, that's got to be the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen."
"What happened to Kamenashi's date?"
A tall girl with smudged make-up and messy hair suddenly stomped in. "Ueda-senpai, thanks to you I'm scarred for life 'cause I had to wear a dress and flirt with Kamenashi-senpai and I hope Johnny-sama fires you and you have to live the rest of your life as a hobo-"
"Breathe."
"-And now I have to go comfort Yabu-kun since he's scarred too and if this hadn't been for a greater cause like you said I will burn your Gackt posters." Saying this, she pulled off her hair and chucked her high heels in the general direction of Ueda, then stormed out.
Nakamaru blinked. "Was that just Yuto-kun? Nakajima Yuto?"
Koki laughed. "So you set Kame up with a guy dressed as a girl so the other crossdresser will get jealous and jump him, even though neither party knows about the part you've played in all of this?"
Ueda ignored him and took the disk he ejected from his laptop.
"Is that...?" Junno was afraid to finish his sentence.
"I'm sure the fangirls will enjoy this very much."
*