Some things are not meant for twitter
Original tweet: Theory: there are two types of relationships screwups: blips in an otherwise good relationship, and vindications of a bad relationship.
When I was discussing it in chat, I actually said: Because there are two types of relationship screwups: those that are an aberration in an otherwise good relationship, and those that are a vindication of a bad relationship.
The context was whether one party had committed an error worth breaking off a relationship for. The interesting part is not the error itself, as those depend on dependencies, but rather the context the error occurs and is handled in.
Taking myself for an example.... I totally failed this year's anniversary. No excuses. I didn't get a present, I didn't plan for it, hell, I'm not sure I remembered to wear sexy underwear. That is a screwup. Because silmarian and I have a generally good relationship, where we are not looking to find fault, he did not consider this grounds for dismissal. My mistake was read as a deviation from what we see as our relationship norm (pretty damn good).
In counterpoint, I have had relationships where that kind of error would be further proof of our incompatibility, my unfitness to date the person, or my general unworthiness. Because the relationship assumption was already in bad shape, every further error only adds to that debt.
Of course, relationships do not always stay in one category or another. You could be in what you think is a relationship that is awesomesauce, but after a year you realize that the errors are increasing in frequency and severity, and did he just say that about your mother? You get to a place where the norm flips, and at that point, you are in serious trouble on continuning the relationship and maybe you think that seems ok, because every time the other party screws up, it's further proof that this is not going to work out.
vito_excalibur asked in twitter: wait are you saying when something good happens in a bad relationship, that's a screwup?
My answer is "not exactly". It's not a screwup, but it is a blip, and aberration. Sure, you got a birthday card THIS year, but mostly the other party is an inconsiderate jerk, right? So until the positive actions tip the relationship, it's not a screwup, but it is statistical noise, because it does not fit in with your internal narrative of the inconsiderate so-and-so.
When I was discussing it in chat, I actually said: Because there are two types of relationship screwups: those that are an aberration in an otherwise good relationship, and those that are a vindication of a bad relationship.
The context was whether one party had committed an error worth breaking off a relationship for. The interesting part is not the error itself, as those depend on dependencies, but rather the context the error occurs and is handled in.
Taking myself for an example.... I totally failed this year's anniversary. No excuses. I didn't get a present, I didn't plan for it, hell, I'm not sure I remembered to wear sexy underwear. That is a screwup. Because silmarian and I have a generally good relationship, where we are not looking to find fault, he did not consider this grounds for dismissal. My mistake was read as a deviation from what we see as our relationship norm (pretty damn good).
In counterpoint, I have had relationships where that kind of error would be further proof of our incompatibility, my unfitness to date the person, or my general unworthiness. Because the relationship assumption was already in bad shape, every further error only adds to that debt.
Of course, relationships do not always stay in one category or another. You could be in what you think is a relationship that is awesomesauce, but after a year you realize that the errors are increasing in frequency and severity, and did he just say that about your mother? You get to a place where the norm flips, and at that point, you are in serious trouble on continuning the relationship and maybe you think that seems ok, because every time the other party screws up, it's further proof that this is not going to work out.
vito_excalibur asked in twitter: wait are you saying when something good happens in a bad relationship, that's a screwup?
My answer is "not exactly". It's not a screwup, but it is a blip, and aberration. Sure, you got a birthday card THIS year, but mostly the other party is an inconsiderate jerk, right? So until the positive actions tip the relationship, it's not a screwup, but it is statistical noise, because it does not fit in with your internal narrative of the inconsiderate so-and-so.