The Care and Feeding of Me
Meme ransacked from fahye
1. How can I tell if you're angry?
As the most unhelpful of first points -- you won't. I do an exceedingly good job of not-becoming-angry, a wonderful (and I say that word with sarcastic irony to it) deeply trained trait of my child because of ability for emotions to overwhelm the ADHD. Anger especially. There were too many points it controlled me, previous to being even ten, to a beyond violent point that I still carry lingering shame for the memories of, until I controlled it to the point of near smothering.
In the account of times when you can though. I get very quiet and laconic, and you need to assume very quickly that anger is manifesting itself not as anger itself but as confusion, insult, avoidance and possibly deepening by the minute hurt. This can be confusing as I also simply go through quiet periods of time that have nothing to do with anger.
Deep silence though. And perhaps, in all best terms of directness, asking me if I am angry.
2. How should I behave around you if you're angry?
I suggest small periods of allowing headspace to cool, but that you do not leave me alone long or the space will simple continue to grow and I will cling to its safety and lack of angry/insulting/hurting stimuli. I appreciate clear communication, with "I" statements and honesty, that lack passive aggressiveness, guilt mongering, whining or apologies which are not apologies.
I can usually force myself to talk like a rational being, or by this point will know if I need to ask you leave me alone for longer. (And I will add that if the problem is too deep as this point, and I think, as situation not too long ago displayed, that if I think you will not listen to me or hear me if I try to speak, that I will debate the choice not to speak at all.)
I like to work things out myself, and unless you are the person involved, you are likely never to notice there is a problem (unless you are four or so specific people who know who they are). This is because I keep my volatile emotions personal. And, yes, I considered locked posts here personally even if you are on filters read them. It means I trust you, but it does mean I will not always respond (even as I am grateful for the support you've shown).
If you are the said person, and I have expressed the notion "Something Is Deeply Wrong Here," be adult enough to engage that message or to tell me that you need more time. Do not take forever, even if I can be as someone put it this weekend 'an exceedingly patient person.' Even just acknowledging, with related commentary of needing to take care of yourself first, is helpful.
3. How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? How is it best to comfort you?
This is a highly, highly complicated topic. Almost more than anger. Whereas anger almost is smothered in inception, grief and hurt are things I've been learning to come to terms more in the last ten years with learning to let myself cry again. I am exceedingly bad with being hurt, and even worse at letting people in when I am hurting, even when I am vastly aware how willing to help my network of friends and family are.
I do not cry in front of people, except in RCG, where it feels almost like a cheat because there is a rule wherein no one will touch even if you are you unless you ask for (because we do a lot of deep work, and the rule is based on meeting everyone's individual needs). [There is a serious chance you may never see me cry, outside of a sappy movie or a song that reminds me of my sister. I think one of the first times my last boy friend did was the day I broke up with him two years later.]
It can depend deeply on who you are and why I am hurting. I will again become very quiet, almost recalcitrantly so. I am deeply bad, at asking for help, and get very easily further embarrassed when I am chided for not asking later. Which is mixed in hard with feeling I should be able to handle everything in a self-sufficient, not requiring of anyone else's time and space and being a burden things. I will usually allow anyone to hug me, and my reactions therein will depend on the severity of the hurt. Whether I hug you back, or choose a complicated road of either allowing you to hold me or simply standing there to wait for you to finish touching me.
Time is a good one here. As is my bed. And chatter, with small detours into commentary, which let me know you are willing to speak on the topic but you are not going to pry my pain out of me by any forcible means as thought I was a shell on the beach which you could manipulate to open and pull the pain from like a pearl.
With the people who are Those People, it frequently rears into existence of a "Notice I Need You" when I come sit by them or curl up next to them suddenly, and just lean my head against them, without provocation or words and just stay. Severe distress of any emotional depth will leave me nye on unable to coherently form sentences without grand amounts of patience on their part. And it will come in the smallest number of words in a sentence possible.
And if it has reached this point, usually the message is, I need someone to see and to hold me, even if they can't make it better and even if it is only my hand. To be touched and heard, even when I say nothing. To be seen. The need to hear that person's voice, saying anything, everything. Just to be seen and to be shown I am not alone. I wish you all the luck with the subtlest of clues beyond this point.
But then, there's several related reasons the four of them are this close to me.
The catch-22 related to this, as well. If you are hurting at the same time I am hurting, even if you are one of these people (maybe even especially if), I will do my damnedest to try not to either smother my pain because I need you or trust you, while at the same time almost ignoring it where I can to try not to hurt them more, or to see to them and helping you to feel better or heard or seen. .....for I am a confusing little thing.
4. Are there things we should not discuss?
Not really. I am willing to talk about anything, because I do love to discuss things which are both of the agreement to my life and in direct opposition. I love discussions of all accords.
Of course, there are trigger topics. Whole scores and cd's of music that evoke memories, some of them as clear as had the happened seconds ago. Porn, and rape, and both Rape Culture and Over Sexualized American Society. DH Lawrence's Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Being abandoned. Abused. Hospitals and medical care pretty much in total. Threats of suicide. Talk about insanity and those who have gone insane. Willfully aware mistreating of anyone or anything on this planet. Insinuations about my sense of humor.
I will talk about all of these things, and worse, but I will hazard that you tread carefully and expect more direct to raw sources responses.
5. How should I treat you when you are ill?
I am insanely easy to deal with when I am ill. The comment that will follow me around for life, from my boss when I worked in the comic store, is that when I feel ill I revert almost instantly to being "a twelve year old, with a chest." I will become sad and mopey and frustratedly cranky, but rarely does this come out as negative at anyone else. It's more like a cuddle up to person or pillow, child-shaped sulky.
I will accept soup and care and hugs. And much with the petting of my hair or my skin, and soft music. I do not cry when I am sick but I will sleep a whole lot. I will be sulky and there will be a plethora of gratitude’s heaped upon your name and the glory of your existence, even if I make faces about needing to be taken care of.
The ONLY exception to this is my migraines. And I mean this with all the love and the care in the world, unless I approach you or I make you aware it is okay that you and your ministrations or presence is welcome. Go. The. Hell. Away. This is the only time in the world I spend under my blankets holding my breath praying not to breathe so the pain of moving will not continue. I will have no ability to convey my pain or my lack of filter to you.
And then I will lay in bed trying not to breathe and feeling like the most horrible person in the world because I could not stop what is going on to be a better person to you and I will kick myself repeatedly, while this is all going on as well. And then, once it is over, I will spend days feeling the need to tiptoe around you as though I had literally attacked you.
6. What makes you happy that's in my power to grant you?
Love. Honesty. Integrity. Respect. Laughter. Trust. Magic.
Rec me fics. Send me files and links that make you smile. Recommend your favorites books and musicians to me. Talk to me about art, and about religion. Tell me about your childhood or the thing you drove past this morning. Bear with the fact the contingent of red-headed telepaths will never end, nor will my obsessive collecting of icons or things which smell good. Being dependable. Being spontaneous.
Oh, play with my hair. I will turn into a cat and never move ever again.
I love surprises beyond my ability to even spell it out to anyone in my life.
I love to get them and I am beyond giddy at the chance to do them for others.
7. How would you like us to recognize your birthday?
Celebrations are a go. I love to gather the people's, go the restaurant, arrange for some kind of mass outing. Three years ago it was the Korean Acrobats. Last year’s sparkle_ways all got online and watched Twilight with me, from the cracked out, ass backwards American time to my Korean morning, so we could mock it together on my day. This year it was a big screen showing of The Last Unicorn with the author of the book, Peter Beagle.
I love things to celebrate that make me happy, and I love sharing the arts that make me happy.
If you are distant, plan an internet thing! Or send me even a free lj-gift, or even just an e-mail or a comment or text or aim saying felicitations. I will be bouncing and smiling for hours. Just the fact that you remembered will make me a little giddy bouncing mess.
8. Are there any standing categories of presents that would be appropriate or unwelcome?
I love presents. I continue to point out I have thirty fives pages of Amazon wish lists (yes, plural, broken down by category) that you are encouraged to go through and pick up all the used books at like ten and fifteen cents and one dollar plus shipping. I do this all year. I will do this with the Amazon gift card you give me. Go to, without shame.
I did it this year with my $100 dollars of amassed certificates and bought some fifteen books used.
I love hand me downs, and recipes, and scarves, and anything and everything religious related. I like arts, movies, to be sent hand written cards and letters. I am slowly amassing an overwhelming assortment of jewelry, and kind of shyly in love with it. Dangly earrings are still a high plus. Bracelets are moving into that arena. As are pendants to hang from my short chain. Things which are soft and silky and blue are never to not find a home. Or high tech nerdy toys.
(....and certain ones of you are allowed to sparkle on my life, because you are special.)
I am trying to think of inappropriate gifts and coming up with next to nothing. Well, aside from. Do not buy me teh sexy things. Clothes. Toys. Etc. Even if I would wear it for you and try it on for you, and I would love it's color and texture to the end of the Earth. There is a place and a time for things of this nature. It is not my birthday, Christmas, or an anniversary. And it is the fastest way to ensure I will never, ever, ever put it on.
9. Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? Please explain if you are comfortable.
My sisters birthday is April 15, and the day she died is October 18, which is also my Father's birthday. These days will always be outstanding in my life, even on the ones when they are not hard. Music will be different on them and I will sometimes write her a letter. December 22 is when Phoenix died. Even as one of my favorite holidays in a year, that will always be a part of my life, too.
I am a little sulky in winter. This is owed to the fact I am the first Southerner born to my family, and as such was raised on Northerner winters by my mother and her family, with the snow and skiing and etc. And the lack of these things and anything family related in the winter always makes me a little prickly, or depressed, sometimes. (I expect the coming one will be much so of this after five months of snow last winter and two the previous one, both in Seoul.)
10. Are there important anniversaries in your life?
Um. See above?
11. How do I cater for you if you are visiting me?
Understand that I am attached at the hand and lap to my computer and internet access is god. That tea and milk are beyond beautiful things in my little world. That I am horribly allergic to cats and by this warning I mean that I will bury my face into them at any turn, for they are made of beautiful, and sometimes just reminding me to take medicine when I wake up, as I will inevitably be distracted and forget, and the reminder will save all of us.
Allow me wander through your world, knowing I want to see you in your smallest things, and might open things but if you tell me not to I will respect things I cannot turn and touch. Understand that there will be bouts of silence, staring out windows and at walls, and maybe even your shoulder, or for reading or writing, when I am pretty much unavailable for discussions, even if you can hear me singing under my breath for half an hour of it.
I promise I will return in search of company and your smile eventually.
Also. That whole thing where I go to bed at wee am and wake up like four-five hours later? Totally normal. Do not freak please.
Oh. Yes. And because someone will comment and say it if I don't. There is sort of this disconnect between my mind and my stomach. Unless it has been far more than a day the words "I am hungry, take me to your foods" will never even be a consideration. Even if it makes silly noises at me. So. Um. Yes. You may have to prod me and remind me that food is good and water will stave off headaches in high sun. Especially if I am distracted. By anything. Even dust motes floating in sunshine.
12. If I want to contact you, how should I do it?
I begin to facepalm at this question already. I am bad with the contacts, and I am still coming back to being anything near a social being. Even one you can reach out and talk to one on one. So I will cover what I can in the hopes and ask you be lenient with the fact I'm still defining this category and figuring it out for myself.
Email, whether this at my Gmail or LJ Comment/Messaging. I am not actually too terrible with the text messaging if you have my phone number.
Just to clarify. The whole vague social pyrexia thing. When you aim me and start with "Hello. It's been forever since we've talked, hasn't it?" and you don't include a name. Do expect I am having a mini-panic attack at your aim box and try to figure out who you are and whether you are among the like eight people who could deconstruct my calm to shards in less than ten minutes. Please come with a name?
I read things pretty much the moment they arrive. Then I get distracted. And it takes me forever to even remember there was something, then I get guilty about how long it took and so it may take me even longer to write again. And, no, you may think I do, but I really don't read my facebook almost ever.
If you really desperately must find me and I am of the Completely Invisible and Unfindable, the persons most likely to know are Earl (emeryll) and Steph (neenie). And while this may not mean you find me immediately, they will probably tell me of your plight some four minutes after you tell them.
And they will prod ask me later to make sure I found my way to you.
1. How can I tell if you're angry?
As the most unhelpful of first points -- you won't. I do an exceedingly good job of not-becoming-angry, a wonderful (and I say that word with sarcastic irony to it) deeply trained trait of my child because of ability for emotions to overwhelm the ADHD. Anger especially. There were too many points it controlled me, previous to being even ten, to a beyond violent point that I still carry lingering shame for the memories of, until I controlled it to the point of near smothering.
In the account of times when you can though. I get very quiet and laconic, and you need to assume very quickly that anger is manifesting itself not as anger itself but as confusion, insult, avoidance and possibly deepening by the minute hurt. This can be confusing as I also simply go through quiet periods of time that have nothing to do with anger.
Deep silence though. And perhaps, in all best terms of directness, asking me if I am angry.
2. How should I behave around you if you're angry?
I suggest small periods of allowing headspace to cool, but that you do not leave me alone long or the space will simple continue to grow and I will cling to its safety and lack of angry/insulting/hurting stimuli. I appreciate clear communication, with "I" statements and honesty, that lack passive aggressiveness, guilt mongering, whining or apologies which are not apologies.
I can usually force myself to talk like a rational being, or by this point will know if I need to ask you leave me alone for longer. (And I will add that if the problem is too deep as this point, and I think, as situation not too long ago displayed, that if I think you will not listen to me or hear me if I try to speak, that I will debate the choice not to speak at all.)
I like to work things out myself, and unless you are the person involved, you are likely never to notice there is a problem (unless you are four or so specific people who know who they are). This is because I keep my volatile emotions personal. And, yes, I considered locked posts here personally even if you are on filters read them. It means I trust you, but it does mean I will not always respond (even as I am grateful for the support you've shown).
If you are the said person, and I have expressed the notion "Something Is Deeply Wrong Here," be adult enough to engage that message or to tell me that you need more time. Do not take forever, even if I can be as someone put it this weekend 'an exceedingly patient person.' Even just acknowledging, with related commentary of needing to take care of yourself first, is helpful.
3. How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? How is it best to comfort you?
This is a highly, highly complicated topic. Almost more than anger. Whereas anger almost is smothered in inception, grief and hurt are things I've been learning to come to terms more in the last ten years with learning to let myself cry again. I am exceedingly bad with being hurt, and even worse at letting people in when I am hurting, even when I am vastly aware how willing to help my network of friends and family are.
I do not cry in front of people, except in RCG, where it feels almost like a cheat because there is a rule wherein no one will touch even if you are you unless you ask for (because we do a lot of deep work, and the rule is based on meeting everyone's individual needs). [There is a serious chance you may never see me cry, outside of a sappy movie or a song that reminds me of my sister. I think one of the first times my last boy friend did was the day I broke up with him two years later.]
It can depend deeply on who you are and why I am hurting. I will again become very quiet, almost recalcitrantly so. I am deeply bad, at asking for help, and get very easily further embarrassed when I am chided for not asking later. Which is mixed in hard with feeling I should be able to handle everything in a self-sufficient, not requiring of anyone else's time and space and being a burden things. I will usually allow anyone to hug me, and my reactions therein will depend on the severity of the hurt. Whether I hug you back, or choose a complicated road of either allowing you to hold me or simply standing there to wait for you to finish touching me.
Time is a good one here. As is my bed. And chatter, with small detours into commentary, which let me know you are willing to speak on the topic but you are not going to pry my pain out of me by any forcible means as thought I was a shell on the beach which you could manipulate to open and pull the pain from like a pearl.
With the people who are Those People, it frequently rears into existence of a "Notice I Need You" when I come sit by them or curl up next to them suddenly, and just lean my head against them, without provocation or words and just stay. Severe distress of any emotional depth will leave me nye on unable to coherently form sentences without grand amounts of patience on their part. And it will come in the smallest number of words in a sentence possible.
And if it has reached this point, usually the message is, I need someone to see and to hold me, even if they can't make it better and even if it is only my hand. To be touched and heard, even when I say nothing. To be seen. The need to hear that person's voice, saying anything, everything. Just to be seen and to be shown I am not alone. I wish you all the luck with the subtlest of clues beyond this point.
But then, there's several related reasons the four of them are this close to me.
The catch-22 related to this, as well. If you are hurting at the same time I am hurting, even if you are one of these people (maybe even especially if), I will do my damnedest to try not to either smother my pain because I need you or trust you, while at the same time almost ignoring it where I can to try not to hurt them more, or to see to them and helping you to feel better or heard or seen. .....for I am a confusing little thing.
4. Are there things we should not discuss?
Not really. I am willing to talk about anything, because I do love to discuss things which are both of the agreement to my life and in direct opposition. I love discussions of all accords.
Of course, there are trigger topics. Whole scores and cd's of music that evoke memories, some of them as clear as had the happened seconds ago. Porn, and rape, and both Rape Culture and Over Sexualized American Society. DH Lawrence's Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Being abandoned. Abused. Hospitals and medical care pretty much in total. Threats of suicide. Talk about insanity and those who have gone insane. Willfully aware mistreating of anyone or anything on this planet. Insinuations about my sense of humor.
I will talk about all of these things, and worse, but I will hazard that you tread carefully and expect more direct to raw sources responses.
5. How should I treat you when you are ill?
I am insanely easy to deal with when I am ill. The comment that will follow me around for life, from my boss when I worked in the comic store, is that when I feel ill I revert almost instantly to being "a twelve year old, with a chest." I will become sad and mopey and frustratedly cranky, but rarely does this come out as negative at anyone else. It's more like a cuddle up to person or pillow, child-shaped sulky.
I will accept soup and care and hugs. And much with the petting of my hair or my skin, and soft music. I do not cry when I am sick but I will sleep a whole lot. I will be sulky and there will be a plethora of gratitude’s heaped upon your name and the glory of your existence, even if I make faces about needing to be taken care of.
The ONLY exception to this is my migraines. And I mean this with all the love and the care in the world, unless I approach you or I make you aware it is okay that you and your ministrations or presence is welcome. Go. The. Hell. Away. This is the only time in the world I spend under my blankets holding my breath praying not to breathe so the pain of moving will not continue. I will have no ability to convey my pain or my lack of filter to you.
And then I will lay in bed trying not to breathe and feeling like the most horrible person in the world because I could not stop what is going on to be a better person to you and I will kick myself repeatedly, while this is all going on as well. And then, once it is over, I will spend days feeling the need to tiptoe around you as though I had literally attacked you.
6. What makes you happy that's in my power to grant you?
Love. Honesty. Integrity. Respect. Laughter. Trust. Magic.
Rec me fics. Send me files and links that make you smile. Recommend your favorites books and musicians to me. Talk to me about art, and about religion. Tell me about your childhood or the thing you drove past this morning. Bear with the fact the contingent of red-headed telepaths will never end, nor will my obsessive collecting of icons or things which smell good. Being dependable. Being spontaneous.
Oh, play with my hair. I will turn into a cat and never move ever again.
I love surprises beyond my ability to even spell it out to anyone in my life.
I love to get them and I am beyond giddy at the chance to do them for others.
7. How would you like us to recognize your birthday?
Celebrations are a go. I love to gather the people's, go the restaurant, arrange for some kind of mass outing. Three years ago it was the Korean Acrobats. Last year’s sparkle_ways all got online and watched Twilight with me, from the cracked out, ass backwards American time to my Korean morning, so we could mock it together on my day. This year it was a big screen showing of The Last Unicorn with the author of the book, Peter Beagle.
I love things to celebrate that make me happy, and I love sharing the arts that make me happy.
If you are distant, plan an internet thing! Or send me even a free lj-gift, or even just an e-mail or a comment or text or aim saying felicitations. I will be bouncing and smiling for hours. Just the fact that you remembered will make me a little giddy bouncing mess.
8. Are there any standing categories of presents that would be appropriate or unwelcome?
I love presents. I continue to point out I have thirty fives pages of Amazon wish lists (yes, plural, broken down by category) that you are encouraged to go through and pick up all the used books at like ten and fifteen cents and one dollar plus shipping. I do this all year. I will do this with the Amazon gift card you give me. Go to, without shame.
I did it this year with my $100 dollars of amassed certificates and bought some fifteen books used.
I love hand me downs, and recipes, and scarves, and anything and everything religious related. I like arts, movies, to be sent hand written cards and letters. I am slowly amassing an overwhelming assortment of jewelry, and kind of shyly in love with it. Dangly earrings are still a high plus. Bracelets are moving into that arena. As are pendants to hang from my short chain. Things which are soft and silky and blue are never to not find a home. Or high tech nerdy toys.
(....and certain ones of you are allowed to sparkle on my life, because you are special.)
I am trying to think of inappropriate gifts and coming up with next to nothing. Well, aside from. Do not buy me teh sexy things. Clothes. Toys. Etc. Even if I would wear it for you and try it on for you, and I would love it's color and texture to the end of the Earth. There is a place and a time for things of this nature. It is not my birthday, Christmas, or an anniversary. And it is the fastest way to ensure I will never, ever, ever put it on.
9. Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? Please explain if you are comfortable.
My sisters birthday is April 15, and the day she died is October 18, which is also my Father's birthday. These days will always be outstanding in my life, even on the ones when they are not hard. Music will be different on them and I will sometimes write her a letter. December 22 is when Phoenix died. Even as one of my favorite holidays in a year, that will always be a part of my life, too.
I am a little sulky in winter. This is owed to the fact I am the first Southerner born to my family, and as such was raised on Northerner winters by my mother and her family, with the snow and skiing and etc. And the lack of these things and anything family related in the winter always makes me a little prickly, or depressed, sometimes. (I expect the coming one will be much so of this after five months of snow last winter and two the previous one, both in Seoul.)
10. Are there important anniversaries in your life?
Um. See above?
11. How do I cater for you if you are visiting me?
Understand that I am attached at the hand and lap to my computer and internet access is god. That tea and milk are beyond beautiful things in my little world. That I am horribly allergic to cats and by this warning I mean that I will bury my face into them at any turn, for they are made of beautiful, and sometimes just reminding me to take medicine when I wake up, as I will inevitably be distracted and forget, and the reminder will save all of us.
Allow me wander through your world, knowing I want to see you in your smallest things, and might open things but if you tell me not to I will respect things I cannot turn and touch. Understand that there will be bouts of silence, staring out windows and at walls, and maybe even your shoulder, or for reading or writing, when I am pretty much unavailable for discussions, even if you can hear me singing under my breath for half an hour of it.
I promise I will return in search of company and your smile eventually.
Also. That whole thing where I go to bed at wee am and wake up like four-five hours later? Totally normal. Do not freak please.
Oh. Yes. And because someone will comment and say it if I don't. There is sort of this disconnect between my mind and my stomach. Unless it has been far more than a day the words "I am hungry, take me to your foods" will never even be a consideration. Even if it makes silly noises at me. So. Um. Yes. You may have to prod me and remind me that food is good and water will stave off headaches in high sun. Especially if I am distracted. By anything. Even dust motes floating in sunshine.
12. If I want to contact you, how should I do it?
I begin to facepalm at this question already. I am bad with the contacts, and I am still coming back to being anything near a social being. Even one you can reach out and talk to one on one. So I will cover what I can in the hopes and ask you be lenient with the fact I'm still defining this category and figuring it out for myself.
Email, whether this at my Gmail or LJ Comment/Messaging. I am not actually too terrible with the text messaging if you have my phone number.
Just to clarify. The whole vague social pyrexia thing. When you aim me and start with "Hello. It's been forever since we've talked, hasn't it?" and you don't include a name. Do expect I am having a mini-panic attack at your aim box and try to figure out who you are and whether you are among the like eight people who could deconstruct my calm to shards in less than ten minutes. Please come with a name?
I read things pretty much the moment they arrive. Then I get distracted. And it takes me forever to even remember there was something, then I get guilty about how long it took and so it may take me even longer to write again. And, no, you may think I do, but I really don't read my facebook almost ever.
If you really desperately must find me and I am of the Completely Invisible and Unfindable, the persons most likely to know are Earl (emeryll) and Steph (neenie). And while this may not mean you find me immediately, they will probably tell me of your plight some four minutes after you tell them.
And they will prod ask me later to make sure I found my way to you.