Small Flames and Tiny Hopes
Title: Small Flames and Tiny Hopes
Author: walking_weapon and usofcalzona
Rating: G
Paring: Callie/Arizona
Summary: Some wounds never go away, they just hurt more on some days than others. But every once and a while the clouds clear off and you get a tiny glimpse of hope that lets you start to heal.
Some days hit Arizona Robbins like a ton of bricks. She knew they were coming, knew where they fell on the calendar year after year without change, and yet they still knocked her off of her feet each time. Tim's birthday hit her hardest for reasons that most understood. Memorial day followed that, always leading her to go to Washington DC and to Tim's grave in Arlington, along with her Grandfather's grave. Only 34 rows and 3 sections away. Veteran's Day followed that mostly because everyone was so happy usually while she was so sad.
So here she stood in a crowd in downtown Seattle, alone and yet surrounded by people, story of her life really. The area was dark except for the candles each person held, lit for a loved one that died in service to their country. She wanted to hold two but she needed her cane in her other hand because she had to walk so much that day. So she stood, tears in her eyes in a sea of people all alone.
"Momma, Momma look!" Sofia said excitedly as she toddled over to Arizona with a little plastic candle, it's fake flame lit by battery power. "Candle." She said proudly, excited to get to hold something she's usually told to stay away from. She reached Arizona and tugged at her pant leg to further get her attention, smiling up at her with all the innocence of a little girl just happy to see her Momma.
"Sofia?" Arizona turned away from the military band that was playing and down to her daughter. Today was Callie's day with Sofia, she had asked to change but Callie couldn't or wouldn't, she wasn't sure which. "What are you doing here baby?" She asked, bending down and trying not to wince as her fake leg dug into her a little bit. "Did Madre bring you here just for me?" She asked, giving her daughter the biggest hug she could without catching her on fire.
"Uh huh. She said you sad and I make it better." Sofia said, smiling lovingly at Arizona. She loves when both her moms are around and aren't all quiet and sad. She missed that. "See? All better." She said, leaning in for another hug and squeezing Arizona as tight as her little arms will allow.
"I know how hard today is for you so…here we are. We didn't have much planned tonight anyway." Callie said as she finally moved closer, a lit candle for George in her hand. She got a very teary call from Momma O'Mailey this morning which led to them meeting her at a park for a while, and seeing her so happy with Sofia, seeing how much she wished she had her son back to give just one more hug to, it really made her think. And that thinking led her here. "I hope this is ok? I mean I can go if you want, you can take her tonight."
"Stay, I want you to stay." Arizona stood up, hooking her cane to her jacket so her other hand was free. "Just forget about what I did for a few hours, ok? I need to hold your hand and to just not feel like a monster for a little while." She slipped her hand into Callie's and gave her a weak smile when Callie didn't pull her hand away or give her a dirty look. She needed this and for once Callie did it without asking her questions about it. "Sofia are you holding a candle for your Uncle Tim? He would be so proud of you for that." She said, trying to connect her daughter to her brother. She wanted him to be real to her even if they would never meet.
"Uh huh. Madre say he brave. Like you." Sofia said, leaning back against Arizona's legs as she tips her head back to smile up at her. "Madre's candle for Unc Gerogie. His mom sad but I hug it better too. Who yours for?" She asked curiously, full of questions and still at an age where she isn’t' afraid to ask them.
"It's for my grandfather Timothy. That's Papa's father." Arizona explained, thinking about the call she had with her father earlier today. The only other time she can remember him crying was when they unloaded Tim's body off of the plane. Hearing him cry was something that shook her more than she thought it would. "He was a very brave man too. He saved 19 people after his ship was attacked. 19 is a lot of people isn't it?" She asked, her thumb stroking Callie's knuckles without her thinking about it. Though she can’t help but think about Sofia saying that Callie called her brave. It has to have been recently for Sofia to remember it, and silly as it might be it makes her feel a little flutter of hope for her marriage.
"Uh huh." Sofia nodded, eyes wide as she listened to her Momma's story. She loved when her Momma told stories, they were always way better then anyone else's. "That why you sad? Cause they gots attacked and hurt?" She asked with a serious frown that both her mothers think is adorable.
"And because I miss Uncle Tim too and my friend Nick." Arizona added, trying not to think about what it meant to her that he was gone as well. "I have lost a lot of people in my life that meant a lot to me. Your Madre and you help me though it though." She said, wincing that she included Callie. She knew that wasn't Callie's job anymore but she still relied on her in some ways. "You help me feel better Sofia."
"I'm glad." Sofia said simply as she smiled up at Arizona before turning her attention to the stage as the band began a different song. They're all wearing funny hats and stuff but she thinks she might get in trouble if she laughed.
"I'm glad too." Callie said softly, giving Arizona's hand a squeeze. "I know things are…really messed up. But if you need me for stuff like this you can ask. I was being a real b…er…b-i-t-c-h the other day when you asked if you could have Sofia today and I shouldn't have been. I knew why you wanted her tonight." She said, switching out the bad word she was going to say in favor of spelling it when she remembers that little ears are nearby.
"I don't want to lean on you if we're not going to be together anymore. That isn't fair to you after what I did and what I said." Arizona said softly, her hand holding firmly to Callie's. "You were good to me even if I didn't like all the things that you did on my behalf and even if I didn't always like how you did those things. You were still my wife and you stayed faithful. I should have done the same. I should have told you I was hurting and not done what I did." She whispered. They just said more to each other in these few seconds that than had in the last month of nods and text messages and asking about Sofia's clothes or toys.
"Ya, you should have. But I'm your wife and I should have seen things more clearly, I should have called you on some of your stuff and seen the signs. I'm a doctor for Christ's sake, I know about PTSD and the effects of amputations. I just…I was scared of losing you so I wanted to stay in our pretty little bubble. That's on me." Callie said, admitting that she had some role in the dissolution of their marriage for the first time ever.
"After this would you like to go get something to eat? We can take Sofia to that diner on 5th that we use to go to when we would go downtown. We can talk and just try to figure out if maybe you and me can be an us again." Arizona said, unable to help herself. She could feel the cheese in her words as they were coming out of her mouth but that didn't stop her from saying or meaning them. She needed to have Callie back in her life; she was floundering without her no matter how much Leah tried to be there for her.
"Sofia still needs to eat dinner and I know she'd love having us all together like that." Callie started, hedging her answer as she fidgeted nervously with Arizona's hand. She painfully notes the absence of a ring on her finger and her heart clenches tightly, even if she knows she's part of why it's gone, why Arizona's almost given up. "I think we should wait to talk though, until Sofia isn't around. Maybe we could make a new appointment with Dr. Walker for Tuesday?" She proposed tentatively.
"Thank you." Arizona whispered, nodding at Callie's suggestion. "I will make the appointment and let you know when." She whispered, thinking about all of the ways that she could thank Callie for that. Though the best way might be to just get better and to be the type of wife that Callie deserved to have. She missed her, no matter what else was going on she missed her. "I'll make sure I am free and available by then." She said, meaning more than just from work.
"Good." Callie said, her voice tight as she takes a breath to keep from spitting out some rude or hurtful comment. Leah is…none of her business, as much as it pains her to say that. She left, then kicked Arizona out and set up a custody schedule as informal as it is. She did all that. All while Arizona was fighting and begging to talk and work it out. But she wasn't ready for those things so Arizona gave up, she won't want to admit it but Callie knows it's true. Her wife gave up and settled and she hates herself for making her do that.
Sofia turned and looked up at her mother's once the band finished. "Dinner?" She asked, patting her belly and looking up. She knew her moms were talking about boring grown up things but at least they were together and talking again. "All of us?" She asked, giving her best and brightest smile in hopes that her mothers would agree to be a family again. Even if just for a few hours so she could pretend things were ok again.
"Yes mija, all of us are going to dinner." Callie beamed as she bent down and scooped up her mini me clone. Though when she's getting into trouble her smirk is all Mark and she swears her 'determined face' is all Arizona. "What do you say we ride with Momma, would you like that? We're going out to dinner too so you need to be a good girl and listen to us ok?" She said, feeling Arizona's hand come to rest on her lower back like it always used to.
Arizona stood there, the smoke from her blown out candle twisting in the slight breeze. For a moment she forgot about her grandfather, her brother and her best friend. She forgot about Leah and Lauren and all the other things that made her question the kind of woman she was. For a moment she just looked at her daughter's smile and she felt Callie pressing against her hand and she was happy.
Author: walking_weapon and usofcalzona
Rating: G
Paring: Callie/Arizona
Summary: Some wounds never go away, they just hurt more on some days than others. But every once and a while the clouds clear off and you get a tiny glimpse of hope that lets you start to heal.
Some days hit Arizona Robbins like a ton of bricks. She knew they were coming, knew where they fell on the calendar year after year without change, and yet they still knocked her off of her feet each time. Tim's birthday hit her hardest for reasons that most understood. Memorial day followed that, always leading her to go to Washington DC and to Tim's grave in Arlington, along with her Grandfather's grave. Only 34 rows and 3 sections away. Veteran's Day followed that mostly because everyone was so happy usually while she was so sad.
So here she stood in a crowd in downtown Seattle, alone and yet surrounded by people, story of her life really. The area was dark except for the candles each person held, lit for a loved one that died in service to their country. She wanted to hold two but she needed her cane in her other hand because she had to walk so much that day. So she stood, tears in her eyes in a sea of people all alone.
"Momma, Momma look!" Sofia said excitedly as she toddled over to Arizona with a little plastic candle, it's fake flame lit by battery power. "Candle." She said proudly, excited to get to hold something she's usually told to stay away from. She reached Arizona and tugged at her pant leg to further get her attention, smiling up at her with all the innocence of a little girl just happy to see her Momma.
"Sofia?" Arizona turned away from the military band that was playing and down to her daughter. Today was Callie's day with Sofia, she had asked to change but Callie couldn't or wouldn't, she wasn't sure which. "What are you doing here baby?" She asked, bending down and trying not to wince as her fake leg dug into her a little bit. "Did Madre bring you here just for me?" She asked, giving her daughter the biggest hug she could without catching her on fire.
"Uh huh. She said you sad and I make it better." Sofia said, smiling lovingly at Arizona. She loves when both her moms are around and aren't all quiet and sad. She missed that. "See? All better." She said, leaning in for another hug and squeezing Arizona as tight as her little arms will allow.
"I know how hard today is for you so…here we are. We didn't have much planned tonight anyway." Callie said as she finally moved closer, a lit candle for George in her hand. She got a very teary call from Momma O'Mailey this morning which led to them meeting her at a park for a while, and seeing her so happy with Sofia, seeing how much she wished she had her son back to give just one more hug to, it really made her think. And that thinking led her here. "I hope this is ok? I mean I can go if you want, you can take her tonight."
"Stay, I want you to stay." Arizona stood up, hooking her cane to her jacket so her other hand was free. "Just forget about what I did for a few hours, ok? I need to hold your hand and to just not feel like a monster for a little while." She slipped her hand into Callie's and gave her a weak smile when Callie didn't pull her hand away or give her a dirty look. She needed this and for once Callie did it without asking her questions about it. "Sofia are you holding a candle for your Uncle Tim? He would be so proud of you for that." She said, trying to connect her daughter to her brother. She wanted him to be real to her even if they would never meet.
"Uh huh. Madre say he brave. Like you." Sofia said, leaning back against Arizona's legs as she tips her head back to smile up at her. "Madre's candle for Unc Gerogie. His mom sad but I hug it better too. Who yours for?" She asked curiously, full of questions and still at an age where she isn’t' afraid to ask them.
"It's for my grandfather Timothy. That's Papa's father." Arizona explained, thinking about the call she had with her father earlier today. The only other time she can remember him crying was when they unloaded Tim's body off of the plane. Hearing him cry was something that shook her more than she thought it would. "He was a very brave man too. He saved 19 people after his ship was attacked. 19 is a lot of people isn't it?" She asked, her thumb stroking Callie's knuckles without her thinking about it. Though she can’t help but think about Sofia saying that Callie called her brave. It has to have been recently for Sofia to remember it, and silly as it might be it makes her feel a little flutter of hope for her marriage.
"Uh huh." Sofia nodded, eyes wide as she listened to her Momma's story. She loved when her Momma told stories, they were always way better then anyone else's. "That why you sad? Cause they gots attacked and hurt?" She asked with a serious frown that both her mothers think is adorable.
"And because I miss Uncle Tim too and my friend Nick." Arizona added, trying not to think about what it meant to her that he was gone as well. "I have lost a lot of people in my life that meant a lot to me. Your Madre and you help me though it though." She said, wincing that she included Callie. She knew that wasn't Callie's job anymore but she still relied on her in some ways. "You help me feel better Sofia."
"I'm glad." Sofia said simply as she smiled up at Arizona before turning her attention to the stage as the band began a different song. They're all wearing funny hats and stuff but she thinks she might get in trouble if she laughed.
"I'm glad too." Callie said softly, giving Arizona's hand a squeeze. "I know things are…really messed up. But if you need me for stuff like this you can ask. I was being a real b…er…b-i-t-c-h the other day when you asked if you could have Sofia today and I shouldn't have been. I knew why you wanted her tonight." She said, switching out the bad word she was going to say in favor of spelling it when she remembers that little ears are nearby.
"I don't want to lean on you if we're not going to be together anymore. That isn't fair to you after what I did and what I said." Arizona said softly, her hand holding firmly to Callie's. "You were good to me even if I didn't like all the things that you did on my behalf and even if I didn't always like how you did those things. You were still my wife and you stayed faithful. I should have done the same. I should have told you I was hurting and not done what I did." She whispered. They just said more to each other in these few seconds that than had in the last month of nods and text messages and asking about Sofia's clothes or toys.
"Ya, you should have. But I'm your wife and I should have seen things more clearly, I should have called you on some of your stuff and seen the signs. I'm a doctor for Christ's sake, I know about PTSD and the effects of amputations. I just…I was scared of losing you so I wanted to stay in our pretty little bubble. That's on me." Callie said, admitting that she had some role in the dissolution of their marriage for the first time ever.
"After this would you like to go get something to eat? We can take Sofia to that diner on 5th that we use to go to when we would go downtown. We can talk and just try to figure out if maybe you and me can be an us again." Arizona said, unable to help herself. She could feel the cheese in her words as they were coming out of her mouth but that didn't stop her from saying or meaning them. She needed to have Callie back in her life; she was floundering without her no matter how much Leah tried to be there for her.
"Sofia still needs to eat dinner and I know she'd love having us all together like that." Callie started, hedging her answer as she fidgeted nervously with Arizona's hand. She painfully notes the absence of a ring on her finger and her heart clenches tightly, even if she knows she's part of why it's gone, why Arizona's almost given up. "I think we should wait to talk though, until Sofia isn't around. Maybe we could make a new appointment with Dr. Walker for Tuesday?" She proposed tentatively.
"Thank you." Arizona whispered, nodding at Callie's suggestion. "I will make the appointment and let you know when." She whispered, thinking about all of the ways that she could thank Callie for that. Though the best way might be to just get better and to be the type of wife that Callie deserved to have. She missed her, no matter what else was going on she missed her. "I'll make sure I am free and available by then." She said, meaning more than just from work.
"Good." Callie said, her voice tight as she takes a breath to keep from spitting out some rude or hurtful comment. Leah is…none of her business, as much as it pains her to say that. She left, then kicked Arizona out and set up a custody schedule as informal as it is. She did all that. All while Arizona was fighting and begging to talk and work it out. But she wasn't ready for those things so Arizona gave up, she won't want to admit it but Callie knows it's true. Her wife gave up and settled and she hates herself for making her do that.
Sofia turned and looked up at her mother's once the band finished. "Dinner?" She asked, patting her belly and looking up. She knew her moms were talking about boring grown up things but at least they were together and talking again. "All of us?" She asked, giving her best and brightest smile in hopes that her mothers would agree to be a family again. Even if just for a few hours so she could pretend things were ok again.
"Yes mija, all of us are going to dinner." Callie beamed as she bent down and scooped up her mini me clone. Though when she's getting into trouble her smirk is all Mark and she swears her 'determined face' is all Arizona. "What do you say we ride with Momma, would you like that? We're going out to dinner too so you need to be a good girl and listen to us ok?" She said, feeling Arizona's hand come to rest on her lower back like it always used to.
Arizona stood there, the smoke from her blown out candle twisting in the slight breeze. For a moment she forgot about her grandfather, her brother and her best friend. She forgot about Leah and Lauren and all the other things that made her question the kind of woman she was. For a moment she just looked at her daughter's smile and she felt Callie pressing against her hand and she was happy.