fic: Twelve Days (1/2)
Title: Twelve Days
Author Name: plotbunniesinc
Original Prompt Number: 38
Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto, minor Gwen/Rhys, possibly Tosh/Owen but only when nobody’s looking.
Summary: December 25th didn’t go quite as Ianto had hoped… can Jack fix it before Christmas is over?
Rating: Rish
Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Torchwood.
Warnings: Several rude words. (Tut Tut...)
Word Count: c.17400
Author's Notes: This was both great fun, and at times quite tricky to write. Hope it works alright, and apologies in advance to thisbedear because the fic couldn't be made to count back to Boxing Day without giving the end away - you get it in chronological rather than reverse order instead!
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a silly miscommunication.
December 26th - Boxing Day
When Jack woke up and rolled over there seemed to be something vital missing, but he was a little too fuzzy to work out what it was for a few seconds.
Finally, it clicked. “Ianto?”
Jack levered himself upright and glanced around the small room. Ianto was nowhere to be seen, but the lights on his miniature Christmas tree had been switched off. He leant over and peered into the bathroom, but Ianto wasn't in there either.
Jack scratched his head, and dragged himself out of bed, smiling to himself. Ianto had gotten up to make coffee. Was there anything better than spending a fabulous Christmas with someone you love and then waking up on Boxing Day to a freshly brewed cup of the finest coffee known to man?
He pulled on a fresh T-shirt and yesterday's trousers and hoisted himself up the ladder.
Despite the fact that he adored Ianto's coffee, he had been deprived of his morning kiss, and was determined to rectify that immediately.
The blinds in his office were still closed, but he could hear movement in the Hub. A glance at the clock on his desk told him it wasn’t even eight o’clock yet, so Jack revised his plan for a kiss into something more detailed which involved carrying Ianto back to bed, literally if necessary, and pushed open the door.
“Morning, Jack!”
“Tosh.” Jack stopped at the top of the stairs.
“Good Christmas?”
“Yeah.” Jack couldn’t stop the grin which spread across his face. “You?”
“Yeah.” Tosh nodded, although her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Where’s Ianto?”
Tosh frowned. “I haven’t seen him. I thought he was…” she waved a hand in the general direction of Jack’s office and looked vaguely embarrassed.
Jack grinned at the implication. “Nope. He woke up before me.” he said, crossing the Hub to Tosh's workstation. He picked up an abandoned paper hat and put it on at an appropriately jaunty angle.
Tosh glanced at him. The smile seemed to be a little more genuine this time. “So where is he?” she asked.
Jack shrugged. “I guess he must have gone home for a bit.” he said thoughtfully, “But he didn't leave a note, and he's got a few days worth of clothes still here.”
Tosh opened a complicated-looking programme on her computer and started typing.
“He's probably gone to visit relatives.” she said distractedly, peering at the screen. “He probably told you yesterday.”
Jack frowned. “I don’t think so. He went to see his family on Christmas Eve. He didn’t say anything about…”
Come to think of it, Ianto hadn’t said much about anything yesterday. Jack shook his head.
“Think we should risk operating the coffee machine ourselves?”
Tosh looked doubtful. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Ah, come on. If Ianto’s not here…”
“I’d still know.”
Jack spun round. “Ianto! Where were you?”
Ianto held up the four pint container of milk in answer. “Morning, Tosh.” He dodged Jack and disappeared towards the kitchen.
Jack stared after him for a moment, before deciding that the opportunity of cornering Ianto in the kitchen was preferable to standing by Tosh's desk and watching her type.
“Ianto?” Jack asked, peering round the corner at the young man by the coffee machine.
Ianto didn't reply.
“I wondered where you were when I woke up.” Jack continued, “The bed was all cold and lonely...”
“I went to get milk.” Ianto said without turning round. “I knew you'd want coffee.”
“I would've preferred to wake up next to you.” Jack replied, moving closer.
“And I preferred to get up and get some milk while there was still some left in the shops.”
Jack sighed. His paper hat slipped further over one eye. He pulled it off and draped it over the top of the coffee machine. Ianto snatched it away immediately, crumpling it into a ball and throwing it in the nearby rubbish bin.
“Don't touch the coffee machine.” he reprimanded.
Jack took another step forwards and rested his hands on Ianto’s waist. “Do I still get a good morning kiss?”
Ianto pressed a button on the machine and the kitchen was filled with the sound of grinding beans. Jack persisted, sliding even closer to Ianto and pressing a kiss just below his ear.
“-nd look at this?” The grinder stopped in time for them to hear the end of Tosh’s query.
“What was that?” Jack called, not letting go of Ianto.
“Could you come and look at this? I’m picking up some rather odd readings.”
Ianto twisted quickly and planted a swift kiss on Jack’s lips. “Go on then.” He pushed
Jack towards the door and returned his attention to the coffee. Jack watched him for a moment with a puzzled expression, and went to see what Tosh had found.
The piece of debris from the spaceship had come down in a field just outside of Cardiff, and Jack had volunteered to go and pick it up, since Tosh was busy with her computations and Ianto had simply glared at him and reminded him that he had already been outside once already that morning.
Jack had only been gone from the Hub for five minutes when Tosh sidled up to Ianto as he was sorting out a pile of paperwork that needed to be sent to UNIT the previous week.
She put a mince pie next to the cup of coffee on the desk and stood hovering beside him. Ianto lasted a whole minute before he gave in.
“Is there something you wanted?” he asked, carefully separating a pile of incorrectly filled-out expense forms from a surprisingly graphic stick figure doodle of the Defence Minister.
Tosh sighed. “What's wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing.” Ianto told her, putting the expense forms to one side and scanning through the UNIT documents to check that Jack had completed them properly. “Post Christmas blues?”
Tosh just looked at him. Ianto sighed. “I guess I was just expecting too much. Built it all up too much, you know? Christmas is for kids anyway. How was your day, really?”
“I spoke to my cousin and his family on Christmas Eve. It just reminds me how far away they are and how different everything is…” she stopped and glared at him. “Stop changing the subject. What happened?”
Ianto’s shoulders slumped. “It’s stupid really.”
“What is?”
Ianto shuffled a few more papers around the desk before sighing loudly. “Jack didn't get me anything for Christmas.” he admitted finally. “See. I told you it was stupid.”
“I don't think it's that stupid at all.” replied Tosh, leaning up against the desk.
“I mean, we had a really nice day.” Ianto continued. “It was... surprisingly relaxing, you know, breakfast in bed. Crap telly. Watched 'The Great Escape', the usual. Jack even tried making dinner... I don't know why I'm upset at all, really.”
Tosh bit her lip and fidgeted with the empty mug in her hands. “Did you get him something?” she asked.
Ianto nodded but didn’t answer or meet her eyes.
“Something that you put a lot of effort into?” Tosh continued.
Ianto shrugged, which Tosh correctly interpreted to mean that he had.
“It’s just a stupid thing. I shouldn’t be so bothered by it.”
“Are you going to tell Jack?”
“No!” Ianto said quickly. “It'd be… pathetic. ‘I’m angry because you didn’t buy me a present’? How shallow is that? Anyway, Christmas isn’t supposed to be about presents, is it? Not really...” He picked up the neat stacks of papers. “No, I’m just going to have to pull myself together.” He balanced the mince pie on top of the papers and smiled at her.
“Thanks, though.”
Jack glanced over his shoulder at the lump of metal on the back seat. It was glowing faintly, but Jack knew from experience that it was a harmless piece of the spaceship's waste ejection pod. Useful, but the craft would easily make it to a nearby spaceport without it.
He pulled over into a lay-by and dug out his mobile phone. He'd spent all Christmas day with Ianto, and hadn't had a chance to make this call before.
The phone picked up on the fourth ring.
“Hullo?”
“Hey, it's me.” Jack replied, smiling. “Have you thought about what I asked you the other week?”
“The other week?”
Jack sighed. “Alright then, the last time I phoned you.”
There was a brief pause. Jack could hear the flipping of diary pages. “Ah. Yes. I remember. I'm having a bit of a problem with keeping my timeline linear. When are you?”
Jack bit back a sarcastic comment. “It's Boxing day.” he said, “You said you'd come round after Christmas.”
There was another pause. “Umm... Which Christmas are we talking about again?” The Doctor asked finally.
“2007.”
“Ah. Of course... Well, umm... Yes... It's just that the Selaxian Empire is due to collapse and I think I should head over. You know, keep an eye out.”
“You mean meddle, don't you?”
“Of course not.” The Doctor replied huffily. “I just want to see the Royal Palace before it's set on fire.”
Jack made a non-committal noise. “You have a time machine.” he pointed out.
“I have a time machine with only one pilot.” The Doctor muttered. “Look, I'll get there as soon as I can.”
“You'd better. I want to surprise Ianto, and I think he might be getting cross with me.”
“Thanks, Ianto.” Tosh leant back in her chair and smiled at him across the table. “This was a great idea.”
Ianto smiled back. “It’s going on expenses. Jack’s always trying to get things through as ‘staff morale’ - I think this counts.”
Tosh glanced around the sushi bar. “I think so.”
“Do you think we should call Jack?”
“No.” Tosh shook her head. “Serves him right if he’s sitting in the Hub on his own now, wondering where we are. If he’s going to be thoughtless at Christmas, we don’t have to include him. And if Gwen and Owen don’t even have to come into work, we can certainly take a long lunch break!”
Jack had almost completed Gwen's abandoned book of crossword puzzles when Ianto and Tosh finally returned. He leant back on his chair and peered into the main Hub at the sound of the cog door whirring open.
Ianto was wearing his nice black wool coat, and had a striped scarf that Jack couldn't remember seeing before draped over his shoulders. Tosh was laughing and Ianto was smiling broadly..
“...And then the dog said 'I get the deal with the mango, but who's this James Bond guy, anyway?'...”
Tosh giggled loudly, covering her mouth with her hands.
Jack raised an eyebrow. “You've gotta tell me that joke sometime, Ianto.” he called.
Tosh stopped laughing. “I'll, umm... Go and check those co-ordinates against the list in the archives then...” she mumbled, taking off her coat and draping it over the back of her chair.
“Where’ve you been, then?” Jack asked.
“Out for lunch.” Ianto hung up his coat and unwound his scarf. “Alien debris retrieval go okay?”
“I would have liked to come out for lunch…”
Ianto paused, and then shrugged. “I suppose that was thoughtless of us.” There was an edge to the statement that Jack couldn’t miss.
Jack tried to ignore it. "Well, you'll just have to make it up to me later." he said with a grin. "Dinner later?"
Ianto blinked. "I'll have to make it up to you?"
Jack frowned. "Well, not if you don't want to."
"I went out for lunch with Tosh, Jack." Ianto checked over his shoulder to make sure that Tosh was safely down in the archives. "She had a miserable Christmas, and we went out for lunch without you. Why would I owe you for that?"
Jack got the feeling that the conversation was slipping away from him. "All I'm saying is that I would have liked to have come with you, Ianto. I mean, I was on my way back..."
"Maybe we'd rather have lunch without you." Ianto snapped. The statement took him by surprise. He hadn't intended to say it, hadn't realised that he meant it until that moment.
Still, it was out now.
Blinking, Jack sank back in his chair. "Okay then..." he said, feeling startled. "You can have lunch with anyone you like... I'll, just... go through the reports for UNIT."
Ianto was still distracted by the thought that, actually, he and Tosh had had a much better time at lunch without Jack there to be the centre of attention. "They're in your in-tray." He replied absent mindedly. "You need to sign the ones with post-it notes on, and the first four still need your comments."
Jack picked up the top piece of paper and read through it quickly. "I don't even remember this happening."
"Maybe if you paid a bit more attention..." Ianto muttered, heading for the door.
Jack sighed, and gave up. Hopefully Ianto would be in a better mood when he had finished the paperwork.
Ianto stopped in the kitchen, wondering what had just happened. It was one thing to enjoy lunch without Jack, it was another thing entirely to actually TELL him that.
Somehow, all the good that Tosh had done in making him feel better had been undone by a few moments conversation with Jack.
In the hope of getting back to his usual, controlled self, Ianto pulled the box of cleaning equipment out from under the sink and went to take out his frustrations on the shower room.
Jack finished the last comment, feeling quite proud of himself. He hadn't even used half the rude names he'd been saving up for the occasion.
Now, he thought, it was time to find Ianto and attempt to explain - or distract. He didn't want him finding out about the trip he had planned.
He discovered Ianto in the large changing room next to the main archives. Jack leant up against the doorframe and admired the pleasant view in front of him. After several minutes, Ianto seemed to notice that he was being watched and sat up, glancing over at Jack.
“How long have you been there without offering to help?” he demanded.
“How long have you been scrubbing the floor on Boxing Day?” Jack countered. “It's supposed to be a holiday, you know.”
Ianto sighed, and dropped the brush back into the bucket.
“That doesn’t make the floor any cleaner.” He looked up at Jack, but didn’t bother standing up. “Anyway, it’s traditional to clean on Boxing day… in my family at least.”
“Really?” Jack didn’t sound convinced.
“My mother liked everything to be spotless… and we always had a big Christmas, all the family were there - my Dad used to say that if we hadn’t tidied up there was a real danger of losing one of the smaller children under a drift of wrapping paper.”
Jack smiled at the image. “That’s a lot of wrapping paper!”
“There were a lot of presents…”
“Hey, at least we haven’t made extra mess for Christmas.”
Ianto stared at him, wondering if Jack thought that was a genuine positive point.
Apparently he did.
“Might have been nice…” he said quietly, returning his attention to the floor.
“Well, if you’d like something to unwrap…”
Ianto glanced up again. Typical Jack to wait, do things differently…
“Tosh has gone home. You could come upstairs and unwrap me, if you like!”
“Unwrap…you?”
Jack grinned at him. “What more could anybody want for Christmas?”
Ianto sighed and stood up.
“Actually, Jack, I think I’m going to go home.” He picked up the bucket and walked out, leaving Jack standing alone in the changing rooms looking confused.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two hostile threats…
December 27
Gwen ran out of the flat as soon as the SUV pulled up.
“God, it’s cold!” she gasped as she pulled the door shut behind her. “What’s the emergency?”
“Something’s running around Penylan scaring the locals.” Owen told her.
“What sort of something?”
“We’re not entirely sure.” Tosh admitted over the comm link. Gwen could hear frantic typing. “We can’t match it to any of our records.”
“The police had had seven complaints by eight thirty.” Jack told her, taking a right turn at slightly too high a speed. “Whatever it is, it’s not subtle.”
“Bloody…” Owen stared at the lamppost in disbelief. “Is that…?”
The lamppost had been broken off about three feet from the ground. The top part of the post was missing. “Are those…?”
“Teeth marks.” Jack confirmed.
“Can I have a bigger gun?”
“We’re going for a kill rather than a capture.” Jack sorted through the selection of weapons. “This thing has gone through three lampposts, two litter bins and a post box. I don’t think it’s going to sit quiet in the back of the SUV.”
“Jack…” Tosh interrupted. “Check the laptop. You need to see this.”
“What is it?” Jack walked around to the back seat of the SUV and leant into the vehicle.
“There’s more than one. Look at the heat signals.” Tosh had sent them a map of the surrounding streets, which were scattered with yellow dots. “And whatever they are, they’re BIG. Just look at the amount of heat they’re giving off.”
While Jack was going through the data and talking to Tosh, Gwen sidled up to Owen.
“Where’s Ianto this morning? If we’ve got large unknown hostiles surely we should have as many of us as possible working on this?”
Owen shrugged. “I don’t know. Tosh is on comms, Ianto’s doing I-don’t-know-what back in the Hub and if Jack’s not asking either of them to pick up a gun and help us then I’m not getting involved.”
“But…”
“Hey, you two! Stop chatting, grab a gun and follow me!”
“Bloody Hell. Those are what I call teeth…!” Owen whistled.
“Thank you, Owen, that’s really helpful.” Jack crouched behind somebody’s garden wall, pulling Owen down next to him.
The alien was about twelve feet away. It was making a loud snuffling noise.
“And claws. Big claws…”
“Ssh!” Gwen hissed.
They all winced at a sudden metallic screeching. Jack peered over the top of wall and swore.
“Jack?” Tosh’s voice came over the comm.
“It’s just bitten clean through a lamp post.” Jack told her.
“Now what?” Owen asked, watching the eight foot monster loping away down the street.
“Follow it.” Jack leapt to his feet and set off in pursuit.
Gwen and Owen exchanged glances.
“It’s carrying a lamp post.”
“I can see that.”
“In its TEETH.”
Owen shrugged. “Come on.”
“Oh, that’s not good.” Jack tapped his comm. “Ianto? Have you got the images I sent through to Toshiko?”
“Yes sir.”
“I need you to cross reference it with the databases. I’m sure we’ve got records on this thing…”
“I’m on it.”
“Jack, is that…?” Gwen stared at the alien, which was now carefully adding the lamp post to a pile of twisted metal. It snarled, and there was an answering wail.
“That’s a nest.” Jack pulled Gwen behind a tree as the alien turned and loped purposefully back toward the street.
“A nest of lamp posts.” Owen stated. “And litter bins.”
“There’s a post-box, too.” Jack pointed out.
“… nesting?”
“That’s the male.” Jack gestured towards the retreating alien, and then towards the heap of metal. “The female’s inside that lot somewhere”
“Jack…” Owen frowned. “In my experience, nests usually lead to…”
Jack sighed and nodded. “Baby aliens. And if these are what I think they are, then we’re got a serious problem.”
“More serious than an eight foot slimy monster chewing through street furniture?”
Jack rolled his eyes.
“Owen, did you say it was slimy?” Ianto’s voice crackled through the comm.
“Yeah.”
“Has the slime dripped anywhere? On the road?”
“Probably. Why?”
“Go and have a look at it for me.” Ianto requested.
“Hey, Ianto, what have you found?” Jack asked. Ianto didn’t respond. Owen looked at Jack for a few moments, then shrugged and turned towards the street, keeping an eye out for the returning alien. Jack stayed by the tree, staring at the nest with a frown on his face.
“What are we going to do with them?” Gwen asked. “How do we capture them?”
Jack’s response was cut short by Owen on the comm.
“Ianto? The slime’s eaten straight through the asphalt!”
Jack swore.
Gwen looked even more worried. “What?”
“We’re DEFINITELY not capturing these. We need to wipe them out. Owen, meet us back at the SUV. We’ll need the flamethrower.” He was already striding back towards where they’d left the vehicle.
“All right! I’ve always wanted to use that thing…”
“But…” Gwen was still protesting as Jack unloaded the flamethrower. “If they’ve got young…”
“How are we going to capture them, Gwen?” Owen asked. “They eat metal and drip highly corrosive slime. Even if we COULD persuade these huge aliens to climb into the SUV with no fight, it couldn’t hold them.”
“Neither would the cells.” Jack added, passed Owen a can of petrol. “Right, let’s go.”
Gwen pulled her gun out and followed.
“My God, that’s disgusting.” Owen peeled off his jacket and dropped it into the hazardous waste bag that Ianto was holding out.
“And your jeans.” Jack said with a leer. Owen stripped out of his jeans without looking at Jack, shivering in the chill of the underground parking.
“I liked that jacket…”
“Well, if you will wear it alien-hunting, you know there’s always a risk…” Gwen chastised. Ianto caught her eye and gave her a small smile. His warning about the toxic slime, and the likelihood of the aliens exploding when they caught fire, had kept Gwen safely out of slime-range when Jack powered up the flamethrower.
She suspected that he’d deliberately left it slightly too late to warn Owen, but it struck her as odd that he evidently hadn’t bothered to warn Jack at all. Not that it had done any real damage to Jack, past melting the majority of his clothing, but surely it had actually been more complicated for Ianto to warn her separately over a private communication channel than to warn them all at once?
Gwen turned away from where Jack was making suggestive comments about the clothing situation, and headed into the Hub to find Tosh and see if she knew what was going on.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three drunk men…
December 28
“...and after she's had a bloody good go at the new sofa, her mother only turns round and starts complaining about the turkey, and I'm all 'Oi, we spent all yesterday preparing this bloody meal, so the least you can do is sit down, shut up and eat it...' Honestly, that bloody woman. If I'd have know before I proposed to Gwen... Well, I suppose I did know, but I guess it's not like I'm marrying her mother, is it? And Swansea's a way away, so she can't just drop by and start criticising everything we own anytime she wants to, is it?”
“Mmmm...”
“Phworh. Have you seen the legs on that? Nice one, love!”
“I mean, her Dad's a nice guy - he asked me out on a fishing trip once, I think he wanted to suss me out, like, find out about the bloke who was shaggin' his daughter, but I'm no fan of fishing. I get seasick in the bath, me, but maybe I should've said yes to the old codger or something, cos I get the feeling he doesn't like me neither. Not like her Uncle Denis. That guy's a barrel of laughs. Jesus, we went out for a meal for his 50th - Denis, I mean, and he had me in stitches. ”
“Yeah, I know...”
“Alright darlin', can I buy you a drink?”
“But then again, my family can't be that much of a laugh for her, I know she couldn't stand my old Nan, god bless her. Gwen didn't come to the funeral, but we'd only been going out a few months back then, so I can't really blame her. Nan was a bit of a basket case. She died pretty suddenly, but she had a tongue on her, she did. I don't think she liked the idea of Gwen being a policewoman, you know. Granddad had had a few shady contacts, like - there were always a few bits of dodgy gear in his shed... Hey, are you alright?”
“Humm... Yeah... What? Pardon?”
“Ianto, mate, are you alright? You seem a bit... off.”
“No, I'm fine.” Ianto mentally shook himself. Rhys was looking at him with a slightly concerned expression, and Owen was still determinedly trying to chat up the girl at the table next to them. “Is it my round?”
Rhys blinked, and examined his pint glass. There was about an inch left in the bottom. “I think it's Owen's, actually.” he said. “Oi! Owen! Your round!”
“Yeah, okay...” Owen sighed loudly and stood up. The girl he had been chatting to shot Rhys a grateful look and turned back to her giggling group of friends.
Rhys was silent for a moment, before folding his arms across his chest and letting out a pointed cough. “So...” he started.
Ianto mentally rolled his eyes. He'd known Rhys had been working up to this part of their evening.
“So...” Rhys said again, “Gwen asked me to take you out for a drink...”
“Humm.” Ianto agreed.
“I'm thinking it's her tactful way of trying to get us to try the whole male bonding experience.” Rhys continued. “And while I have no idea why she thought this whole thing would be made easier by inviting Owen along as well, the absence of Jack makes me think that it's him we're supposed to be talking about.”
Ianto stared at Rhys. “You're surprisingly perceptive.” he said finally.
“Hey, don't let this well-toned exterior fool you,” Rhys replied with a smile as Owen returned from the bar balancing three pints.
“Finally got around to asking Mr Mopey here about Jack then?” Owen asked, setting the glasses on the table. “That bird of yours isn't the most subtle of people, is she?” he took a large sip of his own beer and turned to Ianto. “What's your mean old boyfriend done now, eh, tea-boy?”
Ianto narrowed his eyes and reached for his drink. “Nothing.”
“Yeah, right... I know that look.”
“Just leave it, Owen.”
Owen sat back in his chair. “Buy you the wrong cleaning solution for Christmas, did he?”
Ianto didn't reply.
Rhys sighed loudly. “I think this calls for Tequila.” he said finally, glancing between the two colleagues.
“Gwen? Darling? Hello?... Yeah. What? Already? No, they're both fine... Well... I think Owen's asleep... He must be, I don't know how else Ianto would've gotten away with writing that on his forehead if he wasn't... No, it should wash off. Eventually... Look, any chance of a lift back home? I think we spent the taxi money on the last round of Screaming Orgasms... What? No, Screaming Orgasms. It's a cocktail, love... Yeah. So do you think you could come and... No, that little place by the castle... You will? Jack will? Fantastic darling... Yeah, see you at home... Love you too...”
When Jack pulled up outside the pub, Rhys had propped Owen up against a lamp-post. Ianto sat on a nearby park bench, staring morosely at the pavement. Rhys stood between the two of them with his arms dug deep into the pockets of his jeans.
“Hello,” he called as Jack opened the door of the SUV. “Thanks for coming. We stayed a bit later than planned.”
Ianto pulled himself to his feet and yanked open the car door. “We need to drop Owen off first.” He said, gesturing to the drunken medic. “I don't think the last flaming Sambucca agreed with him.”
Together the three of them manhandled Owen into the front seat of the SUV, Rhys and Ianto climbed into the back and they set off.
Rhys gave Ianto and Jack a cheery wave as he stumbled up the path to the front door of his flat, narrowly missing a light-up arrangement of reindeer.
Jack waved in return, before turning to Ianto in the back seat with a grin. “Have a good time?” he asked.
“Hummm...” Ianto murmured non-committally.
“It can't have been that bad.” Jack replied, putting the SUV in gear and pulling away.
“Yeah, it was okay...”
Jack sighed loudly. Ianto was usually more chatty than this with a few drinks in him. “Home then?” he asked, “Are you hungry? I think you've got enough leftovers for a few more turkey sandwiches...” Jack paused, but Ianto didn't reply. “...Mind you, there's always a bit more turkey left, isn't there? We'll probably still be eating it at Easter.” Jack laughed. Ianto didn't join in. “We should get a chicken next year. It'll be better for just the two of us...”
Jack tailed off into a long-winded talk about the merits of chicken versus turkey for Christmas dinner. Ianto didn't listen to much of it, but in his drunken haze, the very sound of Jack's voice was only making him crosser and crosser. He bit at his lip and stared out of the window of the SUV, watching his reflection glare back at him.
By the time they had reached Ianto's flat, Jack had started on a chapter regarding cranberry sauce and stuffing. Ianto was out of the car practically before it had even stopped, stalking up the garden path to his front door and fumbling with his keys. He had a vague idea that if he could get the door open quickly, he could get inside and shut the door in Jack's face. Unfortunately, his front door keys didn't seem to be co-operating.
“Damnnit.” Ianto yelled, as he accidentally dropped the bunch of keys into a plant pot. Jack was right behind him now, and already stooping to retrieve them. Slamming the door in his face seemed to be out of the question now.
Jack patiently opened the door to the shared hallway, holding it wide for Ianto to walk through to his own flat. Ianto sighed loudly.
“So, shall I make some tea?” Jack asked, heading to the kitchen. Ianto watched him, standing in the middle of his living room. He folded his arms, listening to Jack clatter about in his nice clean kitchen.
“Well? I could make cocoa if you prefer...” Jack poked his head round the doorframe, holding one of Ianto's best china teacups. The ones his Gran had given him. The ones he kept in the cabinet. The ones he never used. Ianto narrowed his eyes.
“THAT'S IT!” he yelled. “I'M GOING TO BED!”
Jack blinked, teacup dangling from his finger. “... or we could skip the nightcap...” he finished, a small, hopeful grin was already playing on his face.
Ianto stabbed a finger at his front door. “Out!” he ordered.
Jack looked pained. “Out?” he asked, attempting a puppy-dog expression.
“Out.” Ianto confirmed.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four coffee cups…
December 29
“Good Morning!”
Tosh leant back in her chair as Gwen breezed into the Hub. “Good morning. You’re very chirpy this morning.”
Gwen grinned. “Rhys is in a state this morning. If Owen and Ianto are anything like as bad, all I have to do is be cheerful and it pays back them back nicely - Rhys was too drunk to walk up the stairs on his own, I had to go down to the front door and practically carry him the rest of the way.”
Tosh laughed. “Owen’s not in yet, but Ianto’s working coffee magic.”
Ianto himself looked rather the worse for wear, pale with bloodshot eyes and an uncharacteristic layer of stubble, but the coffee was perfect as ever.
He handed coffee to both Gwen and Tosh, pausing as they both took a moment to inhale the steam.
“Good night last night?” Tosh asked, all innocence. Ianto rolled his eyes and retreated to the kitchen without a word.
Owen’s arrival half an hour later was rather less cheerful. He slung his new jacket on the hook and slumped on the sofa with his eyes closed. Ianto brought him a coffee without a word, and then disappeared towards the archives with his own mug.
When Jack emerged from his office five minutes later, after a particularly trying conversation with one of the Sultan of Brunei’s senior members of staff, the girls were doing a passable job of pretending to work.
“Where’s Ianto?”
“Archives.” Owen muttered, without moving or opening his eyes.
“Any coffee?”
Tosh glanced up from her computer. “Ianto’s just brought some round. Didn’t he bring you one in?”
Jack shook his head. “No. No, he didn’t…”
To anybody who wasn’t as reliant on Ianto’s coffee as the staff of Torchwood Three, Jack’s expression as he trailed back to his office would have been comical.
Gwen looked at Tosh, an expression of concern on her face.
“This is getting serious now…”
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, five cold things…
December 30
“You have GOT to be bloody joking.” Owen complained.
Jack shook his head. “I'm afraid not.” he replied with an impressively straight face.
Gwen giggled. “I think it's fun in a way,” she said with a bright smile. “Christmas and all that.”
Ianto narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on his coffee mug. “You won't think that when they start ripping people's faces off.” he said.
Gwen blinked. “They can DO that?” she asked, aghast.
Tosh nodded. “There were seven documented cases in Scotland back in '82. The photos are... disturbing.”
Gwen bit her lip and Jack coughed. “Anyway, back to the subject at hand, people. We have five sentient snowmen wandering round Merthyr Tydfil. We need to stock up on salt and head off to melt them all before they can attack anything larger than household pets.”
Owen sighed again. “Well, personally, I'm going to keep right on thinking you're joking until I see one for myself.”
Ianto pushed himself to his feet and started collecting up the mugs. “I could fetch the Scottish pictures,” he offered mildly. “They're surprisingly informative once you get past the scattered body parts and pools of blood.”
Gwen turned an odd colour.
As the SUV sped towards Merthyr, Jack explained more of the background to the case. There were several incredulous looks.
“Run that past me again.” asked Gwen, sounding confused.
“It's the coal,” Jack repeated, “For the eyes.”
“Alien coal? We're dealing with alien coal?” Gwen shook her head.
“It's not really coal.” Ianto put in helpfully.
“It's like, well...” Jack struggled for a good way to explain the situation. “Okay, you have those things, don't you? Gadgets that are like electronic pets and it the kids stop feeding them they die, right?”
Gwen nodded.
“Well, think of these as an alien version of those, only they animate whatever they are connected to and if they don't get fed they go on a murderous rampage.”
Owen shook his head. “We're hunting evil snowmen that are possessed by alien tamagotchis... Just when you think Torchwood couldn't get any weirder...”
Jack laughed. “Wait until I tell you about their video games...”
Tosh looked up from her laptop. “Please don't.” she asked.
“Okay,” broke in Ianto, attempting to drag the conversation back to the subject at hand. “So how to we kill them?” he asked.
“Smash the tech.” Jack replied, turning a sharp corner and causing Gwen to drop the mint humbug she'd been unwrapping.
“The eyes?”
“Or the buttons, whatever.”
Gwen fumbled under the passenger seat for her sweet. “How do we get close enough to them?” she asked. “I'm guessing we can't just shoot them with tranquilisers.”
“We lure them close enough to hit them with the tazers.” replied Jack, “That should melt the snow and leave the tech.”
“LURE them?” asked Owen, “How the hell do you LURE snowmen anywhere?”
Ianto opened his mouth, but Owen cut him off before he could speak. “If you suggest carol-singing, Teaboy, I'll throw you out of the car.”
Ianto wisely shut his mouth.
“I don't like this one bit.” said Owen as he hid behind the large inflatable Santa that was still in someone's front garden. He fiddled with his tazer.
Ianto glanced away from the park across the road. “Well personally, if any one of us is going to stand in the middle of a deserted park acting as bait for murderous snowmen who have a habit of ripping people's faces off, I think Jack is probably the right choice.”
Owen frowned. “That isn't the bit of the plan I didn't like.” he replied grumpily. “I don't like the part of the plan where we fire tazers at the damn things. They're bloody snowmen and Jack wants us to fire a couple of volts into them? Last I heard, water and electricity don't mix.”
Ianto looked back towards the park. Jack was faintly visible through the trees, but he couldn't yet see the snowmen. “You're wearing rubber soled shoes.” he said with a nod at Owen's footwear.
“Just stay off the grass and you should be fine... Unless, you know, they rip you limb from limb first.”
There was a short pause between the two men, broken only by Tosh's status report crackling over their comms.
“Go on then.” Owen said finally.
“Go on then what?”
“You've been in a mood since Christmas,” Owen pointed out, “Even I noticed. What's up?”
“I don't really think this is either the time or place for a heartfelt chat about my feelings, Owen.” Ianto replied, rolling his eyes. “But if you're still interested when we get home, I'll pick up some wine and a tub of ice-cream and we could go back to mine for a girlie film and a sleepover.”
“Ianto!”
“We could braid each other's hair and talk about boys!”
“Ianto! Shut up! They're here!”
Ianto snapped back round, following Owen's pointing finger. Jack was backing away from a group of large snowmen. Ianto could make out a few details, and even from this distance he could see that their eyes were slightly too shiny to be coal.
Ianto swore and tapped his earpiece. “They're here!” he called to Gwen and Tosh who were hiding at the other end of the park. “We're moving in.”
Ianto and Owen broke cover and ran towards Jack, holding their tazers out at arms length. The snowmen now had Jack backed up against one of the trees that lined the path to the duckpond. One of them had a cheery red scarf on and twigs for arms. It was reaching towards Jack. From across the park he could hear Gwen and Tosh shouting as they ran towards them, but Ianto could only concentrate on Jack and the snowman with the red scarf. He pointed the tazer and fired. The two contacts shot out on their wires and embedded themselves into the snowman's back.
The snowman exploded quietly, showering Jack, Ianto and the remaining creatures with water and ice. Jack looked up, surprised, before bringing his foot down hard on the black pieces of tech lying in the folds of the faintly charred scarf. Ianto heard the sound of several other tazers discharging and the moist thump of the remaining four snowmen liquidising.
As Owen smashed the remaining alien tech, Jack clapped Ianto hard on the back. “Well done!” he said, smiling widely. “Quick thinking.”
Ianto managed a small grin in return.
“So...” continued Jack when he realised Ianto wasn't going to reply. “That's got to go into the books as one of the more ridiculous things I've ever done for Torchwood.” he stuck his hands into his coat pockets, “And that's including the time with the strippergram and the bucket of treacle...” Jack stopped for a moment to consider that, a slightly dreamy look on his face. “Not that that wasn't fun, of course...”
Ianto shot him a look.
Jack shook himself, “Anyway, we're almost done with the clean-up and it's still pretty early. How about I give us both the rest of the night off and we go check out that new Thai place in town?”
Ianto sighed theatrically. A part of him was almost tempted to say 'no' just for the look on Jack's face and a perverse sense of pettymindedness, but he decided against it. Jack DID seem to be trying, even if he didn't have a clue as to what he had done to make Ianto cross with him, and besides, the restaurant HAD looked quite nice.
“Okay,” he said finally.
Jack's smile grew even wider, if that was even possible. “Brilliant.” he said happily, “I'll ask Tosh to keep an eye on the Hub for the night if you fancy going back to your flat for a nightcap.”
Ianto considered this carefully. He knew what Jack's idea of a nightcap would consist of, but he hadn't quite decided if Jack had earned that right yet.
“We'll see.” Ianto replied finally.
Jack arched an enquiring eyebrow, but didn't reply.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six pairs of chopsticks…
December 31
“Owen, that’s yours.” Rhys picked up the beer as the waiter put it down on the only part of the table he could reach, and passed it along to Owen. “That’s mine. Another bottle of wine for the ladies, and a posh fizzy water for Jack.”
“Well, it’s a celebration!” Jack joked, passing the empties back up to the waiter.
Ianto poured wine for Gwen and for himself before passing the bottle along for Tosh, glad that Owen hadn’t noticed that Rhys had accidentally included Ianto in “ladies”.
“Pass the seaweed, will you?” Ianto obligingly moved the seaweed from its spot between Gwen and Rhys and put it in front of Owen.
“Don’t eat too much, Owen.” Gwen nagged. “This is only the first course!”
“Sorry Mum.” Owen rolled his eyes and Rhys smothered a laugh. “Anyway, the speed of the service in here it’ll be a while before the next one shows up.”
The Magic Wok was absolutely packed. Torchwood had a corner table, and were about as far from the kitchen and bar as it was possible to get. Their waiter had to fight past the rest of the customers, fielding requests as he went, every time he brought them food or drink.
“It’s got good atmosphere, though.” Tosh said, fiddling with her wine glass.
“Yeah. Good choice, Gwen.” Jack saluted Gwen with his mineral water, stealing the last of the mini spring rolls from the starter platter as he did so.
Gwen headed for the toilets when the waiter came to clear the first course, and Jack immediately stole her seat, sliding in between Rhys and Ianto.
“Change of scene.” He announced.
“Good idea.” Ianto replied, in the first direct response he’d made to Jack all evening.
“Tosh, swap with me?” There was a split second while Tosh worked out that she was still going to be sitting next to Owen, just on his other side, and then she agreed, gathering her wine glass, chopsticks and handbag.
“What’s going on?” Gwen returned to the table just as Rhys was transferring her bits and pieces to what had been Jack’s place.
“Mixing things up a bit.”
“Okay.” Gwen slide into her new seat, and then looked puzzled. “But we’re all sitting next to the same people, just at the other ends of the table…”
Jack looked delighted. “Let’s move again, then. Ianto, you swap with Rhys…”
“No, don’t worry about it, Jack.” Owen said. “The crispy duck is here.”
“So.” Gwen started, once everybody had their food. “What are everybody’s New Year Resolutions?”
Owen rolled his eyes, but Gwen carried on without seeing him. “I’m going to lose weight, for the wedding.” She smiled at Rhys.
“I’m going to be braver about going for what I want.” Tosh announced, glancing sideways at Owen, who was pulling faces at Gwen.
“Owen?” Gwen glared at him. “What about you?”
“I don’t know. Concentrate on pulling a better class of bird. No need to let my standards slip, is there?”
“More wine, Tosh?” Ianto held up the bottle and she slid her glass gratefully towards him.
“How about you, Ianto?” Gwen held out her glass as well and he topped it up.
“Be honest with myself. Stop kidding myself something’s going to work out when it won’t.”
There was an awkward pause while everybody came to different conclusions as to what he was referring to.
“I’m going to quit smoking.” Rhys announced, to break the tension.
“You don’t smoke!” Gwen pointed out.
Rhys leant back in his chair, looking pleased. “Job done, then!”
By the time the duck was cleared, the wine bottle was empty again. After trying in vain to catch the attention of any of the staff, Ianto and Owen braved a trip to the bar.
“What’s Jack done to piss you off then?” Owen asked, planting an elbow on the bar and waiting to get served.
“What are you talking about?”
“Come off it mate, you’ve barely even looked at him all night. If you two are going to fall out, I want to know that it’s not going to be awkward at work.”
“It’s nothing.”
Owen took the hint and dropped the subject, at least until they were making their way back across the room with the drinks.
“Jack’s pinched my seat.” He observed. “I think he wants to sit next to you.”
Ianto just sighed. Owen grinned and reached the table first.
“Oh, are we swapping again?” He put the beers on the table and dropped in Ianto’s empty seat. “Rhys, you should move down one. You’ve been sat with Gwen all night.”
“Okay.” Rhys, oblivious to any ulterior motives, slid along one place to sit next to Tosh. Ianto put the wine bottle down and passed the mineral water down to Jack, sitting down between Gwen and Rhys and smiling across the table at Owen as he noted that he was, once again, as far from Jack as it was possible to get.
“What time is it?” Tosh peered at her watch, but the numbers were all moving around and it only appeared to have one hand.
“Five to.” Rhys told her. “Have some more wine.”
“Champagne.” Jack corrected, as the water put six flutes on the table and started to pour.
“Where’s Ianto gone?”
“He went off towards the toilets about five minutes ago.” Gwen replied. “You okay, Tosh?”
“Yes.” Tosh replied feverantly, raised her wine glass. “Absolutely.”
“I think we should move again.” Gwen decided. “Jack, come out of there and let Tosh sit where you are. I’ll take Tosh’s seat and you can have mine.” This would put Jack next to Ianto, so he agreed and helped to Tosh to slide in next to Owen.
Jack picked up a glass of champagne and looked over towards the toilets, then glanced at his watch.
“He’ll be back in time, don’t worry.” Gwen reassured him, just as the maître d’ called everybody’s attention to the big clock above the bar. Most of the customers got to their feet to join in the countdown, and Jack searched the crowd for Ianto.
Ianto emerged from the corridor to the toilets just as they started to count. With this many people in the way he probably wasn’t going to get to his champagne before midnight.
“Ten! Nine! Eight”
He circumnavigated a group of middle-aged women, deciding that he wanted to be a little further from their speculative glances before the clock struck.
“Seven! Six! Five!”
There was a large family group in the middle of the room, and Ianto realised that he wasn’t going to get past them or the party who looked like a rugby team, and ducked back to the bar to pick up one of the unclaimed glasses of champagne.
“Four! Three!”
And there was Jack, pushing effortlessly past the rugby players and stepping around the inebriated grandmother, making a direct path to Ianto.
“Two! One!”
As the chimes of Big Ben played out from the little television set over the bar, Ianto found himself pinned up against a pillar, being expertly kissed by the man he’d been avoiding all night.
He only held out for a few seconds before he was kissing back with as much passion as Jack was putting into the moment, both of them oblivious to the rest of the restaurant destroying Auld Lang Syne.
They did eventually make it back to the table, where Tosh was looking flustered and pleased, to reclaim their champagne. Jack kept one hand on Ianto at all times.
“You two made up then?” Rhys asked, tipping the last of the champagne into his glass and knocking it back.
“What?” asked Jack, in a misguided attempt to protect Ianto. “We hadn’t fallen out.”
Ianto didn’t answer, as his mobile rang in his jacket pocket. Owen passed the whole jacket to Ianto, who answered his phone and headed for the door.
“Ianto?” Jack asked.
“It’s too noisy in here.” Rhys told him, loudly. “Gwen’s outside on the phone to her mum. Can’t hear a thing indoors.”
Jack had already settled the bill for the meal, so he let Owen persuade him to get another round of drinks in while Ianto was outside.
Gwen had returned to the table by the time they got back with the handfuls of shot glasses Owen had insisted were a good idea.
“Is Ianto all right?” she asked.
“Yes. I think so. Why?” Jack put down the drinks he was carrying and Owen arranged them into lines.
“He’s gone home.” Gwen told him. “Said he’d see us tomorrow.”
Jack frowned and reached for his coat, then stopped. If Ianto had wanted him to follow… He turned his attention to Owen, who had finished lining up the glasses and was sitting down again, patiently repeating the correct sequence for a tequila slammer to Tosh, who didn’t appear to be following what he was saying.
“Right.” Jack pasted on a grin. “How does this work?”
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven missing people…
January 01
When Tosh wandered into the Hub on January the first, it seemed as though she was the only one there. She eyed the coffee machine warily, but eventually decided that she was probably safer with a cup of fruit tea.
As she stirred the tea, thinking back over the events of the previous night, she became aware of a crackling noise interspersed with occasional voices. She cocked her head to the side, trying to determine the source of the noise.
Jack's office. Of course it would be Jack's office, especially after Ianto had snuck off after the meal.
She peered round the door. Jack was leaning back in his chair, eyes closed and hands tucked behind his head. He was wearing the same outfit as he had been the night before. The crackling was coming from a box on his desk that looked like a piece of military hardware from World War Two.
Tosh coughed.
Jack cracked one eye open and fumbled for the volume control on the box.
“I didn't expect to see you here so early.” he said, sitting up straighter in his chair.
Tosh perched on the corner of Jack's desk, sipping her tea. “Well, you know me, best way to get rid of my hangover - work my way through it!”
Jack laughed. “Do you think that would work on Owen? Think how much extra work he could get done!”
Tosh smiled in return. “Unfortunately, I think only a large fry-up works on Owen's hangovers, sorry.”
Jack nodded at Tosh's teacup. “Ianto's not in then?” he asked.
“No. Only me. I don't think the others will be in for a while, not after last night! What are you doing in here, anyway?”
Jack pointed at the box, “Listening to the police radio.”
“Oh. Anything interesting?”
Jack shrugged. “A couple of people have been reported missing, and some idiot fell in the bay.”
Tosh giggled.
The radio sprang into life again, the voice reporting another missing person.
Jack frowned. “That's four now.” he said, “All young people who haven't come home from a party.”
“That's not unusual, surely.” Tosh pointed out. “They're probably still sleeping off the night on a friend's sofa... Or... Well, you know...”
Jack shook his head. “I don't think so. They were all last seen in the same bar.”
“Do you really think this is our sort of case?” Tosh asked.
Jack shrugged. “Maybe not, but could you check the police records for me? See if there's any other reports? From the Tiger Bar in town.”
Tosh nodded, “No problem.”
By the time Gwen and Owen had rolled in to work, Tosh had found another three missing people reported by anxious parents and partners.
“They were all last seen in the same bar,” she explained. “Attending a New Year's party that was being held there. It wasn't an invitation only do, so we don't have a list of any other people who were there.”
Owen yawned loudly. “So why are we so sure that they're not all ringing in the new year in someone else's bed?” he asked.
Tosh bit her lip. “That could be true,” she conceded, “but seven of them? All of whom happened to go to the same bar? I've gone through the police reports, and there aren't any other missing people from last night.”
“Except one.” put in Owen, scratching his cheek. Everyone looked at him.
Owen gestured at the boardroom with a free hand. “Any one seen Ianto this morning?” he asked.
“He's not picking up his phone.” Jack said with a worried expression, snapping his mobile shut.
“I'm sure he's just overslept.” Gwen said kindly. “He didn't look as though he was going to party all night with a bunch of strangers when he left, did he?”
Jack sighed, but didn't look all that convinced.
“Why don't you go and check on him?” Gwen suggested. “We'll go and check out the bar.”
Jack had grabbed his coat and was out the door before Gwen could say anything else.
The Tiger Bar was a trendy establishment on a side street, done up in eye-searing shades of orange and brown. Owen eyed it suspiciously.
“Yeah, okay, so maybe the Tea Boy didn't come here after all.”
“I think Rhys came here for a works do.” Gwen mused. “Not really his thing.”
“Is there going to be anyone here?” asked Owen. “It's not exactly the right time.”
Tosh pointed at the smaller door off to the left of the main entrance to the bar. “The manager lives upstairs.” she said. “He should be in.”
Gwen nodded and walked over to the door, pressing the button on the intercom. Tosh tapped a few buttons on her PDA, and Owen examined a flyer for an evening of 'Funky House and Dub'. He decided he would probably give that one a miss.
The man who opened the door was slightly older than Gwen had been expecting.
“Mr Kemp?” she asked, holding up her old police ID. The man nodded. “We'd like to ask you a few questions.”
Mr Kemp blinked slowly and looked from Gwen to Tosh and Owen. “Come on then.” he said, holding the door open. “I knew you'd be along to ask your questions.”
Gwen frowned. Kemp had a rather odd accent that was hard to place.
Kemp's flat was painted in a rather soothing shade of green and light blue. Gwen supposed that working around all that orange, brown and chrome he would need something calmer to come home to. Kemp pulled out a chair from his dining table and sat down.
Gwen took a deep breath. Tosh and Owen were sneakily scanning the flat. “I'm D.I Cooper...” she began.
“No you're not.” replied Kemp immediately.
Gwen was momentarily thrown. She could see Owen and Tosh freeze from out of the corner of her eye.
“You're from Torchwood.” Kemp continued. “They're all here.”
“Ummm...” Gwen mumbled, unsure of how to continue.
“All the people who have been reported missing. They're all here.”
Gwen tried to work out which of the several questions she had to ask first. “Did you... uh, kidnap them?”
“No. It was all an accident.” Kemp sighed. “I suppose it doesn't matter now... Look, I'm not here to cause any problems. It's a nice planet. I don't want to leave.”
Several other questions occurred to Gwen. “You're an alien?!”
Kemp nodded.
“What was an accident?” asked Owen, stepping forward, one hand on his gun tucked into his waistband.
“All those people.” Kemp said, “I'd had a bit too much to drink. I bought the wrong bottle up from the cellar. I didn't mean to!”
“Didn't mean to WHAT?” asked Gwen, feeling confused.
“Let's just say that Jaltanian Brandy has a rather unusual effect on you Humans.” he said with a pained smile.
“You gave people alien alcohol?” Tosh asked.
“Not on purpose!” complained Kemp. “I only turned my back for a moment, and one of the bar staff had started serving it to people. I had to bring them up here by the back stairs and leave them in the spare bedroom.”
“Can we see them?” asked Gwen.
Owen held up a hand. “Probably not a good idea.” he said. “Jack found a bottle of that Brandy a few years ago. He was cleaning up the mess for days.”
“So what are we going to do?” Gwen asked.
Tosh shrugged. “Leave them here. They'll be alright in a few more hours. They won't remember a thing. Mr Kemp can clean up his own mess.”
“But...” started Gwen.
“Believe me, you don't want to be anywhere near that room.” said Tosh with a faintly disgusted look on her face. “We'll have to add you to our list of resident aliens though, Mr Kemp.”
“And you'd probably be better off pouring the rest of that bottle away.” added Owen, pulling out his PDA. “We've just got a few questions for you before we leave.”
Jack raced quickly round to Ianto's flat, constantly re-dialling his number. No-one picked up.
He had a momentary flash of guilt as he picked the lock of the doors to Ianto's flat, but decided that checking on Ianto's safety was much more important than the young man's privacy.
There was a newspaper spread out on the coffee table, but it was dated from the day before. Other than that, the only obvious signs of Ianto having been there was the empty coffee mug soaking in the sink. The bed didn't look as though it had been slept in, but Jack was used to Ianto making the bed before he left for work, so he didn't let himself get any more worried than he already was.
Owen was on question 134c (Are you, or have you ever been a member of the Intergalactic Communist Party?) when Tosh's comm beeped. She tapped her earpiece and sidled off into a corner as Kemp muttered something about a club at University. Owen listened to Tosh's conversation with half an ear.
“Ianto!” she said happily. “Where have you been? Jack's so worried!”
There was a pause before Tosh continued. “No, people have been going missing. Jack's gone to your flat to look for you... You must have missed each other.”
Owen wrote a few notes on his PDA before going on to the set of questions about Kemp's access to hyperspace engines.
“Well, yes. I think you should call him!” Tosh said, urgently. “God only knows what Jack thinks has happened to you!”
When Jack's comm unit beeped, he almost punched himself in the ear with the speed of trying to answer the call.
“Ianto?” he asked.
“Hello Jack.”
Jack sagged with relief. “Where the hell have you been?” he demanded.
“I overslept.” Ianto replied simply. “Tosh told me about all those people who've gone missing. She said it's all been sorted out and they'll meet you back at the Hub.”
Jack didn't quite know what to say. Eventually he decided on: “I was so worried about you.”
He heard Ianto's deep intake of breath, and waited for the reply.
“Come back to the Hub, Jack.” Ianto said finally. “I'll make you a cup of coffee...”
Twelve Days - part 2
Author Name: plotbunniesinc
Original Prompt Number: 38
Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto, minor Gwen/Rhys, possibly Tosh/Owen but only when nobody’s looking.
Summary: December 25th didn’t go quite as Ianto had hoped… can Jack fix it before Christmas is over?
Rating: Rish
Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Torchwood.
Warnings: Several rude words. (Tut Tut...)
Word Count: c.17400
Author's Notes: This was both great fun, and at times quite tricky to write. Hope it works alright, and apologies in advance to thisbedear because the fic couldn't be made to count back to Boxing Day without giving the end away - you get it in chronological rather than reverse order instead!
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a silly miscommunication.
December 26th - Boxing Day
When Jack woke up and rolled over there seemed to be something vital missing, but he was a little too fuzzy to work out what it was for a few seconds.
Finally, it clicked. “Ianto?”
Jack levered himself upright and glanced around the small room. Ianto was nowhere to be seen, but the lights on his miniature Christmas tree had been switched off. He leant over and peered into the bathroom, but Ianto wasn't in there either.
Jack scratched his head, and dragged himself out of bed, smiling to himself. Ianto had gotten up to make coffee. Was there anything better than spending a fabulous Christmas with someone you love and then waking up on Boxing Day to a freshly brewed cup of the finest coffee known to man?
He pulled on a fresh T-shirt and yesterday's trousers and hoisted himself up the ladder.
Despite the fact that he adored Ianto's coffee, he had been deprived of his morning kiss, and was determined to rectify that immediately.
The blinds in his office were still closed, but he could hear movement in the Hub. A glance at the clock on his desk told him it wasn’t even eight o’clock yet, so Jack revised his plan for a kiss into something more detailed which involved carrying Ianto back to bed, literally if necessary, and pushed open the door.
“Morning, Jack!”
“Tosh.” Jack stopped at the top of the stairs.
“Good Christmas?”
“Yeah.” Jack couldn’t stop the grin which spread across his face. “You?”
“Yeah.” Tosh nodded, although her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Where’s Ianto?”
Tosh frowned. “I haven’t seen him. I thought he was…” she waved a hand in the general direction of Jack’s office and looked vaguely embarrassed.
Jack grinned at the implication. “Nope. He woke up before me.” he said, crossing the Hub to Tosh's workstation. He picked up an abandoned paper hat and put it on at an appropriately jaunty angle.
Tosh glanced at him. The smile seemed to be a little more genuine this time. “So where is he?” she asked.
Jack shrugged. “I guess he must have gone home for a bit.” he said thoughtfully, “But he didn't leave a note, and he's got a few days worth of clothes still here.”
Tosh opened a complicated-looking programme on her computer and started typing.
“He's probably gone to visit relatives.” she said distractedly, peering at the screen. “He probably told you yesterday.”
Jack frowned. “I don’t think so. He went to see his family on Christmas Eve. He didn’t say anything about…”
Come to think of it, Ianto hadn’t said much about anything yesterday. Jack shook his head.
“Think we should risk operating the coffee machine ourselves?”
Tosh looked doubtful. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Ah, come on. If Ianto’s not here…”
“I’d still know.”
Jack spun round. “Ianto! Where were you?”
Ianto held up the four pint container of milk in answer. “Morning, Tosh.” He dodged Jack and disappeared towards the kitchen.
Jack stared after him for a moment, before deciding that the opportunity of cornering Ianto in the kitchen was preferable to standing by Tosh's desk and watching her type.
“Ianto?” Jack asked, peering round the corner at the young man by the coffee machine.
Ianto didn't reply.
“I wondered where you were when I woke up.” Jack continued, “The bed was all cold and lonely...”
“I went to get milk.” Ianto said without turning round. “I knew you'd want coffee.”
“I would've preferred to wake up next to you.” Jack replied, moving closer.
“And I preferred to get up and get some milk while there was still some left in the shops.”
Jack sighed. His paper hat slipped further over one eye. He pulled it off and draped it over the top of the coffee machine. Ianto snatched it away immediately, crumpling it into a ball and throwing it in the nearby rubbish bin.
“Don't touch the coffee machine.” he reprimanded.
Jack took another step forwards and rested his hands on Ianto’s waist. “Do I still get a good morning kiss?”
Ianto pressed a button on the machine and the kitchen was filled with the sound of grinding beans. Jack persisted, sliding even closer to Ianto and pressing a kiss just below his ear.
“-nd look at this?” The grinder stopped in time for them to hear the end of Tosh’s query.
“What was that?” Jack called, not letting go of Ianto.
“Could you come and look at this? I’m picking up some rather odd readings.”
Ianto twisted quickly and planted a swift kiss on Jack’s lips. “Go on then.” He pushed
Jack towards the door and returned his attention to the coffee. Jack watched him for a moment with a puzzled expression, and went to see what Tosh had found.
The piece of debris from the spaceship had come down in a field just outside of Cardiff, and Jack had volunteered to go and pick it up, since Tosh was busy with her computations and Ianto had simply glared at him and reminded him that he had already been outside once already that morning.
Jack had only been gone from the Hub for five minutes when Tosh sidled up to Ianto as he was sorting out a pile of paperwork that needed to be sent to UNIT the previous week.
She put a mince pie next to the cup of coffee on the desk and stood hovering beside him. Ianto lasted a whole minute before he gave in.
“Is there something you wanted?” he asked, carefully separating a pile of incorrectly filled-out expense forms from a surprisingly graphic stick figure doodle of the Defence Minister.
Tosh sighed. “What's wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing.” Ianto told her, putting the expense forms to one side and scanning through the UNIT documents to check that Jack had completed them properly. “Post Christmas blues?”
Tosh just looked at him. Ianto sighed. “I guess I was just expecting too much. Built it all up too much, you know? Christmas is for kids anyway. How was your day, really?”
“I spoke to my cousin and his family on Christmas Eve. It just reminds me how far away they are and how different everything is…” she stopped and glared at him. “Stop changing the subject. What happened?”
Ianto’s shoulders slumped. “It’s stupid really.”
“What is?”
Ianto shuffled a few more papers around the desk before sighing loudly. “Jack didn't get me anything for Christmas.” he admitted finally. “See. I told you it was stupid.”
“I don't think it's that stupid at all.” replied Tosh, leaning up against the desk.
“I mean, we had a really nice day.” Ianto continued. “It was... surprisingly relaxing, you know, breakfast in bed. Crap telly. Watched 'The Great Escape', the usual. Jack even tried making dinner... I don't know why I'm upset at all, really.”
Tosh bit her lip and fidgeted with the empty mug in her hands. “Did you get him something?” she asked.
Ianto nodded but didn’t answer or meet her eyes.
“Something that you put a lot of effort into?” Tosh continued.
Ianto shrugged, which Tosh correctly interpreted to mean that he had.
“It’s just a stupid thing. I shouldn’t be so bothered by it.”
“Are you going to tell Jack?”
“No!” Ianto said quickly. “It'd be… pathetic. ‘I’m angry because you didn’t buy me a present’? How shallow is that? Anyway, Christmas isn’t supposed to be about presents, is it? Not really...” He picked up the neat stacks of papers. “No, I’m just going to have to pull myself together.” He balanced the mince pie on top of the papers and smiled at her.
“Thanks, though.”
Jack glanced over his shoulder at the lump of metal on the back seat. It was glowing faintly, but Jack knew from experience that it was a harmless piece of the spaceship's waste ejection pod. Useful, but the craft would easily make it to a nearby spaceport without it.
He pulled over into a lay-by and dug out his mobile phone. He'd spent all Christmas day with Ianto, and hadn't had a chance to make this call before.
The phone picked up on the fourth ring.
“Hullo?”
“Hey, it's me.” Jack replied, smiling. “Have you thought about what I asked you the other week?”
“The other week?”
Jack sighed. “Alright then, the last time I phoned you.”
There was a brief pause. Jack could hear the flipping of diary pages. “Ah. Yes. I remember. I'm having a bit of a problem with keeping my timeline linear. When are you?”
Jack bit back a sarcastic comment. “It's Boxing day.” he said, “You said you'd come round after Christmas.”
There was another pause. “Umm... Which Christmas are we talking about again?” The Doctor asked finally.
“2007.”
“Ah. Of course... Well, umm... Yes... It's just that the Selaxian Empire is due to collapse and I think I should head over. You know, keep an eye out.”
“You mean meddle, don't you?”
“Of course not.” The Doctor replied huffily. “I just want to see the Royal Palace before it's set on fire.”
Jack made a non-committal noise. “You have a time machine.” he pointed out.
“I have a time machine with only one pilot.” The Doctor muttered. “Look, I'll get there as soon as I can.”
“You'd better. I want to surprise Ianto, and I think he might be getting cross with me.”
“Thanks, Ianto.” Tosh leant back in her chair and smiled at him across the table. “This was a great idea.”
Ianto smiled back. “It’s going on expenses. Jack’s always trying to get things through as ‘staff morale’ - I think this counts.”
Tosh glanced around the sushi bar. “I think so.”
“Do you think we should call Jack?”
“No.” Tosh shook her head. “Serves him right if he’s sitting in the Hub on his own now, wondering where we are. If he’s going to be thoughtless at Christmas, we don’t have to include him. And if Gwen and Owen don’t even have to come into work, we can certainly take a long lunch break!”
Jack had almost completed Gwen's abandoned book of crossword puzzles when Ianto and Tosh finally returned. He leant back on his chair and peered into the main Hub at the sound of the cog door whirring open.
Ianto was wearing his nice black wool coat, and had a striped scarf that Jack couldn't remember seeing before draped over his shoulders. Tosh was laughing and Ianto was smiling broadly..
“...And then the dog said 'I get the deal with the mango, but who's this James Bond guy, anyway?'...”
Tosh giggled loudly, covering her mouth with her hands.
Jack raised an eyebrow. “You've gotta tell me that joke sometime, Ianto.” he called.
Tosh stopped laughing. “I'll, umm... Go and check those co-ordinates against the list in the archives then...” she mumbled, taking off her coat and draping it over the back of her chair.
“Where’ve you been, then?” Jack asked.
“Out for lunch.” Ianto hung up his coat and unwound his scarf. “Alien debris retrieval go okay?”
“I would have liked to come out for lunch…”
Ianto paused, and then shrugged. “I suppose that was thoughtless of us.” There was an edge to the statement that Jack couldn’t miss.
Jack tried to ignore it. "Well, you'll just have to make it up to me later." he said with a grin. "Dinner later?"
Ianto blinked. "I'll have to make it up to you?"
Jack frowned. "Well, not if you don't want to."
"I went out for lunch with Tosh, Jack." Ianto checked over his shoulder to make sure that Tosh was safely down in the archives. "She had a miserable Christmas, and we went out for lunch without you. Why would I owe you for that?"
Jack got the feeling that the conversation was slipping away from him. "All I'm saying is that I would have liked to have come with you, Ianto. I mean, I was on my way back..."
"Maybe we'd rather have lunch without you." Ianto snapped. The statement took him by surprise. He hadn't intended to say it, hadn't realised that he meant it until that moment.
Still, it was out now.
Blinking, Jack sank back in his chair. "Okay then..." he said, feeling startled. "You can have lunch with anyone you like... I'll, just... go through the reports for UNIT."
Ianto was still distracted by the thought that, actually, he and Tosh had had a much better time at lunch without Jack there to be the centre of attention. "They're in your in-tray." He replied absent mindedly. "You need to sign the ones with post-it notes on, and the first four still need your comments."
Jack picked up the top piece of paper and read through it quickly. "I don't even remember this happening."
"Maybe if you paid a bit more attention..." Ianto muttered, heading for the door.
Jack sighed, and gave up. Hopefully Ianto would be in a better mood when he had finished the paperwork.
Ianto stopped in the kitchen, wondering what had just happened. It was one thing to enjoy lunch without Jack, it was another thing entirely to actually TELL him that.
Somehow, all the good that Tosh had done in making him feel better had been undone by a few moments conversation with Jack.
In the hope of getting back to his usual, controlled self, Ianto pulled the box of cleaning equipment out from under the sink and went to take out his frustrations on the shower room.
Jack finished the last comment, feeling quite proud of himself. He hadn't even used half the rude names he'd been saving up for the occasion.
Now, he thought, it was time to find Ianto and attempt to explain - or distract. He didn't want him finding out about the trip he had planned.
He discovered Ianto in the large changing room next to the main archives. Jack leant up against the doorframe and admired the pleasant view in front of him. After several minutes, Ianto seemed to notice that he was being watched and sat up, glancing over at Jack.
“How long have you been there without offering to help?” he demanded.
“How long have you been scrubbing the floor on Boxing Day?” Jack countered. “It's supposed to be a holiday, you know.”
Ianto sighed, and dropped the brush back into the bucket.
“That doesn’t make the floor any cleaner.” He looked up at Jack, but didn’t bother standing up. “Anyway, it’s traditional to clean on Boxing day… in my family at least.”
“Really?” Jack didn’t sound convinced.
“My mother liked everything to be spotless… and we always had a big Christmas, all the family were there - my Dad used to say that if we hadn’t tidied up there was a real danger of losing one of the smaller children under a drift of wrapping paper.”
Jack smiled at the image. “That’s a lot of wrapping paper!”
“There were a lot of presents…”
“Hey, at least we haven’t made extra mess for Christmas.”
Ianto stared at him, wondering if Jack thought that was a genuine positive point.
Apparently he did.
“Might have been nice…” he said quietly, returning his attention to the floor.
“Well, if you’d like something to unwrap…”
Ianto glanced up again. Typical Jack to wait, do things differently…
“Tosh has gone home. You could come upstairs and unwrap me, if you like!”
“Unwrap…you?”
Jack grinned at him. “What more could anybody want for Christmas?”
Ianto sighed and stood up.
“Actually, Jack, I think I’m going to go home.” He picked up the bucket and walked out, leaving Jack standing alone in the changing rooms looking confused.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two hostile threats…
December 27
Gwen ran out of the flat as soon as the SUV pulled up.
“God, it’s cold!” she gasped as she pulled the door shut behind her. “What’s the emergency?”
“Something’s running around Penylan scaring the locals.” Owen told her.
“What sort of something?”
“We’re not entirely sure.” Tosh admitted over the comm link. Gwen could hear frantic typing. “We can’t match it to any of our records.”
“The police had had seven complaints by eight thirty.” Jack told her, taking a right turn at slightly too high a speed. “Whatever it is, it’s not subtle.”
“Bloody…” Owen stared at the lamppost in disbelief. “Is that…?”
The lamppost had been broken off about three feet from the ground. The top part of the post was missing. “Are those…?”
“Teeth marks.” Jack confirmed.
“Can I have a bigger gun?”
“We’re going for a kill rather than a capture.” Jack sorted through the selection of weapons. “This thing has gone through three lampposts, two litter bins and a post box. I don’t think it’s going to sit quiet in the back of the SUV.”
“Jack…” Tosh interrupted. “Check the laptop. You need to see this.”
“What is it?” Jack walked around to the back seat of the SUV and leant into the vehicle.
“There’s more than one. Look at the heat signals.” Tosh had sent them a map of the surrounding streets, which were scattered with yellow dots. “And whatever they are, they’re BIG. Just look at the amount of heat they’re giving off.”
While Jack was going through the data and talking to Tosh, Gwen sidled up to Owen.
“Where’s Ianto this morning? If we’ve got large unknown hostiles surely we should have as many of us as possible working on this?”
Owen shrugged. “I don’t know. Tosh is on comms, Ianto’s doing I-don’t-know-what back in the Hub and if Jack’s not asking either of them to pick up a gun and help us then I’m not getting involved.”
“But…”
“Hey, you two! Stop chatting, grab a gun and follow me!”
“Bloody Hell. Those are what I call teeth…!” Owen whistled.
“Thank you, Owen, that’s really helpful.” Jack crouched behind somebody’s garden wall, pulling Owen down next to him.
The alien was about twelve feet away. It was making a loud snuffling noise.
“And claws. Big claws…”
“Ssh!” Gwen hissed.
They all winced at a sudden metallic screeching. Jack peered over the top of wall and swore.
“Jack?” Tosh’s voice came over the comm.
“It’s just bitten clean through a lamp post.” Jack told her.
“Now what?” Owen asked, watching the eight foot monster loping away down the street.
“Follow it.” Jack leapt to his feet and set off in pursuit.
Gwen and Owen exchanged glances.
“It’s carrying a lamp post.”
“I can see that.”
“In its TEETH.”
Owen shrugged. “Come on.”
“Oh, that’s not good.” Jack tapped his comm. “Ianto? Have you got the images I sent through to Toshiko?”
“Yes sir.”
“I need you to cross reference it with the databases. I’m sure we’ve got records on this thing…”
“I’m on it.”
“Jack, is that…?” Gwen stared at the alien, which was now carefully adding the lamp post to a pile of twisted metal. It snarled, and there was an answering wail.
“That’s a nest.” Jack pulled Gwen behind a tree as the alien turned and loped purposefully back toward the street.
“A nest of lamp posts.” Owen stated. “And litter bins.”
“There’s a post-box, too.” Jack pointed out.
“… nesting?”
“That’s the male.” Jack gestured towards the retreating alien, and then towards the heap of metal. “The female’s inside that lot somewhere”
“Jack…” Owen frowned. “In my experience, nests usually lead to…”
Jack sighed and nodded. “Baby aliens. And if these are what I think they are, then we’re got a serious problem.”
“More serious than an eight foot slimy monster chewing through street furniture?”
Jack rolled his eyes.
“Owen, did you say it was slimy?” Ianto’s voice crackled through the comm.
“Yeah.”
“Has the slime dripped anywhere? On the road?”
“Probably. Why?”
“Go and have a look at it for me.” Ianto requested.
“Hey, Ianto, what have you found?” Jack asked. Ianto didn’t respond. Owen looked at Jack for a few moments, then shrugged and turned towards the street, keeping an eye out for the returning alien. Jack stayed by the tree, staring at the nest with a frown on his face.
“What are we going to do with them?” Gwen asked. “How do we capture them?”
Jack’s response was cut short by Owen on the comm.
“Ianto? The slime’s eaten straight through the asphalt!”
Jack swore.
Gwen looked even more worried. “What?”
“We’re DEFINITELY not capturing these. We need to wipe them out. Owen, meet us back at the SUV. We’ll need the flamethrower.” He was already striding back towards where they’d left the vehicle.
“All right! I’ve always wanted to use that thing…”
“But…” Gwen was still protesting as Jack unloaded the flamethrower. “If they’ve got young…”
“How are we going to capture them, Gwen?” Owen asked. “They eat metal and drip highly corrosive slime. Even if we COULD persuade these huge aliens to climb into the SUV with no fight, it couldn’t hold them.”
“Neither would the cells.” Jack added, passed Owen a can of petrol. “Right, let’s go.”
Gwen pulled her gun out and followed.
“My God, that’s disgusting.” Owen peeled off his jacket and dropped it into the hazardous waste bag that Ianto was holding out.
“And your jeans.” Jack said with a leer. Owen stripped out of his jeans without looking at Jack, shivering in the chill of the underground parking.
“I liked that jacket…”
“Well, if you will wear it alien-hunting, you know there’s always a risk…” Gwen chastised. Ianto caught her eye and gave her a small smile. His warning about the toxic slime, and the likelihood of the aliens exploding when they caught fire, had kept Gwen safely out of slime-range when Jack powered up the flamethrower.
She suspected that he’d deliberately left it slightly too late to warn Owen, but it struck her as odd that he evidently hadn’t bothered to warn Jack at all. Not that it had done any real damage to Jack, past melting the majority of his clothing, but surely it had actually been more complicated for Ianto to warn her separately over a private communication channel than to warn them all at once?
Gwen turned away from where Jack was making suggestive comments about the clothing situation, and headed into the Hub to find Tosh and see if she knew what was going on.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three drunk men…
December 28
“...and after she's had a bloody good go at the new sofa, her mother only turns round and starts complaining about the turkey, and I'm all 'Oi, we spent all yesterday preparing this bloody meal, so the least you can do is sit down, shut up and eat it...' Honestly, that bloody woman. If I'd have know before I proposed to Gwen... Well, I suppose I did know, but I guess it's not like I'm marrying her mother, is it? And Swansea's a way away, so she can't just drop by and start criticising everything we own anytime she wants to, is it?”
“Mmmm...”
“Phworh. Have you seen the legs on that? Nice one, love!”
“I mean, her Dad's a nice guy - he asked me out on a fishing trip once, I think he wanted to suss me out, like, find out about the bloke who was shaggin' his daughter, but I'm no fan of fishing. I get seasick in the bath, me, but maybe I should've said yes to the old codger or something, cos I get the feeling he doesn't like me neither. Not like her Uncle Denis. That guy's a barrel of laughs. Jesus, we went out for a meal for his 50th - Denis, I mean, and he had me in stitches. ”
“Yeah, I know...”
“Alright darlin', can I buy you a drink?”
“But then again, my family can't be that much of a laugh for her, I know she couldn't stand my old Nan, god bless her. Gwen didn't come to the funeral, but we'd only been going out a few months back then, so I can't really blame her. Nan was a bit of a basket case. She died pretty suddenly, but she had a tongue on her, she did. I don't think she liked the idea of Gwen being a policewoman, you know. Granddad had had a few shady contacts, like - there were always a few bits of dodgy gear in his shed... Hey, are you alright?”
“Humm... Yeah... What? Pardon?”
“Ianto, mate, are you alright? You seem a bit... off.”
“No, I'm fine.” Ianto mentally shook himself. Rhys was looking at him with a slightly concerned expression, and Owen was still determinedly trying to chat up the girl at the table next to them. “Is it my round?”
Rhys blinked, and examined his pint glass. There was about an inch left in the bottom. “I think it's Owen's, actually.” he said. “Oi! Owen! Your round!”
“Yeah, okay...” Owen sighed loudly and stood up. The girl he had been chatting to shot Rhys a grateful look and turned back to her giggling group of friends.
Rhys was silent for a moment, before folding his arms across his chest and letting out a pointed cough. “So...” he started.
Ianto mentally rolled his eyes. He'd known Rhys had been working up to this part of their evening.
“So...” Rhys said again, “Gwen asked me to take you out for a drink...”
“Humm.” Ianto agreed.
“I'm thinking it's her tactful way of trying to get us to try the whole male bonding experience.” Rhys continued. “And while I have no idea why she thought this whole thing would be made easier by inviting Owen along as well, the absence of Jack makes me think that it's him we're supposed to be talking about.”
Ianto stared at Rhys. “You're surprisingly perceptive.” he said finally.
“Hey, don't let this well-toned exterior fool you,” Rhys replied with a smile as Owen returned from the bar balancing three pints.
“Finally got around to asking Mr Mopey here about Jack then?” Owen asked, setting the glasses on the table. “That bird of yours isn't the most subtle of people, is she?” he took a large sip of his own beer and turned to Ianto. “What's your mean old boyfriend done now, eh, tea-boy?”
Ianto narrowed his eyes and reached for his drink. “Nothing.”
“Yeah, right... I know that look.”
“Just leave it, Owen.”
Owen sat back in his chair. “Buy you the wrong cleaning solution for Christmas, did he?”
Ianto didn't reply.
Rhys sighed loudly. “I think this calls for Tequila.” he said finally, glancing between the two colleagues.
“Gwen? Darling? Hello?... Yeah. What? Already? No, they're both fine... Well... I think Owen's asleep... He must be, I don't know how else Ianto would've gotten away with writing that on his forehead if he wasn't... No, it should wash off. Eventually... Look, any chance of a lift back home? I think we spent the taxi money on the last round of Screaming Orgasms... What? No, Screaming Orgasms. It's a cocktail, love... Yeah. So do you think you could come and... No, that little place by the castle... You will? Jack will? Fantastic darling... Yeah, see you at home... Love you too...”
When Jack pulled up outside the pub, Rhys had propped Owen up against a lamp-post. Ianto sat on a nearby park bench, staring morosely at the pavement. Rhys stood between the two of them with his arms dug deep into the pockets of his jeans.
“Hello,” he called as Jack opened the door of the SUV. “Thanks for coming. We stayed a bit later than planned.”
Ianto pulled himself to his feet and yanked open the car door. “We need to drop Owen off first.” He said, gesturing to the drunken medic. “I don't think the last flaming Sambucca agreed with him.”
Together the three of them manhandled Owen into the front seat of the SUV, Rhys and Ianto climbed into the back and they set off.
Rhys gave Ianto and Jack a cheery wave as he stumbled up the path to the front door of his flat, narrowly missing a light-up arrangement of reindeer.
Jack waved in return, before turning to Ianto in the back seat with a grin. “Have a good time?” he asked.
“Hummm...” Ianto murmured non-committally.
“It can't have been that bad.” Jack replied, putting the SUV in gear and pulling away.
“Yeah, it was okay...”
Jack sighed loudly. Ianto was usually more chatty than this with a few drinks in him. “Home then?” he asked, “Are you hungry? I think you've got enough leftovers for a few more turkey sandwiches...” Jack paused, but Ianto didn't reply. “...Mind you, there's always a bit more turkey left, isn't there? We'll probably still be eating it at Easter.” Jack laughed. Ianto didn't join in. “We should get a chicken next year. It'll be better for just the two of us...”
Jack tailed off into a long-winded talk about the merits of chicken versus turkey for Christmas dinner. Ianto didn't listen to much of it, but in his drunken haze, the very sound of Jack's voice was only making him crosser and crosser. He bit at his lip and stared out of the window of the SUV, watching his reflection glare back at him.
By the time they had reached Ianto's flat, Jack had started on a chapter regarding cranberry sauce and stuffing. Ianto was out of the car practically before it had even stopped, stalking up the garden path to his front door and fumbling with his keys. He had a vague idea that if he could get the door open quickly, he could get inside and shut the door in Jack's face. Unfortunately, his front door keys didn't seem to be co-operating.
“Damnnit.” Ianto yelled, as he accidentally dropped the bunch of keys into a plant pot. Jack was right behind him now, and already stooping to retrieve them. Slamming the door in his face seemed to be out of the question now.
Jack patiently opened the door to the shared hallway, holding it wide for Ianto to walk through to his own flat. Ianto sighed loudly.
“So, shall I make some tea?” Jack asked, heading to the kitchen. Ianto watched him, standing in the middle of his living room. He folded his arms, listening to Jack clatter about in his nice clean kitchen.
“Well? I could make cocoa if you prefer...” Jack poked his head round the doorframe, holding one of Ianto's best china teacups. The ones his Gran had given him. The ones he kept in the cabinet. The ones he never used. Ianto narrowed his eyes.
“THAT'S IT!” he yelled. “I'M GOING TO BED!”
Jack blinked, teacup dangling from his finger. “... or we could skip the nightcap...” he finished, a small, hopeful grin was already playing on his face.
Ianto stabbed a finger at his front door. “Out!” he ordered.
Jack looked pained. “Out?” he asked, attempting a puppy-dog expression.
“Out.” Ianto confirmed.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four coffee cups…
December 29
“Good Morning!”
Tosh leant back in her chair as Gwen breezed into the Hub. “Good morning. You’re very chirpy this morning.”
Gwen grinned. “Rhys is in a state this morning. If Owen and Ianto are anything like as bad, all I have to do is be cheerful and it pays back them back nicely - Rhys was too drunk to walk up the stairs on his own, I had to go down to the front door and practically carry him the rest of the way.”
Tosh laughed. “Owen’s not in yet, but Ianto’s working coffee magic.”
Ianto himself looked rather the worse for wear, pale with bloodshot eyes and an uncharacteristic layer of stubble, but the coffee was perfect as ever.
He handed coffee to both Gwen and Tosh, pausing as they both took a moment to inhale the steam.
“Good night last night?” Tosh asked, all innocence. Ianto rolled his eyes and retreated to the kitchen without a word.
Owen’s arrival half an hour later was rather less cheerful. He slung his new jacket on the hook and slumped on the sofa with his eyes closed. Ianto brought him a coffee without a word, and then disappeared towards the archives with his own mug.
When Jack emerged from his office five minutes later, after a particularly trying conversation with one of the Sultan of Brunei’s senior members of staff, the girls were doing a passable job of pretending to work.
“Where’s Ianto?”
“Archives.” Owen muttered, without moving or opening his eyes.
“Any coffee?”
Tosh glanced up from her computer. “Ianto’s just brought some round. Didn’t he bring you one in?”
Jack shook his head. “No. No, he didn’t…”
To anybody who wasn’t as reliant on Ianto’s coffee as the staff of Torchwood Three, Jack’s expression as he trailed back to his office would have been comical.
Gwen looked at Tosh, an expression of concern on her face.
“This is getting serious now…”
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, five cold things…
December 30
“You have GOT to be bloody joking.” Owen complained.
Jack shook his head. “I'm afraid not.” he replied with an impressively straight face.
Gwen giggled. “I think it's fun in a way,” she said with a bright smile. “Christmas and all that.”
Ianto narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on his coffee mug. “You won't think that when they start ripping people's faces off.” he said.
Gwen blinked. “They can DO that?” she asked, aghast.
Tosh nodded. “There were seven documented cases in Scotland back in '82. The photos are... disturbing.”
Gwen bit her lip and Jack coughed. “Anyway, back to the subject at hand, people. We have five sentient snowmen wandering round Merthyr Tydfil. We need to stock up on salt and head off to melt them all before they can attack anything larger than household pets.”
Owen sighed again. “Well, personally, I'm going to keep right on thinking you're joking until I see one for myself.”
Ianto pushed himself to his feet and started collecting up the mugs. “I could fetch the Scottish pictures,” he offered mildly. “They're surprisingly informative once you get past the scattered body parts and pools of blood.”
Gwen turned an odd colour.
As the SUV sped towards Merthyr, Jack explained more of the background to the case. There were several incredulous looks.
“Run that past me again.” asked Gwen, sounding confused.
“It's the coal,” Jack repeated, “For the eyes.”
“Alien coal? We're dealing with alien coal?” Gwen shook her head.
“It's not really coal.” Ianto put in helpfully.
“It's like, well...” Jack struggled for a good way to explain the situation. “Okay, you have those things, don't you? Gadgets that are like electronic pets and it the kids stop feeding them they die, right?”
Gwen nodded.
“Well, think of these as an alien version of those, only they animate whatever they are connected to and if they don't get fed they go on a murderous rampage.”
Owen shook his head. “We're hunting evil snowmen that are possessed by alien tamagotchis... Just when you think Torchwood couldn't get any weirder...”
Jack laughed. “Wait until I tell you about their video games...”
Tosh looked up from her laptop. “Please don't.” she asked.
“Okay,” broke in Ianto, attempting to drag the conversation back to the subject at hand. “So how to we kill them?” he asked.
“Smash the tech.” Jack replied, turning a sharp corner and causing Gwen to drop the mint humbug she'd been unwrapping.
“The eyes?”
“Or the buttons, whatever.”
Gwen fumbled under the passenger seat for her sweet. “How do we get close enough to them?” she asked. “I'm guessing we can't just shoot them with tranquilisers.”
“We lure them close enough to hit them with the tazers.” replied Jack, “That should melt the snow and leave the tech.”
“LURE them?” asked Owen, “How the hell do you LURE snowmen anywhere?”
Ianto opened his mouth, but Owen cut him off before he could speak. “If you suggest carol-singing, Teaboy, I'll throw you out of the car.”
Ianto wisely shut his mouth.
“I don't like this one bit.” said Owen as he hid behind the large inflatable Santa that was still in someone's front garden. He fiddled with his tazer.
Ianto glanced away from the park across the road. “Well personally, if any one of us is going to stand in the middle of a deserted park acting as bait for murderous snowmen who have a habit of ripping people's faces off, I think Jack is probably the right choice.”
Owen frowned. “That isn't the bit of the plan I didn't like.” he replied grumpily. “I don't like the part of the plan where we fire tazers at the damn things. They're bloody snowmen and Jack wants us to fire a couple of volts into them? Last I heard, water and electricity don't mix.”
Ianto looked back towards the park. Jack was faintly visible through the trees, but he couldn't yet see the snowmen. “You're wearing rubber soled shoes.” he said with a nod at Owen's footwear.
“Just stay off the grass and you should be fine... Unless, you know, they rip you limb from limb first.”
There was a short pause between the two men, broken only by Tosh's status report crackling over their comms.
“Go on then.” Owen said finally.
“Go on then what?”
“You've been in a mood since Christmas,” Owen pointed out, “Even I noticed. What's up?”
“I don't really think this is either the time or place for a heartfelt chat about my feelings, Owen.” Ianto replied, rolling his eyes. “But if you're still interested when we get home, I'll pick up some wine and a tub of ice-cream and we could go back to mine for a girlie film and a sleepover.”
“Ianto!”
“We could braid each other's hair and talk about boys!”
“Ianto! Shut up! They're here!”
Ianto snapped back round, following Owen's pointing finger. Jack was backing away from a group of large snowmen. Ianto could make out a few details, and even from this distance he could see that their eyes were slightly too shiny to be coal.
Ianto swore and tapped his earpiece. “They're here!” he called to Gwen and Tosh who were hiding at the other end of the park. “We're moving in.”
Ianto and Owen broke cover and ran towards Jack, holding their tazers out at arms length. The snowmen now had Jack backed up against one of the trees that lined the path to the duckpond. One of them had a cheery red scarf on and twigs for arms. It was reaching towards Jack. From across the park he could hear Gwen and Tosh shouting as they ran towards them, but Ianto could only concentrate on Jack and the snowman with the red scarf. He pointed the tazer and fired. The two contacts shot out on their wires and embedded themselves into the snowman's back.
The snowman exploded quietly, showering Jack, Ianto and the remaining creatures with water and ice. Jack looked up, surprised, before bringing his foot down hard on the black pieces of tech lying in the folds of the faintly charred scarf. Ianto heard the sound of several other tazers discharging and the moist thump of the remaining four snowmen liquidising.
As Owen smashed the remaining alien tech, Jack clapped Ianto hard on the back. “Well done!” he said, smiling widely. “Quick thinking.”
Ianto managed a small grin in return.
“So...” continued Jack when he realised Ianto wasn't going to reply. “That's got to go into the books as one of the more ridiculous things I've ever done for Torchwood.” he stuck his hands into his coat pockets, “And that's including the time with the strippergram and the bucket of treacle...” Jack stopped for a moment to consider that, a slightly dreamy look on his face. “Not that that wasn't fun, of course...”
Ianto shot him a look.
Jack shook himself, “Anyway, we're almost done with the clean-up and it's still pretty early. How about I give us both the rest of the night off and we go check out that new Thai place in town?”
Ianto sighed theatrically. A part of him was almost tempted to say 'no' just for the look on Jack's face and a perverse sense of pettymindedness, but he decided against it. Jack DID seem to be trying, even if he didn't have a clue as to what he had done to make Ianto cross with him, and besides, the restaurant HAD looked quite nice.
“Okay,” he said finally.
Jack's smile grew even wider, if that was even possible. “Brilliant.” he said happily, “I'll ask Tosh to keep an eye on the Hub for the night if you fancy going back to your flat for a nightcap.”
Ianto considered this carefully. He knew what Jack's idea of a nightcap would consist of, but he hadn't quite decided if Jack had earned that right yet.
“We'll see.” Ianto replied finally.
Jack arched an enquiring eyebrow, but didn't reply.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six pairs of chopsticks…
December 31
“Owen, that’s yours.” Rhys picked up the beer as the waiter put it down on the only part of the table he could reach, and passed it along to Owen. “That’s mine. Another bottle of wine for the ladies, and a posh fizzy water for Jack.”
“Well, it’s a celebration!” Jack joked, passing the empties back up to the waiter.
Ianto poured wine for Gwen and for himself before passing the bottle along for Tosh, glad that Owen hadn’t noticed that Rhys had accidentally included Ianto in “ladies”.
“Pass the seaweed, will you?” Ianto obligingly moved the seaweed from its spot between Gwen and Rhys and put it in front of Owen.
“Don’t eat too much, Owen.” Gwen nagged. “This is only the first course!”
“Sorry Mum.” Owen rolled his eyes and Rhys smothered a laugh. “Anyway, the speed of the service in here it’ll be a while before the next one shows up.”
The Magic Wok was absolutely packed. Torchwood had a corner table, and were about as far from the kitchen and bar as it was possible to get. Their waiter had to fight past the rest of the customers, fielding requests as he went, every time he brought them food or drink.
“It’s got good atmosphere, though.” Tosh said, fiddling with her wine glass.
“Yeah. Good choice, Gwen.” Jack saluted Gwen with his mineral water, stealing the last of the mini spring rolls from the starter platter as he did so.
Gwen headed for the toilets when the waiter came to clear the first course, and Jack immediately stole her seat, sliding in between Rhys and Ianto.
“Change of scene.” He announced.
“Good idea.” Ianto replied, in the first direct response he’d made to Jack all evening.
“Tosh, swap with me?” There was a split second while Tosh worked out that she was still going to be sitting next to Owen, just on his other side, and then she agreed, gathering her wine glass, chopsticks and handbag.
“What’s going on?” Gwen returned to the table just as Rhys was transferring her bits and pieces to what had been Jack’s place.
“Mixing things up a bit.”
“Okay.” Gwen slide into her new seat, and then looked puzzled. “But we’re all sitting next to the same people, just at the other ends of the table…”
Jack looked delighted. “Let’s move again, then. Ianto, you swap with Rhys…”
“No, don’t worry about it, Jack.” Owen said. “The crispy duck is here.”
“So.” Gwen started, once everybody had their food. “What are everybody’s New Year Resolutions?”
Owen rolled his eyes, but Gwen carried on without seeing him. “I’m going to lose weight, for the wedding.” She smiled at Rhys.
“I’m going to be braver about going for what I want.” Tosh announced, glancing sideways at Owen, who was pulling faces at Gwen.
“Owen?” Gwen glared at him. “What about you?”
“I don’t know. Concentrate on pulling a better class of bird. No need to let my standards slip, is there?”
“More wine, Tosh?” Ianto held up the bottle and she slid her glass gratefully towards him.
“How about you, Ianto?” Gwen held out her glass as well and he topped it up.
“Be honest with myself. Stop kidding myself something’s going to work out when it won’t.”
There was an awkward pause while everybody came to different conclusions as to what he was referring to.
“I’m going to quit smoking.” Rhys announced, to break the tension.
“You don’t smoke!” Gwen pointed out.
Rhys leant back in his chair, looking pleased. “Job done, then!”
By the time the duck was cleared, the wine bottle was empty again. After trying in vain to catch the attention of any of the staff, Ianto and Owen braved a trip to the bar.
“What’s Jack done to piss you off then?” Owen asked, planting an elbow on the bar and waiting to get served.
“What are you talking about?”
“Come off it mate, you’ve barely even looked at him all night. If you two are going to fall out, I want to know that it’s not going to be awkward at work.”
“It’s nothing.”
Owen took the hint and dropped the subject, at least until they were making their way back across the room with the drinks.
“Jack’s pinched my seat.” He observed. “I think he wants to sit next to you.”
Ianto just sighed. Owen grinned and reached the table first.
“Oh, are we swapping again?” He put the beers on the table and dropped in Ianto’s empty seat. “Rhys, you should move down one. You’ve been sat with Gwen all night.”
“Okay.” Rhys, oblivious to any ulterior motives, slid along one place to sit next to Tosh. Ianto put the wine bottle down and passed the mineral water down to Jack, sitting down between Gwen and Rhys and smiling across the table at Owen as he noted that he was, once again, as far from Jack as it was possible to get.
“What time is it?” Tosh peered at her watch, but the numbers were all moving around and it only appeared to have one hand.
“Five to.” Rhys told her. “Have some more wine.”
“Champagne.” Jack corrected, as the water put six flutes on the table and started to pour.
“Where’s Ianto gone?”
“He went off towards the toilets about five minutes ago.” Gwen replied. “You okay, Tosh?”
“Yes.” Tosh replied feverantly, raised her wine glass. “Absolutely.”
“I think we should move again.” Gwen decided. “Jack, come out of there and let Tosh sit where you are. I’ll take Tosh’s seat and you can have mine.” This would put Jack next to Ianto, so he agreed and helped to Tosh to slide in next to Owen.
Jack picked up a glass of champagne and looked over towards the toilets, then glanced at his watch.
“He’ll be back in time, don’t worry.” Gwen reassured him, just as the maître d’ called everybody’s attention to the big clock above the bar. Most of the customers got to their feet to join in the countdown, and Jack searched the crowd for Ianto.
Ianto emerged from the corridor to the toilets just as they started to count. With this many people in the way he probably wasn’t going to get to his champagne before midnight.
“Ten! Nine! Eight”
He circumnavigated a group of middle-aged women, deciding that he wanted to be a little further from their speculative glances before the clock struck.
“Seven! Six! Five!”
There was a large family group in the middle of the room, and Ianto realised that he wasn’t going to get past them or the party who looked like a rugby team, and ducked back to the bar to pick up one of the unclaimed glasses of champagne.
“Four! Three!”
And there was Jack, pushing effortlessly past the rugby players and stepping around the inebriated grandmother, making a direct path to Ianto.
“Two! One!”
As the chimes of Big Ben played out from the little television set over the bar, Ianto found himself pinned up against a pillar, being expertly kissed by the man he’d been avoiding all night.
He only held out for a few seconds before he was kissing back with as much passion as Jack was putting into the moment, both of them oblivious to the rest of the restaurant destroying Auld Lang Syne.
They did eventually make it back to the table, where Tosh was looking flustered and pleased, to reclaim their champagne. Jack kept one hand on Ianto at all times.
“You two made up then?” Rhys asked, tipping the last of the champagne into his glass and knocking it back.
“What?” asked Jack, in a misguided attempt to protect Ianto. “We hadn’t fallen out.”
Ianto didn’t answer, as his mobile rang in his jacket pocket. Owen passed the whole jacket to Ianto, who answered his phone and headed for the door.
“Ianto?” Jack asked.
“It’s too noisy in here.” Rhys told him, loudly. “Gwen’s outside on the phone to her mum. Can’t hear a thing indoors.”
Jack had already settled the bill for the meal, so he let Owen persuade him to get another round of drinks in while Ianto was outside.
Gwen had returned to the table by the time they got back with the handfuls of shot glasses Owen had insisted were a good idea.
“Is Ianto all right?” she asked.
“Yes. I think so. Why?” Jack put down the drinks he was carrying and Owen arranged them into lines.
“He’s gone home.” Gwen told him. “Said he’d see us tomorrow.”
Jack frowned and reached for his coat, then stopped. If Ianto had wanted him to follow… He turned his attention to Owen, who had finished lining up the glasses and was sitting down again, patiently repeating the correct sequence for a tequila slammer to Tosh, who didn’t appear to be following what he was saying.
“Right.” Jack pasted on a grin. “How does this work?”
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven missing people…
January 01
When Tosh wandered into the Hub on January the first, it seemed as though she was the only one there. She eyed the coffee machine warily, but eventually decided that she was probably safer with a cup of fruit tea.
As she stirred the tea, thinking back over the events of the previous night, she became aware of a crackling noise interspersed with occasional voices. She cocked her head to the side, trying to determine the source of the noise.
Jack's office. Of course it would be Jack's office, especially after Ianto had snuck off after the meal.
She peered round the door. Jack was leaning back in his chair, eyes closed and hands tucked behind his head. He was wearing the same outfit as he had been the night before. The crackling was coming from a box on his desk that looked like a piece of military hardware from World War Two.
Tosh coughed.
Jack cracked one eye open and fumbled for the volume control on the box.
“I didn't expect to see you here so early.” he said, sitting up straighter in his chair.
Tosh perched on the corner of Jack's desk, sipping her tea. “Well, you know me, best way to get rid of my hangover - work my way through it!”
Jack laughed. “Do you think that would work on Owen? Think how much extra work he could get done!”
Tosh smiled in return. “Unfortunately, I think only a large fry-up works on Owen's hangovers, sorry.”
Jack nodded at Tosh's teacup. “Ianto's not in then?” he asked.
“No. Only me. I don't think the others will be in for a while, not after last night! What are you doing in here, anyway?”
Jack pointed at the box, “Listening to the police radio.”
“Oh. Anything interesting?”
Jack shrugged. “A couple of people have been reported missing, and some idiot fell in the bay.”
Tosh giggled.
The radio sprang into life again, the voice reporting another missing person.
Jack frowned. “That's four now.” he said, “All young people who haven't come home from a party.”
“That's not unusual, surely.” Tosh pointed out. “They're probably still sleeping off the night on a friend's sofa... Or... Well, you know...”
Jack shook his head. “I don't think so. They were all last seen in the same bar.”
“Do you really think this is our sort of case?” Tosh asked.
Jack shrugged. “Maybe not, but could you check the police records for me? See if there's any other reports? From the Tiger Bar in town.”
Tosh nodded, “No problem.”
By the time Gwen and Owen had rolled in to work, Tosh had found another three missing people reported by anxious parents and partners.
“They were all last seen in the same bar,” she explained. “Attending a New Year's party that was being held there. It wasn't an invitation only do, so we don't have a list of any other people who were there.”
Owen yawned loudly. “So why are we so sure that they're not all ringing in the new year in someone else's bed?” he asked.
Tosh bit her lip. “That could be true,” she conceded, “but seven of them? All of whom happened to go to the same bar? I've gone through the police reports, and there aren't any other missing people from last night.”
“Except one.” put in Owen, scratching his cheek. Everyone looked at him.
Owen gestured at the boardroom with a free hand. “Any one seen Ianto this morning?” he asked.
“He's not picking up his phone.” Jack said with a worried expression, snapping his mobile shut.
“I'm sure he's just overslept.” Gwen said kindly. “He didn't look as though he was going to party all night with a bunch of strangers when he left, did he?”
Jack sighed, but didn't look all that convinced.
“Why don't you go and check on him?” Gwen suggested. “We'll go and check out the bar.”
Jack had grabbed his coat and was out the door before Gwen could say anything else.
The Tiger Bar was a trendy establishment on a side street, done up in eye-searing shades of orange and brown. Owen eyed it suspiciously.
“Yeah, okay, so maybe the Tea Boy didn't come here after all.”
“I think Rhys came here for a works do.” Gwen mused. “Not really his thing.”
“Is there going to be anyone here?” asked Owen. “It's not exactly the right time.”
Tosh pointed at the smaller door off to the left of the main entrance to the bar. “The manager lives upstairs.” she said. “He should be in.”
Gwen nodded and walked over to the door, pressing the button on the intercom. Tosh tapped a few buttons on her PDA, and Owen examined a flyer for an evening of 'Funky House and Dub'. He decided he would probably give that one a miss.
The man who opened the door was slightly older than Gwen had been expecting.
“Mr Kemp?” she asked, holding up her old police ID. The man nodded. “We'd like to ask you a few questions.”
Mr Kemp blinked slowly and looked from Gwen to Tosh and Owen. “Come on then.” he said, holding the door open. “I knew you'd be along to ask your questions.”
Gwen frowned. Kemp had a rather odd accent that was hard to place.
Kemp's flat was painted in a rather soothing shade of green and light blue. Gwen supposed that working around all that orange, brown and chrome he would need something calmer to come home to. Kemp pulled out a chair from his dining table and sat down.
Gwen took a deep breath. Tosh and Owen were sneakily scanning the flat. “I'm D.I Cooper...” she began.
“No you're not.” replied Kemp immediately.
Gwen was momentarily thrown. She could see Owen and Tosh freeze from out of the corner of her eye.
“You're from Torchwood.” Kemp continued. “They're all here.”
“Ummm...” Gwen mumbled, unsure of how to continue.
“All the people who have been reported missing. They're all here.”
Gwen tried to work out which of the several questions she had to ask first. “Did you... uh, kidnap them?”
“No. It was all an accident.” Kemp sighed. “I suppose it doesn't matter now... Look, I'm not here to cause any problems. It's a nice planet. I don't want to leave.”
Several other questions occurred to Gwen. “You're an alien?!”
Kemp nodded.
“What was an accident?” asked Owen, stepping forward, one hand on his gun tucked into his waistband.
“All those people.” Kemp said, “I'd had a bit too much to drink. I bought the wrong bottle up from the cellar. I didn't mean to!”
“Didn't mean to WHAT?” asked Gwen, feeling confused.
“Let's just say that Jaltanian Brandy has a rather unusual effect on you Humans.” he said with a pained smile.
“You gave people alien alcohol?” Tosh asked.
“Not on purpose!” complained Kemp. “I only turned my back for a moment, and one of the bar staff had started serving it to people. I had to bring them up here by the back stairs and leave them in the spare bedroom.”
“Can we see them?” asked Gwen.
Owen held up a hand. “Probably not a good idea.” he said. “Jack found a bottle of that Brandy a few years ago. He was cleaning up the mess for days.”
“So what are we going to do?” Gwen asked.
Tosh shrugged. “Leave them here. They'll be alright in a few more hours. They won't remember a thing. Mr Kemp can clean up his own mess.”
“But...” started Gwen.
“Believe me, you don't want to be anywhere near that room.” said Tosh with a faintly disgusted look on her face. “We'll have to add you to our list of resident aliens though, Mr Kemp.”
“And you'd probably be better off pouring the rest of that bottle away.” added Owen, pulling out his PDA. “We've just got a few questions for you before we leave.”
Jack raced quickly round to Ianto's flat, constantly re-dialling his number. No-one picked up.
He had a momentary flash of guilt as he picked the lock of the doors to Ianto's flat, but decided that checking on Ianto's safety was much more important than the young man's privacy.
There was a newspaper spread out on the coffee table, but it was dated from the day before. Other than that, the only obvious signs of Ianto having been there was the empty coffee mug soaking in the sink. The bed didn't look as though it had been slept in, but Jack was used to Ianto making the bed before he left for work, so he didn't let himself get any more worried than he already was.
Owen was on question 134c (Are you, or have you ever been a member of the Intergalactic Communist Party?) when Tosh's comm beeped. She tapped her earpiece and sidled off into a corner as Kemp muttered something about a club at University. Owen listened to Tosh's conversation with half an ear.
“Ianto!” she said happily. “Where have you been? Jack's so worried!”
There was a pause before Tosh continued. “No, people have been going missing. Jack's gone to your flat to look for you... You must have missed each other.”
Owen wrote a few notes on his PDA before going on to the set of questions about Kemp's access to hyperspace engines.
“Well, yes. I think you should call him!” Tosh said, urgently. “God only knows what Jack thinks has happened to you!”
When Jack's comm unit beeped, he almost punched himself in the ear with the speed of trying to answer the call.
“Ianto?” he asked.
“Hello Jack.”
Jack sagged with relief. “Where the hell have you been?” he demanded.
“I overslept.” Ianto replied simply. “Tosh told me about all those people who've gone missing. She said it's all been sorted out and they'll meet you back at the Hub.”
Jack didn't quite know what to say. Eventually he decided on: “I was so worried about you.”
He heard Ianto's deep intake of breath, and waited for the reply.
“Come back to the Hub, Jack.” Ianto said finally. “I'll make you a cup of coffee...”
Twelve Days - part 2