Standing on a Precipice - Chapter Thirteen
Title: Standing on a Precipice
Author: Sio & Maura!
Rating: Up to NC-17 for later chapters
Length: 47,842 / 141,873
Spoilers: Possible mentions of up to Season 2 finale
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Rachel/Jesse, Santana/OC
Summary: From a prompt given via Sio's tumblr ask box. Rachel and Jesse are married with children, but Jesse is slowly dying from cancer. Enter Santana, lonely and divorced but highly successful and willing to befriend the beleaguered mother. When Jesse passes and Rachel starts depending more and more on Santana's friendship, will they stay just friends or can it blossom into something more? Future!Fic.
Warnings (highlight to read): Pregnancy, character death, angst, children, non-con and drugging and talks there of in later chapters
Chapter Thirteen - Alex
When Santana ran into St. Barnabas, she was already breathless from sprinted in her 4 inch heels. She ran over to the reception area and slammed her hand down when the receptionist didn’t pay attention to her.
“Rachel St. James! I need to know where Rachel St. James is! She’s having a baby.” Santana exclaimed as she barked at the woman. The lady didn’t jump to helping the Latina and she grabbed the phone out of the receptionist’s hand and slammed it down. “NOW!”
The woman was taken aback and quickly flipped through the computer. “She’s in Maternity... floor 8 room 312.” She snapped as she glared at Santana. She bolted to the elevator and tried to find Rachel’s room.
Almost as soon as she came out of the elevator into the maternity ward, a nurse stood up at the desk, took one look at her harried appearance and asked the most important question, “Are you Santana Lopez? Ms. St. James just got taken into the delivery room. She was asking for you. If you’re ready, we can get you scrubbed and gowned right now.”
“Yes!” She exclaimed, following the nurse quickly, “Is she okay? Is the baby okay? Did something happen? Why is she in labor?” Santana asked quickly as she got handed a pair of dark scrubs and escorted to a changing room.
The nurse chuckled, used to the anxiety of new parents, "Don't worry, Ms Lopez, Ms St James is fine and the little one is doing well as well. He just got tired of waiting around and decided to pop out a bit early. It's okay, it does happen after all and we will take the best of care of both of them." She helped Santana into the gown and mask, tying them behind her, "You just calm down and go hold her hand and be the best cheerleader you can and I'm certain your baby boy will be here soon to say hello."
Santana was too frazzled to notice the intentions of the Nurse. She quickly changed not and pulled her hair back while the nurse handed her a pair of slip on shoes to wear. She got pulled into the wash room and quickly did as instructed before being brought to the dilvery room. She busted through the door and saw Rachel on the bed sobbing.
“Oh DIOS” she cried as she saw a full on view of Rachel as the doctor checked for dilation. She made a queezy face before rushing to Rachel’s side. “I’m here. I’m so sorry, Cale was so scared and I was almost home... I’m sorry I should have stayed the night!” She exclaimed in a flustered breath as she took her hand and the wet washcloth from the nurse. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
Rachel turned grateful, though pained eyes to Santana, squeezing her hand, "You came... I didn't know if you would. Thank-" the rest of her words were cut off as a contraction over took her, forcing her to concentrate on her breathing.
"I think we may be having a baby here soon, ladies," the doctor smiled, looking up over the curtain at the pair, "you're fully dilated now, Ms St James, and I'm seeing signs that the head may be crowning at any minute. Are you certain you don't want any pain medication? We won't be able to administer it once it starts."
"No!" Rachel gasped out, breathing fast through the pain, "no medication! Just... Just do this!" She squeezing Santana's hand hard, sobbing through another contraction.
The Latina’s eyes bugged out.
She gaped for words but just let Rachel squeeze the hell out of her hand. She knew that there was a huge difference from 6 months to almost 9. But, Santana knew how much labor hurt, and the fact Rachel was doing it without medication? She couldn’t even understand. She looked between the mother’s face to the drape where the doctors and nurses were hiding.
“B-Breathe.” Santana remembered what the nurses told her when she was delivering her stillborn. She shook the thoughts of her little girl out of her head as she focused on Rachel and the little healthy boy that was coming out to meet his mom. “You’re gonna push and he’s gonna come okay? Really fast. You can do it.”
"I know," Rachel focused on breathing steadily, Santana's grip on her hand helping to steady her, "but it never comes fast, it just huuur-!"
The word trailed off in a strangled gasp as she squeezed hard on the Latina's hand, face dripping with sweat and screwed up with pain. "Okay, ladies!" The doctor seemed aggravatingly cheerful and young, "I can see the top of the head beginning to crown! Now, Ms St James, this may hurt a bit but I need you to push as hard as you can to help him out."
"Don't you talk to me about pain, you insufferable little boy!" Rachel yelled, her face turning red with exhersion as she pushed turning her voice into a scream as she felt her son's head push out of her, tearing the delicate tissue between her legs.
Santana squeeked and wiped the other womans head as she took a peek down to look at the baby. She looked like she might throw up or pass out so she quickly moved back to look at Rachel. “His head’s out. One more okay? Really big.” She helped push her up, holding her back up so she could push into her knees at the next contraction.
Santana saw and heard the baby gasp and wail a cry as he left his cozy home. Her eyes went wide. Her baby didn’t do that, her baby didn’t look beautiful and wiggly and gross and soggy but this one... He was perfect. She sobbed happily into Rachel, overwhelmed with emotions.
“He’s perfect.”
The attending nurse carefully held the crying, wiggling child as the doctor carefully clamped off a section of the umbilical cord and held out a pair of scissors to Santana, "Ms Lopez, would you care to do the honors?"
Santana looked up from the wiggly baby, “What?” She asked dumbly. She looked at the happy faces of the staff in the room and back to Rachel. “I... don’t think.” she stumbled, “Rachel.” She looked over at her pleading for her to give them the answer. But, when she saw Rachel had slumped back out of exhaustion she slowly nodded and reached a shaking hand out to grasp the scissors. She nodded as the muffled words of the doctors swam past her ears and she focused on severing the tie between mother and child. nervously she clamped down and watch the tether fall and the baby taken away to be swaddled before he was brought back to rest on Rachel’s chest.
“Meet your baby boy, Rachel.” A nurse smiled, placing the baby down in tightly wrapped blue blankets in his mothers arms.
Rachel blinked wearily, her arms instinctively cradling her baby boy, looking down at him with a tired smile. “Santana,” she whispered, even her voice reflecting her weariness, “come look.”
She carefully nudged the blue blanket away from his scrunched up, tiny red face, gently brushing a finger along his cheek. Looking up at Santana, she smiled softly, “Look at him... he’s going to need you, you know. Here,” she carefully held him up slightly, too tired to lift him far from her chest, “meet the newest St. James.”
She moved closer to him and carefully took him into her arms. She stared down at him, his squishy face hushed in sleep. “Rae...” She choked out, her voice wavering, “He’s so warm.” She almost sounded surprised by this. She could feel his heart beating through the blanket as she held him.
“He’s... Beautiful.” Santana whispered as she brushed her fingertips over his forehead. “Hola mija. Coma estas? Te amo, te amo so much, little one.” She whispered, looking up only when the nurse took the baby from her.
“Sorry ladies, the little man needs to go get checkout and momma here needs to get checked and into her room.” Santana nodded and watched the boy get carried away from them.
While Santana was watching the nurse, Rachel’s small hand slipped into hers, squeezing gently, and she looked up with a soft, grateful smile, “Thank you for being here, Santana. If Jesse couldn’t be the first one to meet him, I’m so glad it was you...”
Her voice trailed off as she fell into a light exhausted sleep, her hand still lightly clasping her friend’s hand. The nurse came over and placed her hand on Santana’s shoulder whispering that she’d show her to the cafeteria to get some coffee while Rachel was cleaned up and checked out. The doctor smiled and reassured her that they’d good care of the little mother, changing his gloves as the tray of stitching apparatus was settled beside him.
Santana nodded slowly, leaving the room with a squeeze of Rachel’s hand. As soon as she left the room, she ran to the closest bathroom, falling to her cloth covered knees and threw up everything that was in her. She heaved violently into the bowl as she tried to hold back her sobs, she was so raw. Her body felt like it was going seizure from the force of her crying and sick.
Finally, when what felt like the entire contents of her insides had made their way out; Santana sat back on her legs. She gasped trying to gain breath and calm her rapid heart rate. She sat back and wiped her mouth as she realized that she just watched her best friend give birth. She just held a baby that was less than a minute old. That wasn’t hers. The differences between the two experiences were so vast that Santana realized that she never actually gave birth. She had executed hers, while Rachel... she gave birth to this beautiful, wiggly baby boy. Everything was just overwhelming her.
Rachel was holding the newly dubbed Alexander Jesse St. James in her arms as she leaned back in the bed, looking far more rested than she had immediately following the birth. She carefully stroked a finger along his cheek, amazed every time she looked at any of her children, but especially amazed by this one. It was like he knew she’d needed to hold him in her arms, kiss his bald little head, and he couldn’t wait a moment longer. A nurse came by as she rocked her son and set the birth certificate on the side table with a smile.
His name had troubled her over the week she’d sat shiva for her lost husband. She’d always planned on Jesse being by her side when they decided on a name. Then she’d seen the look on Santana’s face as she held him and she’d remembered talking to her friend about the little one she’d lost so many years ago and it’d clicked.
Alexander Jesse St. James.
Alexander for the baby Santana had lost and Jesse for his father that he’d never know. It was the perfect tribute, the connection of two families in one beautiful baby boy. She smiled down at him, bouncing him gently. “You’re going to love your Auntie ‘Tana so much, Alex,” she whispered to the newborn, his cloudy blue eyes - with just a hint of green - opening to peer up at her, “That’s right, little one. You can trust her. Your mama does.”
Awhile later, Santana found her way back into the room. In one arm she had a small bunch of bright yellow roses and in her other hand a bag the seemed to contain three stuffed animals. She put the bag down in the chair near the door and put the flowers on the table next to the bed.
“To brighten up the room a bit.” She smiled, moving closer to the bed, “You doing okay?” Santana asked, her thumb stroked sweat laden hair away from the girl’s forehead.
Rachel smiled up at her, “I’m fine and so his little Alex here.” She gave the baby a little bounce, causing him to gurgle slightly, “I think he knew how much his mama needed to see him.” She leaned down and kissed the little boy’s cheek gently, “How are you? I know you had some trepidation about joining me in the delivery room...”
Santana could hear Rachel speak. She was aware that she was asking her a question, but her eyes were focused on a slip of paper. One slip with little footprints on it and a name.
Alexander Jesse St.James.
She just stared at it. Her brain flashed back to the death certificate she had to sigh that was printed in a very similar way.
Alejandra Spencer.
Santana didn’t know. She didn’t know if it was coincidence, Alex was a common name in that regard. But, it seemed all too similar. Her big wet eyes looked up panicked at her friend.
“R-Rachel?” She asked, a waiver to her voice breaking through.
Rachel looked up from the baby with a curious expression, “Yes?” She saw her looking at the birth certificate she hadn’t even realized had been left in the room. “His name?”
She felt she’d given it sufficient thought. That it was a good, strong name and that Santana would appreciate the gesture, but at the look of panic on her friend’s face, she was starting to second guess herself.
“I... Santana, I thought it would be a nice gesture. I just wanted...” She chewed on her lip a moment, dropping her gaze back to the little boy in her arms who’d fallen back asleep, her shoulders slumping slightly, “I named him in honor of two wonderful people that were taken from us too soon. I’m... Santana, I’m sorry.” She sounded defeated, like she thought she’d made a terrible mistake.
“I... Don’t.. I don’t understand.” Santana struggled to find the words. She never actually dealt with her loss so having it thrown back into her face right now was just confusing to her. “W-why would you... You never even... She didn’t...” The Latina didn’t know what she was trying to say. She didn’t know if she was trying to justify her child’s death or trying to understand why someone would name a healthy baby after a dead one.
Rachel looked up again, now even more confused, “It’s... what my people do, Santana. We name our children in honor of loved ones that have preceded us. And... it felt right.” She worried at her lip, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “It felt right to name him in honor of your little one that was called home too soon. To... make him part of both of our families in that way. But... I should have talked to you first, I’m... I’m so sorry.”
Her head dropped again at the stinging in her eyes. She should have known that Santana wouldn’t have wanted her to do that. Should have realized that she was not only walking over a line, but tossing her son across it too. All she’d wanted was for Santana to realize that she cared and she wanted her to be around to help her with the children, especially the poor little one in her arms that would never get to know his father. Now though, she just felt like the terrible hand that squeezed her heart to the point she’d felt like she was dying when she realized that Jesse was gone was coming back, slowly tightening it’s grip again, her eyes burning with unshed tears.
Santana sat heavily down in the chair closest to her. “She... she was never... She wasn’t alive... I named a... she was gone.” Santana whimpered, “You shouldn’t put that on a baby’s soul.” She said softly.
The Latina looked at the floor, her fingers tightly tangled into themselves as she tried to push past the lingering feeling that she was at fault for her child’s death. “You shouldn’t put death on an child... he’s already had enough.”
“Santana,” Rachel whispered, reaching out for her, “it doesn’t put death on him to name him in honor of those who have gone before. It connects them and it honors the ones who have died. I wanted...” she sighed softly, “I wanted him to be connected to his father and your little girl. You seem to love him already and I wanted him to have a connection to you too, but we don’t name children after the living and she was the only name connected to you I knew.”
She felt terrible. She hadn’t wanted to make such a horrible mistake, but it appeared she had. So she cuddled Alex close and tried to hide how much it hurt to know she hurt her friend. “I’m sorry, Santana... I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you’d like it...”
“It’s... not your fault.” Santana whispered, “Thank you for thinking about me.” she was trying very hard to push all of her emotions down. “It’s okay... I... um. was taken off guard.” She whispered again, “It’s a good name.” She said weakly.
She looked up to blink away tears. “I do love him... I just... It was...” She just stopped, “I do love him.”
Rachel started to get up, then remembered she couldn’t just yet, “Santana, I can’t get up. Please come here.” She held her hand out towards her friend, “Please?”
She got up and moved close to her. “Yeah?” She whispered, not really meeting Rachel’s eyes.
Rachel reached out and took her hand, tugging her closer and placing her hand against one of Alex’s tiny ones so his little fingers curled around one of her fingers. “This little boy? He will never know his father. But he will know you. You’re my best friend, Santana Lopez.” She looked up at Santana, smiling sadly, “You’re my best friend and I want you in my life, in his life. If... if you want to be, that is. I,” she sighed softly, “I don’t know if I can do this alone, Santana. I don’t know how...”
Her heart broke at that and she nodded as tears streamed down her face. “I’m here.” She said softly. Her eyes never leaving the baby’s. “I promise.” Her eyes flickered up to Rachel’s. “I’m just... whatever. I’ll be okay.” She smiled, “I’ll be okay, I can’t leave any of you now.”
“You’ve let me cry on your shoulder quite a bit lately, Santana.” Rachel whispered, gently stroking her friend’s arm as her baby tried to suck on the tip of her finger, “It’s okay if you need to be... whatever around me. I care. I’ll listen. It’s okay.”
Santana nodded as the room slipped into the peaceful silence of a nursery, both women’s attention redirected onto the baby in Rachel’s arms. A few minutes later, there was a quiet knock on the door behind them that broke their focus on the tiny bundle in Rachel’s arms. Before they could look up though, there was a quick flash of light and Maria smiled softly from the end of the bed, holding up the little disposable camera in her hand.
“I felt you might want a memento of this moment some day. For the little one’s scrapbook, of course.” She didn’t comment on how close they were or the way their positions reflected those of proud new parents. Jesse had talked with her about what he thought he saw between the two of them in the last few days before he’d passed and now that she was watching, she thought she saw it too. If it wasn’t for the fact that Jesse had insisted that it was okay with him, she would have protested, berated her daughter-in-law for being so disrespectful of her son. But she was the person her son chose to take care of his family. No matter how wrong she may have thought it was, she simply couldn’t bring herself to disparage his memory by trying to tear the slowly building family apart again.
“And these tykes wanted to meet their brother,” David’s smooth baritone broke in from the door as he ushered in a wide eyed Cale and Kayla.
“Santa!” Cale’s first response was to run to Santana and wrap his arms around her leg as tight as he could, “Santa, no go more. Stay, Santa, stay!”
Kayla was more adventurous, pulling the chair noisily over to the bedside and clambering up on it to get into the bed, scoot up beside her mother to peer at the little bundle in her arms, “He’s tiny, Mama. Like a little doll!”
Rachel chuckled, pushing back the fold of the wrap that obscured the little boy’s features, “He’s a baby, sweetie. Like Cale use to be. He’ll get big like you soon enough though.”
At the door, Shelby lingered, her lip caught between her teeth as she looked around. She didn’t know if she was truly welcome, and didn’t come in any further than just inside the door. When she noticed Santana and the scrubs that indicated she’d been in the delivery room with her daughter, her jaw clenched. How dare that little upstart... what made her better? What made Rachel ask for the girl who had tortured her in high school instead of her own mother? She didn’t understand. She didn’t want to understand. She knew the kind of person Santana Lopez was, and she didn’t want it influencing her grandchildren.
Santana leaned down and hoisted up the little boy. “I’m sorry buddy, but you were so brave today.” She smiled as she kissed his temple, “You and Kayla both!” She ruffled the little girl’s hair. “Now, Caleb, time to meet your brother okay? You’re the big man now so you gotta look out for him.” When Cale nodded and beamed she sat him down on the edge of the bed and let him look at the baby. “This is Alex.” She smiled at Rachel softly as she watched the two girls fawn over the baby.
“I gonna play wit’ Alex, Mama,” Cale declared, clambering into her lap, “I good big brother!”
When she heard Santana call Alex by the name she’d given him, she couldn’t help but beam up at her. Carefully holding the baby out, she let Cale crawl into her lap, “He’s not going to be big enough to play for a while, little man.” She kissed the top of his head, settling Alex in his lap, “but I’m certain you’ll be the best big brother. Just like Kayla is the best big sister, right?”
“Right, Mama! Kayla best!” He smiled toothily at his sister who promptly stuck her tongue out at him.
David and Maria couldn’t help but laugh at the antics of the children. David leaned down to kiss his wife’s head, “You know, I think they’ll be okay.”
“Of course they will, dear,” Maria hugged him with one arm, leaning into him, “Rachel promised after all.”
Shelby, finally tired of waiting around to be invited, walked up to the bedside, “Rachel,” she smiled softly at her daughter, completely ignoring Santana, “can I see him?” Rachel smiled at her mother and held up her son, letting the older woman cradle him in her arms. “Oh... he’s beautiful, sweetheart.”
Chapter Fourteen
Author: Sio & Maura!
Rating: Up to NC-17 for later chapters
Length: 47,842 / 141,873
Spoilers: Possible mentions of up to Season 2 finale
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Rachel/Jesse, Santana/OC
Summary: From a prompt given via Sio's tumblr ask box. Rachel and Jesse are married with children, but Jesse is slowly dying from cancer. Enter Santana, lonely and divorced but highly successful and willing to befriend the beleaguered mother. When Jesse passes and Rachel starts depending more and more on Santana's friendship, will they stay just friends or can it blossom into something more? Future!Fic.
Warnings (highlight to read): Pregnancy, character death, angst, children, non-con and drugging and talks there of in later chapters
Chapter Thirteen - Alex
When Santana ran into St. Barnabas, she was already breathless from sprinted in her 4 inch heels. She ran over to the reception area and slammed her hand down when the receptionist didn’t pay attention to her.
“Rachel St. James! I need to know where Rachel St. James is! She’s having a baby.” Santana exclaimed as she barked at the woman. The lady didn’t jump to helping the Latina and she grabbed the phone out of the receptionist’s hand and slammed it down. “NOW!”
The woman was taken aback and quickly flipped through the computer. “She’s in Maternity... floor 8 room 312.” She snapped as she glared at Santana. She bolted to the elevator and tried to find Rachel’s room.
Almost as soon as she came out of the elevator into the maternity ward, a nurse stood up at the desk, took one look at her harried appearance and asked the most important question, “Are you Santana Lopez? Ms. St. James just got taken into the delivery room. She was asking for you. If you’re ready, we can get you scrubbed and gowned right now.”
“Yes!” She exclaimed, following the nurse quickly, “Is she okay? Is the baby okay? Did something happen? Why is she in labor?” Santana asked quickly as she got handed a pair of dark scrubs and escorted to a changing room.
The nurse chuckled, used to the anxiety of new parents, "Don't worry, Ms Lopez, Ms St James is fine and the little one is doing well as well. He just got tired of waiting around and decided to pop out a bit early. It's okay, it does happen after all and we will take the best of care of both of them." She helped Santana into the gown and mask, tying them behind her, "You just calm down and go hold her hand and be the best cheerleader you can and I'm certain your baby boy will be here soon to say hello."
Santana was too frazzled to notice the intentions of the Nurse. She quickly changed not and pulled her hair back while the nurse handed her a pair of slip on shoes to wear. She got pulled into the wash room and quickly did as instructed before being brought to the dilvery room. She busted through the door and saw Rachel on the bed sobbing.
“Oh DIOS” she cried as she saw a full on view of Rachel as the doctor checked for dilation. She made a queezy face before rushing to Rachel’s side. “I’m here. I’m so sorry, Cale was so scared and I was almost home... I’m sorry I should have stayed the night!” She exclaimed in a flustered breath as she took her hand and the wet washcloth from the nurse. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
Rachel turned grateful, though pained eyes to Santana, squeezing her hand, "You came... I didn't know if you would. Thank-" the rest of her words were cut off as a contraction over took her, forcing her to concentrate on her breathing.
"I think we may be having a baby here soon, ladies," the doctor smiled, looking up over the curtain at the pair, "you're fully dilated now, Ms St James, and I'm seeing signs that the head may be crowning at any minute. Are you certain you don't want any pain medication? We won't be able to administer it once it starts."
"No!" Rachel gasped out, breathing fast through the pain, "no medication! Just... Just do this!" She squeezing Santana's hand hard, sobbing through another contraction.
The Latina’s eyes bugged out.
She gaped for words but just let Rachel squeeze the hell out of her hand. She knew that there was a huge difference from 6 months to almost 9. But, Santana knew how much labor hurt, and the fact Rachel was doing it without medication? She couldn’t even understand. She looked between the mother’s face to the drape where the doctors and nurses were hiding.
“B-Breathe.” Santana remembered what the nurses told her when she was delivering her stillborn. She shook the thoughts of her little girl out of her head as she focused on Rachel and the little healthy boy that was coming out to meet his mom. “You’re gonna push and he’s gonna come okay? Really fast. You can do it.”
"I know," Rachel focused on breathing steadily, Santana's grip on her hand helping to steady her, "but it never comes fast, it just huuur-!"
The word trailed off in a strangled gasp as she squeezed hard on the Latina's hand, face dripping with sweat and screwed up with pain. "Okay, ladies!" The doctor seemed aggravatingly cheerful and young, "I can see the top of the head beginning to crown! Now, Ms St James, this may hurt a bit but I need you to push as hard as you can to help him out."
"Don't you talk to me about pain, you insufferable little boy!" Rachel yelled, her face turning red with exhersion as she pushed turning her voice into a scream as she felt her son's head push out of her, tearing the delicate tissue between her legs.
Santana squeeked and wiped the other womans head as she took a peek down to look at the baby. She looked like she might throw up or pass out so she quickly moved back to look at Rachel. “His head’s out. One more okay? Really big.” She helped push her up, holding her back up so she could push into her knees at the next contraction.
Santana saw and heard the baby gasp and wail a cry as he left his cozy home. Her eyes went wide. Her baby didn’t do that, her baby didn’t look beautiful and wiggly and gross and soggy but this one... He was perfect. She sobbed happily into Rachel, overwhelmed with emotions.
“He’s perfect.”
The attending nurse carefully held the crying, wiggling child as the doctor carefully clamped off a section of the umbilical cord and held out a pair of scissors to Santana, "Ms Lopez, would you care to do the honors?"
Santana looked up from the wiggly baby, “What?” She asked dumbly. She looked at the happy faces of the staff in the room and back to Rachel. “I... don’t think.” she stumbled, “Rachel.” She looked over at her pleading for her to give them the answer. But, when she saw Rachel had slumped back out of exhaustion she slowly nodded and reached a shaking hand out to grasp the scissors. She nodded as the muffled words of the doctors swam past her ears and she focused on severing the tie between mother and child. nervously she clamped down and watch the tether fall and the baby taken away to be swaddled before he was brought back to rest on Rachel’s chest.
“Meet your baby boy, Rachel.” A nurse smiled, placing the baby down in tightly wrapped blue blankets in his mothers arms.
Rachel blinked wearily, her arms instinctively cradling her baby boy, looking down at him with a tired smile. “Santana,” she whispered, even her voice reflecting her weariness, “come look.”
She carefully nudged the blue blanket away from his scrunched up, tiny red face, gently brushing a finger along his cheek. Looking up at Santana, she smiled softly, “Look at him... he’s going to need you, you know. Here,” she carefully held him up slightly, too tired to lift him far from her chest, “meet the newest St. James.”
She moved closer to him and carefully took him into her arms. She stared down at him, his squishy face hushed in sleep. “Rae...” She choked out, her voice wavering, “He’s so warm.” She almost sounded surprised by this. She could feel his heart beating through the blanket as she held him.
“He’s... Beautiful.” Santana whispered as she brushed her fingertips over his forehead. “Hola mija. Coma estas? Te amo, te amo so much, little one.” She whispered, looking up only when the nurse took the baby from her.
“Sorry ladies, the little man needs to go get checkout and momma here needs to get checked and into her room.” Santana nodded and watched the boy get carried away from them.
While Santana was watching the nurse, Rachel’s small hand slipped into hers, squeezing gently, and she looked up with a soft, grateful smile, “Thank you for being here, Santana. If Jesse couldn’t be the first one to meet him, I’m so glad it was you...”
Her voice trailed off as she fell into a light exhausted sleep, her hand still lightly clasping her friend’s hand. The nurse came over and placed her hand on Santana’s shoulder whispering that she’d show her to the cafeteria to get some coffee while Rachel was cleaned up and checked out. The doctor smiled and reassured her that they’d good care of the little mother, changing his gloves as the tray of stitching apparatus was settled beside him.
Santana nodded slowly, leaving the room with a squeeze of Rachel’s hand. As soon as she left the room, she ran to the closest bathroom, falling to her cloth covered knees and threw up everything that was in her. She heaved violently into the bowl as she tried to hold back her sobs, she was so raw. Her body felt like it was going seizure from the force of her crying and sick.
Finally, when what felt like the entire contents of her insides had made their way out; Santana sat back on her legs. She gasped trying to gain breath and calm her rapid heart rate. She sat back and wiped her mouth as she realized that she just watched her best friend give birth. She just held a baby that was less than a minute old. That wasn’t hers. The differences between the two experiences were so vast that Santana realized that she never actually gave birth. She had executed hers, while Rachel... she gave birth to this beautiful, wiggly baby boy. Everything was just overwhelming her.
Rachel was holding the newly dubbed Alexander Jesse St. James in her arms as she leaned back in the bed, looking far more rested than she had immediately following the birth. She carefully stroked a finger along his cheek, amazed every time she looked at any of her children, but especially amazed by this one. It was like he knew she’d needed to hold him in her arms, kiss his bald little head, and he couldn’t wait a moment longer. A nurse came by as she rocked her son and set the birth certificate on the side table with a smile.
His name had troubled her over the week she’d sat shiva for her lost husband. She’d always planned on Jesse being by her side when they decided on a name. Then she’d seen the look on Santana’s face as she held him and she’d remembered talking to her friend about the little one she’d lost so many years ago and it’d clicked.
Alexander Jesse St. James.
Alexander for the baby Santana had lost and Jesse for his father that he’d never know. It was the perfect tribute, the connection of two families in one beautiful baby boy. She smiled down at him, bouncing him gently. “You’re going to love your Auntie ‘Tana so much, Alex,” she whispered to the newborn, his cloudy blue eyes - with just a hint of green - opening to peer up at her, “That’s right, little one. You can trust her. Your mama does.”
Awhile later, Santana found her way back into the room. In one arm she had a small bunch of bright yellow roses and in her other hand a bag the seemed to contain three stuffed animals. She put the bag down in the chair near the door and put the flowers on the table next to the bed.
“To brighten up the room a bit.” She smiled, moving closer to the bed, “You doing okay?” Santana asked, her thumb stroked sweat laden hair away from the girl’s forehead.
Rachel smiled up at her, “I’m fine and so his little Alex here.” She gave the baby a little bounce, causing him to gurgle slightly, “I think he knew how much his mama needed to see him.” She leaned down and kissed the little boy’s cheek gently, “How are you? I know you had some trepidation about joining me in the delivery room...”
Santana could hear Rachel speak. She was aware that she was asking her a question, but her eyes were focused on a slip of paper. One slip with little footprints on it and a name.
Alexander Jesse St.James.
She just stared at it. Her brain flashed back to the death certificate she had to sigh that was printed in a very similar way.
Alejandra Spencer.
Santana didn’t know. She didn’t know if it was coincidence, Alex was a common name in that regard. But, it seemed all too similar. Her big wet eyes looked up panicked at her friend.
“R-Rachel?” She asked, a waiver to her voice breaking through.
Rachel looked up from the baby with a curious expression, “Yes?” She saw her looking at the birth certificate she hadn’t even realized had been left in the room. “His name?”
She felt she’d given it sufficient thought. That it was a good, strong name and that Santana would appreciate the gesture, but at the look of panic on her friend’s face, she was starting to second guess herself.
“I... Santana, I thought it would be a nice gesture. I just wanted...” She chewed on her lip a moment, dropping her gaze back to the little boy in her arms who’d fallen back asleep, her shoulders slumping slightly, “I named him in honor of two wonderful people that were taken from us too soon. I’m... Santana, I’m sorry.” She sounded defeated, like she thought she’d made a terrible mistake.
“I... Don’t.. I don’t understand.” Santana struggled to find the words. She never actually dealt with her loss so having it thrown back into her face right now was just confusing to her. “W-why would you... You never even... She didn’t...” The Latina didn’t know what she was trying to say. She didn’t know if she was trying to justify her child’s death or trying to understand why someone would name a healthy baby after a dead one.
Rachel looked up again, now even more confused, “It’s... what my people do, Santana. We name our children in honor of loved ones that have preceded us. And... it felt right.” She worried at her lip, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “It felt right to name him in honor of your little one that was called home too soon. To... make him part of both of our families in that way. But... I should have talked to you first, I’m... I’m so sorry.”
Her head dropped again at the stinging in her eyes. She should have known that Santana wouldn’t have wanted her to do that. Should have realized that she was not only walking over a line, but tossing her son across it too. All she’d wanted was for Santana to realize that she cared and she wanted her to be around to help her with the children, especially the poor little one in her arms that would never get to know his father. Now though, she just felt like the terrible hand that squeezed her heart to the point she’d felt like she was dying when she realized that Jesse was gone was coming back, slowly tightening it’s grip again, her eyes burning with unshed tears.
Santana sat heavily down in the chair closest to her. “She... she was never... She wasn’t alive... I named a... she was gone.” Santana whimpered, “You shouldn’t put that on a baby’s soul.” She said softly.
The Latina looked at the floor, her fingers tightly tangled into themselves as she tried to push past the lingering feeling that she was at fault for her child’s death. “You shouldn’t put death on an child... he’s already had enough.”
“Santana,” Rachel whispered, reaching out for her, “it doesn’t put death on him to name him in honor of those who have gone before. It connects them and it honors the ones who have died. I wanted...” she sighed softly, “I wanted him to be connected to his father and your little girl. You seem to love him already and I wanted him to have a connection to you too, but we don’t name children after the living and she was the only name connected to you I knew.”
She felt terrible. She hadn’t wanted to make such a horrible mistake, but it appeared she had. So she cuddled Alex close and tried to hide how much it hurt to know she hurt her friend. “I’m sorry, Santana... I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you’d like it...”
“It’s... not your fault.” Santana whispered, “Thank you for thinking about me.” she was trying very hard to push all of her emotions down. “It’s okay... I... um. was taken off guard.” She whispered again, “It’s a good name.” She said weakly.
She looked up to blink away tears. “I do love him... I just... It was...” She just stopped, “I do love him.”
Rachel started to get up, then remembered she couldn’t just yet, “Santana, I can’t get up. Please come here.” She held her hand out towards her friend, “Please?”
She got up and moved close to her. “Yeah?” She whispered, not really meeting Rachel’s eyes.
Rachel reached out and took her hand, tugging her closer and placing her hand against one of Alex’s tiny ones so his little fingers curled around one of her fingers. “This little boy? He will never know his father. But he will know you. You’re my best friend, Santana Lopez.” She looked up at Santana, smiling sadly, “You’re my best friend and I want you in my life, in his life. If... if you want to be, that is. I,” she sighed softly, “I don’t know if I can do this alone, Santana. I don’t know how...”
Her heart broke at that and she nodded as tears streamed down her face. “I’m here.” She said softly. Her eyes never leaving the baby’s. “I promise.” Her eyes flickered up to Rachel’s. “I’m just... whatever. I’ll be okay.” She smiled, “I’ll be okay, I can’t leave any of you now.”
“You’ve let me cry on your shoulder quite a bit lately, Santana.” Rachel whispered, gently stroking her friend’s arm as her baby tried to suck on the tip of her finger, “It’s okay if you need to be... whatever around me. I care. I’ll listen. It’s okay.”
Santana nodded as the room slipped into the peaceful silence of a nursery, both women’s attention redirected onto the baby in Rachel’s arms. A few minutes later, there was a quiet knock on the door behind them that broke their focus on the tiny bundle in Rachel’s arms. Before they could look up though, there was a quick flash of light and Maria smiled softly from the end of the bed, holding up the little disposable camera in her hand.
“I felt you might want a memento of this moment some day. For the little one’s scrapbook, of course.” She didn’t comment on how close they were or the way their positions reflected those of proud new parents. Jesse had talked with her about what he thought he saw between the two of them in the last few days before he’d passed and now that she was watching, she thought she saw it too. If it wasn’t for the fact that Jesse had insisted that it was okay with him, she would have protested, berated her daughter-in-law for being so disrespectful of her son. But she was the person her son chose to take care of his family. No matter how wrong she may have thought it was, she simply couldn’t bring herself to disparage his memory by trying to tear the slowly building family apart again.
“And these tykes wanted to meet their brother,” David’s smooth baritone broke in from the door as he ushered in a wide eyed Cale and Kayla.
“Santa!” Cale’s first response was to run to Santana and wrap his arms around her leg as tight as he could, “Santa, no go more. Stay, Santa, stay!”
Kayla was more adventurous, pulling the chair noisily over to the bedside and clambering up on it to get into the bed, scoot up beside her mother to peer at the little bundle in her arms, “He’s tiny, Mama. Like a little doll!”
Rachel chuckled, pushing back the fold of the wrap that obscured the little boy’s features, “He’s a baby, sweetie. Like Cale use to be. He’ll get big like you soon enough though.”
At the door, Shelby lingered, her lip caught between her teeth as she looked around. She didn’t know if she was truly welcome, and didn’t come in any further than just inside the door. When she noticed Santana and the scrubs that indicated she’d been in the delivery room with her daughter, her jaw clenched. How dare that little upstart... what made her better? What made Rachel ask for the girl who had tortured her in high school instead of her own mother? She didn’t understand. She didn’t want to understand. She knew the kind of person Santana Lopez was, and she didn’t want it influencing her grandchildren.
Santana leaned down and hoisted up the little boy. “I’m sorry buddy, but you were so brave today.” She smiled as she kissed his temple, “You and Kayla both!” She ruffled the little girl’s hair. “Now, Caleb, time to meet your brother okay? You’re the big man now so you gotta look out for him.” When Cale nodded and beamed she sat him down on the edge of the bed and let him look at the baby. “This is Alex.” She smiled at Rachel softly as she watched the two girls fawn over the baby.
“I gonna play wit’ Alex, Mama,” Cale declared, clambering into her lap, “I good big brother!”
When she heard Santana call Alex by the name she’d given him, she couldn’t help but beam up at her. Carefully holding the baby out, she let Cale crawl into her lap, “He’s not going to be big enough to play for a while, little man.” She kissed the top of his head, settling Alex in his lap, “but I’m certain you’ll be the best big brother. Just like Kayla is the best big sister, right?”
“Right, Mama! Kayla best!” He smiled toothily at his sister who promptly stuck her tongue out at him.
David and Maria couldn’t help but laugh at the antics of the children. David leaned down to kiss his wife’s head, “You know, I think they’ll be okay.”
“Of course they will, dear,” Maria hugged him with one arm, leaning into him, “Rachel promised after all.”
Shelby, finally tired of waiting around to be invited, walked up to the bedside, “Rachel,” she smiled softly at her daughter, completely ignoring Santana, “can I see him?” Rachel smiled at her mother and held up her son, letting the older woman cradle him in her arms. “Oh... he’s beautiful, sweetheart.”
Chapter Fourteen