Fic: Back to square one (Glee/Glitter, Emma/Terri)
TITLE: Back to square one
AUTHORS: the_girl_20 and voodoochild_101
FANDOM: Glee / #Glitter
PAIRING: Terri/Emma
SUMMARY: A chance meeting.
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: ~5,000
DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em. They're Ryan Murphy's.
SPOILERS: None
AUTHORS' NOTES 1: Based on the Twitter based Role Play known as Glitter (the_glitter). Check out the twitter accounts of Terri and Emma.
AUTHORS' NOTES 2: This fic follows Valentine's Day - Terri, Valentine's Day - Emma and Let's hear your speech. It is also a companion piece to Terri - Too long in the wind, too long in the rain and Emma - The days are long, and the nights are yours alone
AUTHORS' NOTES 3: We apologise for 'Authors' Notes 2' being so complicated.
Terri walks down the street aimlessly. She looks into store windows and sees nothing. She just got finished at work. She feels so tired and sluggish and overwhelmingly sad all the time, she thought some fresh air might help. It hasn't.
She hasn't heard anything from Emma in a week, not since she came over to make sure Terri hadn’t accidentally overdosed on Kendra’s sleeping pills. She supposes that's not a great deal of time in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like an eternity. She'd hoped Emma would have responded to one of her e-mails. She doesn't even know if she's been reading them. She feels powerless.
She spots a coffee shop across the street and decides that her body could really do with a caffeine injection.
~
Emma throws the pieces of her cup into the bin. The thing never stood a chance. She had finished her hot cocoa well over an hour ago, but she wanted to prolong her stay. She'd rather be alone surrounded by a room full of people, than alone by herself. She's started to use her own place as a hotel - only to eat and sleep. It's hard to go back to living by yourself after a month and a half of living with someone else.
She should be angry. She should be fuming and cursing the day she ever met Will and Terri Schuester. She's none of the above. She's hurt, sad, betrayed, and broken hearted. Anger didn't even think to stop by. At all. The incident with the pills only made her realise that her feelings ran much deeper than she had first thought.
And that is what confuses her. Because she should be angry. But she's not. She's just sad all the time.
With a heavy sigh, she pulls her jacket tighter around her body and goes out to brave the cold. She could do with some fresh air.
~
Terri's busy searching in her purse to make sure she brought her wallet with her. Lack of sleep is playing havoc with her memory these days. She locates it just as she reaches the door of the place. She reaches out for the handle only to meet with air and she finds herself colliding with another body. She grabs for the other person's arm to steady them as it seems they took the brunt of the impact.
"Oh God, I'm so so-" she begins, but stops short when she sees who she's bumped into. "Emma..."
Emma swears her heart has stopped beating and she gasps audibly. She was walking in a daze up until she smacked right into someone. And it wasn't until that someone spoke that she realised who it was she had bumped into.
"Terri..." she breathes out.
She stares at her for a full minute and she takes the time to take in Terri's appearance. She looks terrible. She's pasty, there are bags under her eyes, her eyes are bloodshot... she looks miserable.
Emma feels weight on her arm and she looks down, realising that Terri is still touching her. She slowly moves her arm out of her grip.
Feeling Emma pull away from her is almost physically painful. But Terri covers it with a feeble smile, shoving both hands into the pockets of her jeans. It's difficult to look at Emma. She's immaculately turned out, as ever, but her eyes are different, the light that's usually in them is gone and they're dull.
"How...uh, how are you?" Terri asks, trying to keep her tone light.
Emma nods her head. "Fine." That's quite possibly the biggest lie she's ever told in her life.
She wants to walk away. She wants the world to swallow her whole. She's not ready to see Terri, let alone talk to her. This isn't fair.
Still, she has manners. "You?"
Terri ponders her answer for longer than is strictly necessary.
"I'm...you know..." she shrugs, because there are no words that she can use to accurately describe how she's felt over the last couple of weeks so she settles on the one that comes closest. "..surviving."
Emma’s heart clenches a little. Terri rushes to speak again, unwilling to let Emma walk away.
"How's work?"
"Fine."
Emma sighs. She doesn't want to be harsh but she doesn't want to talk to her for longer than is necessary. Her heart clenches a little more as she watches Terri's face fall.
She's about to elaborate for Terri's sake but she's interrupted as people are trying to enter the coffee shop and it isn't until now that she realises they're still in the middle of the door way. She moves off to the side to let the people pass and Terri moves with her, moving slightly closer to Emma in the process. Terri sees Emma tense and she steps back again. It's painfully obvious that Emma doesn't want to be around her. She swallows down the hurt she feels and smiles.
"I don't want to hold you back if you've got somewhere to be..."
Emma closes her eyes. As much as she feels Terri doesn't deserve it - at all - she throws her a bone. "I don't, actually."
She sees a bit of light come across Terri's face, a sliver of hope, and all of a sudden Emma panics. She can't. She can't open herself up so soon after it happened. She back peddles.
"But we're not exactly headed in the same direction. You're coming in...I'm going out..."
"I don't have to go in," Terri says, hurriedly. "I was just going to grab a coffee. But I can go in whatever direction you're headed."
She shifts from foot to foot, looking at the floor, unable to look into Emma's eyes in case she rejects her.
"We could...talk. Or just walk and not talk, if that's what you want," Terri continues, her voice tinged with hope.
Emma sighs and looks at Terri...looks at the shell of Terri.
If she were any other person, she's pretty sure she'd have left Terri standing there on her own by now. If she were any other person, she'd have told her that she didn't want to talk to her. If she were any other person, she wouldn't be losing her resolve. She wouldn't feel her heart breaking even more than she thought possible.
But she's not any other person. She's Emma Pillsbury. And Emma Pillsbury is too nice for her own good, even when she is the one who gets completely screwed over. People deserve second chances, right? But this isn't Terri's second chance. Technically she's already struck out.... twice.
They do need to talk...
She takes another look at Terri. That's all it takes. They will walk but Terri will do the talking.
"I'll wait outside," she mumbles. She doesn't give Terri the chance to respond.
As Terri watches Emma walk out of the coffee shop she feels a warmth spread through her chest that has been absent over the last two weeks. She almost skips to the counter to order a black coffee but as she pays and accepts the hot beverage in return, her hands are shaking violently. Because she's not at all sure what she's going to say. Or what Emma's going to say. Or if she's prepared to hear things from Emma that she might not like.
Coffee might not be the best idea as it will only increase her jitters, but she's freezing so at least it will warm her up. She didn't think through her outfit before she left the house. She's only wearing a wife-beater under a thin cardigan. But then, she’d planned only to go from the car to work and back again. This little walk had been a spur of the moment decision. Terri tries to clamp down on the part of her that’s screaming ‘fate’.
Steeling herself as best as she can, she pushes the door open and is immensely relieved to see that Emma has indeed waited for her.
Emma has about a thousand thoughts flying around in her head. Half are questions she wants to ask, half are things she wants to say so she can let things out. But she can't sort and sift through them in her head, so she's unsure how she's going to sound if she even tries to verbalise them. She knows this is her dance; she's leading...but she's never been a good leader. Besides, if Terri wants to try to redeem herself, this is all on her. Emma will listen, because that's what she does.
"Which way?" Terri asks, prepared to go wherever Emma wants.
Emma jumps at Terri’s words. She turns and notices the slight way Terri’s coffee shakes in her hands. Emma wonders if she's nervous, cold, or jittery. Possibly all three at the same time. She knows that she herself is.
She takes a defensive stance and crosses her arms over her chest. She nods in the direction they want to go and accompanies that by saying, "Left."
"Left sounds good to me," Terri says, falling into step with Emma as she starts to head in the direction indicated.
Emma is pretty sure that she could have said 'you can walk in to traffic and I'll go home' and Terri still would have said it sounded like a good idea. She bites her tongue.
Terri is careful to leave a considerable gap between herself and Emma, she doesn't want the other woman to feel crowded or pressured in any way. They walk in silence for a few blocks, Emma's arms are still folded and Terri is cradling her coffee close to her mouth for warmth and as a small shield. Obviously Emma isn't going to speak first.
Terri takes a sip of coffee and glances to the side. Emma is looking straight ahead. Terri inhales deeply through her nose and holds her breath for a moment.
"Did you...uh...did you get my e-mails?"
Terri's voice startles Emma out of her head. She stumbles a little but regains her balance and continues walking, eyes front.
She nods her head. "I did. But I didn't read them." She turns her head to look at Terri for a second, sees the look on her face, and decides to put her mind at ease because she knows that Terri won't ask. "And, no, I didn't delete them either."
"Oh...okay."
Terri's slightly thrown by this revelation. Somewhere deep inside, she'd really expected Emma to be reading them. But at least she's not deleted them. Or filtered anything from Terri's address straight into her junk mail folder. Terri supposes she should be grateful for small mercies. She thinks about asking if Emma ever plans to read them, but doesn't think that would go down well. She hates this feeling of having to watch every word she says. Especially with Emma.
There's no coffee left in her cup so she deposits it in a trash can and wraps her arms around herself. She's shaking harder than before and it has nothing to do with caffeine or cold. She decides on a safer question, although she expects a noncommittal answer.
"Do you want me to stop sending them?"
Emma opens her mouth to talk, but closes it again almost instantly. She keeps queit for a few moments and chances a glance at Terri who's looking at her expectantly.
"I haven't read them... And I don't know if I will," she admits quietly. "I don't want you to waste your time when you could be doing more productive things..."
She sees that Terri is shaking and notices what she's wearing. She shakes her head shrugs out of her jacket, offering it to Terri. Emma has enough clothing on that she's feeling a little warm, anyway.
"If you don't look after yourself, you're going to get sick..."
Terri's still so caught up in trying to decide how she feels about Emma's response about the e-mails that she barely notices her taking off her jacket. She looks at the piece of clothing in Emma's hand, her mind wants to hear concern in the words that accompany it but is afraid to read too much into it.
She looks up into Emma's eyes and gently pushes the jacket back towards her, their fingers brushing together briefly as she does so.
"Thanks, but I'm fine, really," she says, her sad smile saying otherwise. "And there's no point in you getting cold."
Emma can read Terri like a book. They both know it. She sighs, ignores the bolt of electricity that runs up her arm when their fingers touch, and once again gives her another bone.
"Take the jacket," she says quietly. When Terri tries to protest, Emma cuts her off with a sympathetic smile and says, "I'm not the one shaking." She offers her the item of clothing once more.
"Thank you."
Terri takes the jacket. There's no point in trying to explain that she's not shivering from the cold, but from very real fear. She shrugs into the jacket and her throat closes up immediately as Emma's scent assaults her senses. She swallows with difficulty and spends some time fussing with the jacket, straightening it out and buttoning it up, so that she can avoid looking at Emma for a moment, until her eyes have cleared. When she does glance up, Emma isn't looking at her so it surprises her when Emma starts speaking.
"I can't account for what I may or may not do tomorrow, the day after or in a week's time. I can only tell you how I feel right now, at this very moment. Please don't make me feel bad about that."
Terri's chest throbs with regret.
"The last thing I want to do is make you feel bad, Emma," Terri says, her voice soft. "It kills me that I've made you...that I hurt you."
Emma doesn't know what to say . The obvious response is to tell her that she is hurt. And she does feel bad. She opts for nodding her head instead.
She looks at her surroundings - she hasn't really been taking much notice but she could probably walk these streets with her eyes closed - so it's no surprise when she sees they've ended up at the park that Emma often goes to when she wants to think. Walking the familiar path she leads Terri to the other end where there's a pond situated in the middle and bench opposite.
After thoroughly wiping down the bench - and catching a few splinters along the way - Emma sits down and stares out. Her legs are crossed and her hands are tucked in between them.
Terri's never been to this place before but Emma seems to be familiar with it. She looks at her sitting on the park bench and sighs. She doesn't know what to do with this quiet, unresponsive Emma.
She wants to tell her that she's sorry. That every moment of every day she wishes she hadn't gone to Will's. That she needs her. That she loves her. She's afraid to say any of that right now.
"Can I sit down?"
Emma sighs and looks up at Terri. "If I didn't want you to sit down, I wouldn't have agreed to be anywhere near you today. I would have left you at the coffee shop," she half snaps and she cringes.
She rubs her hands over her face. "Sit down," she practically whispers.
The outburst unsettles Terri. She had thought she would prefer a screaming match to the silent treatment, but now she's not sure. She sits down on the edge of the bench, leaving at least a foot between herself and Emma.
She lets her gaze wander over to the pond where a young couple are walking hand in hand. He leans in to whisper something in her ear and she giggles and hits him playfully. Terri has to look away.
"I'm surprised you didn't leave me at the coffee shop. You had every right to," she says, her eyes on the ground. " I...I want to make things better Emma, but I don't know how. I want to give you space, but I'm scared to leave you too long. I want to stop you from hurting, and I don't think I can."
Emma eyes the same young couple but unlike Terri, she stares at them intensely and almost misses what Terri says. She nods along with everything Terri is saying and waits until Terri is finished. Even still, a silence settles between them for a few moments while Emma thinks of a way to respond.
"How could you make things better?" She finally asks. "I mean, you certainly can't make things any worse..."
She ignores the guilt she feels at using the barb and she thinks that maybe she can do anger as an emotion... even if it doesn't suit her and even if she doesn't like it.
Terri can't handle this. Her first instinct is to snipe back. This is followed swiftly by the impulse to break down and cry. She tries to remember how she felt when she heard that Will had kissed Emma, so that she can relate to how Emma's feeling. But that only encourages the tears and she stands up abruptly, swiping at her eyes and trying to make it look as if she's rubbing her nose.
"Hey...uh, listen...I forgot...I actually have a...thing that I need to do," her voice is completely broken but she keeps going. "So I'm going to go and let you get back to your day, OK?"
Terri slips out of Emma's jacket and lays it on the bench next to her, letting her hair fall over her face to cover the tears that are now flowing.
"Thank you...for the jacket," she whispers.
She turns around and starts to walk away, trying to keep her emotions under control.
Emma shoots up from the bench the second Terri starts to walk away. She can't believe that Terri has the hide to do this. "You are the one who wanted to talk. You don't get to walk away," she calls out after her.
Terri stops walking at the sound of Emma's voice. She tries to compose herself as best as she can, wiping her face and taking a shuddering breath. She turns to face her. Emma is clearly livid. Terri takes a step towards her.
"You're right, I did want to talk. I don't think you want to talk to me, which is fine. But you just told me that I can't make it better," Terri's voice falters again under Emma's accusing glare. "And I don't know what to say to you except that I'm so, so sorry and that I'd do anything to make things right between us."
Emma doesn't bother to move back, she's rooted to the spot. "No, actually, I do want to talk. And you're going to listen," she says evenly. "You made such a big thing about me running away from things I couldn't handle, when that's all you do. You run from your emotions. All the time. I didn't say that you couldn't make things better. I asked you how you could make things better. Saying sorry isn't going to be enough."
She finishes her rant and takes a deep breath as she slumps back down on the bench, her hands covering her mouth. She hasn't yelled - she's quite proud that she kept her tone even, albeit tight - what she is not proud of is that she launched in to a rant when Terri is clearly terrified of the things that Emma might say.
Terri is slightly bolstered by Emma's reaction; it's the most passionate she's seen her since this all happened. Despite the fact that her body is screaming at her to kneel down and pull Emma into her arms, she holds herself back. She sits back down on the bench, a little closer to Emma than before. Emma still has her hand over her mouth and she's breathing heavily.
Terri doesn't look at her as she speaks.
"I know that saying sorry isn't enough. I don't know that anything's ever going to be enough, and that's what scares me, Emma," she says, quietly. "You once told me that Will deserved a lot better than me, and you were right. And you deserve so much better than me, but you wanna know something? I'm too selfish to let you go, unless that's what you want. So you just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it...because I love you."
Terri decides to take a chance. Still without looking at her face, she reaches out and covers Emma's hand with her own where it rests on the bench between them.
Emma stiffens when Terri's hand holds her own. Her touch brings on a wave of emotions that she isn't ready to deal with just now - especially not in front of Terri. She tries to swallow past the lump in her throat but she ends up hiccupping and choking on a sob instead. She turns her head away and pulls her hand of Terri's so she can wipe her eyes.
She turns back to look at Terri. "Do you? Love me?"
If Terri's heart wasn't broken before, it is now. She does nothing to stop the fresh wave of tears that make their way down her face at Emma's words.
"Do you need me to answer that?"
"Do you love me?"
Terri keeps her eyes locked with Emma's.
"I love you."
Emma swallows down a fresh wave of tears at Terri's admission.
"Then why did you do this?" she whispers.
Terri bows her head. That's the question she's asked herself a thousand times and never come up with a satisfactory answer. She looks back up.
"Emma...I did it because...I felt sorry for him. It had nothing to do with how much I love you. I need you to believe that. I stopped it because I love you."
Emma's eyebrows knit together.
"You... felt sorry for him? And that justifies it for you? Do you love him? I mean as much as you say you love me? I know you can't just turn off your emotions, even though I know you'd love to, but surely they're not nearly as strong..."
She's realises she's rambling and so she lets her sentence trail off into nothing. Terri reacts like she's been slapped.
"Of course it doesn't justify it! Nothing justifies what I did, Emma," she says, unable to keep the hurt out of her voice. "And you're right, I can't just turn my feelings off. I was with him for sixteen years, everything's familiar with him. But with you...it's completely different and new and amazing and scary."
She pauses, reaching for Emma's hand. She stops herself, still stinging from the last time Emma pulled away. She steels herself.
"Emma, I love you more than anything in the world. What will it take for you to believe that?"
Emma feels bad for the hurt that's so obvious in Terri's voice. She still can't bear to be touched by her, though so she balls her hands up, feeling even worse at the look that crosses Terri's face. How did she wind up feeling like the bad guy? Terri would probably be on her knees if she thought it would sway her decision. She shrugs her shoulders, because honestly she doesn't know what it will take...let alone if anything she does will make her believe anything Terri says.
"I don't know..."
Terri looks down at her feet at Emma's response, her heart sinking.
"Do you...do you still..." her voice trails off because she's afraid to ask the question; afraid of the answer.
"It wouldn't hurt this much if I didn't," Emma whispers, tears spilling from her eyes.
Terri lets out a shaky breath she didn't know she was holding. Regardless of the consequences, she reaches over and cups Emma's cheek, her thumb smoothing away her tears.
"So where do we go from here?" she asks, softly.
Emma closes her eyes against Terri's touch. For a moment she's comforted by it. Only a moment. She reaches up and gently removes Terri's hand from her cheek. She sniffles.
"I don't know..." she replies. "You're going to have to earn my trust back... and that might be a long process..."
She takes a deep breath.
"This is a huge deal, Terri. You realise that, right? We got somewhere today, but I'm still...there are no words to explain how I feel about this... I don't even know..."
She shakes her head and let's the sentence drop. She does love Terri... but she doesn't know if they can go back to how they were, but she’s not sure she can say that to Terri, not now.
Terri tries to smile through the pain of being pushed away, again.
"I realise it's a huge deal. And I'm in for the long haul, Emma," she says, looking into Emma's eyes, trying to convey how much she means this. "I'll be here when you're ready to...I'll be here."
She swallows and looks away, blinking rapidly. She wraps her arms around herself, both because the afternoon is getting colder and also because she needs comfort. She glances back at Emma.
"Can we do this again? Talk, I mean."
Emma nods. "Yeah. Yeah we can..." Her hand is itching to rub Terri's back but she can't bring herself to. "I'll call you...when I'm ready..." She adds. She does feel like they got somewhere today... but she's not ready to meet up again so soon.
Terri is heartened by Emma's reply.
"That's fine. You can call me," she says, a genuinely happy smile stretching over her lips for the first time in what seems like forever.
Emma sighs. She sees the look on Terri’s face and she doesn't have the heart to tell her that she may not be ready for a while after this encounter. Emma motions to her jacket still draped on the bench between them.
"You should put that back on..." she mumbles.
Terri looks at the jacket.
"No, you take it. If I take it I'll end up sleeping with it or something equally pathetic," she says before she can stop herself, internally rolling her eyes afterwards. "You look cold, you should put it back on."
"Take the jacket," Emma repeats. "I'm fine. I already told you before." she shakes her head as she eyes Terri's clothing again. "I'm amazed you haven't turned to ice..."
Terri picks up the jacket and pulls it on, a full-body shiver runs through her.
"I know...I haven't really been paying much attention to my outfits these days," she admits.
The atmosphere is awkward now. They've agreed the way forward so the conversation should really be at an end. But Terri doesn't want to be the one to say goodbye.
Emma nods her head, and senses the awkwardness looming over them. She can see that Terri wants to drag this out, but it can't be like this. Emma decides she's going to have to make the first move for this one.
"It's... uh...it's getting late...." she starts, and Terri nods, her face falling again. "I need to clean the place, you know? It hasn’t been done since yesterday..." she can feel herself blushing at that revelation. "Um...before we..." She stops as she realizes there's no easy way for this to go. She pulls her bag on to her lap and starts rummaging through it until she finds what's she's looking for. "I should...give this back to you..."
It's the key to Terri's place.
After the slight progress of the afternoon, this feels like a step backwards and Terri shakes her head, confused.
"No...I gave it to you, I wanted you to have it. If you give it back to me it's like we're..." she trails off because she realises what's happening.
Emma's breaking up with her.
Emma watches as what's left of Terri's heart shatters and she feels terrible. Her eyes well with tears.
"We need a clean slate, Terri." Emma begins quietly. "We can't just go back to the way we were. It won't work. You need to earn my trust back, as friends, first..."
She watches as Terri slumps in her chair and for the first time since their meeting, she reaches out and lays a hand on Terri's back.
"Terri, I love you... But I can't jump back into the deep end. Not after this. There are too many issues that we need to work out and if we do that while we pick up from where we left off, it will only hinder our progress."
She offers her the key again, tears spilling from her eyes.
"I wouldn't feel right carrying this around. You can give it back if we work out...if you want. But I can't keep this. That's giving you false hope right now... And I don't want to do that to you."
Terri looks from the key to Emma's face, her eyes, though wet with tears, have regained a little bit of the light Terri misses so much.
"A clean slate, huh?" she asks, her throat tight.
Emma nods her head slightly. Terri nods too. She reaches out and takes the key out of Emma's hand. She looks down at it lying in her palm before closing her fist around it and putting it in the pocket of her jacket. She wipes her eyes with the heel of her hand, thankful she didn't put make-up on before coming out.
She turns back to Emma and conjures up a smile, holding out her hand.
"Hi, I'm Terri Schuester."
Despite how she feels, Emma offers Terri a small smile. She takes Terri's offered hand and with a nod of her head she says, "I'm Emma Pillsbury. It's nice to meet you."
AUTHORS: the_girl_20 and voodoochild_101
FANDOM: Glee / #Glitter
PAIRING: Terri/Emma
SUMMARY: A chance meeting.
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: ~5,000
DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em. They're Ryan Murphy's.
SPOILERS: None
AUTHORS' NOTES 1: Based on the Twitter based Role Play known as Glitter (the_glitter). Check out the twitter accounts of Terri and Emma.
AUTHORS' NOTES 2: This fic follows Valentine's Day - Terri, Valentine's Day - Emma and Let's hear your speech. It is also a companion piece to Terri - Too long in the wind, too long in the rain and Emma - The days are long, and the nights are yours alone
AUTHORS' NOTES 3: We apologise for 'Authors' Notes 2' being so complicated.
Terri walks down the street aimlessly. She looks into store windows and sees nothing. She just got finished at work. She feels so tired and sluggish and overwhelmingly sad all the time, she thought some fresh air might help. It hasn't.
She hasn't heard anything from Emma in a week, not since she came over to make sure Terri hadn’t accidentally overdosed on Kendra’s sleeping pills. She supposes that's not a great deal of time in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like an eternity. She'd hoped Emma would have responded to one of her e-mails. She doesn't even know if she's been reading them. She feels powerless.
She spots a coffee shop across the street and decides that her body could really do with a caffeine injection.
~
Emma throws the pieces of her cup into the bin. The thing never stood a chance. She had finished her hot cocoa well over an hour ago, but she wanted to prolong her stay. She'd rather be alone surrounded by a room full of people, than alone by herself. She's started to use her own place as a hotel - only to eat and sleep. It's hard to go back to living by yourself after a month and a half of living with someone else.
She should be angry. She should be fuming and cursing the day she ever met Will and Terri Schuester. She's none of the above. She's hurt, sad, betrayed, and broken hearted. Anger didn't even think to stop by. At all. The incident with the pills only made her realise that her feelings ran much deeper than she had first thought.
And that is what confuses her. Because she should be angry. But she's not. She's just sad all the time.
With a heavy sigh, she pulls her jacket tighter around her body and goes out to brave the cold. She could do with some fresh air.
~
Terri's busy searching in her purse to make sure she brought her wallet with her. Lack of sleep is playing havoc with her memory these days. She locates it just as she reaches the door of the place. She reaches out for the handle only to meet with air and she finds herself colliding with another body. She grabs for the other person's arm to steady them as it seems they took the brunt of the impact.
"Oh God, I'm so so-" she begins, but stops short when she sees who she's bumped into. "Emma..."
Emma swears her heart has stopped beating and she gasps audibly. She was walking in a daze up until she smacked right into someone. And it wasn't until that someone spoke that she realised who it was she had bumped into.
"Terri..." she breathes out.
She stares at her for a full minute and she takes the time to take in Terri's appearance. She looks terrible. She's pasty, there are bags under her eyes, her eyes are bloodshot... she looks miserable.
Emma feels weight on her arm and she looks down, realising that Terri is still touching her. She slowly moves her arm out of her grip.
Feeling Emma pull away from her is almost physically painful. But Terri covers it with a feeble smile, shoving both hands into the pockets of her jeans. It's difficult to look at Emma. She's immaculately turned out, as ever, but her eyes are different, the light that's usually in them is gone and they're dull.
"How...uh, how are you?" Terri asks, trying to keep her tone light.
Emma nods her head. "Fine." That's quite possibly the biggest lie she's ever told in her life.
She wants to walk away. She wants the world to swallow her whole. She's not ready to see Terri, let alone talk to her. This isn't fair.
Still, she has manners. "You?"
Terri ponders her answer for longer than is strictly necessary.
"I'm...you know..." she shrugs, because there are no words that she can use to accurately describe how she's felt over the last couple of weeks so she settles on the one that comes closest. "..surviving."
Emma’s heart clenches a little. Terri rushes to speak again, unwilling to let Emma walk away.
"How's work?"
"Fine."
Emma sighs. She doesn't want to be harsh but she doesn't want to talk to her for longer than is necessary. Her heart clenches a little more as she watches Terri's face fall.
She's about to elaborate for Terri's sake but she's interrupted as people are trying to enter the coffee shop and it isn't until now that she realises they're still in the middle of the door way. She moves off to the side to let the people pass and Terri moves with her, moving slightly closer to Emma in the process. Terri sees Emma tense and she steps back again. It's painfully obvious that Emma doesn't want to be around her. She swallows down the hurt she feels and smiles.
"I don't want to hold you back if you've got somewhere to be..."
Emma closes her eyes. As much as she feels Terri doesn't deserve it - at all - she throws her a bone. "I don't, actually."
She sees a bit of light come across Terri's face, a sliver of hope, and all of a sudden Emma panics. She can't. She can't open herself up so soon after it happened. She back peddles.
"But we're not exactly headed in the same direction. You're coming in...I'm going out..."
"I don't have to go in," Terri says, hurriedly. "I was just going to grab a coffee. But I can go in whatever direction you're headed."
She shifts from foot to foot, looking at the floor, unable to look into Emma's eyes in case she rejects her.
"We could...talk. Or just walk and not talk, if that's what you want," Terri continues, her voice tinged with hope.
Emma sighs and looks at Terri...looks at the shell of Terri.
If she were any other person, she's pretty sure she'd have left Terri standing there on her own by now. If she were any other person, she'd have told her that she didn't want to talk to her. If she were any other person, she wouldn't be losing her resolve. She wouldn't feel her heart breaking even more than she thought possible.
But she's not any other person. She's Emma Pillsbury. And Emma Pillsbury is too nice for her own good, even when she is the one who gets completely screwed over. People deserve second chances, right? But this isn't Terri's second chance. Technically she's already struck out.... twice.
They do need to talk...
She takes another look at Terri. That's all it takes. They will walk but Terri will do the talking.
"I'll wait outside," she mumbles. She doesn't give Terri the chance to respond.
As Terri watches Emma walk out of the coffee shop she feels a warmth spread through her chest that has been absent over the last two weeks. She almost skips to the counter to order a black coffee but as she pays and accepts the hot beverage in return, her hands are shaking violently. Because she's not at all sure what she's going to say. Or what Emma's going to say. Or if she's prepared to hear things from Emma that she might not like.
Coffee might not be the best idea as it will only increase her jitters, but she's freezing so at least it will warm her up. She didn't think through her outfit before she left the house. She's only wearing a wife-beater under a thin cardigan. But then, she’d planned only to go from the car to work and back again. This little walk had been a spur of the moment decision. Terri tries to clamp down on the part of her that’s screaming ‘fate’.
Steeling herself as best as she can, she pushes the door open and is immensely relieved to see that Emma has indeed waited for her.
Emma has about a thousand thoughts flying around in her head. Half are questions she wants to ask, half are things she wants to say so she can let things out. But she can't sort and sift through them in her head, so she's unsure how she's going to sound if she even tries to verbalise them. She knows this is her dance; she's leading...but she's never been a good leader. Besides, if Terri wants to try to redeem herself, this is all on her. Emma will listen, because that's what she does.
"Which way?" Terri asks, prepared to go wherever Emma wants.
Emma jumps at Terri’s words. She turns and notices the slight way Terri’s coffee shakes in her hands. Emma wonders if she's nervous, cold, or jittery. Possibly all three at the same time. She knows that she herself is.
She takes a defensive stance and crosses her arms over her chest. She nods in the direction they want to go and accompanies that by saying, "Left."
"Left sounds good to me," Terri says, falling into step with Emma as she starts to head in the direction indicated.
Emma is pretty sure that she could have said 'you can walk in to traffic and I'll go home' and Terri still would have said it sounded like a good idea. She bites her tongue.
Terri is careful to leave a considerable gap between herself and Emma, she doesn't want the other woman to feel crowded or pressured in any way. They walk in silence for a few blocks, Emma's arms are still folded and Terri is cradling her coffee close to her mouth for warmth and as a small shield. Obviously Emma isn't going to speak first.
Terri takes a sip of coffee and glances to the side. Emma is looking straight ahead. Terri inhales deeply through her nose and holds her breath for a moment.
"Did you...uh...did you get my e-mails?"
Terri's voice startles Emma out of her head. She stumbles a little but regains her balance and continues walking, eyes front.
She nods her head. "I did. But I didn't read them." She turns her head to look at Terri for a second, sees the look on her face, and decides to put her mind at ease because she knows that Terri won't ask. "And, no, I didn't delete them either."
"Oh...okay."
Terri's slightly thrown by this revelation. Somewhere deep inside, she'd really expected Emma to be reading them. But at least she's not deleted them. Or filtered anything from Terri's address straight into her junk mail folder. Terri supposes she should be grateful for small mercies. She thinks about asking if Emma ever plans to read them, but doesn't think that would go down well. She hates this feeling of having to watch every word she says. Especially with Emma.
There's no coffee left in her cup so she deposits it in a trash can and wraps her arms around herself. She's shaking harder than before and it has nothing to do with caffeine or cold. She decides on a safer question, although she expects a noncommittal answer.
"Do you want me to stop sending them?"
Emma opens her mouth to talk, but closes it again almost instantly. She keeps queit for a few moments and chances a glance at Terri who's looking at her expectantly.
"I haven't read them... And I don't know if I will," she admits quietly. "I don't want you to waste your time when you could be doing more productive things..."
She sees that Terri is shaking and notices what she's wearing. She shakes her head shrugs out of her jacket, offering it to Terri. Emma has enough clothing on that she's feeling a little warm, anyway.
"If you don't look after yourself, you're going to get sick..."
Terri's still so caught up in trying to decide how she feels about Emma's response about the e-mails that she barely notices her taking off her jacket. She looks at the piece of clothing in Emma's hand, her mind wants to hear concern in the words that accompany it but is afraid to read too much into it.
She looks up into Emma's eyes and gently pushes the jacket back towards her, their fingers brushing together briefly as she does so.
"Thanks, but I'm fine, really," she says, her sad smile saying otherwise. "And there's no point in you getting cold."
Emma can read Terri like a book. They both know it. She sighs, ignores the bolt of electricity that runs up her arm when their fingers touch, and once again gives her another bone.
"Take the jacket," she says quietly. When Terri tries to protest, Emma cuts her off with a sympathetic smile and says, "I'm not the one shaking." She offers her the item of clothing once more.
"Thank you."
Terri takes the jacket. There's no point in trying to explain that she's not shivering from the cold, but from very real fear. She shrugs into the jacket and her throat closes up immediately as Emma's scent assaults her senses. She swallows with difficulty and spends some time fussing with the jacket, straightening it out and buttoning it up, so that she can avoid looking at Emma for a moment, until her eyes have cleared. When she does glance up, Emma isn't looking at her so it surprises her when Emma starts speaking.
"I can't account for what I may or may not do tomorrow, the day after or in a week's time. I can only tell you how I feel right now, at this very moment. Please don't make me feel bad about that."
Terri's chest throbs with regret.
"The last thing I want to do is make you feel bad, Emma," Terri says, her voice soft. "It kills me that I've made you...that I hurt you."
Emma doesn't know what to say . The obvious response is to tell her that she is hurt. And she does feel bad. She opts for nodding her head instead.
She looks at her surroundings - she hasn't really been taking much notice but she could probably walk these streets with her eyes closed - so it's no surprise when she sees they've ended up at the park that Emma often goes to when she wants to think. Walking the familiar path she leads Terri to the other end where there's a pond situated in the middle and bench opposite.
After thoroughly wiping down the bench - and catching a few splinters along the way - Emma sits down and stares out. Her legs are crossed and her hands are tucked in between them.
Terri's never been to this place before but Emma seems to be familiar with it. She looks at her sitting on the park bench and sighs. She doesn't know what to do with this quiet, unresponsive Emma.
She wants to tell her that she's sorry. That every moment of every day she wishes she hadn't gone to Will's. That she needs her. That she loves her. She's afraid to say any of that right now.
"Can I sit down?"
Emma sighs and looks up at Terri. "If I didn't want you to sit down, I wouldn't have agreed to be anywhere near you today. I would have left you at the coffee shop," she half snaps and she cringes.
She rubs her hands over her face. "Sit down," she practically whispers.
The outburst unsettles Terri. She had thought she would prefer a screaming match to the silent treatment, but now she's not sure. She sits down on the edge of the bench, leaving at least a foot between herself and Emma.
She lets her gaze wander over to the pond where a young couple are walking hand in hand. He leans in to whisper something in her ear and she giggles and hits him playfully. Terri has to look away.
"I'm surprised you didn't leave me at the coffee shop. You had every right to," she says, her eyes on the ground. " I...I want to make things better Emma, but I don't know how. I want to give you space, but I'm scared to leave you too long. I want to stop you from hurting, and I don't think I can."
Emma eyes the same young couple but unlike Terri, she stares at them intensely and almost misses what Terri says. She nods along with everything Terri is saying and waits until Terri is finished. Even still, a silence settles between them for a few moments while Emma thinks of a way to respond.
"How could you make things better?" She finally asks. "I mean, you certainly can't make things any worse..."
She ignores the guilt she feels at using the barb and she thinks that maybe she can do anger as an emotion... even if it doesn't suit her and even if she doesn't like it.
Terri can't handle this. Her first instinct is to snipe back. This is followed swiftly by the impulse to break down and cry. She tries to remember how she felt when she heard that Will had kissed Emma, so that she can relate to how Emma's feeling. But that only encourages the tears and she stands up abruptly, swiping at her eyes and trying to make it look as if she's rubbing her nose.
"Hey...uh, listen...I forgot...I actually have a...thing that I need to do," her voice is completely broken but she keeps going. "So I'm going to go and let you get back to your day, OK?"
Terri slips out of Emma's jacket and lays it on the bench next to her, letting her hair fall over her face to cover the tears that are now flowing.
"Thank you...for the jacket," she whispers.
She turns around and starts to walk away, trying to keep her emotions under control.
Emma shoots up from the bench the second Terri starts to walk away. She can't believe that Terri has the hide to do this. "You are the one who wanted to talk. You don't get to walk away," she calls out after her.
Terri stops walking at the sound of Emma's voice. She tries to compose herself as best as she can, wiping her face and taking a shuddering breath. She turns to face her. Emma is clearly livid. Terri takes a step towards her.
"You're right, I did want to talk. I don't think you want to talk to me, which is fine. But you just told me that I can't make it better," Terri's voice falters again under Emma's accusing glare. "And I don't know what to say to you except that I'm so, so sorry and that I'd do anything to make things right between us."
Emma doesn't bother to move back, she's rooted to the spot. "No, actually, I do want to talk. And you're going to listen," she says evenly. "You made such a big thing about me running away from things I couldn't handle, when that's all you do. You run from your emotions. All the time. I didn't say that you couldn't make things better. I asked you how you could make things better. Saying sorry isn't going to be enough."
She finishes her rant and takes a deep breath as she slumps back down on the bench, her hands covering her mouth. She hasn't yelled - she's quite proud that she kept her tone even, albeit tight - what she is not proud of is that she launched in to a rant when Terri is clearly terrified of the things that Emma might say.
Terri is slightly bolstered by Emma's reaction; it's the most passionate she's seen her since this all happened. Despite the fact that her body is screaming at her to kneel down and pull Emma into her arms, she holds herself back. She sits back down on the bench, a little closer to Emma than before. Emma still has her hand over her mouth and she's breathing heavily.
Terri doesn't look at her as she speaks.
"I know that saying sorry isn't enough. I don't know that anything's ever going to be enough, and that's what scares me, Emma," she says, quietly. "You once told me that Will deserved a lot better than me, and you were right. And you deserve so much better than me, but you wanna know something? I'm too selfish to let you go, unless that's what you want. So you just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it...because I love you."
Terri decides to take a chance. Still without looking at her face, she reaches out and covers Emma's hand with her own where it rests on the bench between them.
Emma stiffens when Terri's hand holds her own. Her touch brings on a wave of emotions that she isn't ready to deal with just now - especially not in front of Terri. She tries to swallow past the lump in her throat but she ends up hiccupping and choking on a sob instead. She turns her head away and pulls her hand of Terri's so she can wipe her eyes.
She turns back to look at Terri. "Do you? Love me?"
If Terri's heart wasn't broken before, it is now. She does nothing to stop the fresh wave of tears that make their way down her face at Emma's words.
"Do you need me to answer that?"
"Do you love me?"
Terri keeps her eyes locked with Emma's.
"I love you."
Emma swallows down a fresh wave of tears at Terri's admission.
"Then why did you do this?" she whispers.
Terri bows her head. That's the question she's asked herself a thousand times and never come up with a satisfactory answer. She looks back up.
"Emma...I did it because...I felt sorry for him. It had nothing to do with how much I love you. I need you to believe that. I stopped it because I love you."
Emma's eyebrows knit together.
"You... felt sorry for him? And that justifies it for you? Do you love him? I mean as much as you say you love me? I know you can't just turn off your emotions, even though I know you'd love to, but surely they're not nearly as strong..."
She's realises she's rambling and so she lets her sentence trail off into nothing. Terri reacts like she's been slapped.
"Of course it doesn't justify it! Nothing justifies what I did, Emma," she says, unable to keep the hurt out of her voice. "And you're right, I can't just turn my feelings off. I was with him for sixteen years, everything's familiar with him. But with you...it's completely different and new and amazing and scary."
She pauses, reaching for Emma's hand. She stops herself, still stinging from the last time Emma pulled away. She steels herself.
"Emma, I love you more than anything in the world. What will it take for you to believe that?"
Emma feels bad for the hurt that's so obvious in Terri's voice. She still can't bear to be touched by her, though so she balls her hands up, feeling even worse at the look that crosses Terri's face. How did she wind up feeling like the bad guy? Terri would probably be on her knees if she thought it would sway her decision. She shrugs her shoulders, because honestly she doesn't know what it will take...let alone if anything she does will make her believe anything Terri says.
"I don't know..."
Terri looks down at her feet at Emma's response, her heart sinking.
"Do you...do you still..." her voice trails off because she's afraid to ask the question; afraid of the answer.
"It wouldn't hurt this much if I didn't," Emma whispers, tears spilling from her eyes.
Terri lets out a shaky breath she didn't know she was holding. Regardless of the consequences, she reaches over and cups Emma's cheek, her thumb smoothing away her tears.
"So where do we go from here?" she asks, softly.
Emma closes her eyes against Terri's touch. For a moment she's comforted by it. Only a moment. She reaches up and gently removes Terri's hand from her cheek. She sniffles.
"I don't know..." she replies. "You're going to have to earn my trust back... and that might be a long process..."
She takes a deep breath.
"This is a huge deal, Terri. You realise that, right? We got somewhere today, but I'm still...there are no words to explain how I feel about this... I don't even know..."
She shakes her head and let's the sentence drop. She does love Terri... but she doesn't know if they can go back to how they were, but she’s not sure she can say that to Terri, not now.
Terri tries to smile through the pain of being pushed away, again.
"I realise it's a huge deal. And I'm in for the long haul, Emma," she says, looking into Emma's eyes, trying to convey how much she means this. "I'll be here when you're ready to...I'll be here."
She swallows and looks away, blinking rapidly. She wraps her arms around herself, both because the afternoon is getting colder and also because she needs comfort. She glances back at Emma.
"Can we do this again? Talk, I mean."
Emma nods. "Yeah. Yeah we can..." Her hand is itching to rub Terri's back but she can't bring herself to. "I'll call you...when I'm ready..." She adds. She does feel like they got somewhere today... but she's not ready to meet up again so soon.
Terri is heartened by Emma's reply.
"That's fine. You can call me," she says, a genuinely happy smile stretching over her lips for the first time in what seems like forever.
Emma sighs. She sees the look on Terri’s face and she doesn't have the heart to tell her that she may not be ready for a while after this encounter. Emma motions to her jacket still draped on the bench between them.
"You should put that back on..." she mumbles.
Terri looks at the jacket.
"No, you take it. If I take it I'll end up sleeping with it or something equally pathetic," she says before she can stop herself, internally rolling her eyes afterwards. "You look cold, you should put it back on."
"Take the jacket," Emma repeats. "I'm fine. I already told you before." she shakes her head as she eyes Terri's clothing again. "I'm amazed you haven't turned to ice..."
Terri picks up the jacket and pulls it on, a full-body shiver runs through her.
"I know...I haven't really been paying much attention to my outfits these days," she admits.
The atmosphere is awkward now. They've agreed the way forward so the conversation should really be at an end. But Terri doesn't want to be the one to say goodbye.
Emma nods her head, and senses the awkwardness looming over them. She can see that Terri wants to drag this out, but it can't be like this. Emma decides she's going to have to make the first move for this one.
"It's... uh...it's getting late...." she starts, and Terri nods, her face falling again. "I need to clean the place, you know? It hasn’t been done since yesterday..." she can feel herself blushing at that revelation. "Um...before we..." She stops as she realizes there's no easy way for this to go. She pulls her bag on to her lap and starts rummaging through it until she finds what's she's looking for. "I should...give this back to you..."
It's the key to Terri's place.
After the slight progress of the afternoon, this feels like a step backwards and Terri shakes her head, confused.
"No...I gave it to you, I wanted you to have it. If you give it back to me it's like we're..." she trails off because she realises what's happening.
Emma's breaking up with her.
Emma watches as what's left of Terri's heart shatters and she feels terrible. Her eyes well with tears.
"We need a clean slate, Terri." Emma begins quietly. "We can't just go back to the way we were. It won't work. You need to earn my trust back, as friends, first..."
She watches as Terri slumps in her chair and for the first time since their meeting, she reaches out and lays a hand on Terri's back.
"Terri, I love you... But I can't jump back into the deep end. Not after this. There are too many issues that we need to work out and if we do that while we pick up from where we left off, it will only hinder our progress."
She offers her the key again, tears spilling from her eyes.
"I wouldn't feel right carrying this around. You can give it back if we work out...if you want. But I can't keep this. That's giving you false hope right now... And I don't want to do that to you."
Terri looks from the key to Emma's face, her eyes, though wet with tears, have regained a little bit of the light Terri misses so much.
"A clean slate, huh?" she asks, her throat tight.
Emma nods her head slightly. Terri nods too. She reaches out and takes the key out of Emma's hand. She looks down at it lying in her palm before closing her fist around it and putting it in the pocket of her jacket. She wipes her eyes with the heel of her hand, thankful she didn't put make-up on before coming out.
She turns back to Emma and conjures up a smile, holding out her hand.
"Hi, I'm Terri Schuester."
Despite how she feels, Emma offers Terri a small smile. She takes Terri's offered hand and with a nod of her head she says, "I'm Emma Pillsbury. It's nice to meet you."