Ranged Touch attack on self for 20d20 + 100 damage
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the snow weasels come."
- Frederich Nietzsche
No not really.
Long time no post, yeah, but it seems like unless I have something to say about Deirdre here, I have nothing to say at all. As you may have guessed/know, I have something more to whine about. Super. Anyway, long story short, she has been trying to get in touch with me through MSN casually now and then, just cause she wants to talk about life and random stuff. But as much as I'd like to tell her SO many things I've learned and seen, I can't bear talking to her as just a friend. "Loved her too much to ever like her" raises its head again.
So anyway, I couldn't let her keep talking to me like that; I'm trying to move on, and the more I talk to her, the more nostalgic I'm going to get. So the other day when she said hi to me on MSN, I basically said that I couldn't bear to speak with her. Understandably, she was shocked and disappointed/upset that "I was still at that stage". It's not a stage. I'm perfectly fine talking to you, but ultimately, I'd be lying to you, to myself, and causing myself undue pain. Now all I have to worry about is myself, so my priority is keeping myself sane and healthy, even if I hate making her unhappy.
It would have been easier if she was angry with me, or anything else other than just sad and shocked by my revelation. It would have been much easier for me just to be able to YELL... but it was just quiet nostalgic sadness from the both of us. She said that she came on to chat about life and to wonder whether we could meet up at some point in the summer just to talk. I don't think so, Deirdre, I can't do it. I'm feeling confident and strong, able to handle any situation university life tosses at me, but when I talk to you, I feel myself regressing, and I don't want that to happen. I won't be able to talk to you until I feel my mental state is sufficiently strong on its own without having to think of you in my life. The question is at that point whether or not I'll want to talk at all.
Most disturbing for me in terms of thoughts generated is her one little throwaway comment about this whole kafuffle. Something like "the thought of a guy not being able to bear just being friends with a girl is both heartmelting and 'no, too complicated'" Damn you for that. I don't damn your emotions, I damn that you told me that. That EMPTY, cast aside quote has given me far more grief than it should have. It means nothing, so why do I keep analyzing it? Why do I block her, but keep reading her screen names? Just what the hell am I doing?
I can't cave and talk to her though. It's not a petty mindgame I'm playing, I firmly believe I'm doing the right thing for the both of us... but the heart and the body don't always agree with the head, as all of you know. I don't even know what else to say. I'm truly sad again for the first time in a while, and I don't know what I can do but wait until I'm not sad. And not think about her, again.
At least she doesn't know of this place. I have one sanctuary, at least. Even if her spectre is always floating around in my head, what I write here is concrete and untouched. It's about her, but really it's about me, and in years once I accidentally stumble across this again, I will read it, and I will be able to place myself in time. Not based on a girl in/out of my life, but based on how I wrote and thought.
There's power in the written word, and don't any of you ever doubt or forget that.
- Frederich Nietzsche
No not really.
Long time no post, yeah, but it seems like unless I have something to say about Deirdre here, I have nothing to say at all. As you may have guessed/know, I have something more to whine about. Super. Anyway, long story short, she has been trying to get in touch with me through MSN casually now and then, just cause she wants to talk about life and random stuff. But as much as I'd like to tell her SO many things I've learned and seen, I can't bear talking to her as just a friend. "Loved her too much to ever like her" raises its head again.
So anyway, I couldn't let her keep talking to me like that; I'm trying to move on, and the more I talk to her, the more nostalgic I'm going to get. So the other day when she said hi to me on MSN, I basically said that I couldn't bear to speak with her. Understandably, she was shocked and disappointed/upset that "I was still at that stage". It's not a stage. I'm perfectly fine talking to you, but ultimately, I'd be lying to you, to myself, and causing myself undue pain. Now all I have to worry about is myself, so my priority is keeping myself sane and healthy, even if I hate making her unhappy.
It would have been easier if she was angry with me, or anything else other than just sad and shocked by my revelation. It would have been much easier for me just to be able to YELL... but it was just quiet nostalgic sadness from the both of us. She said that she came on to chat about life and to wonder whether we could meet up at some point in the summer just to talk. I don't think so, Deirdre, I can't do it. I'm feeling confident and strong, able to handle any situation university life tosses at me, but when I talk to you, I feel myself regressing, and I don't want that to happen. I won't be able to talk to you until I feel my mental state is sufficiently strong on its own without having to think of you in my life. The question is at that point whether or not I'll want to talk at all.
Most disturbing for me in terms of thoughts generated is her one little throwaway comment about this whole kafuffle. Something like "the thought of a guy not being able to bear just being friends with a girl is both heartmelting and 'no, too complicated'" Damn you for that. I don't damn your emotions, I damn that you told me that. That EMPTY, cast aside quote has given me far more grief than it should have. It means nothing, so why do I keep analyzing it? Why do I block her, but keep reading her screen names? Just what the hell am I doing?
I can't cave and talk to her though. It's not a petty mindgame I'm playing, I firmly believe I'm doing the right thing for the both of us... but the heart and the body don't always agree with the head, as all of you know. I don't even know what else to say. I'm truly sad again for the first time in a while, and I don't know what I can do but wait until I'm not sad. And not think about her, again.
At least she doesn't know of this place. I have one sanctuary, at least. Even if her spectre is always floating around in my head, what I write here is concrete and untouched. It's about her, but really it's about me, and in years once I accidentally stumble across this again, I will read it, and I will be able to place myself in time. Not based on a girl in/out of my life, but based on how I wrote and thought.
There's power in the written word, and don't any of you ever doubt or forget that.