James Tiberius Kirk Hates Alfred Lord Tennyson (1/3)
Title: "James Tiberius Kirk Hates Alfred Lord Tennyson"
Series: "Dead Poets Society" (1/2)
Author: Taverl
Rating: PG overall, R in part 3 for brief mention of M/F/F sex
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy (unresolved), Kirk/Caitian/Caitian
Word Count: 4,775
Summary: Jim believes it's better never to have loved at all and thinks Bones would be better off believing the same.
Notes: Jim is kind of a jerk here, but he means well. If it helps, I'm currently working on fic that fixes what I've broken. Promise! :)
Acknowledgements: Huge thanks to all the lovely Word Warriors at jim-and-bones for encouragement and support. Even more thanks and wine (lots and lots of wine) to ken-ichijouji and Ellie for sharp-eyed beta. Any and all mistakes are mine.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all."
Tennyson is full of shit.
Jim remembers when he first discovered the great poets. How their verses resonated with his 13-year-old self, whispered in his head and his heart as if their authors were speaking to him directly and not from pages written centuries ago.
So when he first read those words, Jim's head popped up and he opened his mouth to argue with the long-dead author. It was almost a surprise to find himself alone in his room.
Jim saw what loving and losing did to a person and lived with the effects every day.
He wanted none of it.
Despite his mother's sunny smiles and bright laughter, Jim had always seen the pain and grief underneath. It was in the way she hugged him and his brother too tightly for too long and ended every exchange, even screaming arguments, with a strained "I love you." Every word, every interaction with her sons contained an undercurrent of desperation and worry.
Fear colored every aspect of Winona Kirk's life because she'd lost the man she loved and now was terrified she would lose her sons. Even before they were adults, her boys had started to drift away, not because she was letting them go but because she was holding them too tight.
Fear of watching them run away from her led her to run away from them instead, leaving them in the care of an uncle who was indifferent at best.
Loving and losing had ruined Jim's life on the day it began and he was determined to avoid that pain at all costs. Casual acquaintanceships, one-night stands, never become involved, never get too close.
It's been Jim's mantra and it served him well for 22 years.
Then he meets a man who'd loved too much, lost too much too soon. At first, Jim thinks he's found a kindred spirit. A man who has learned Tennyson is a liar and has closed off his heart to prevent yet more cycles of love and loss.
But Jim has always been more observant than people give him credit for and it doesn't take him long to realize that, underneath the complaining and grumbling, lies the softest heart in the known universe. A heart that would willingly love and lose because its owner actually believes the words of a long-dead Brit.
Jim should run. He should get as far away as fast as possible, but it's already too late. He's already christened Leonard as "Bones," effectively claiming him as his own. He's already become more emotionally invested in another person than ever before.
And so begins the greatest relationship of Jim's life. A friendship built on grief and second chances, on shared laughter, shared secrets and, occasionally, one too many shared drinks.
Jim tells Bones about his mother with her desperate love and weekly calls filled with barely-concealed fear. About his strained relationship with his older brother and the tentative steps they're making to rebuild the bond they once shared.
For the first time in years, he even talks about Tarsus.
In return, Jim listens as he never has before. He hears stories of an idyllic childhood dominated by a strict but loving father and indulgent mother. Of a college infatuation that both parties mistook for love and that quickly devolved into hostility. He strains his ears to catch every whispered word telling him about a ruthless, incurable disease and the way it wrecked a man who'd once been his family's pillar of strength. He listens to the choked voice of his best friend explain how he'd destroyed his already-fragile marriage and damaged his own health in a frantic attempt to find a cure when so many others before had tried and failed.
He listens to Bones explain how he'd granted his father's last wish and helped end his pain.
Jim has never held anyone as they cried, but it feels natural to wrap his arms around Bones's wide shoulders, cradle the back of his head in his hand and let the other man weep. Jim feels his shirt get damp with tears as Bones buries his head against his shoulder and clutches at Jim's arms.
He has no idea how much time passes, but Jim suddenly realizes he's interspersing his gentle reassurances with equally gentle kisses to the top of Bones's head.
He is so fucked.
Fortunately, Bones soon stops crying and seems exhausted by his emotional outburst. He tries apologizing to Jim, who just waves him off and helps Bones take his shoes off and get into bed.
Once Jim is certain the other man is asleep, he slips out and makes his way back to his own dorm room. Taking the long way around campus gives him time to think and try to figure out how to deal with what's just happened.
As always, his first impulse is to run. Towards or away: that is the question. He rejects the idea of running away immediately. Not only would Bones just follow him, and probably kick his ass when he caught him, but Jim likes having a best friend and doesn't want to lose him.
But running towards isn't a viable option, either. Jim knows his best friend is a good-looking guy and occasionally wonders what it would be like with him. But Bones has never hinted he wants anything more from their relationship than friendship and Jim is neither so desperate nor so sex-obsessed that he would risk what they have for a quick tumble.
So, if he isn't going to run away from Bones and he isn't going to run towards him, what other option does he have? He needs to run, because...well, because that's what he always does.
Jim has almost reached Ride Hall when he realized there's another option he's never considered before: beside. He and Bones met when they were both running away and they've been running side-by-side ever since. Running the Academy gauntlet to be the top of their respective tracks. Running away from the administrative bullshit endemic to an organization as large as Starfleet. Running to keep up with students so much younger and more naive than themselves.
Standing before the door to his room, Jim makes his decision: he'll stay beside Bones and keep running with his best friend, wherever the trail leads them.
Yeah, he can do this.
Part Two
Series: "Dead Poets Society" (1/2)
Author: Taverl
Rating: PG overall, R in part 3 for brief mention of M/F/F sex
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy (unresolved), Kirk/Caitian/Caitian
Word Count: 4,775
Summary: Jim believes it's better never to have loved at all and thinks Bones would be better off believing the same.
Notes: Jim is kind of a jerk here, but he means well. If it helps, I'm currently working on fic that fixes what I've broken. Promise! :)
Acknowledgements: Huge thanks to all the lovely Word Warriors at jim-and-bones for encouragement and support. Even more thanks and wine (lots and lots of wine) to ken-ichijouji and Ellie for sharp-eyed beta. Any and all mistakes are mine.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all."
Tennyson is full of shit.
Jim remembers when he first discovered the great poets. How their verses resonated with his 13-year-old self, whispered in his head and his heart as if their authors were speaking to him directly and not from pages written centuries ago.
So when he first read those words, Jim's head popped up and he opened his mouth to argue with the long-dead author. It was almost a surprise to find himself alone in his room.
Jim saw what loving and losing did to a person and lived with the effects every day.
He wanted none of it.
Despite his mother's sunny smiles and bright laughter, Jim had always seen the pain and grief underneath. It was in the way she hugged him and his brother too tightly for too long and ended every exchange, even screaming arguments, with a strained "I love you." Every word, every interaction with her sons contained an undercurrent of desperation and worry.
Fear colored every aspect of Winona Kirk's life because she'd lost the man she loved and now was terrified she would lose her sons. Even before they were adults, her boys had started to drift away, not because she was letting them go but because she was holding them too tight.
Fear of watching them run away from her led her to run away from them instead, leaving them in the care of an uncle who was indifferent at best.
Loving and losing had ruined Jim's life on the day it began and he was determined to avoid that pain at all costs. Casual acquaintanceships, one-night stands, never become involved, never get too close.
It's been Jim's mantra and it served him well for 22 years.
Then he meets a man who'd loved too much, lost too much too soon. At first, Jim thinks he's found a kindred spirit. A man who has learned Tennyson is a liar and has closed off his heart to prevent yet more cycles of love and loss.
But Jim has always been more observant than people give him credit for and it doesn't take him long to realize that, underneath the complaining and grumbling, lies the softest heart in the known universe. A heart that would willingly love and lose because its owner actually believes the words of a long-dead Brit.
Jim should run. He should get as far away as fast as possible, but it's already too late. He's already christened Leonard as "Bones," effectively claiming him as his own. He's already become more emotionally invested in another person than ever before.
And so begins the greatest relationship of Jim's life. A friendship built on grief and second chances, on shared laughter, shared secrets and, occasionally, one too many shared drinks.
Jim tells Bones about his mother with her desperate love and weekly calls filled with barely-concealed fear. About his strained relationship with his older brother and the tentative steps they're making to rebuild the bond they once shared.
For the first time in years, he even talks about Tarsus.
In return, Jim listens as he never has before. He hears stories of an idyllic childhood dominated by a strict but loving father and indulgent mother. Of a college infatuation that both parties mistook for love and that quickly devolved into hostility. He strains his ears to catch every whispered word telling him about a ruthless, incurable disease and the way it wrecked a man who'd once been his family's pillar of strength. He listens to the choked voice of his best friend explain how he'd destroyed his already-fragile marriage and damaged his own health in a frantic attempt to find a cure when so many others before had tried and failed.
He listens to Bones explain how he'd granted his father's last wish and helped end his pain.
Jim has never held anyone as they cried, but it feels natural to wrap his arms around Bones's wide shoulders, cradle the back of his head in his hand and let the other man weep. Jim feels his shirt get damp with tears as Bones buries his head against his shoulder and clutches at Jim's arms.
He has no idea how much time passes, but Jim suddenly realizes he's interspersing his gentle reassurances with equally gentle kisses to the top of Bones's head.
He is so fucked.
Fortunately, Bones soon stops crying and seems exhausted by his emotional outburst. He tries apologizing to Jim, who just waves him off and helps Bones take his shoes off and get into bed.
Once Jim is certain the other man is asleep, he slips out and makes his way back to his own dorm room. Taking the long way around campus gives him time to think and try to figure out how to deal with what's just happened.
As always, his first impulse is to run. Towards or away: that is the question. He rejects the idea of running away immediately. Not only would Bones just follow him, and probably kick his ass when he caught him, but Jim likes having a best friend and doesn't want to lose him.
But running towards isn't a viable option, either. Jim knows his best friend is a good-looking guy and occasionally wonders what it would be like with him. But Bones has never hinted he wants anything more from their relationship than friendship and Jim is neither so desperate nor so sex-obsessed that he would risk what they have for a quick tumble.
So, if he isn't going to run away from Bones and he isn't going to run towards him, what other option does he have? He needs to run, because...well, because that's what he always does.
Jim has almost reached Ride Hall when he realized there's another option he's never considered before: beside. He and Bones met when they were both running away and they've been running side-by-side ever since. Running the Academy gauntlet to be the top of their respective tracks. Running away from the administrative bullshit endemic to an organization as large as Starfleet. Running to keep up with students so much younger and more naive than themselves.
Standing before the door to his room, Jim makes his decision: he'll stay beside Bones and keep running with his best friend, wherever the trail leads them.
Yeah, he can do this.
Part Two