Fledgling

[syddnboo]

Genre: Poetry    Word Count: 78

When all your dreams
     have turned to dust.
When all of life
     has a thick layer of rust.
When you're not quite sure
     why you're YOU anymore.
This is the time.
This is the place.
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
Jump.
Don't look back-
     Don't look down
Let the winds of change envelop
As your new hope rises,
it takes

Comments

[writingmoments]

Yes, when everything falls apart, that's when you need the courage to take a chance.

Very good reminder. Thanks for sharing!

[betweenthelynes]

this reminds me of another poem, not sure by who.
best compliment I can give: reminds me of another author.
:) :)
good work here.

[syddnboo]

Thank you. As I wrote it it felt familiar, but I cannot recall why either.

[innana88]

I really love the way you've arranged this on the 'page'. It's quite lovely!

I don't know if it was intentional, but the extra syllable of 'thick' in line 4 actually 'thickens' and makes bumpy that line the way that rust would. A nice detail!

It sounds like something inspirational to give a graduate. :)

[syddnboo]

It was intentional, but not in a syllable counting sort of way- it just felt right. I usually write an edit poems based on intuition- not syllable counting.

Thank you for your kind words.

Editor chiming in!

[innana88]

Hi again!

I'm your second editor this week! I know I left a few comments for you earlier, but I like to let pieces marinate for a while and come back to them before I edit fully. :)

Diving in:

When all your dreams
have turned to dust.
When all of life
has a thick layer of rust.
When you're not quite sure
why you're YOU anymore.There should be an ellipsis instead of a period after 'anymore'. I agree with Bardi that a nice space here would give the reader a pause to shift with you. Edit to clarify: actually, I'm suggesting that the break take place after the sixth line instead

[bluegerl]

Are you talking to me? - just doing just that, lass... and what a lovely little wise word poem. Delightful and I hope many people remember it from time to time! Bless, Old Blue - Jumping!!!!

[syddnboo]

Not to you specifically- but I think everyone either is in this position or has been at some point.

I'm talking as much to myself as to someone else. I have always wanted to be a writer, and I'm paying off student loans for education on the subject- but I work retail and between it and the other life changes since I graduated- I haven't had much time to write. Now I'm taking that leap and trying to get out and write again. Small gestures leading to bigger aspirations.

I'm also hoping to get out of retail- or at least out of this company sooner than later.

[bluegerl]

Well then, good luck. It's just that I am jumping again!!! at 81 too! But why the hell not - it's better than staying rooted to nothing.

So make time to write, and whatever else, it does give you one way of 'flying' and changing SOMETHING!

Good luck, and happy landings!!!

dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[bardiphouka]

Allo, sorry for being late, been one of those weeks..guns and ladders and such. Anyway, I am one of your editors this week.

Very inspirational piece. I would make a few suggestions, which, as I always remind people, are just that...suggestions.

I would do a break after the first quatrain. Simply because that is the only rhyming bit of the poem. Just keeps things neat.

I might suggest also breaking jump before and after..for the emphasis of it?

I think I would replace budding wings with hmm...newfound? or something. The problem with budding wings is that they really don't, well, work. Not yet at least. and it would tie into the last line, the person addressed could always fly..they have just found their wings.

all in all a lovely piece, hope to see more.

Re: dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[syddnboo]

It's no worries. I wasn't sweating the details.

Thank you for all your feedback. I think you have some great ideas on changing the piece. I wouldn't have signed up for editing if I hadn't wanted feedback on how to improve. :-)