(no subject)
Alana's not really his hag, but she's a good friend anyway, so when Michael gets kicked out of his apartment at 10 am on a Tuesday morning, she takes him to the Doug Fir and buys him a Bloody Mary while they wait for their food to show up.
"I mean, this guy's not even his boyfriend!" Michael moans into the table. "Evan just picked him up in the bathroom of the Silver Dildo last night! How skanky can you get?"
Alana rubs the back of his hand, her palm hot from her coffee cup. "Well, you did walk in on them," she says. "A lot of people get really uncomfortable about that kind of thing."
He raises his head to stare at her in disbelief. "They. Were fucking. On my futon."
Her eyes widen. "... Oh," she says, and bites the edges of her lower lip in a way he knows means she's trying not to burst out laughing. He flips her off and sucks back half of his Bloody Mary. The waitress shows up with their breakfasts.
"Honestly," she tells him as she cuts her waffle into neat squares, "I think you're better off out of there."
He shoves a forkful of eggs into his mouth and chews morosely. "Ew, and now I have to wash the cover."
"I'm serious -- we both know Evan's an asshole, and he treated you like crap," she insists. "It's time you get a more stable living situation. You can't just couch-surf for the rest of your twenties."
"I don't think it's couch-surfing when you bring your own couch," he mutters. They've had this argument on multiple occasions in the two-and-a-half months he's been living there, and it always goes something like this. Con: Evan's inconsiderate, selfish, and prone to locking Michael out when his "classier" friends came over. Pro: which isn't all that often, because Evan hates cleaning the apartment, and he's been letting Michael stay their for free. Con: in exchange for Michael doing maid duty and providing sexual favors. Pro: it's not like Michael actually clean either, and the sex was amazing. Con: which it should be, considering Evan is a raging manwhore, banging half the city, and basically likes having Michael around so he can get laid without ever having to leave the apartment. Con: no rebuttal, cue sulking, attempt to elicit sympathy, or subject change.
"Also, last time I checked, homelessness wasn't really considered a stable option," he says.
She tilts her head in acknowledgement and scrapes some whipped cream off the side of her plate. "Well, he gave you until Friday, right? I'll ask around, see if I know anyone who's looking for a roommate. How much could you do rentwise?"
"With my college loans?" He rolls his eyes. "Three, three-twenty-five tops. And that's without utilities."
Alana raises her eyebrows. "Um. Well. You might be able to find ... something." She shrugs. "I mean, you're living with Evan, so at least we know your standards are nonexistent."
He throws his napkin at her head.
"I mean, this guy's not even his boyfriend!" Michael moans into the table. "Evan just picked him up in the bathroom of the Silver Dildo last night! How skanky can you get?"
Alana rubs the back of his hand, her palm hot from her coffee cup. "Well, you did walk in on them," she says. "A lot of people get really uncomfortable about that kind of thing."
He raises his head to stare at her in disbelief. "They. Were fucking. On my futon."
Her eyes widen. "... Oh," she says, and bites the edges of her lower lip in a way he knows means she's trying not to burst out laughing. He flips her off and sucks back half of his Bloody Mary. The waitress shows up with their breakfasts.
"Honestly," she tells him as she cuts her waffle into neat squares, "I think you're better off out of there."
He shoves a forkful of eggs into his mouth and chews morosely. "Ew, and now I have to wash the cover."
"I'm serious -- we both know Evan's an asshole, and he treated you like crap," she insists. "It's time you get a more stable living situation. You can't just couch-surf for the rest of your twenties."
"I don't think it's couch-surfing when you bring your own couch," he mutters. They've had this argument on multiple occasions in the two-and-a-half months he's been living there, and it always goes something like this. Con: Evan's inconsiderate, selfish, and prone to locking Michael out when his "classier" friends came over. Pro: which isn't all that often, because Evan hates cleaning the apartment, and he's been letting Michael stay their for free. Con: in exchange for Michael doing maid duty and providing sexual favors. Pro: it's not like Michael actually clean either, and the sex was amazing. Con: which it should be, considering Evan is a raging manwhore, banging half the city, and basically likes having Michael around so he can get laid without ever having to leave the apartment. Con: no rebuttal, cue sulking, attempt to elicit sympathy, or subject change.
"Also, last time I checked, homelessness wasn't really considered a stable option," he says.
She tilts her head in acknowledgement and scrapes some whipped cream off the side of her plate. "Well, he gave you until Friday, right? I'll ask around, see if I know anyone who's looking for a roommate. How much could you do rentwise?"
"With my college loans?" He rolls his eyes. "Three, three-twenty-five tops. And that's without utilities."
Alana raises her eyebrows. "Um. Well. You might be able to find ... something." She shrugs. "I mean, you're living with Evan, so at least we know your standards are nonexistent."
He throws his napkin at her head.