"Say that you love me": 21 horrible choices for wedding first dance songs from my computer
(With apologies to The A.V. Club)
1. "We Can Work It Out," The Beatles
As Rachel and I continue our wedding planning, the task of picking our first dance song has come to me. As is its wont, my mind drifted as I looked through my music collection on my computer to the worse possible songs to play at that moment. This peppy tune from The Beatles asks the simple question, "Have you ever considered the possibility that you are wrong here?" I can understand the sentiment, but that's not a good question to ask at that moment.
2. "Galaxy Song," Monty Python
Rather than trying to resolve an argument, Monty Python asks why bother with the entire thing. Life, even two lives being intertwined forever, is nothing in the face of the the sheer size of the universe. A good sentiment for talking oneself into donating a liver. Not so good for a wedding.
3. "Mack the Knife," Various
How did a song in German describing the deeds of an arsonist, robber, rapist, etc. become a jazz standard? The fact that the lyrics were cleaned up a lot helps. Still, that's not going to work, not even Ella Fitzgerald's legendary improvised version.
4. & 5. "She's Always a Woman," Billy Joel & "Just Like a Woman," Bob Dylan
Ah, the dulcet sounds of causal misogyny.
6. "Sad Songs and Waltzes," Willie Nelson
As much as I love meta-ness and as catchy as this song is (you'll be humming this for the rest of the day. You're welcome.) there's no room for a break-up song on our dance floor. Sorry, Willie.
7. "Eat Blazing Electric Death Bitch!" TreePhort
Seriously, do I have to explain this one? At least it wears its misogyny on its sleeve. Straight up misanthropy, really.
8. "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" The Beatles
Again, do I have to explain this one? Incidentally, the alternative take of this song featured on the third Anthology is much better than the album version. It has a lot more nuance. Really.
9. "Guile Stage," Hyper Street Fighter II
Guile's Theme goes with most everything, but this isn't one. Now if ninjas burst in during the reception I want this ready to go. It will be in our DJ's contract.
10. & 11. "Intermittently" & "Thanks That Was Fun," Barenaked Ladies
Excellent break-up songs that spell out how much the singer doesn't need his ex by singing a song about how much happier they are without her. Yep. That's why I wrote you a song. Yep.... PLEASE TAKE ME BACK MY BED IS SO COLD!
"Thanks That Was Fun" (No embed allowed)
12. "Lovefool," The Cardigans
Maybe if we fell into a time wrap and appeared at our middle school end of year semi-formal. I'm not gonna lie: I still love this song, but the whole "pretend you love me and I'll be happy with that" thing isn't a good start for married life.
13. "Never Gonna Give You Up," Rick Astley
Maybe if we fell into a time warp and landed in 2007. Or maybe this version.
14. "My Wife," The Who
As much as I love songs about insane wives violently chasing down their husbands over misunderstandings, maybe I shouldn't give Rachel any ideas. Amazing song though.
15. "Lay All Your Love on Me," ABBA
This song is like "I'll Be Watching You"'s slightly less creepy older cousin, though I'd take my chances with stalk-y Sting over yandere Agnetha. Then again, I'd be willing to ignore the dark undercurrent if Rachel would let us hire a squad of flipper-footed back-up dancers.
16. "Come Again," John Dowland
As much as I love a good 16th century orgasm metaphor...
17. "La Boree" (Parson's Farewell), traditional (lyrics by Adrianus Valerius)
It would be fun to learn a Baroque dance, maybe involve parents/wedding party/already drunk guests, but that would be a lot of work. Besides, the Valerius lyrics wrote to this tune (which I can't find on YouTube or online in English) basically turn this song into the 16th century version of "You're So Vain." So more God and damnation. Sample lyrics: God toch siet,/Waer ghy vliet,/Loopt of gaet,/Liegt of staet (Yet God sees, where you flee, run or go, lie or stand)
18. "Aria de Mezzo Carattere," Nobuo Uematsu (Final Fantasy VI)
Beautiful though this song is (and impressive considering the technology restrictions Uematsu was working within) this song is wrong for one simple reason: it's the lament of a woman being forced to turn her back on her true love and marry another. The fact that the lyrics only match up with the music in the original Japanese and the fact that only 2% (that's generous) of the audience will know what this song is are just gravy.
19. "If You Want to Be Happy," Jimmy Soul
25. That's the over/under line on how many teeth I'd have left in my mouth by the time this song finished playing. I have all my wisdom teeth, so keep that in mind.
20. "I Touch Myself," Scala and Kolacny Brothers version
The song is bad by itself. A version sang by under-aged Eastern European girls? Yeah...no.
21. "Ironic," Alanis Morissette
Wouldn't it be ironic if we played this song on our wedding day? And what if it ra-ee-ianed? Huh? And what if we only supplied spoons at the dinner? Huh? HUH?
H-hey! Where are you going?
1. "We Can Work It Out," The Beatles
As Rachel and I continue our wedding planning, the task of picking our first dance song has come to me. As is its wont, my mind drifted as I looked through my music collection on my computer to the worse possible songs to play at that moment. This peppy tune from The Beatles asks the simple question, "Have you ever considered the possibility that you are wrong here?" I can understand the sentiment, but that's not a good question to ask at that moment.
Click to view2. "Galaxy Song," Monty Python
Rather than trying to resolve an argument, Monty Python asks why bother with the entire thing. Life, even two lives being intertwined forever, is nothing in the face of the the sheer size of the universe. A good sentiment for talking oneself into donating a liver. Not so good for a wedding.
3. "Mack the Knife," Various
How did a song in German describing the deeds of an arsonist, robber, rapist, etc. become a jazz standard? The fact that the lyrics were cleaned up a lot helps. Still, that's not going to work, not even Ella Fitzgerald's legendary improvised version.
4. & 5. "She's Always a Woman," Billy Joel & "Just Like a Woman," Bob Dylan
Ah, the dulcet sounds of causal misogyny.
6. "Sad Songs and Waltzes," Willie Nelson
As much as I love meta-ness and as catchy as this song is (you'll be humming this for the rest of the day. You're welcome.) there's no room for a break-up song on our dance floor. Sorry, Willie.
7. "Eat Blazing Electric Death Bitch!" TreePhort
Seriously, do I have to explain this one? At least it wears its misogyny on its sleeve. Straight up misanthropy, really.
8. "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" The Beatles
Again, do I have to explain this one? Incidentally, the alternative take of this song featured on the third Anthology is much better than the album version. It has a lot more nuance. Really.
9. "Guile Stage," Hyper Street Fighter II
Guile's Theme goes with most everything, but this isn't one. Now if ninjas burst in during the reception I want this ready to go. It will be in our DJ's contract.
10. & 11. "Intermittently" & "Thanks That Was Fun," Barenaked Ladies
Excellent break-up songs that spell out how much the singer doesn't need his ex by singing a song about how much happier they are without her. Yep. That's why I wrote you a song. Yep.... PLEASE TAKE ME BACK MY BED IS SO COLD!
"Thanks That Was Fun" (No embed allowed)
12. "Lovefool," The Cardigans
Maybe if we fell into a time wrap and appeared at our middle school end of year semi-formal. I'm not gonna lie: I still love this song, but the whole "pretend you love me and I'll be happy with that" thing isn't a good start for married life.
13. "Never Gonna Give You Up," Rick Astley
Maybe if we fell into a time warp and landed in 2007. Or maybe this version.
14. "My Wife," The Who
As much as I love songs about insane wives violently chasing down their husbands over misunderstandings, maybe I shouldn't give Rachel any ideas. Amazing song though.
15. "Lay All Your Love on Me," ABBA
This song is like "I'll Be Watching You"'s slightly less creepy older cousin, though I'd take my chances with stalk-y Sting over yandere Agnetha. Then again, I'd be willing to ignore the dark undercurrent if Rachel would let us hire a squad of flipper-footed back-up dancers.
16. "Come Again," John Dowland
As much as I love a good 16th century orgasm metaphor...
17. "La Boree" (Parson's Farewell), traditional (lyrics by Adrianus Valerius)
It would be fun to learn a Baroque dance, maybe involve parents/wedding party/already drunk guests, but that would be a lot of work. Besides, the Valerius lyrics wrote to this tune (which I can't find on YouTube or online in English) basically turn this song into the 16th century version of "You're So Vain." So more God and damnation. Sample lyrics: God toch siet,/Waer ghy vliet,/Loopt of gaet,/Liegt of staet (Yet God sees, where you flee, run or go, lie or stand)
18. "Aria de Mezzo Carattere," Nobuo Uematsu (Final Fantasy VI)
Beautiful though this song is (and impressive considering the technology restrictions Uematsu was working within) this song is wrong for one simple reason: it's the lament of a woman being forced to turn her back on her true love and marry another. The fact that the lyrics only match up with the music in the original Japanese and the fact that only 2% (that's generous) of the audience will know what this song is are just gravy.
19. "If You Want to Be Happy," Jimmy Soul
25. That's the over/under line on how many teeth I'd have left in my mouth by the time this song finished playing. I have all my wisdom teeth, so keep that in mind.
20. "I Touch Myself," Scala and Kolacny Brothers version
The song is bad by itself. A version sang by under-aged Eastern European girls? Yeah...no.
21. "Ironic," Alanis Morissette
Wouldn't it be ironic if we played this song on our wedding day? And what if it ra-ee-ianed? Huh? And what if we only supplied spoons at the dinner? Huh? HUH?
H-hey! Where are you going?