Fic: Mass Observation
Title: Mass Observation
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters contained herein. They'd never be in the same place if I did.
Genre: Gen, Humour (I hope) / The Usual Suspects, House, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, ER and The O.C.
Spoilers: The Usual Suspects. That's the actual film, not some obscure reference.
Author's Note: Inspired by the wonderful and hilarious untitled one-shot by mcee, documenting a day in the life of Dean Winchester, in the style of Bridget Jones and the Mass Observation Project. I encourage you to visit both sites and to take particular note of the web address of the latter. Character prompts were suggested by my ever delightful flist here. In short, none of this is my fault. Much thanks to yessi_5 for the improved (ie accurate) German translation.
Words: 1456
Summary: Fandoms (5, improbable), doctors (2, some interesting comment to be made on prevalence of hurt/comfort in American television here perhaps), languages (2, surprising), online language translation service utilised (1, entirely predictable).
In the late twentieth and early twenty-first century, it was determined by the Nielsen Adversarial Index that a national project should be initiated in order to collate a people's archive, documenting the experiences of ordinary people in an extraordinary world. The responses were v. good.
The following diary entries are excerpts from that project, presented here in the hope they may shed light on that golden age in these weary times.
~~~
Subject: Keyser Soze, Criminal Mastermind
Suspects eliminated: 4. Ships razed to the ground (expensive, must halt these grand gestures). Limps faked (one, v. painful, must invent better disguise- maybe handlebar moustache???).
Yesterday v. busy. Morning spent cleaning up mess of Dean Keaton. Surely there must be an agency available for such things? If not, could perhaps start one. Potential business opportunity? Note to self- stop hiring Hungarians, they are far too hardy.
Kobayashi godsend as always. Excellent timing and car sufficiently waxed and buffed to make really good exit. Had to resist urge to shout " Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" to Dave Kujan as I drove past. Smarter than me, my ass. V. insulting.
Shall have a night off. Perhaps watch The Princess Bride again. The Dread Pirate Roberts ultimate action hero. Slaughters everyone in sight and still gets the girl. Brainwave: will buy mask for new disguise. Cheap and machine washable. Also, black v. slimming.
~~~
Subject: Lisa Cuddy, Endocrinologist
Pro-pregnancy vitamins taken (12), number of minions possessed (0, unacceptable) minions required (multiple).
8.00am: Volunteered for clinic duty as part of latest effort to shame House.
8.05am: Vomited on by toddler. Stupid small people.
8.06am: Showered, changed clothes. Remembered House has no shame and decided not to return to clinic duty. Slinked off to "staff meeting", now sitting at desk with new copy of US Weekly and a bran muffin. Much better plan.
8.20am: Found by House. Fuckity fuck fuck. Shame deflected on to self. Fairly certain blushing was evident, magazine unfortunately clearly visible. It's going to be an unbearable day.
10:03am: Day much improved after vomiting toddler vomited blood. Assigned case to House and related subsidiaries. Toddler has now vomited on three of them. House looks ridiculous in scrubs. Suspect strongly Cameron orders her own from Internet. Mine are not that fitted.
11.17am: House slips on vomit, broke cane. Threatens to sue. Yawn.
12.43pm: House twirls pimp cane with irritating flair. Tell him he looks like a majorette, glare v. pointed. Describes toddler's copious vomiting in great detail while I attempt to eat yoghurt. Bastard.
3.00pm: Drop in on minion brainstorming session. First tests have proved negative for everything, best and brightest are frowning. 5…4…3…2…1… lupus! Is this what I'm paying them for? What do they spend their money on?
3.02pm: Chase opens window, light breeze catches his hair in attractive fashion. Chase obviously spending money on expensive shampoo. Worth every penny.
5.15pm: Toddler dead. That was unexpected.
5.55pm: Hurricane House returns to office. I refer to US Weekly's pop psychology quiz "Are you a perfectionist?" to make my point. House mooches off. Predict piano playing and single malt within the hour. He is so emo.
7.17pm: Home. Pee on stick. Wish had bought shares in pregnancy tests when younger. Would have made fortune, though would possibly be incarcerated for insider trading.
7.19pm: Check stick. Still not pregnant. Beginning to suspect Wilson fire blanks.
~~~
Subject: Doug Ross, Pediatrician
Hours worked (24), hours slept (8, average), hours supposed to be sleeping but actually spent downstairs with Carol conducting "inventory" (5, excellent).
8.00pm: And thus begins my impromptu night shift. Knew giving Weaver that wedgie at lunch was going to come back and bite me in the ass.
8.01pm: Check out ass in bathroom. Light blue is so my color. Head tilt. Nod. Let's go to work.
2:35am: Why oh why did I become a pediatrician? Kids are so damn loud.
2:36am: Hot momma returns from bathroom. Now I remember why I became a pediatrician. Begin flirting.
2.38am: Husband arrives from airport, claiming his "flight" was "delayed". Yeah, right buddy. Holy McMoly, this guy is enormous. Cease flirting immediately.
4.00am: ER dead. Requisition curtain two.
4.42am: Arrrrrgh! Sat on by Carter. Sit bolt upright, Carter screams like a girl. Try to go back to sleep, but too awake. Begin plotting revenge.
5.27am: Carter brings me coffee. Never done that before. Is he flirting with me? V. plausible. Would also explain a lot. Ask Hathaway. Claims if Carter's sleeping with anyone manly it's Benton. A good point.
6.02am: Am disturbed by mental imagery of Benton and Carter in flagrante. Need sleep. Sneak into lounge, claim sofa. Bliss.
7.12am: Weaver in work early. Wakes me up with her locker door banging then asks me if I got any sleep. Tell her people with red hair were accused of devilry in middle age Europe. Tempted to re-wedgie. Resist.
7.14am: Forced by Weaver into finishing paperwork before end of shift. Beginning to think Middle Age Europeans were the smartest people ever. Invented glasses and therefore also an entire geeky-girl-is-secret-beauty / frog princess porn genre. Kudos.
7.19am: Although not actual amphibian porn. That would be wrong.
8.01am: ER snowed in. Trapped at work. Mark Greene trapped at home. Stupid Chicago. Weaver asks me to stay and cover. Plan double murder, could plead diminished responsibility caused by sleep deprivation.
8.03am: Hathaway returns. Shakes hair from hat like Rita Heyworth. Tells Weaver we’re going to take inventory in basement storage. God, I love this woman.
1.22pm: Wake in basement. Hathaway smiles when she dreams. Note from Greene left on cracked whiteboard: Doug, go home. Look at Carol. Already am.
~~~
Subject: Augustus Gloop, Competitive Eater (Juvenile)
Verzehrte Schokoriegel (0, inakzeptabel). Alpträume, in denen Klempnerarbeiten und winzige Chorknaben vorkamen (viel zu viele).
Bin immer noch auf Schokoentzug.
Müde.
Johannisbrotbaum ist schlecht.
Chocolate bars eaten (0, unacceptable). Number of nightmares featuring plumbing and diminutive choir boys (excessive).
Am still off chocolate.
Tired.
Carob is evil.
~~~
Subject: Winchester 'Che' Cook, Student, Activist
Animals liberated (1000, sea-monkeys, accidental). Roads less traveled taken (3, v. good). Moments of existential enlightenment (2, term paper due).
Time is a human construct, against the process of Mother Earth. Therefore, to be as one with Mother Earth, we must wake with the sun, sleep with the moon (except when new moon, or will be up for 48 hours). Only by abandoning our urge of human frailty to dominate this shared planet with the markings of hours and minutes can we truly walk with her.
Unfortunately this makes me late for my 8.30am philosophy lecture. Decide to live by the will of nature primarily at weekends and set alarm for classes.
10.00am: Explain Epistemology to Summer. She is indeed wise beyond her years.
2.00pm: Have volunteered to lead campus tour for prospective Freshmen. Their earnest faces, so ready for learning fill my heart with hope. We can fix this world.
3.40pm: Return tour group to lecture hall for orientation lecture. Face of volunteer coordinator Shirley strange shade of puce. Wanted to know if we had got lost. Told her we are none of us lost if we walk with a friend. Her response puzzling and v. hostile. Offer to cleanse Shirley's aura with Reiki and crystal therapy declined. Alas, we can only lead the horses to water; each stallion must choose to drink for themselves.
6.00pm: Impromptu exodus by spiritual drumming brothers and sisters to local beach. Spontaneity is the lifeblood of humanity.
6.12pm: Impromptu exodus rescheduled after discovering hide tide at beach. Relocated to grounds of mansion owned by fellow drummer's parents. If music be the food of love, play on.
8.15pm: Played on until drummer's father threatened us with violence. Retreated to campus, words of malice echoed by those of dorm RA, who requests silence for his studies. Explain life is a test, not just algebra. Invited to make better acquaintance with my mother.
Summer offers words of calm, reminding me one brother's silent study is another sister's meditation. Invites me to chant with her. We acquiesced and part with adversary, the slam of the RA's door echoing in my heavy heart. We live in such angry times.
9.17pm: Chi channels fully sluiced, return to intellectual study. Must write poem for English class. Compose haiku on the beauty of the sunset.
You bleed into night
My soul would stitch your wounds closed
But I'm not pre-med
11.42pm: The door closes on another day. Tomorrow brings such promise (parents' allowance due), beauty (Summer) and challenges (suspect Mr. Matthews is planning pop-quiz in Anthropology). Feel chi channels constricting slightly so light lavender candle and read lessons from Tao of Pooh before sleeping.
"While Eeyore frets ...
... and Piglet hesitates
... and Rabbit calculates
... and Owl pontificates
...Pooh just is."
Feel v. calm. My learned friends have many lessons to teach us.
~~~
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters contained herein. They'd never be in the same place if I did.
Genre: Gen, Humour (I hope) / The Usual Suspects, House, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, ER and The O.C.
Spoilers: The Usual Suspects. That's the actual film, not some obscure reference.
Author's Note: Inspired by the wonderful and hilarious untitled one-shot by mcee, documenting a day in the life of Dean Winchester, in the style of Bridget Jones and the Mass Observation Project. I encourage you to visit both sites and to take particular note of the web address of the latter. Character prompts were suggested by my ever delightful flist here. In short, none of this is my fault. Much thanks to yessi_5 for the improved (ie accurate) German translation.
Words: 1456
Summary: Fandoms (5, improbable), doctors (2, some interesting comment to be made on prevalence of hurt/comfort in American television here perhaps), languages (2, surprising), online language translation service utilised (1, entirely predictable).
In the late twentieth and early twenty-first century, it was determined by the Nielsen Adversarial Index that a national project should be initiated in order to collate a people's archive, documenting the experiences of ordinary people in an extraordinary world. The responses were v. good.
The following diary entries are excerpts from that project, presented here in the hope they may shed light on that golden age in these weary times.
~~~
Subject: Keyser Soze, Criminal Mastermind
Suspects eliminated: 4. Ships razed to the ground (expensive, must halt these grand gestures). Limps faked (one, v. painful, must invent better disguise- maybe handlebar moustache???).
Yesterday v. busy. Morning spent cleaning up mess of Dean Keaton. Surely there must be an agency available for such things? If not, could perhaps start one. Potential business opportunity? Note to self- stop hiring Hungarians, they are far too hardy.
Kobayashi godsend as always. Excellent timing and car sufficiently waxed and buffed to make really good exit. Had to resist urge to shout " Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" to Dave Kujan as I drove past. Smarter than me, my ass. V. insulting.
Shall have a night off. Perhaps watch The Princess Bride again. The Dread Pirate Roberts ultimate action hero. Slaughters everyone in sight and still gets the girl. Brainwave: will buy mask for new disguise. Cheap and machine washable. Also, black v. slimming.
~~~
Subject: Lisa Cuddy, Endocrinologist
Pro-pregnancy vitamins taken (12), number of minions possessed (0, unacceptable) minions required (multiple).
8.00am: Volunteered for clinic duty as part of latest effort to shame House.
8.05am: Vomited on by toddler. Stupid small people.
8.06am: Showered, changed clothes. Remembered House has no shame and decided not to return to clinic duty. Slinked off to "staff meeting", now sitting at desk with new copy of US Weekly and a bran muffin. Much better plan.
8.20am: Found by House. Fuckity fuck fuck. Shame deflected on to self. Fairly certain blushing was evident, magazine unfortunately clearly visible. It's going to be an unbearable day.
10:03am: Day much improved after vomiting toddler vomited blood. Assigned case to House and related subsidiaries. Toddler has now vomited on three of them. House looks ridiculous in scrubs. Suspect strongly Cameron orders her own from Internet. Mine are not that fitted.
11.17am: House slips on vomit, broke cane. Threatens to sue. Yawn.
12.43pm: House twirls pimp cane with irritating flair. Tell him he looks like a majorette, glare v. pointed. Describes toddler's copious vomiting in great detail while I attempt to eat yoghurt. Bastard.
3.00pm: Drop in on minion brainstorming session. First tests have proved negative for everything, best and brightest are frowning. 5…4…3…2…1… lupus! Is this what I'm paying them for? What do they spend their money on?
3.02pm: Chase opens window, light breeze catches his hair in attractive fashion. Chase obviously spending money on expensive shampoo. Worth every penny.
5.15pm: Toddler dead. That was unexpected.
5.55pm: Hurricane House returns to office. I refer to US Weekly's pop psychology quiz "Are you a perfectionist?" to make my point. House mooches off. Predict piano playing and single malt within the hour. He is so emo.
7.17pm: Home. Pee on stick. Wish had bought shares in pregnancy tests when younger. Would have made fortune, though would possibly be incarcerated for insider trading.
7.19pm: Check stick. Still not pregnant. Beginning to suspect Wilson fire blanks.
~~~
Subject: Doug Ross, Pediatrician
Hours worked (24), hours slept (8, average), hours supposed to be sleeping but actually spent downstairs with Carol conducting "inventory" (5, excellent).
8.00pm: And thus begins my impromptu night shift. Knew giving Weaver that wedgie at lunch was going to come back and bite me in the ass.
8.01pm: Check out ass in bathroom. Light blue is so my color. Head tilt. Nod. Let's go to work.
2:35am: Why oh why did I become a pediatrician? Kids are so damn loud.
2:36am: Hot momma returns from bathroom. Now I remember why I became a pediatrician. Begin flirting.
2.38am: Husband arrives from airport, claiming his "flight" was "delayed". Yeah, right buddy. Holy McMoly, this guy is enormous. Cease flirting immediately.
4.00am: ER dead. Requisition curtain two.
4.42am: Arrrrrgh! Sat on by Carter. Sit bolt upright, Carter screams like a girl. Try to go back to sleep, but too awake. Begin plotting revenge.
5.27am: Carter brings me coffee. Never done that before. Is he flirting with me? V. plausible. Would also explain a lot. Ask Hathaway. Claims if Carter's sleeping with anyone manly it's Benton. A good point.
6.02am: Am disturbed by mental imagery of Benton and Carter in flagrante. Need sleep. Sneak into lounge, claim sofa. Bliss.
7.12am: Weaver in work early. Wakes me up with her locker door banging then asks me if I got any sleep. Tell her people with red hair were accused of devilry in middle age Europe. Tempted to re-wedgie. Resist.
7.14am: Forced by Weaver into finishing paperwork before end of shift. Beginning to think Middle Age Europeans were the smartest people ever. Invented glasses and therefore also an entire geeky-girl-is-secret-beauty / frog princess porn genre. Kudos.
7.19am: Although not actual amphibian porn. That would be wrong.
8.01am: ER snowed in. Trapped at work. Mark Greene trapped at home. Stupid Chicago. Weaver asks me to stay and cover. Plan double murder, could plead diminished responsibility caused by sleep deprivation.
8.03am: Hathaway returns. Shakes hair from hat like Rita Heyworth. Tells Weaver we’re going to take inventory in basement storage. God, I love this woman.
1.22pm: Wake in basement. Hathaway smiles when she dreams. Note from Greene left on cracked whiteboard: Doug, go home. Look at Carol. Already am.
~~~
Subject: Augustus Gloop, Competitive Eater (Juvenile)
Verzehrte Schokoriegel (0, inakzeptabel). Alpträume, in denen Klempnerarbeiten und winzige Chorknaben vorkamen (viel zu viele).
Bin immer noch auf Schokoentzug.
Müde.
Johannisbrotbaum ist schlecht.
Chocolate bars eaten (0, unacceptable). Number of nightmares featuring plumbing and diminutive choir boys (excessive).
Am still off chocolate.
Tired.
Carob is evil.
~~~
Subject: Winchester 'Che' Cook, Student, Activist
Animals liberated (1000, sea-monkeys, accidental). Roads less traveled taken (3, v. good). Moments of existential enlightenment (2, term paper due).
Time is a human construct, against the process of Mother Earth. Therefore, to be as one with Mother Earth, we must wake with the sun, sleep with the moon (except when new moon, or will be up for 48 hours). Only by abandoning our urge of human frailty to dominate this shared planet with the markings of hours and minutes can we truly walk with her.
Unfortunately this makes me late for my 8.30am philosophy lecture. Decide to live by the will of nature primarily at weekends and set alarm for classes.
10.00am: Explain Epistemology to Summer. She is indeed wise beyond her years.
2.00pm: Have volunteered to lead campus tour for prospective Freshmen. Their earnest faces, so ready for learning fill my heart with hope. We can fix this world.
3.40pm: Return tour group to lecture hall for orientation lecture. Face of volunteer coordinator Shirley strange shade of puce. Wanted to know if we had got lost. Told her we are none of us lost if we walk with a friend. Her response puzzling and v. hostile. Offer to cleanse Shirley's aura with Reiki and crystal therapy declined. Alas, we can only lead the horses to water; each stallion must choose to drink for themselves.
6.00pm: Impromptu exodus by spiritual drumming brothers and sisters to local beach. Spontaneity is the lifeblood of humanity.
6.12pm: Impromptu exodus rescheduled after discovering hide tide at beach. Relocated to grounds of mansion owned by fellow drummer's parents. If music be the food of love, play on.
8.15pm: Played on until drummer's father threatened us with violence. Retreated to campus, words of malice echoed by those of dorm RA, who requests silence for his studies. Explain life is a test, not just algebra. Invited to make better acquaintance with my mother.
Summer offers words of calm, reminding me one brother's silent study is another sister's meditation. Invites me to chant with her. We acquiesced and part with adversary, the slam of the RA's door echoing in my heavy heart. We live in such angry times.
9.17pm: Chi channels fully sluiced, return to intellectual study. Must write poem for English class. Compose haiku on the beauty of the sunset.
You bleed into night
My soul would stitch your wounds closed
But I'm not pre-med
11.42pm: The door closes on another day. Tomorrow brings such promise (parents' allowance due), beauty (Summer) and challenges (suspect Mr. Matthews is planning pop-quiz in Anthropology). Feel chi channels constricting slightly so light lavender candle and read lessons from Tao of Pooh before sleeping.
"While Eeyore frets ...
... and Piglet hesitates
... and Rabbit calculates
... and Owl pontificates
...Pooh just is."
Feel v. calm. My learned friends have many lessons to teach us.
~~~