someday i might know my heart
someday i might know my heart; sehun/jongin | pg | ~4400w
au, angst | jongin just wants to be remembered.[warning]character death
✡
“i want to be remembered,” jongin says to sehun once. at that time, sehun merely nods, not really understanding why the cute eighteen-year-old boy he may or may not be in love with is suddenly turning all philosophical and deep.
he supposes he should’ve seen it coming, really, but hey. sehun has never really been sharp, never been quick to pick up on the little hints and figurative breadcrumbs that trailed in jongin’s wake.
✡
their first meeting takes place at everland, the tamest of all their meeting places ever. it takes place on an uneventful thursday in the school holidays when both of them are standing in line for the T-express, the famously rickety wooden roller-coaster that seems to be the highlight of the whole theme park (well, for both thrillseeking boys, anyway). sehun perks up when he hears jongin proclaiming loudly to his friend, “hey, kyungsoo, it’s the world’s steepest roller coaster! how can you pass this up?”
glancing behind briefly, sehun notices kyungsoo. he’s the boy beside jongin (though not part of the queue), wrinkling his nose and shaking his head vigorously. “was that supposed to encourage me to get on that ride? no way in hell, kim jongin.”
“yeah, he’d probably throw up or something,” a tall boy with a deep voice comes up from behind and joins in the conversation, thumping kyungsoo on the back enthusiastically.
“fuck you, park chanyeol, don’t make me bring up the time we watched paranormal activity and you cried while begging us to turn it off, okay. plus you’re not even going on the damn rollercoaster either!”
“that was supposed to be a secret! you can’t just go around spilling your friends’ secrets like that,” chanyeol whines, but then his eyes dart over to jongin standing placidly in the queue and bends down to kyungsoo’s height (kyungsoo glares and it’s a pity looks can’t kill because if they could sehun is pretty sure chanyeol would be vaporised right on the spot) to whisper in his ear.
it’s a pity chanyeol isn’t very good at whispering, though, because sehun can hear everything chanyeol says. still, he decides to give chanyeol one star for effort. after all, the boy did risk kyungsoo’s wrath by bending down to his height.
“you sure jongin can get on? i mean, it’s safe for him?”
why wouldn’t it be, sehun rolls his eyes all while facing front (it’s amazing how much you can hear when you eavesdrop on people’s conversations, really). he goes on tiptoes and cranes his neck, trying to gauge how many people are still in front of them, and sighs.
oh well. better find a way to occupy himself till he reaches the front of the line, then. behind him, chanyeol and kyungsoo are still worrying over jongin, asking him if he feels alright and whether or not he really wants to get on the rollercoaster at all. sehun hears jongin’s exasperated “yes, i’m pretty sure i’ll be okay! jeez, guys, you aren’t my mum --” and turns around, deciding oh what the hell.
“contrary to popular belief, roller coasters are actually safe. he’ll be strapped in securely and the ride hasn’t broken down since it began in 2008, so i’m pretty sure he’ll be okay.”
chanyeol and kyungsoo’s gazes jump to him and sehun’s almost a hundred percent certain that both boys are judging him. sehun just stares back, unimpressed. after all, it’s true - it’s perfectly safe for any normal person. what he doesn’t expect, though, is jongin slinging an arm around him, saying, “thank you. see guys? perfectly safe. don’t worry about me.”
kyungsoo sighs, and sehun can see him mentally giving up because of how set jongin is on conquering this ride. dragging chanyeol after him, he calls back, “fine. jongin, we’ll be back in half an hour, okay? meet you at the souvenir shop.”
jongin waits for kyungsoo and chanyeol to disappear before turning to sehun and smiling, eyes turning into dark crescents and shit, jongin is so cute when he smiles. jongin’s smile is wide and genuine, showing all of his teeth and spreading across his whole face. it’s a very sweet smile, and sehun can’t help the answering grin that blossoms across his face.
“thanks for getting rid of my friends back there,” jongin says gratefully as they inch forward in line. “they’re really great, but sometimes they just get a bit overbearing. i mean, it’s nice to know someone cares about you, but they act like my parents. definitely not great. anyway, i’m kim jongin. nice to meet you.”
sehun laughs. “i’m oh sehun. and speaking of your friends, they probably hate me now though, since i was pretty much an ass to them.”
“yeah, you were, weren’t you?” jongin ‘tsk’s in mock disappointment, shaking his head at sehun, and sehun retaliates by shoving him. he doesn’t mean anything by it, certainly doesn’t mean to hurt jongin, but it seems like even that slight push was too much for jongin as he stumbles and falls, landing hard on the ground. it all happens too fast for sehun to react and he looks on, shocked, as jongin gets up slowly.
“fucking hell,” jongin whispers, flinching as he gets up, causing the parents around the boys to look over with scandalised expressions. one mother even covers her kid’s ears.
“oh my god, i’m so sorry,” sehun finally snaps out of his trance and rushes over to help support jongin up, but jongin just waves him off and dismisses it as nothing.
“you sure you’re okay?”
jongin grimaces a little, as if some remnant of pain had just twinged in his bones.
“yes. i’m fine.”
jongin looks like he doesn’t want to say any more on the subject, and sehun decides to leave it alone. if jongin doesn’t want to talk, then he won’t force conversation.
slowly but surely, the line inches forward. both boys go back to safe conversation topics regarding regular teenage life like high school, parents, friends, dating. sehun finds out that jongin’s actually a pretty good person to talk to, since he listens well and knows just what to say to make people feel better. they commiserate over the workload of school (since they’re both in the same year) and the pain of having shitty teachers, and by the time they reach the front of the line sehun’s laughing so hard he’s clapping like a retarded seal and has to bend over to catch his breath.
“smile more,” jongin says out of nowhere, watching sehun with a fond smile on his face, and sehun stops in his tracks for a while, confused.
“what?”
“you should smile more. you’re handsome when you smile. not that you’re not good-looking when you don’t, but when you smile you look a lot happier and that draws people to you.”
they swap numbers, promise to stay in touch, because jongin’s really excited about meeting a new thrillseeker friend (“we can do so much together! i’ve always wanted to go bungee jumping, shark-diving, whitewater rafting --”) and sehun’s just a bored and lonely kid. he’s never been close to anyone, really, and he thinks it’ll be good to have a friend for once.
both boys sit next to each other on the rollercoaster, hearts pounding in anticipation for the upward climb. when the car reaches the very top, both boys take a moment to look over the whole park, relishing in the feeling of being rulers of the whole place even if it isn’t true. slowly, the car inches forward and sehun smirks, asking, “ready to scream your heart out?” but just at that moment the car plunges down and jongin’s reply is lost in a mixture of screams and jubilant laughter.
both boys stagger off the carriage after three minutes, heads spinning and legs shaky, and when sehun looks over at giggling, dizzy jongin he feels like he’s left both his stomach on the top of the drop and his heart in his throat.
they part with cheery smiles, jongin stumbling away with his arms wrapped around chanyeol and kyungsoo. sehun looks back at jongin’s retreating silhouette outlined against the burnt oranges and yellows of the setting sun and thinks that shit, he might just be a little in like with jongin. more than a little, maybe. it’s not love, it’s too early for love, but maybe he could learn to love him if they ever had a chance together.
it’s only later on, when everything has come to an end, that sehun realises if his life were a movie, this would be the hugest, most predictable cliche in the book.
✡
one week later (on a tuesday, not that sehun’s noticing or anything), jongin texts him and sehun almost rolls off his bed in his haste to reply. it’s embarrassing how eager he is to reply to jongin’s texts - he ignores almost everyone else, even his few friends (junmyeon, baekhyun, luhan), all the time. jongin, however, is an exception.
[from: jongin
to: sehun]
hey wanna come with me bungee-jumping? :D
sehun can’t help but fire back a quick “YES”, but backspaces and deletes all the capital letters when he realises that he sounds too excited for jongin’s simple question.
[from: sehun
to: jongin]
ok ｡◕‿◕｡
jongin ends up laughing when he receives sehun’s text. kyungsoo side-eyes his giggling friend and sighs, getting up to ruffle his hair fondly.
“i promised not to judge you, right? well, if texting that grouchy boy makes you laugh like a besotted schoolgirl, then by all means continue doing it.”
“i’m asking him to go bungee-jumping with me,” jongin murmurs distractedly, tapping away at his phone, missing the way kyungsoo’s eyes widen with shock.
“are you sure? you sure it’s safe? what did the doctor say last week when you went back for your last appointment?”
“come on, kyungsoo,” jongin looks up at him then and kyungsoo sees the unspoken plea in his eyes. please, let me do this. just this once.
“i… you know i’ve always wanted to do this. i’m not going to let some small illness stop me, not now. not now i have so little time left. plus, i want to do this even more now that i’m… you know. sick. it’s kind of my last chance.”
kyungsoo sighs, meaning to sound nonchalant, but even jongin can hear the little quaver that lurks in it and threatens to crack kyungsoo’s whole facade.
“you know it’s not just some small illness.” jongin always downplays the severity of his disease, always hides his fears behind cocky smiles and nonchalant masks. yet kyungsoo’s seen all the ugly parts jongin so desperately tries to conceal, such as the countless pills and long nights spent in the intensive care unit, fighting hard for the chance to see tomorrow.
“leave it, kyungsoo.” jongin runs a hand through his hair, frustrated, and kyungsoo sighs. he decides to drop it for now.
“okay. then… have you told him?”
“no. not yet.” jongin doesn’t even need to ask who, because he and kyungsoo know each other so well after almost ten years of friendship. it’s almost instinctive, so natural to be around each other, and kyungsoo can’t help thinking how much he’ll miss this if jongin ever decides to… leave.
of course, kyungsoo wishes that the shadow of death never existed, never hung over jongin waiting to swoop down and claim him prematurely. yet reality is harsh and as the days pass jongin gets weaker and weaker, fading away right before his very eyes. deciding to bring himself back to the present instead of drowning in dire thoughts, kyungsoo looks straight at jongin and murmurs, “you know you can’t lead him on like this, right?”
somehow that makes jongin feel worse than anything. it would have been better, really, if kyungsoo had shouted at him and told him to stop being such a dick, but kyungsoo’s never been that kind of person, never been brash or violent, even when jongin was still healthy and didn’t need to be treated like he was a fragile artefact in a museum.
“yeah, i know, but i keep thinking that maybe if i don’t say it out loud, don’t admit it, it won’t be real. you know how much i wish it weren’t real.” jongin replies quietly, head lowered. normally, kyungsoo would yell at him and tell him to stop mumbling at the floor, but kyungsoo’d stopped doing that exactly half a year ago. (that was when the first signs of the disease first started manifesting, and since then everyone had acted as if jongin needed to be wrapped in cotton wool and protected all the time.)
that’s when kyungsoo starts blinking rapidly and jongin knows his best friend is trying his hardest to keep the tears at bay. after all, he’s gotten very good at reading people’s reactions ever since this whole illness fiasco happened. still, kyungsoo shelves his worries away, trying to be strong for jongin, and holds out his arms to him, muttering, “come here, you,” and jongin obliges.
after all, he doesn’t know how much time he has left to enjoy the little things like this.
“shouldn’t you reply his message now, hmm?” kyungsoo says as he buries his face into jongin’s hair and jongin thinks of childhood summer evenings spent in this exact same position, so many heartbeats ago. he thinks of pushing kyungsoo on the swings and running around the neighbourhood with him playing hide-and-seek. he thinks of nights spent counting stars and wishing on airplanes that flew by. he thinks of how he and kyungsoo have always protected each other - jongin chases away all the bullies, kyungsoo helps jongin with all his medical equipment and treatments. they’ve always had each other’s back ever since they could remember, and jongin is immensely grateful to have met such a friend in kyungsoo.
jongin thinks of the way he loves kyungsoo, a fierce brotherly love that extends beyond the fact that they aren’t even related by blood, and realises that he loves (wait, did he say love? he means like. a lot.) sehun in a different way. a way that makes him want to spend forever with sehun, even if it’s impossible since he’s fucking dying.
✡
[from: jongin
to: sehun]
hahaha you’re cute. ok seeya. :)
[from: sehun
to: jongin]
lol nobody’s called me cute since i was 5 but ok n_n
[from: sehun
to: baekhyun]
HYUNG HE CALLED ME CUTE AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
:)))))))))))
[from: baekhyun
to: sehun]
#ok
wait who’s he
you never told me about a ‘he’
[from: sehun
to: baekhyun]
nothing much, just a new friend i made
but holy shit he’s gorgeous *_____*
um i mean he’s rly cute too
[from: baekhyun
to: sehun]
well
he must be a pretty special friend then ;)
sehun thinks baekhyun has no idea.
✡
they meet for the second time on a thursday, again. “we should make it a tradition,” jongin suggests, eyes twinkling and lips quirked up in another of those blinding grins sehun is growing to love. (wait, did he say love? he means like. a lot. he’s not ready for love, no, but to be so in like with jongin that it hurts? that’s possible.)
jongin’s wrapped up in a thick fleece sweater along with a lurid orange scarf and sehun raises his eyebrows questioningly - it’s barely even autumn yet. the leaves haven’t even begun to turn color fully, and colored leaves are more of a rarity than green ones. the chilly winds haven’t arrived either, and it’s definitely warm enough for sehun to walk around in a light jacket and jeans.
“shut up,” jongin mumbles through a mouthful of orange wool. “i get cold easily, okay.”
“whatever,” sehun shrugs. “so, ready to go?”
they end up strapped to harnesses and various other things sehun can’t name but puts his faith in to keep him safe. both boys are standing on top of a tall tower, staring down at the blue river below which will break their fall and hopefully save them from dying.
“you ready?” jongin yells over the howling wind, his voice tiny and insignificant against the magnificent backdrop of endless blue sky.
“ready. on three, okay?” sehun replies, fidgeting just a little more with his harness and peering down over the edge, wondering how long the drop will take. still, he’s always liked heights, always enjoyed feeling weightless, always imagined that this is what floating would feel like. he’s always liked falling, too, because he enjoys the sensation of being suspended in the air for that one magical split second. the feeling of having your heart in your throat and the wind flying through your hair. he thinks it’s pretty similar to falling in love, to be honest.
“one!” jongin shouts exuberantly.
“two,” sehun rolls his eyes, smiles grudgingly and thinks, what the heck.
“three!” they both yell together as they jump off, and sehun finds himself dropping like a meteorite to earth, adrenaline pumping through his veins and laughing wildly as he hears jongin’s exhilarated screams, up till the point he lands with a huge ‘splash’ in the river below.
(“that was one of the times i felt most alive,” jongin tells him mere weeks later when he’s lying immobile and hooked up to countless tubes in a generic hospital bed, and sehun feels his heart sink from his throat to the bottom of his toes and damn, it hurts.)
✡
for the last time they meet outside the hospital, they go on an ice-cream date. at least, that’s what the giggly schoolgirl part of sehun’s mind calls it, before the cynical real-life part takes over and bashes all his fantasies and daydreams to shards.
“you look kind of sick,” sehun observes, watching as a pale jongin stumbles over to him, wrapped in two thick jackets this time round.
“it’s nothing,” jongin brushes him off casually, but sehun isn’t convinced. he can see the sluggishness with which jongin moves, the open cuts (which don’t seem to clot) and the large bruises, frighteningly dark against faded skin. they look like fireworks blooming on a pale canvas, lines of pain and clotted blood pushing up against frighteningly transparent blue-green veins.
“if you’re sure,” he begins, but jongin just smiles and takes his hand.
“of course i’m sure,” jongin says. “right in the pink of health, i am.”
sehun curls his fingers around jongin’s, taking note of the fact that jongin’s smile is now tired and jaded. the bags under his eyes have gotten darker, heavier, almost as if there are nightmares lurking in the shadows just waiting to spring out and pounce. just waiting to drag him in, kicking and screaming.
sehun tries to smile back, tries to ignore the prickling at the back of his eyelids signalling the impending wave of tears. he bites his bottom lip and squeezes jongin’s hand a little tighter, trying to hold on a little while longer.
“hey, you know, i really like you.” he tells jongin in the ice-cream shop later after they’ve chosen their respective favorite flavors (vanilla for sehun and chocolate for jongin). “as far as confessions go, this one’s pretty unromantic, but i. i just really like you. so, don’t get tired of me and leave too soon, okay?”
jongin beams, brighter this time, and sehun can see how happy he truly is because of the twinkle in his eye and the way his nose crinkles up because of how wide his smile is. “hey, i really like you too. and i promise, i’ll try not to leave any time soon. you make me want to stay a little longer, anyway.”
the moment is perfect, time suspended and their worries pushed to the very back of their minds. sehun wishes he could stop time here forever, make this the ending page of their story and write a happy ending, for both himself and jongin.
✡
the first time they meet in the hospital is also the first time the thursday tradition is broken. it happens on a dreary monday morning, when it’s pouring buckets outside and the gray sky is overcast. it’s just like sehun’s mood, down and out and entirely starved of any brightness whatsoever. it’s also a cliche, really - bad weather, bad happenings. just another cliche in the book of cliches that is sehun’s life.
“hey.”
“hey.”
“so. uh. care to explain how this happened? or rather, why you never told me?”
i trusted you, i thought you would tell me. i loved you, is it too late to tell you? unspoken words remain just that - unspoken.
“i thought you already knew. i mean, the way you looked at me when we went for ice-cream, like you were in on my secret which wasn’t really a secret anymore. and since i thought you knew, i didn’t want to waste time repeating the cold hard facts that would undoubtedly make you upset.”
sehun doesn’t say anything to berate jongin, doesn’t say anything that reveals his currently conflicted state of mind. their time together is finite and never enough, and so he merely sits down in the chair by jongin’s bedside and remains silent instead of starting an argument.
“hey,” jongin repeats himself again, reaching for sehun’s hand with his own and sehun’s heart hurts to see it riddled with needles, connecting him to various IV drips and other medical apparatus he doesn’t even know the name of.
“i’m sorry i never told you, okay? i just wanted to be me for awhile. pre-illness. and you were the only one who didn’t know, you were the only one i truly ever felt alive with. that will never change.”
“i know,” sehun murmurs, turning jongin’s hand over so that his palm is facedown, tracing illegible patterns on the back of his hand. he’s careful to avoid the needles, not wanting to cause jongin any further pain. “it’s okay.”
jongin smiles faintly. “you’re too nice for your own good, you know. if i were you i’d have punched me in the face at this point in time.”
“maybe in another lifetime,” sehun murmurs, his eyes wet and voice soft, and jongin falls silent.
there's too much to be said but at the same time, neither knows how to fill the quiet that's suddenly descended upon both of them.
✡
the last time sehun visits jongin in the hospital falls on a thursday, a return back to routine. the end in the cycle, a sense of finality.
“hey there, you’re back again.” jongin laughs, but sehun knows he’s actually secretly glad to see him. “come to waste more of your time on me?”
“you’re such an idiot,” sehun sighs before flopping into the chair by the hospital bed, now so familiar to him, and staring at jongin mournfully. “time with you is always time well spent, you know, doesn’t matter what we spend it doing, just so long as it’s with you.”
“aw, you’re sweet. i’ll try to remember that,” jongin laughs before he coughs halfway and ends up wheezing terribly, like he’s going to hack his entire respiratory system up. sehun panics, starts to get up and move toward the call button for the nurse but jongin grips his wrist and squeezes, tight.
“don’t -- don’t need -- it’ll be over soon --”
and because jongin looks so upset, so intent on winning this small battle at the very least, sehun gives in. he sits back down slowly, eyes fixed on jongin the whole time, until the coughing fit subsides and jongin weakly requests for a glass of water.
sehun thinks that the rattling breaths and desperate gasps will be seared into his memory for as long as he lives, but he stays through the evening and night just to watch over jongin. he looks out of the plain white hospital window and watches the moon rise along with the stars and wishes on every single one of them in sight. he waits for the sun to rise and paint the sky with wondrous shades of crimsons and yellows, snapping countless pictures of the sunrise with jongin’s phone before setting the prettiest picture as jongin’s new lock screen, just so he has something nice to look at when he wakes up.
at six a.m., just before sehun leaves the hospital room to go back to his own home and wash up, he looks down at jongin and wonders. there’s a small pocket of peaceful silence in the room, unbroken by any sounds of coughing or whimpering at all, and sehun thinks jongin looks best like this - contented and at peace, dreaming of happier things. jongin smiles, just a little in his sleep, and sehun takes this as a signal for himself to leave.
“see you later, alligator,” sehun whispers. he pauses for a while to brush jongin’s fringe back from his forehead and study his features, so thin and haggard now (but there’s still a hint of jongin in the face, a hint of his fighting spirit and will to live, something sehun can never forget), before turning the door handle as quietly as possible and slipping out.
✡
the very last time sehun sees jongin, everyone’s dressed in black and their faces are sombre. nobody’s smiling, kyungsoo and chanyeol are crying, and there are flowers everywhere. sehun doesn’t shed tears, doesn’t think of anything other than jongin and all the things they’ve done together and the memories they’ve shared. sehun thinks of the way he at least got to say goodbye, regardless of how inadequate it was. still, he thinks jongin would’ve understood, would’ve forgiven him for not staying a while longer in the hospital room. he wonders if jongin ever got to see the picture of the sunrise sehun took before he left.
“you once told me you wanted to be remembered, right? well, you can rest assured. i’ll never forget.”
it’s still a thursday, but today there is only sehun. today jongin is lost somewhere in space, buried in a small wooden box amongst dirt yet at the same time spinning above them amongst the stars.
end
+ sekailu is my ot3 ok surprise surprise srsly i think i could ship literally everything in that ot3
+ school sucks and it's just started. what's new tbh
+ idk why jongin is always the sad sick person it's time to write some other happy stuff i guess
au, angst | jongin just wants to be remembered.[warning]character death
✡
“i want to be remembered,” jongin says to sehun once. at that time, sehun merely nods, not really understanding why the cute eighteen-year-old boy he may or may not be in love with is suddenly turning all philosophical and deep.
he supposes he should’ve seen it coming, really, but hey. sehun has never really been sharp, never been quick to pick up on the little hints and figurative breadcrumbs that trailed in jongin’s wake.
✡
their first meeting takes place at everland, the tamest of all their meeting places ever. it takes place on an uneventful thursday in the school holidays when both of them are standing in line for the T-express, the famously rickety wooden roller-coaster that seems to be the highlight of the whole theme park (well, for both thrillseeking boys, anyway). sehun perks up when he hears jongin proclaiming loudly to his friend, “hey, kyungsoo, it’s the world’s steepest roller coaster! how can you pass this up?”
glancing behind briefly, sehun notices kyungsoo. he’s the boy beside jongin (though not part of the queue), wrinkling his nose and shaking his head vigorously. “was that supposed to encourage me to get on that ride? no way in hell, kim jongin.”
“yeah, he’d probably throw up or something,” a tall boy with a deep voice comes up from behind and joins in the conversation, thumping kyungsoo on the back enthusiastically.
“fuck you, park chanyeol, don’t make me bring up the time we watched paranormal activity and you cried while begging us to turn it off, okay. plus you’re not even going on the damn rollercoaster either!”
“that was supposed to be a secret! you can’t just go around spilling your friends’ secrets like that,” chanyeol whines, but then his eyes dart over to jongin standing placidly in the queue and bends down to kyungsoo’s height (kyungsoo glares and it’s a pity looks can’t kill because if they could sehun is pretty sure chanyeol would be vaporised right on the spot) to whisper in his ear.
it’s a pity chanyeol isn’t very good at whispering, though, because sehun can hear everything chanyeol says. still, he decides to give chanyeol one star for effort. after all, the boy did risk kyungsoo’s wrath by bending down to his height.
“you sure jongin can get on? i mean, it’s safe for him?”
why wouldn’t it be, sehun rolls his eyes all while facing front (it’s amazing how much you can hear when you eavesdrop on people’s conversations, really). he goes on tiptoes and cranes his neck, trying to gauge how many people are still in front of them, and sighs.
oh well. better find a way to occupy himself till he reaches the front of the line, then. behind him, chanyeol and kyungsoo are still worrying over jongin, asking him if he feels alright and whether or not he really wants to get on the rollercoaster at all. sehun hears jongin’s exasperated “yes, i’m pretty sure i’ll be okay! jeez, guys, you aren’t my mum --” and turns around, deciding oh what the hell.
“contrary to popular belief, roller coasters are actually safe. he’ll be strapped in securely and the ride hasn’t broken down since it began in 2008, so i’m pretty sure he’ll be okay.”
chanyeol and kyungsoo’s gazes jump to him and sehun’s almost a hundred percent certain that both boys are judging him. sehun just stares back, unimpressed. after all, it’s true - it’s perfectly safe for any normal person. what he doesn’t expect, though, is jongin slinging an arm around him, saying, “thank you. see guys? perfectly safe. don’t worry about me.”
kyungsoo sighs, and sehun can see him mentally giving up because of how set jongin is on conquering this ride. dragging chanyeol after him, he calls back, “fine. jongin, we’ll be back in half an hour, okay? meet you at the souvenir shop.”
jongin waits for kyungsoo and chanyeol to disappear before turning to sehun and smiling, eyes turning into dark crescents and shit, jongin is so cute when he smiles. jongin’s smile is wide and genuine, showing all of his teeth and spreading across his whole face. it’s a very sweet smile, and sehun can’t help the answering grin that blossoms across his face.
“thanks for getting rid of my friends back there,” jongin says gratefully as they inch forward in line. “they’re really great, but sometimes they just get a bit overbearing. i mean, it’s nice to know someone cares about you, but they act like my parents. definitely not great. anyway, i’m kim jongin. nice to meet you.”
sehun laughs. “i’m oh sehun. and speaking of your friends, they probably hate me now though, since i was pretty much an ass to them.”
“yeah, you were, weren’t you?” jongin ‘tsk’s in mock disappointment, shaking his head at sehun, and sehun retaliates by shoving him. he doesn’t mean anything by it, certainly doesn’t mean to hurt jongin, but it seems like even that slight push was too much for jongin as he stumbles and falls, landing hard on the ground. it all happens too fast for sehun to react and he looks on, shocked, as jongin gets up slowly.
“fucking hell,” jongin whispers, flinching as he gets up, causing the parents around the boys to look over with scandalised expressions. one mother even covers her kid’s ears.
“oh my god, i’m so sorry,” sehun finally snaps out of his trance and rushes over to help support jongin up, but jongin just waves him off and dismisses it as nothing.
“you sure you’re okay?”
jongin grimaces a little, as if some remnant of pain had just twinged in his bones.
“yes. i’m fine.”
jongin looks like he doesn’t want to say any more on the subject, and sehun decides to leave it alone. if jongin doesn’t want to talk, then he won’t force conversation.
slowly but surely, the line inches forward. both boys go back to safe conversation topics regarding regular teenage life like high school, parents, friends, dating. sehun finds out that jongin’s actually a pretty good person to talk to, since he listens well and knows just what to say to make people feel better. they commiserate over the workload of school (since they’re both in the same year) and the pain of having shitty teachers, and by the time they reach the front of the line sehun’s laughing so hard he’s clapping like a retarded seal and has to bend over to catch his breath.
“smile more,” jongin says out of nowhere, watching sehun with a fond smile on his face, and sehun stops in his tracks for a while, confused.
“what?”
“you should smile more. you’re handsome when you smile. not that you’re not good-looking when you don’t, but when you smile you look a lot happier and that draws people to you.”
they swap numbers, promise to stay in touch, because jongin’s really excited about meeting a new thrillseeker friend (“we can do so much together! i’ve always wanted to go bungee jumping, shark-diving, whitewater rafting --”) and sehun’s just a bored and lonely kid. he’s never been close to anyone, really, and he thinks it’ll be good to have a friend for once.
both boys sit next to each other on the rollercoaster, hearts pounding in anticipation for the upward climb. when the car reaches the very top, both boys take a moment to look over the whole park, relishing in the feeling of being rulers of the whole place even if it isn’t true. slowly, the car inches forward and sehun smirks, asking, “ready to scream your heart out?” but just at that moment the car plunges down and jongin’s reply is lost in a mixture of screams and jubilant laughter.
both boys stagger off the carriage after three minutes, heads spinning and legs shaky, and when sehun looks over at giggling, dizzy jongin he feels like he’s left both his stomach on the top of the drop and his heart in his throat.
they part with cheery smiles, jongin stumbling away with his arms wrapped around chanyeol and kyungsoo. sehun looks back at jongin’s retreating silhouette outlined against the burnt oranges and yellows of the setting sun and thinks that shit, he might just be a little in like with jongin. more than a little, maybe. it’s not love, it’s too early for love, but maybe he could learn to love him if they ever had a chance together.
it’s only later on, when everything has come to an end, that sehun realises if his life were a movie, this would be the hugest, most predictable cliche in the book.
✡
one week later (on a tuesday, not that sehun’s noticing or anything), jongin texts him and sehun almost rolls off his bed in his haste to reply. it’s embarrassing how eager he is to reply to jongin’s texts - he ignores almost everyone else, even his few friends (junmyeon, baekhyun, luhan), all the time. jongin, however, is an exception.
[from: jongin
to: sehun]
hey wanna come with me bungee-jumping? :D
sehun can’t help but fire back a quick “YES”, but backspaces and deletes all the capital letters when he realises that he sounds too excited for jongin’s simple question.
[from: sehun
to: jongin]
ok ｡◕‿◕｡
jongin ends up laughing when he receives sehun’s text. kyungsoo side-eyes his giggling friend and sighs, getting up to ruffle his hair fondly.
“i promised not to judge you, right? well, if texting that grouchy boy makes you laugh like a besotted schoolgirl, then by all means continue doing it.”
“i’m asking him to go bungee-jumping with me,” jongin murmurs distractedly, tapping away at his phone, missing the way kyungsoo’s eyes widen with shock.
“are you sure? you sure it’s safe? what did the doctor say last week when you went back for your last appointment?”
“come on, kyungsoo,” jongin looks up at him then and kyungsoo sees the unspoken plea in his eyes. please, let me do this. just this once.
“i… you know i’ve always wanted to do this. i’m not going to let some small illness stop me, not now. not now i have so little time left. plus, i want to do this even more now that i’m… you know. sick. it’s kind of my last chance.”
kyungsoo sighs, meaning to sound nonchalant, but even jongin can hear the little quaver that lurks in it and threatens to crack kyungsoo’s whole facade.
“you know it’s not just some small illness.” jongin always downplays the severity of his disease, always hides his fears behind cocky smiles and nonchalant masks. yet kyungsoo’s seen all the ugly parts jongin so desperately tries to conceal, such as the countless pills and long nights spent in the intensive care unit, fighting hard for the chance to see tomorrow.
“leave it, kyungsoo.” jongin runs a hand through his hair, frustrated, and kyungsoo sighs. he decides to drop it for now.
“okay. then… have you told him?”
“no. not yet.” jongin doesn’t even need to ask who, because he and kyungsoo know each other so well after almost ten years of friendship. it’s almost instinctive, so natural to be around each other, and kyungsoo can’t help thinking how much he’ll miss this if jongin ever decides to… leave.
of course, kyungsoo wishes that the shadow of death never existed, never hung over jongin waiting to swoop down and claim him prematurely. yet reality is harsh and as the days pass jongin gets weaker and weaker, fading away right before his very eyes. deciding to bring himself back to the present instead of drowning in dire thoughts, kyungsoo looks straight at jongin and murmurs, “you know you can’t lead him on like this, right?”
somehow that makes jongin feel worse than anything. it would have been better, really, if kyungsoo had shouted at him and told him to stop being such a dick, but kyungsoo’s never been that kind of person, never been brash or violent, even when jongin was still healthy and didn’t need to be treated like he was a fragile artefact in a museum.
“yeah, i know, but i keep thinking that maybe if i don’t say it out loud, don’t admit it, it won’t be real. you know how much i wish it weren’t real.” jongin replies quietly, head lowered. normally, kyungsoo would yell at him and tell him to stop mumbling at the floor, but kyungsoo’d stopped doing that exactly half a year ago. (that was when the first signs of the disease first started manifesting, and since then everyone had acted as if jongin needed to be wrapped in cotton wool and protected all the time.)
that’s when kyungsoo starts blinking rapidly and jongin knows his best friend is trying his hardest to keep the tears at bay. after all, he’s gotten very good at reading people’s reactions ever since this whole illness fiasco happened. still, kyungsoo shelves his worries away, trying to be strong for jongin, and holds out his arms to him, muttering, “come here, you,” and jongin obliges.
after all, he doesn’t know how much time he has left to enjoy the little things like this.
“shouldn’t you reply his message now, hmm?” kyungsoo says as he buries his face into jongin’s hair and jongin thinks of childhood summer evenings spent in this exact same position, so many heartbeats ago. he thinks of pushing kyungsoo on the swings and running around the neighbourhood with him playing hide-and-seek. he thinks of nights spent counting stars and wishing on airplanes that flew by. he thinks of how he and kyungsoo have always protected each other - jongin chases away all the bullies, kyungsoo helps jongin with all his medical equipment and treatments. they’ve always had each other’s back ever since they could remember, and jongin is immensely grateful to have met such a friend in kyungsoo.
jongin thinks of the way he loves kyungsoo, a fierce brotherly love that extends beyond the fact that they aren’t even related by blood, and realises that he loves (wait, did he say love? he means like. a lot.) sehun in a different way. a way that makes him want to spend forever with sehun, even if it’s impossible since he’s fucking dying.
✡
[from: jongin
to: sehun]
hahaha you’re cute. ok seeya. :)
[from: sehun
to: jongin]
lol nobody’s called me cute since i was 5 but ok n_n
[from: sehun
to: baekhyun]
HYUNG HE CALLED ME CUTE AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
:)))))))))))
[from: baekhyun
to: sehun]
#ok
wait who’s he
you never told me about a ‘he’
[from: sehun
to: baekhyun]
nothing much, just a new friend i made
but holy shit he’s gorgeous *_____*
um i mean he’s rly cute too
[from: baekhyun
to: sehun]
well
he must be a pretty special friend then ;)
sehun thinks baekhyun has no idea.
✡
they meet for the second time on a thursday, again. “we should make it a tradition,” jongin suggests, eyes twinkling and lips quirked up in another of those blinding grins sehun is growing to love. (wait, did he say love? he means like. a lot. he’s not ready for love, no, but to be so in like with jongin that it hurts? that’s possible.)
jongin’s wrapped up in a thick fleece sweater along with a lurid orange scarf and sehun raises his eyebrows questioningly - it’s barely even autumn yet. the leaves haven’t even begun to turn color fully, and colored leaves are more of a rarity than green ones. the chilly winds haven’t arrived either, and it’s definitely warm enough for sehun to walk around in a light jacket and jeans.
“shut up,” jongin mumbles through a mouthful of orange wool. “i get cold easily, okay.”
“whatever,” sehun shrugs. “so, ready to go?”
they end up strapped to harnesses and various other things sehun can’t name but puts his faith in to keep him safe. both boys are standing on top of a tall tower, staring down at the blue river below which will break their fall and hopefully save them from dying.
“you ready?” jongin yells over the howling wind, his voice tiny and insignificant against the magnificent backdrop of endless blue sky.
“ready. on three, okay?” sehun replies, fidgeting just a little more with his harness and peering down over the edge, wondering how long the drop will take. still, he’s always liked heights, always enjoyed feeling weightless, always imagined that this is what floating would feel like. he’s always liked falling, too, because he enjoys the sensation of being suspended in the air for that one magical split second. the feeling of having your heart in your throat and the wind flying through your hair. he thinks it’s pretty similar to falling in love, to be honest.
“one!” jongin shouts exuberantly.
“two,” sehun rolls his eyes, smiles grudgingly and thinks, what the heck.
“three!” they both yell together as they jump off, and sehun finds himself dropping like a meteorite to earth, adrenaline pumping through his veins and laughing wildly as he hears jongin’s exhilarated screams, up till the point he lands with a huge ‘splash’ in the river below.
(“that was one of the times i felt most alive,” jongin tells him mere weeks later when he’s lying immobile and hooked up to countless tubes in a generic hospital bed, and sehun feels his heart sink from his throat to the bottom of his toes and damn, it hurts.)
✡
for the last time they meet outside the hospital, they go on an ice-cream date. at least, that’s what the giggly schoolgirl part of sehun’s mind calls it, before the cynical real-life part takes over and bashes all his fantasies and daydreams to shards.
“you look kind of sick,” sehun observes, watching as a pale jongin stumbles over to him, wrapped in two thick jackets this time round.
“it’s nothing,” jongin brushes him off casually, but sehun isn’t convinced. he can see the sluggishness with which jongin moves, the open cuts (which don’t seem to clot) and the large bruises, frighteningly dark against faded skin. they look like fireworks blooming on a pale canvas, lines of pain and clotted blood pushing up against frighteningly transparent blue-green veins.
“if you’re sure,” he begins, but jongin just smiles and takes his hand.
“of course i’m sure,” jongin says. “right in the pink of health, i am.”
sehun curls his fingers around jongin’s, taking note of the fact that jongin’s smile is now tired and jaded. the bags under his eyes have gotten darker, heavier, almost as if there are nightmares lurking in the shadows just waiting to spring out and pounce. just waiting to drag him in, kicking and screaming.
sehun tries to smile back, tries to ignore the prickling at the back of his eyelids signalling the impending wave of tears. he bites his bottom lip and squeezes jongin’s hand a little tighter, trying to hold on a little while longer.
“hey, you know, i really like you.” he tells jongin in the ice-cream shop later after they’ve chosen their respective favorite flavors (vanilla for sehun and chocolate for jongin). “as far as confessions go, this one’s pretty unromantic, but i. i just really like you. so, don’t get tired of me and leave too soon, okay?”
jongin beams, brighter this time, and sehun can see how happy he truly is because of the twinkle in his eye and the way his nose crinkles up because of how wide his smile is. “hey, i really like you too. and i promise, i’ll try not to leave any time soon. you make me want to stay a little longer, anyway.”
the moment is perfect, time suspended and their worries pushed to the very back of their minds. sehun wishes he could stop time here forever, make this the ending page of their story and write a happy ending, for both himself and jongin.
✡
the first time they meet in the hospital is also the first time the thursday tradition is broken. it happens on a dreary monday morning, when it’s pouring buckets outside and the gray sky is overcast. it’s just like sehun’s mood, down and out and entirely starved of any brightness whatsoever. it’s also a cliche, really - bad weather, bad happenings. just another cliche in the book of cliches that is sehun’s life.
“hey.”
“hey.”
“so. uh. care to explain how this happened? or rather, why you never told me?”
i trusted you, i thought you would tell me. i loved you, is it too late to tell you? unspoken words remain just that - unspoken.
“i thought you already knew. i mean, the way you looked at me when we went for ice-cream, like you were in on my secret which wasn’t really a secret anymore. and since i thought you knew, i didn’t want to waste time repeating the cold hard facts that would undoubtedly make you upset.”
sehun doesn’t say anything to berate jongin, doesn’t say anything that reveals his currently conflicted state of mind. their time together is finite and never enough, and so he merely sits down in the chair by jongin’s bedside and remains silent instead of starting an argument.
“hey,” jongin repeats himself again, reaching for sehun’s hand with his own and sehun’s heart hurts to see it riddled with needles, connecting him to various IV drips and other medical apparatus he doesn’t even know the name of.
“i’m sorry i never told you, okay? i just wanted to be me for awhile. pre-illness. and you were the only one who didn’t know, you were the only one i truly ever felt alive with. that will never change.”
“i know,” sehun murmurs, turning jongin’s hand over so that his palm is facedown, tracing illegible patterns on the back of his hand. he’s careful to avoid the needles, not wanting to cause jongin any further pain. “it’s okay.”
jongin smiles faintly. “you’re too nice for your own good, you know. if i were you i’d have punched me in the face at this point in time.”
“maybe in another lifetime,” sehun murmurs, his eyes wet and voice soft, and jongin falls silent.
there's too much to be said but at the same time, neither knows how to fill the quiet that's suddenly descended upon both of them.
✡
the last time sehun visits jongin in the hospital falls on a thursday, a return back to routine. the end in the cycle, a sense of finality.
“hey there, you’re back again.” jongin laughs, but sehun knows he’s actually secretly glad to see him. “come to waste more of your time on me?”
“you’re such an idiot,” sehun sighs before flopping into the chair by the hospital bed, now so familiar to him, and staring at jongin mournfully. “time with you is always time well spent, you know, doesn’t matter what we spend it doing, just so long as it’s with you.”
“aw, you’re sweet. i’ll try to remember that,” jongin laughs before he coughs halfway and ends up wheezing terribly, like he’s going to hack his entire respiratory system up. sehun panics, starts to get up and move toward the call button for the nurse but jongin grips his wrist and squeezes, tight.
“don’t -- don’t need -- it’ll be over soon --”
and because jongin looks so upset, so intent on winning this small battle at the very least, sehun gives in. he sits back down slowly, eyes fixed on jongin the whole time, until the coughing fit subsides and jongin weakly requests for a glass of water.
sehun thinks that the rattling breaths and desperate gasps will be seared into his memory for as long as he lives, but he stays through the evening and night just to watch over jongin. he looks out of the plain white hospital window and watches the moon rise along with the stars and wishes on every single one of them in sight. he waits for the sun to rise and paint the sky with wondrous shades of crimsons and yellows, snapping countless pictures of the sunrise with jongin’s phone before setting the prettiest picture as jongin’s new lock screen, just so he has something nice to look at when he wakes up.
at six a.m., just before sehun leaves the hospital room to go back to his own home and wash up, he looks down at jongin and wonders. there’s a small pocket of peaceful silence in the room, unbroken by any sounds of coughing or whimpering at all, and sehun thinks jongin looks best like this - contented and at peace, dreaming of happier things. jongin smiles, just a little in his sleep, and sehun takes this as a signal for himself to leave.
“see you later, alligator,” sehun whispers. he pauses for a while to brush jongin’s fringe back from his forehead and study his features, so thin and haggard now (but there’s still a hint of jongin in the face, a hint of his fighting spirit and will to live, something sehun can never forget), before turning the door handle as quietly as possible and slipping out.
✡
the very last time sehun sees jongin, everyone’s dressed in black and their faces are sombre. nobody’s smiling, kyungsoo and chanyeol are crying, and there are flowers everywhere. sehun doesn’t shed tears, doesn’t think of anything other than jongin and all the things they’ve done together and the memories they’ve shared. sehun thinks of the way he at least got to say goodbye, regardless of how inadequate it was. still, he thinks jongin would’ve understood, would’ve forgiven him for not staying a while longer in the hospital room. he wonders if jongin ever got to see the picture of the sunrise sehun took before he left.
“you once told me you wanted to be remembered, right? well, you can rest assured. i’ll never forget.”
it’s still a thursday, but today there is only sehun. today jongin is lost somewhere in space, buried in a small wooden box amongst dirt yet at the same time spinning above them amongst the stars.
end
+ sekailu is my ot3 ok surprise surprise srsly i think i could ship literally everything in that ot3
+ school sucks and it's just started. what's new tbh
+ idk why jongin is always the sad sick person it's time to write some other happy stuff i guess