[Fanfic] My Happy Ending - Sakurai ShoxMatsumoto Jun
Title: My Happy Ending
Pairing/Focus: Sakumoto, MaotsuJun, side OhnoxMao
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst, angst, and more angst, oh, and very ironic title… you’ll see
Summary: Jun wasn’t sure why his best friend Sho had been on his mind constantly… and why his feelings for Mao seemed to wane. It would take something shocking between two people he trusted the most to make him face his true feelings. Will he take that leap of faith?
Notes: From the Jun fic exchange over at Freestyle for jade_lil. Thanks to hadashi_no_eden for polishing this up.
*****
“No, please. I don’t want to do this anymore!” cried the hysterical 20-year-old girl, shaking her head stubbornly and backing out from the open door. Everyone was looking at her, but she didn’t seem to care. Looking like a crazed idiot was better than a dead idiot.
Inwardly, I groaned, but even if I had done so out loud, I wouldn’t have been heard over her hysterics and the engine noise of the airplane Being in this line of work I’ve seen this a million times before.. Something about jumping out of the plane to the unknown and letting gravity take over made sane people go crazy. I put my hands on her shoulders and made her face me.
“Mika-san, you can do this,” I said in my most calming voice. “It’s just mind over matter. Beside, you’ll be strapped to me the whole time.”
She stared at me, still unsure about the whole thing. I smiled my best confident smile. It really was mind over matter, but the thing was, if she kick and scream through the whole thing, she might cause an accident and kill both of us. I sat her back down on the seat to give her a breather.
“Okay, Mika,” her partner, Meg, said. “I’ll go first. We checked our equipment many times. I’m sure we’ll be okay”
“Don’t worry,” Sakurai Sho said. “You two have the best instructors at the camp. Ne, Matsumoto-san?”
I nodded, turning to Mika, who seemed to have calmed down a bit. Meg put on her helmet as Sho strapped themselves together. They moved closer to the door of the airplane, the wind whipping our hair about. The whooshing sound of the passing air got louder as Mika and I anticipated their jump. Sho started the countdown.
“One. Two. Three!” The air seemed to suck them out on cue as they jumped out of the airplane. I walked over to the door and peered down, their bodies floated mid-air weightlessly. I turned to Mika, who seemed to be interested as well.
“Are you ready?” I asked. She swallowed, and for a second, I thought I’d have to ask the pilot to turn the plane around back to the landing field.
“Okay. I need to face my fear, right?” she said in a shaky smile.
“Atta, girl,” I cheered. I helped her with her helmet, put on mine, and strapped her to my harness. On my countdown, we jumped out of the plane. There is nothing like floating in the air. I can’t really describe it. It is surreal and mind-blowing. The view from above is majestic. The world seemed perfect from above. The air is crisp and cool and for just a moment, everything was calm.
I took in the view for just a moment before my meter beeped, indicating I need to pull out the chute. I tugged on the string and we felt the pull of the chute coming out of the backpack on my back. There was a jerk as the chute opened up and slowed us down as we come closer to the ground. I steered us to the clearing where we had to land. In the distance, I could see Meg and Sho had already landed and waited for us, along with the other campers and instructors from the camp. It was a pretty smooth landing., Neither of us fell face first on the ground and there were no accidents. Today was a good jump. Mika gave me the widest grin and hugged me tightly as soon as we unstrapped the chute from us. I think she was just too happy to be alive.
Meg and Mika ran to each other, talking loudly and over each other about their experiences. Sho came up to me with a grin, and for a split second, my heart rate shot up. Maybe it was from the thrill of the jump.
“Good jump today,” Sho said, patting my shoulder.
“You bet,” I said. I gathered the heavy chute as Sho helped me collect the big cloth. I noticed that his pack was not on him so he probably had it stuffed back in the van already.
“So, no more hysterics, I see,” he said, nodding to the direction behind me. I turned to look at Meg and Mika laughing and animatedly talking to the other girls from the camp. I smiled.
“Nope. And I think we created a skydive addict.”
Sho laughed. “It’s the ultimate high, baby.”
Even though he said it in a general sense, my heart fluttered a bit. It must be the aftershock effect of the adrenaline in my system. Sho carried the pack as we made our way back to the van. Everyone arrived safely at the landing clearing and we left for the campsite. During the ride, Sho and I sat together near the front of the van while the kids were gossiping at the back. I glanced sideways at Sho, who was dozing off. His knee was touching mine and even though it wasn’t intentional, I kind of liked the limited connection. Wait, what the hell was I thinking? I shifted my legs to further avoid touching his. I looked out the window. What the hell was my problem? Sho was my best friend and fellow skydiving instructor at the skydiving camp every summer. I’ve known this dude since junior high. I tried to shake off this weird feeling.
When we finally arrived at the camp, one of the receptionists handed me several pieces of paper. I looked through them and saw they were those phone messages notes that people who had been calling me had left. One from my mother in Saipan, checking up on me during her honeymoon with her third husband, another from my cousin Ohno Satoshi, and the rest were from Inoue Mao.
“She had been trying to reach you,” the receptionist who gave me them said. “She said your phone just kept ringing.” I patted my clothes. I forgot to bring my phone to the field. Just as well. I’d hate for it to fall off from my pocket 12,000 feet above and conk someone out in the street.
“Thanks.” I waved bye to her and to the other receptionists and headed back the cabin that I shared with Sho. He was already there. I stopped in my tracks and stared. He had his shirt off and was splayed on the bed, eyes on the news story of the day. He finally noticed me and raised an eyebrow.
“What?” he asked. I quickly shook my head.
“N-nothing,” I said, and ducked into the bathroom. My face felt on fire and I hoped he didn’t see me blush. I scowled at my reflection on the mirror. “What the fuck are you doing, Jun?” I mumbled to myself. The image of half-naked Sho flashed before my eyes. I shook my head, trying to get rid of it. My heart raced a notch. I splashed cold water on my face to calm down. So what if your roommate-slash-best friend-slash-coworker was half naked? He’s a guy, you're a guy. No big deal. “Stop making it a big deal, then. Idiot!”
“Who are you talking to?” I heard Sho yell above the news reporter.
“No one,” I yelled back. I turned off the faucet and got out of the bathroom. Sho barely looked my way.
“Tomorrow is the last day, thank God,” he said as I jumped on my own bed. “By the way, I saw your phone. You have 15 missed calls. Damn, your woman is tenacious.”
“Yeah,” I said, fingering my phone. I should call. No, it’s late. She might be awake. She might call again. Might as well do it now.
“I’m hungry,” Sho announced.
I sat up. “Let’s go eat.” Without waiting for him, I got up on my feet and headed to the door. He followed me out.
“Hey, you forgot your phone,” he said, but I pretended not to hear him and kept walking down the hall to the cafeteria. I’d just call Mao when I got back from dinner. Right now, I didn’t feel like talking to her. It wouldn’t take us long to eat anyway.
By the time Sho and I got back in to our room, it was around midnight. We got sidetracked at the cafeteria, talking with campers who were now ready to take the leap on their own, so to speak. Tomorrow, they would get their certifications like a sort of skydiving graduation, so tonight was really the last time I would see these people regularly. I was tired by the time we got back and I decided to just go to bed in my jeans.
“Have you been working out?” Sho said when I flung my shirt on the floor beside my bed. I grinned and flexed my arm.
“Hell, yeah,” I said.
He nodded. “Nice.” He too took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor. The man was so fit. He wasn’t super buff like a K-pop star, but he wasn’t just a skinny dude with gangly limbs, either. Just muscular with angles chiseled at the right spots.
“What?”
I blinked. Sho looked at me with a puzzled expression. I realized he had asked me that earlier.
“Uh, you have something on your back,” I said and looked away. Sho looked over his shoulder to see what it was. There wasn’t, really. I just needed to distract him from having caught me staring at him twice in a span of few hours.
“Good night,” I said, pulling the blanket over my head, turning my back to him.
“Seriously, Jun, where? What is it?” I heard him patting his shoulder as if he could get rid of it. I laughed under the covers. I heard him stopped wriggling around and I could feel him staring at me.
“Haha. Very funny.” I chuckled at his sarcastic tone. He turned off the light and got into his bed. I closed my eyes to sleep when my phone beep. Mao sent a message: “I miss you. Please call me back.” I pushed the button to put the phone to sleep mode. The last thing on my mind as I drifted to sleep wasn’t Mao’s face, but Sho’s.
***
Sho parked his car on the street near my apartment building. As we got out of the car, I invited him in for drinks . The skydiving camp ended earlier in the afternoon. After the goodbyes and small talk with the other instructors and some adult campers, Sho and I didn’t get to leave for the city until 18:13. By the time we reached Tokyo, the sun had already set and we were hungry. I had replied back to Mao that I would be home around 7 and she said she’d have dinner ready by then.
“Oh, Sakurai-san,” Mao said in surprised when she greeted us at the genkan. Sho bowed his head slightly in greeting. “Jun, if you had told me Sakurai-san would be here, I’d have make something else.” She looked embarrassed and made her way inside. We followed her to the small square table that served as a dining table-slash-desk-slash-ironing board. In the middle of the table was a big bowl of hotpot soup and some onigiri. “I can run down to the convenient store really quick and get something else,” she stammered, looking away.
“Wow, I haven’t had homemade soup in a while,” Sho said, smiling. “Camp food sucked.” Mao laughed, looking slightly relieved. She looked expectantly at me. I smiled and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
“This is fine, thank you,” I said. We sat down and eat. Mao served the bowls of soup to us and we told her about our adventures at the camp. She was listening intently as Sho told her one of his stories I had heard before.
“I should really try skydiving, just once,” Mao said.
“You should,” Sho replied with a nod. “It’s the ultimate high, baby.”
“Is that going to be your motto?” I asked with a laugh. Sho laughed but Mao looked confused. I didn’t bother to explain our inside joke. Mao’s smile wavered a little and I felt a pang of guilt somehow.
“So, Inoue-san, I heard your apartment is being renovated,” Sho said. “How’s that going? Jun, pass me the soy sauce.”
“It’s almost done,” Mao replied, handing the soy sauce to me to pass to Sho. “Yeah, the supervisor had finally replaced the old air conditioning unit with a remote controlled one. So from now on, I won’t be freezing at night and sweltering by day.” She looked at me. “I’ll probably go back the day after tomorrow.” She was looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to comment on that. When I just nodded, a corner of her lips tugged a little to what was supposed to be a start of a smile but she looked away. I felt she was disappointed about something, but I wasn’t sure why. I merely finished my soup.
Later that night, when dinner was long over and Sho had gone home, Mao snuggled to me in bed. Wordlessly, she nuzzled her head at the crook of my neck and pecked kisses. I know what she wanted to do but somehow, a part of me wasn’t so thrilled.
“I miss you so much,” she whispered in my ear, her breath felt warm. “Didn’t you miss me?” In the slight glow of the street light outside my window, her eyes were glazed in tears. What was wrong with me? Don’t normal men get turned on by their girlfriends whom they haven’t seen for weeks? Usually sex always trumps other things, like dinner, for example. And they certainly wouldn’t invite their buddies over the first time when they arrived to their waiting girlfriends or wives.
Ignoring the part of me not wanting this, I turned to her and said, “of course. I missed you, too.” I kissed her mouth deeply and fervently. I pushed the pang of guilt for telling her a little lie as I moved my hand down her back as our kiss deepened and her hand found its way under my boxers and between my legs. Her fingers lightly stroked my hardening cock. I am still a man, after all. With her other hand, she took my free hand and placed it between her legs. She bit her lip and shyly looked into my eyes. She was already wet and wanting.
‘You really missed me, huh?” I said with a smirk. She giggled and nodded.
“Make love to me, Jun,” she said wistfully. Without preamble, I gave her what she wanted.
***
She lay on her side, her face turned to me. It was actually good, our love making, but somehow, I felt she was holding back something I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I wondered if she suspected I was cheating on her, which I wasn’t. Sho’s face suddenly popped in my head. I quickly shook it out. No. Just because Sho had been filling my head lately didn’t mean anything. A twinge of longing for my best friend crept up. To erase my mind off of him, I scooted closer to Mao and nuzzled her neck.
“I love you, Jun,” she mumbled, laying her arm over mine as we cuddled.
“Me, too.” Somehow, I couldn’t say, “I love you” back to her. It wouldn’t be fair.
I shut my eyes and thought over things just to occupy my head, forcing myself to overshadow thoughts of Mao and Sho and the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
***
“Babe, let’s go on a date,” Mao said, scooting closer to me on the couch. I sighed. I didn’t have to look away from my book to know that she was waiting for me answer.
“I can’t,” I said, turning a page. “I still have one more bill that hasn’t cleared yet, and I don’t have the money.”
She sighed. “Then, I’ll pay.”
I turned to her and shook my head. “You have your rent to pay, too.”
“Jun, it’s been 2 weeks since you came back from camp. Then you went straight back to work for the agency. We haven’t gone out at all. Let’s just go eat out for dinner, then. We don’t have to do other things.”
“It’s too late for dinner, you have work tomorrow.”
“It’s only 8. We’ll be back at 10, tops.” I shook my head.
“Why are you such a bore lately?” she asked, scooting away from me and crossing her arms. “We use to go out and do things together.”
“Why are you so clingy lately?” I retorted. She turned to me, shocked at my accusation. I saw a flicker of hurt in her eyes, but I pressed on. “You used to be an independent woman. Why can’t you just call up one of your friends and have dinner with her if you want to eat out so badly?”
“I’m ‘clingy’? I’m ‘clingy’?” she shot to her feet, fury in her eyes. “How am I being clingy?”
“You kept hounding me to go on dates. You kept asking me where I’m going when I leave the apartment for a few minutes. You keep trying to have sex every night.”
She rubbed her temples with her fingers and took a deep breath. “Oh, my, god! Babe, we haven’t seen each other for weeks. I just want to be with you now that you’re back. What’s so wrong about that?”
I shut my book and slammed it on the coffee table. “I gotta get out of here,” I said, brushing past her and walked to the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.” The door sounded louder than I intended as I slammed it shut. I needed to get out and think.Her constant bickering was driving me nuts. What was her problem? So what if we hadn’t been going on dates? Did having to go out every night define a relationship? She is always calling my phone whenever I am work at the entertainment agency. Why can’t she understand that the world does not revolve around her.
I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialed Satoshi’s number. He didn’t answer, so I headed to his apartment anyway, hoping he was home. I needed a place to crash for a while.
Ninomiya Kazunari, Satoshi’s boyfriend answered the door. When he saw me, the scowl he used to discourage door-to-door salesmen deepened. This dude was always so moody around me but I never paid much attention to it. This afternoon was no different.
“Hey,” I said, entering past him. “Satoshi around? Can I just chill here for a few hours?” I heard him grumble under his breath and I turned to him. “What?”
He glared at me. “I said I wish you and your girlfriend could just keep your problems to yourself.” He pushed past me in the hall to the living room. I followed him and plopped myself on the couch. The brat just ignored my presence and started on his video game again. I made it to the kitchen and got something to drink. Since my “host” wasn’t feeling too hospitable, I’d just help myself.
“Oh, Jun, what’s up?” Satoshi said when he came out of the room. “I didn’t hear you come in.” There was a pair of headphones around his neck.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just needed to chill somewhere else for now.” I sat on the dining chair and he followed suit. The sound of the video game wafted to us. “Um, Nino said something about Mao and my problems to ourselves. Do you know what he meant?”
He looked away for a moment, then turned to me. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, which was weird. He usually did that when he couldn’t decide if he should disclose some private information. He did that all the time when we were kids whenever my parents or his would question us about our activities.
“Did Mao tell you something?” he asked slowly. I shook my head.
“Oh, okay.” A flicker of relief passed his eyes. “Um, well, she had come by once to vent out about you not communicating while you were at camp. I just heard her out.”
I nodded. I sensed something else he wasn’t telling me, but I didn’t push it. I had bigger problems. Nino came into the kitchen to get something to drink. He looked at us and scowled at me. He walked up to us and knelt to Satoshi’s eye level.
“We should get to bed soon,” he said, nuzzling his face at the crook of Satoshi’s neck. I raised an eyebrow at them. Satoshi blushed and gave me a sheepish grin. Nino’s fingers curled on Satoshi’s shirt as he whispered something in his ear. The red on Satoshi’s face deepened. I turned away. I didn’t want to know.
“But I’m still talking to Jun,” Satoshi said. Nino sighed. I turned back to them in time to see Nino glaring at me.
“Hurry up with your business, then,” he said to me.
“But it’s only 6, don’t you think it’s a bit too early to go to sleep?” They both gaped at me. Oh. I guessed sleep wasn’t what Nino had in mind. This time, I felt myself blush. Nino turned back to Satoshi and kissed him. I had to look away. If they kissed like that in front of people who knew how they were in bed. I glanced back at them making out and wondered what it was like to kiss that way with Sho Would I ever dared kiss a man that passionately? Sho’s lips seemed to be soft and plump, and definitely kissable. I shot to me feet, nearly knocking the chair over. Did I just think about kissing Sho the way these two were doing? They glanced at me, confused.
“Uh, uh, I gotta go.” I left before either one of them could say anything else. I didn’t care if they thought I was being rude, but I didn’t want to be with those two freaks another second. I paced a bit outside their apartment to analyze my thoughts on why I had seem to want to kiss Sho. No, no. I was just curious as to what it would be like to kiss a man, that’s all. Not that I ever would. I have a girlfriend, for goodness’ sake. That meant I was into girls. I was just comparing myself to my cousin in terms of kissing so passionately with a guy. As if I ever would do such a thing. A nagging feeling crept up in my mind and I quickly pushed it out. No. That was not possible. I was not into Sho. I wasn’t!
The phone ringing in my pocket made me jumped and I sheepishly chuckled to myself for being so anxious about nothing. I pulled the phone out and glanced at the screen. It was Sho. I debated answering it, but my hand seemed to have a mind of its own because I pressed the button to answer.
“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” he asked.
“Um, nothing. Why?”
“There’s nothing to eat at my place. Wanna go grab some dinner and get our drink on?”
“Sure.”
“Meet me in Ginza, at that bar and grill we went to once.”
“Okay. I’ll see you there.” I made my way down the hall of the apartment building to the elevators. I passed a window and was startled at my reflection. I was grinning from ear to ear.
***
Sho called me over when he spotted me among the crowd. As I made my way, my heart fluttered a bit. No kidding. Now I’m being poetic? What the hell was this man doing to me?
“Hey,” I said as coolly as possible though somehow I had the urge to hug him or peck a kiss on his cheek. He was wearing a white t-shirt with an abstract black print on the front and a black vest; a dark washed jeans and boots. He seemed put together and I couldn’t help admiring how good-looking the man was. I vaguely noticed some women were looking our way, looking both of us in turn and smiling appreciatively. Suddenly I felt nervous and tongue-tied. We were going to have dinner together, alone.
“C’mon, they’re waiting for us,” he said. I could’ve sworn the world stopped for a second.
“Say what now?” I asked.
“Oh. I guess you didn’t get my text message,” he said. I fished out my phone and saw the alert just after he had called me. Some of our fellow skydivers were coming along to “our” dinner. A big disappointment filled my heart that I couldn’t deny. I followed him to the long table at the back of the restaurant-bar where five of our friends from camp had already been occupying. A couple of chairs were waiting for us.. It was good seeing my friends again, reminiscing about camp as if it had happened years ago, not a few weeks. I tried joining in the conversation, but sitting next to Sho was a bit distracting. I caught the faint smell of his cologne and felt the warmth emitted from his body. I wished he would just wrap his arm around my shoulders and kiss me just as how Nino kissed Satoshi.
I shot to my feet so fast, I knocked over the chair and table. The plates clattered. Everybody looked up in surprise. I couldn’t explain why I was just standing there. Embarrassed, I hurried out of the bar aware that my friends were calling my name as I made my way through the other patrons. What the hell was I thinking? Me, fantasizing about my best friend?! Was I out of my mind? He’s a dude. I’m a dude.
“Jun!” I heard him behind me as he followed me out. “Jun what’s going on?”
Ugh. He was the last person I needed to see right now. Go away. Don’t talk to me, I thought. He caught my arm, stopping me for walking further.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “What’s with you lately?”
Was he kidding me? Was he really that stupid how he had no idea he was the reason of my insanity? In my frustration, I whipped around and slammed him against the wall. I rammed my lips onto his so hard, I cut his lip a little. His body stiffened against mine as our lips connected, but as soon as I felt him melt into our kiss, I broke away, startled. He seemed to be jolted back to reality as well because his face mirrored my shock. We stared at each other in horror. Holy shit, I had kissed my best friend at a darkened street corner. Could this situation be anymore cliché?
“What the hell was that?” he asked. “Why did you just kiss me?” I blinked. Why DID I just kiss him? I shook my head.
“I-I don’t know,” I stammered. “I-I felt I had to.” I started to walk away, but he caught my arm again. This time, I was the one that got slammed against the wall. It reminded me of the time in high school that Sho punched me in the face. It was an accident. He had a fight with another classmate over something stupid. I came between them to stop the fight, but I did it in the worst possible timing ever. Sho was about to punch the guy, and instead, his fist contacted against my cheek. I was sure I would get another one this time. I flinched. Instead, he gently cupped my face before he drew his lips to mine. Unlike the kiss I gave him just moments ago, his was gentle and loving. At first. Then I started getting into it, and pushed my tongue against his. I grabbed his waist and pulled him closer to me as we kissed more urgently under the shadow of the building.
“Let’s go to my place,” he whispered against my lips. I just moaned my reply and he took that as a yes. He grabbed my wrist and I let him lead me down the sidewalk to the direction of his apartment.
***
I woke up the next morning to the brightness of the room. At first, I couldn’t remember where I was when I looked at the unfamiliar ceiling. The bed didn’t smell of cherry blossoms and lavender from Mao’s lotion. In fact, it faintly smelled of sex and that sandalwood in Sho’s cologne. Sho! I sat up. I was alone in bed- in Sho’s studio apartment. He wasn’t in the kitchen, and I didn’t hear the shower. Maybe he went off to get something to eat. I was kind of hungry since I didn’t eat dinner.
That triggered memories from last night. I lay back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe it. I had sex with my best friend. I barely remember how we got here in the first place. All I knew was how we barely could keep our hands and lips off each other. I remembered clothes being thrown every which way as we hurriedly took them off like they would burn our skin off. And the sex? It was gentle; it was rough. It was loving; it was lustful. And I might have I hurt my back and I was sore all over.
My phone rang before I could even continue thinking about my night with a man. I felt for my phone on the side table and peered at the screen with one eye. Mao.
I sprung up. I had totally forgotten about her and guilt suddenly washed over me. I quickly took a shower to get rid of Sho’s scent and changed back to my clothes. On the way out, I happened to look at the counter and noticed a piece of paper on it. It was a note from Sho, saying he had a new full-time job at Chiba and would call me when he gets back in Tokyo. I frowned. So much for that. The least he could do was to wake me and tell me personally. I didn’t have time to simmer over that. I had to leave. I locked the door behind me and made my way back to reality.
***
When I arrived at my apartment, Mao had already left for work. I checked the time. I was already late for my work. The apartment felt stuffy. I felt suffocated. I headed back out and went to Satoshi’s.
Nino’s scowling face greeted me yet again.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” he asked.
“I should ask the same thing with you,” I replied. “Is Satoshi here?” I pushed past him.
“Please, come in.” I ignored his sarcasm and sat on the couch. There was a video game on paused and I started to wonder if Nino had a job of testing out new video games since that was all he ever did whenever I come over.
“Satoshi will be back later. He had something to do at his studio,” Nino said as he sat on the floor and started the game again. I took that as a sign that he didn’t want to talk anymore. We sat there without talking, as only the video game and his occasional mumblings about it filled the apartment. I was getting bored, so I grabbed one of the controls off the coffee table and asked if I could play. He ignored me. I asked again.
“No,” he said, his eyes still on the TV.
“Why not? I’m bored. Let me play.”
He threw the controller down and shot to his feet. I stared at him in confusion. He had never been super friendly with me, but he never got super angry with me, either. I was surprised by his actions toward me lately.
“I said, no. Why don’t you get out of here and leave me alone?” he yelled, pointing a finger to the door. His shoulders hitched up and down as his breathed heavily.
I shot to my feet as well. “What is wrong with you, Nino? Why are you so angry with me?”
“Well, maybe if you had just taken the time to call your girlfriend while you were gone, everything would’ve been okay.”
“What are you talking about?”
His anger seemed to simmer down a notch when he looked away. I could tell there was something big he wanted to tell me, but somehow had been holding it back. I asked again what was wrong.
“Okay, fine,” he sighed. “Mao and Satoshi had a one-night stand.”
At first, I stared at him, then I burst out laughing. He looked at me in frustration.
“It’s true. I came home early from a gaming conference and I caught them in bed together.”
“Well, maybe they were just sleeping and no sex-“
“There was a used condom on the floor.”
I blinked and shook my head. Nothing made sense. “But, Satoshi is with you, and… and… Mao is a girl, so…” Even my words were nonsense.
“I left the room and came to the kitchen, trying to make sense of it myself. I found bottles of liquor in the recycle bin. When drunk enough, Satoshi gets horny, and I bet you, Mao just wanted to feel better, even for just a little while.”
“No, you’re lying,” I said, shaking my head adamantly. “Mao would never just sleep around for the sake of sleeping around. Especially with my cousin.”
“Why don’t you ask her, then?” Nino said. “I’ve already asked Satoshi and he told me everything.”
I ran out of there. I didn’t want to go home, and I couldn’t go to work since I could barely think straight, so I just drove straight to the air field and asked one of my friends if I could skydive for a while. Maybe the change of scenery and the crisp air would clear my head. When I got back to the city, I still could not wrap my head around the fact Mao and Satoshi had slept together. I came home to find Mao packing her stuff.
“Hi,” she said quietly as I walked into the bedroom. “My apartment is all fixed up now. The manager had called me at work. I can now go back. Thanks for letting me stay here for the summer.”
“Did you fuck Satoshi?” I asked. She blinked then looked away. I grabbed her shoulders and asked again.
“Yes, but it was a mistake!,” she cried. “We were both drunk. He was horny and I really missed you so much. You never replied to my messages while you were away.”
“So it’s my fault, then that you had a one-night stand with my cousin?”
Mao shook her head. “That’s not what I’m trying to say at all.”
“I can’t believe you, Mao. Being in a relationship is all about trust. I trusted you.”
Mao shot a glare at me. “Don’t you dare lecture me about trust and relatiobship, Jun,” she yelled. “You’re the one to talk.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
She shook her head, and pushed me away. She grabbed her purse and slammed the door on her way out, leaving me, and her half-packed suitcase, behind.
***
“Oh, hey, coz,” Satoshi greeted me when he opened the door for once. I punched him in greeting, and he staggered back into the genkan. I walked in.
“How could you sleep with my girlfriend?” I asked.
Satoshi wiped the blood from his cut lip. “Oh. Nino told you, huh? I guess he is still angry about that.” I followed him to the kitchen where he grabbed a bag of frozen corn to place on the bruise I left. “Look, we were both drunk and she just came on to me. I only wanted her to feel better about her stupid boyfriend who wasn’t returning her calls.”
“How could you two do this to me?” I asked.
Satoshi glared at me. It happened too fast for my foggy brain to register the fist coming my way. I fell back from the punch he gave me and I looked up at him more in surprised than hurt.
“What the hell was that for?” I yelled.
“For being stupid,” Satoshi replied. He shook his hand in pain. “Damn, you really are hard-headed. Why don’t you just be honest with yourself, if honesty is such a big deal with you?”
“What are you talking about?”
Satoshi sighed and pulled me up to sit me on the dining chair. He leaned down to my face. “I’m talking about the fact that you don’t love your girlfriend as much as you say you do.”
“What? I love Mao.”
Satoshi shook his head. “No. Not that way, you’re not. You’re not IN love with her. There’s a difference.” Satoshi took another dining chair and sat across from me, looking intently at me. “Mao called me last night, saying that she had saw you and Sho making out outside a bar in Ginza.”
“She did?” I guessed she had gone out with a friend that night.
Satoshi nodded. “Care to explain?” he asked.
“There’s nothing to explain.”
“You’re right. Your actions tell it all. You’re in love with Sho, so why can’t you accept that?” I stared at him in silence. Until Satoshi had verbalized it, I never really thought about why Sho was filling up my mind and somehow my admiration of my best friend had turned into attraction. Oh, crap. I was in love with my best friend.
Satoshi sighed loudly, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Why don’t you go talk to Mao and end this properly with her? Don’t hurt her anymore with this you had already have.” I nodded solemnly. In spite of the spacey aura he emitted, Satoshi could be wise beyond expectations. I apologized for punching him, and he merely shook his head.
“You needed to come to terms with yourself and I willingly sacrificed my face for your well-being.”
I smiled, kissed him on the cheek and left.
***
I called Mao to a coffee shop near my place. She was already there waiting. I sat across from her. She barely looked me in the eye.
“I’m sorry, for everything,” I said. She sniffed, studying her fingers. “I didn’t know what was going on with me, or rather, didn’t want to face it. I thought if I kept denying it, it would just go away on its own, like a phase, you know?”
“So what is going on, then?” she asked quietly.
“I’m in love with Sho,” I said. She looked down on her lap and discreetly wiped her eyes. “I still love you, but more so as a friend.”
“I had felt you drifted apart months ago,” she said, her voice choked back in a sob. “I had a feeling that you like someone else, but I never thought you’d replace me with a man.”
“Mao, it’s not like I meant for it to happen,” I said.
“Of course not,” she scoffed and glared at me with watery eyes. “You can’t help who you fall in love with. I just wished you could’ve been honest with yourself instead of dragging me through this mess because you didn’t want to accept the fact you’re in love with your guy best friend.”
She shot to her feet and slapped the key for my apartment on the table. “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like being with you right now. Maybe one day I can forgive you and we can be friends, but for now, I hate you and don’t ever speak to me again.” She walked away before I could say anything else.
I sat there, still wondering what went wrong with this whole thing. I knew it was my fault for creating this mess. And on top of it, I had betrayed a good friend. I really did hope she would forgive me one day. I wiped my eyes as they welled up with tears. I fished out my phone and called Sho. He didn’t answer. It was already late, so maybe he was already asleep. With a heavy heart, I went home to my lonely apartment. I went to bed, not bothering to change out of my clothes. I’d call Sho again tomorrow, and maybe everything will be okay then.
***
It had been almost a week since Mao and I broke up. I still haven’t heard from Sho, but I used my time being busy at work at the entertainment agency. I met up with Satoshi a couple of times, but I made sure he came over to my place instead. I wasn’t ready to see Nino, yet. Somehow, I felt embarrassed showing my face to him. I couldn’t believe that after this whole thing, he still stayed with Satoshi. That’s love, I guess.
It came unexpectedly that I couldn’t believe it at first. Sho sent a text message to come to his apartment. I took a deep breath to calm down. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered so fast that I wanted to throw up. I didn’t, but I contained my excitement and nervousness as I made my way over to his place after work..
“Hey,” he said in a greeting. I was slightly disappointed he didn’t hug or kiss me considering this was the first time we met again after that one night together.
“Hi,” I said, giving him a shy smile. “Long time no see.”
“Yeah.” He walked to the living room and I followed him inside. “Sit down.”
“How was Chiba?” I asked.
“What?”
“Your note? You said you went to Chiba for business. Did you stay there for a week?”
“Oh. Right,” he said, looking away. “Sit down.”
“Sho,” I said. “I already did.” My heart beat faster and deep down, I knew something’s wrong. He was too quiet and he hadn’t looked in my eyes once. I cleared my throat. “So anyway, there was something exciting happening at work. A certain big celebrity transferred to my agency, so you can imagine how happy we are. I can’t tell you yet, who, but for sure the press will be all over that soon.”
Sho just nodded, but at least he was now looking at me. I cleared my throat again. “So… Mao and I broke up last week.” He nodded again, but I couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking. “I, uh, I was wondering since I’m available now, maybe we can pick up where we left off…”
“Jun,” the way Sho said it clutched a feeling of dread in my stomach. I just stared at him, waiting. “Jun, you know I do care about you, and you are one of the most important people in my life…”
“But?” I interjected.
Sho sighed. “I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship right now.”
“But what about…” I started to say.
“That night was a mistake and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.”
I scratched my head. What the fuck was going on? Was fate messing around with me?
“I never told you this, but remember Aiba Masaki? I saw him here in Tokyo last week. I saw him again in Chiba. Apparently he has family there.”
“Wait, didn’t you two break up three years ago?” I asked. “Why are you still hung up on him? Did you guys got back together?” I shook my head to make sense of it all. Karma was messing with me, I knew it. This was for hurting Mao.
Sho shook his head. “When I said family, I meant he has a wife and a daughter. A 4-year-old. So cute,” he said with a bitter smile. “But just seeing him again had brought back hurtful memories that I don’t think it’ll be fair to you if we start dating, not how I am feeling anyway.”
I looked away, disappointed. It already felt unfair.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he continued. “I still think of you as my best friend, okay?” He took my hands in his. “I love you, Jun, but this isn’t the right time for us. I hope you understand.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I would not cry in front of him. It sucked, but there wasn’t anything I could do but accept it. Sho looked at me expectantly when I opened my eyes. I love this man, so much, but I guessed I have to accept that maybe we were only meant to be just friends all along. I nodded slowly and softly kissed him on the lips. Without another word, I got up to leave.
“Hey,” he said before I got get away. “Call me if you want to hang out soon.”
***
I wandered aimlessly around the city just thinking about everything that had happened in just a few days. Where did it all go wrong? What if I hadn’t been having these feelings for Sho? None of this would have happened. I sat at a bench along the sidewalk near Satoshi’s place. I should go ask him for help, but my problems had already messed with his and Nino’s relationship.I just couldn’t do any further damage. Was Sho right? Was what had happened to us that night a mistake? I shook my head. It didn’t feel like it was, not to me anyway. I didn’t regret admitting my feelings to him one bit.
“Why do I feel so lousy, then?” I asked to the universe.
“Maybe it’s because your girlfriend had to sleep with a gay man in order to feel better.”
Startled, I looked up to see who said it. Nino and his permanent scowl. I inwardly groaned. He was the last person I wanted to see at the moment when I had no strength to argue. I looked away hoping he gets the hint to leave me alone. Instead, he sat beside me on the bench.
“It sucks when karma kicks your ass, doesn't it?”
“Why are you always such a bitch to me?”
“Sho rejected you?”
I could only nod. “Maybe I shouldn’t have loved him in the first place,” I said with a sigh.
“You can’t help who you love.”
I looked at him and had to smile. “For someone who seems to have something up his ass most of the time, you have a romantic spot in you.”
“I have my moments.” Nino smiled back. “Listen, I’m a bitch to you because you and I are alike, and I hate it.”
I laughed. He says the most ridiculous things sometimes.
“See? I used to love this man a while back,” he continued. “But the thing is, he was straight and had a girlfriend. Well, I thought he was straight, but my gay radar never lies. Still, looking back, I knew it’d never work between us. You just have to be patient. I’m sure the right guy will come along in due time.” Nino gets up. “Well, I gotta go. I hate doing this mushy crap.”
“Hey, Neen,” I said. He scowled again when I called him that nickname. “After you got over that first boy, was that when you met Satoshi?”
Nino smiled coyly. “Of course. It was through him I met his cousin.” He winked at me and turned to leave.
It took a moment to realize that Nino was talking about me. Nino, bratty as always. But he was right, though. I just had to be patient and somehow, when fate smiles on me again, the right guy would come along.
*****
A/N: Thanks for reading.
Pairing/Focus: Sakumoto, MaotsuJun, side OhnoxMao
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst, angst, and more angst, oh, and very ironic title… you’ll see
Summary: Jun wasn’t sure why his best friend Sho had been on his mind constantly… and why his feelings for Mao seemed to wane. It would take something shocking between two people he trusted the most to make him face his true feelings. Will he take that leap of faith?
Notes: From the Jun fic exchange over at Freestyle for jade_lil. Thanks to hadashi_no_eden for polishing this up.
*****
“No, please. I don’t want to do this anymore!” cried the hysterical 20-year-old girl, shaking her head stubbornly and backing out from the open door. Everyone was looking at her, but she didn’t seem to care. Looking like a crazed idiot was better than a dead idiot.
Inwardly, I groaned, but even if I had done so out loud, I wouldn’t have been heard over her hysterics and the engine noise of the airplane Being in this line of work I’ve seen this a million times before.. Something about jumping out of the plane to the unknown and letting gravity take over made sane people go crazy. I put my hands on her shoulders and made her face me.
“Mika-san, you can do this,” I said in my most calming voice. “It’s just mind over matter. Beside, you’ll be strapped to me the whole time.”
She stared at me, still unsure about the whole thing. I smiled my best confident smile. It really was mind over matter, but the thing was, if she kick and scream through the whole thing, she might cause an accident and kill both of us. I sat her back down on the seat to give her a breather.
“Okay, Mika,” her partner, Meg, said. “I’ll go first. We checked our equipment many times. I’m sure we’ll be okay”
“Don’t worry,” Sakurai Sho said. “You two have the best instructors at the camp. Ne, Matsumoto-san?”
I nodded, turning to Mika, who seemed to have calmed down a bit. Meg put on her helmet as Sho strapped themselves together. They moved closer to the door of the airplane, the wind whipping our hair about. The whooshing sound of the passing air got louder as Mika and I anticipated their jump. Sho started the countdown.
“One. Two. Three!” The air seemed to suck them out on cue as they jumped out of the airplane. I walked over to the door and peered down, their bodies floated mid-air weightlessly. I turned to Mika, who seemed to be interested as well.
“Are you ready?” I asked. She swallowed, and for a second, I thought I’d have to ask the pilot to turn the plane around back to the landing field.
“Okay. I need to face my fear, right?” she said in a shaky smile.
“Atta, girl,” I cheered. I helped her with her helmet, put on mine, and strapped her to my harness. On my countdown, we jumped out of the plane. There is nothing like floating in the air. I can’t really describe it. It is surreal and mind-blowing. The view from above is majestic. The world seemed perfect from above. The air is crisp and cool and for just a moment, everything was calm.
I took in the view for just a moment before my meter beeped, indicating I need to pull out the chute. I tugged on the string and we felt the pull of the chute coming out of the backpack on my back. There was a jerk as the chute opened up and slowed us down as we come closer to the ground. I steered us to the clearing where we had to land. In the distance, I could see Meg and Sho had already landed and waited for us, along with the other campers and instructors from the camp. It was a pretty smooth landing., Neither of us fell face first on the ground and there were no accidents. Today was a good jump. Mika gave me the widest grin and hugged me tightly as soon as we unstrapped the chute from us. I think she was just too happy to be alive.
Meg and Mika ran to each other, talking loudly and over each other about their experiences. Sho came up to me with a grin, and for a split second, my heart rate shot up. Maybe it was from the thrill of the jump.
“Good jump today,” Sho said, patting my shoulder.
“You bet,” I said. I gathered the heavy chute as Sho helped me collect the big cloth. I noticed that his pack was not on him so he probably had it stuffed back in the van already.
“So, no more hysterics, I see,” he said, nodding to the direction behind me. I turned to look at Meg and Mika laughing and animatedly talking to the other girls from the camp. I smiled.
“Nope. And I think we created a skydive addict.”
Sho laughed. “It’s the ultimate high, baby.”
Even though he said it in a general sense, my heart fluttered a bit. It must be the aftershock effect of the adrenaline in my system. Sho carried the pack as we made our way back to the van. Everyone arrived safely at the landing clearing and we left for the campsite. During the ride, Sho and I sat together near the front of the van while the kids were gossiping at the back. I glanced sideways at Sho, who was dozing off. His knee was touching mine and even though it wasn’t intentional, I kind of liked the limited connection. Wait, what the hell was I thinking? I shifted my legs to further avoid touching his. I looked out the window. What the hell was my problem? Sho was my best friend and fellow skydiving instructor at the skydiving camp every summer. I’ve known this dude since junior high. I tried to shake off this weird feeling.
When we finally arrived at the camp, one of the receptionists handed me several pieces of paper. I looked through them and saw they were those phone messages notes that people who had been calling me had left. One from my mother in Saipan, checking up on me during her honeymoon with her third husband, another from my cousin Ohno Satoshi, and the rest were from Inoue Mao.
“She had been trying to reach you,” the receptionist who gave me them said. “She said your phone just kept ringing.” I patted my clothes. I forgot to bring my phone to the field. Just as well. I’d hate for it to fall off from my pocket 12,000 feet above and conk someone out in the street.
“Thanks.” I waved bye to her and to the other receptionists and headed back the cabin that I shared with Sho. He was already there. I stopped in my tracks and stared. He had his shirt off and was splayed on the bed, eyes on the news story of the day. He finally noticed me and raised an eyebrow.
“What?” he asked. I quickly shook my head.
“N-nothing,” I said, and ducked into the bathroom. My face felt on fire and I hoped he didn’t see me blush. I scowled at my reflection on the mirror. “What the fuck are you doing, Jun?” I mumbled to myself. The image of half-naked Sho flashed before my eyes. I shook my head, trying to get rid of it. My heart raced a notch. I splashed cold water on my face to calm down. So what if your roommate-slash-best friend-slash-coworker was half naked? He’s a guy, you're a guy. No big deal. “Stop making it a big deal, then. Idiot!”
“Who are you talking to?” I heard Sho yell above the news reporter.
“No one,” I yelled back. I turned off the faucet and got out of the bathroom. Sho barely looked my way.
“Tomorrow is the last day, thank God,” he said as I jumped on my own bed. “By the way, I saw your phone. You have 15 missed calls. Damn, your woman is tenacious.”
“Yeah,” I said, fingering my phone. I should call. No, it’s late. She might be awake. She might call again. Might as well do it now.
“I’m hungry,” Sho announced.
I sat up. “Let’s go eat.” Without waiting for him, I got up on my feet and headed to the door. He followed me out.
“Hey, you forgot your phone,” he said, but I pretended not to hear him and kept walking down the hall to the cafeteria. I’d just call Mao when I got back from dinner. Right now, I didn’t feel like talking to her. It wouldn’t take us long to eat anyway.
By the time Sho and I got back in to our room, it was around midnight. We got sidetracked at the cafeteria, talking with campers who were now ready to take the leap on their own, so to speak. Tomorrow, they would get their certifications like a sort of skydiving graduation, so tonight was really the last time I would see these people regularly. I was tired by the time we got back and I decided to just go to bed in my jeans.
“Have you been working out?” Sho said when I flung my shirt on the floor beside my bed. I grinned and flexed my arm.
“Hell, yeah,” I said.
He nodded. “Nice.” He too took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor. The man was so fit. He wasn’t super buff like a K-pop star, but he wasn’t just a skinny dude with gangly limbs, either. Just muscular with angles chiseled at the right spots.
“What?”
I blinked. Sho looked at me with a puzzled expression. I realized he had asked me that earlier.
“Uh, you have something on your back,” I said and looked away. Sho looked over his shoulder to see what it was. There wasn’t, really. I just needed to distract him from having caught me staring at him twice in a span of few hours.
“Good night,” I said, pulling the blanket over my head, turning my back to him.
“Seriously, Jun, where? What is it?” I heard him patting his shoulder as if he could get rid of it. I laughed under the covers. I heard him stopped wriggling around and I could feel him staring at me.
“Haha. Very funny.” I chuckled at his sarcastic tone. He turned off the light and got into his bed. I closed my eyes to sleep when my phone beep. Mao sent a message: “I miss you. Please call me back.” I pushed the button to put the phone to sleep mode. The last thing on my mind as I drifted to sleep wasn’t Mao’s face, but Sho’s.
***
Sho parked his car on the street near my apartment building. As we got out of the car, I invited him in for drinks . The skydiving camp ended earlier in the afternoon. After the goodbyes and small talk with the other instructors and some adult campers, Sho and I didn’t get to leave for the city until 18:13. By the time we reached Tokyo, the sun had already set and we were hungry. I had replied back to Mao that I would be home around 7 and she said she’d have dinner ready by then.
“Oh, Sakurai-san,” Mao said in surprised when she greeted us at the genkan. Sho bowed his head slightly in greeting. “Jun, if you had told me Sakurai-san would be here, I’d have make something else.” She looked embarrassed and made her way inside. We followed her to the small square table that served as a dining table-slash-desk-slash-ironing board. In the middle of the table was a big bowl of hotpot soup and some onigiri. “I can run down to the convenient store really quick and get something else,” she stammered, looking away.
“Wow, I haven’t had homemade soup in a while,” Sho said, smiling. “Camp food sucked.” Mao laughed, looking slightly relieved. She looked expectantly at me. I smiled and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
“This is fine, thank you,” I said. We sat down and eat. Mao served the bowls of soup to us and we told her about our adventures at the camp. She was listening intently as Sho told her one of his stories I had heard before.
“I should really try skydiving, just once,” Mao said.
“You should,” Sho replied with a nod. “It’s the ultimate high, baby.”
“Is that going to be your motto?” I asked with a laugh. Sho laughed but Mao looked confused. I didn’t bother to explain our inside joke. Mao’s smile wavered a little and I felt a pang of guilt somehow.
“So, Inoue-san, I heard your apartment is being renovated,” Sho said. “How’s that going? Jun, pass me the soy sauce.”
“It’s almost done,” Mao replied, handing the soy sauce to me to pass to Sho. “Yeah, the supervisor had finally replaced the old air conditioning unit with a remote controlled one. So from now on, I won’t be freezing at night and sweltering by day.” She looked at me. “I’ll probably go back the day after tomorrow.” She was looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to comment on that. When I just nodded, a corner of her lips tugged a little to what was supposed to be a start of a smile but she looked away. I felt she was disappointed about something, but I wasn’t sure why. I merely finished my soup.
Later that night, when dinner was long over and Sho had gone home, Mao snuggled to me in bed. Wordlessly, she nuzzled her head at the crook of my neck and pecked kisses. I know what she wanted to do but somehow, a part of me wasn’t so thrilled.
“I miss you so much,” she whispered in my ear, her breath felt warm. “Didn’t you miss me?” In the slight glow of the street light outside my window, her eyes were glazed in tears. What was wrong with me? Don’t normal men get turned on by their girlfriends whom they haven’t seen for weeks? Usually sex always trumps other things, like dinner, for example. And they certainly wouldn’t invite their buddies over the first time when they arrived to their waiting girlfriends or wives.
Ignoring the part of me not wanting this, I turned to her and said, “of course. I missed you, too.” I kissed her mouth deeply and fervently. I pushed the pang of guilt for telling her a little lie as I moved my hand down her back as our kiss deepened and her hand found its way under my boxers and between my legs. Her fingers lightly stroked my hardening cock. I am still a man, after all. With her other hand, she took my free hand and placed it between her legs. She bit her lip and shyly looked into my eyes. She was already wet and wanting.
‘You really missed me, huh?” I said with a smirk. She giggled and nodded.
“Make love to me, Jun,” she said wistfully. Without preamble, I gave her what she wanted.
***
She lay on her side, her face turned to me. It was actually good, our love making, but somehow, I felt she was holding back something I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I wondered if she suspected I was cheating on her, which I wasn’t. Sho’s face suddenly popped in my head. I quickly shook it out. No. Just because Sho had been filling my head lately didn’t mean anything. A twinge of longing for my best friend crept up. To erase my mind off of him, I scooted closer to Mao and nuzzled her neck.
“I love you, Jun,” she mumbled, laying her arm over mine as we cuddled.
“Me, too.” Somehow, I couldn’t say, “I love you” back to her. It wouldn’t be fair.
I shut my eyes and thought over things just to occupy my head, forcing myself to overshadow thoughts of Mao and Sho and the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
***
“Babe, let’s go on a date,” Mao said, scooting closer to me on the couch. I sighed. I didn’t have to look away from my book to know that she was waiting for me answer.
“I can’t,” I said, turning a page. “I still have one more bill that hasn’t cleared yet, and I don’t have the money.”
She sighed. “Then, I’ll pay.”
I turned to her and shook my head. “You have your rent to pay, too.”
“Jun, it’s been 2 weeks since you came back from camp. Then you went straight back to work for the agency. We haven’t gone out at all. Let’s just go eat out for dinner, then. We don’t have to do other things.”
“It’s too late for dinner, you have work tomorrow.”
“It’s only 8. We’ll be back at 10, tops.” I shook my head.
“Why are you such a bore lately?” she asked, scooting away from me and crossing her arms. “We use to go out and do things together.”
“Why are you so clingy lately?” I retorted. She turned to me, shocked at my accusation. I saw a flicker of hurt in her eyes, but I pressed on. “You used to be an independent woman. Why can’t you just call up one of your friends and have dinner with her if you want to eat out so badly?”
“I’m ‘clingy’? I’m ‘clingy’?” she shot to her feet, fury in her eyes. “How am I being clingy?”
“You kept hounding me to go on dates. You kept asking me where I’m going when I leave the apartment for a few minutes. You keep trying to have sex every night.”
She rubbed her temples with her fingers and took a deep breath. “Oh, my, god! Babe, we haven’t seen each other for weeks. I just want to be with you now that you’re back. What’s so wrong about that?”
I shut my book and slammed it on the coffee table. “I gotta get out of here,” I said, brushing past her and walked to the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.” The door sounded louder than I intended as I slammed it shut. I needed to get out and think.Her constant bickering was driving me nuts. What was her problem? So what if we hadn’t been going on dates? Did having to go out every night define a relationship? She is always calling my phone whenever I am work at the entertainment agency. Why can’t she understand that the world does not revolve around her.
I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialed Satoshi’s number. He didn’t answer, so I headed to his apartment anyway, hoping he was home. I needed a place to crash for a while.
Ninomiya Kazunari, Satoshi’s boyfriend answered the door. When he saw me, the scowl he used to discourage door-to-door salesmen deepened. This dude was always so moody around me but I never paid much attention to it. This afternoon was no different.
“Hey,” I said, entering past him. “Satoshi around? Can I just chill here for a few hours?” I heard him grumble under his breath and I turned to him. “What?”
He glared at me. “I said I wish you and your girlfriend could just keep your problems to yourself.” He pushed past me in the hall to the living room. I followed him and plopped myself on the couch. The brat just ignored my presence and started on his video game again. I made it to the kitchen and got something to drink. Since my “host” wasn’t feeling too hospitable, I’d just help myself.
“Oh, Jun, what’s up?” Satoshi said when he came out of the room. “I didn’t hear you come in.” There was a pair of headphones around his neck.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just needed to chill somewhere else for now.” I sat on the dining chair and he followed suit. The sound of the video game wafted to us. “Um, Nino said something about Mao and my problems to ourselves. Do you know what he meant?”
He looked away for a moment, then turned to me. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, which was weird. He usually did that when he couldn’t decide if he should disclose some private information. He did that all the time when we were kids whenever my parents or his would question us about our activities.
“Did Mao tell you something?” he asked slowly. I shook my head.
“Oh, okay.” A flicker of relief passed his eyes. “Um, well, she had come by once to vent out about you not communicating while you were at camp. I just heard her out.”
I nodded. I sensed something else he wasn’t telling me, but I didn’t push it. I had bigger problems. Nino came into the kitchen to get something to drink. He looked at us and scowled at me. He walked up to us and knelt to Satoshi’s eye level.
“We should get to bed soon,” he said, nuzzling his face at the crook of Satoshi’s neck. I raised an eyebrow at them. Satoshi blushed and gave me a sheepish grin. Nino’s fingers curled on Satoshi’s shirt as he whispered something in his ear. The red on Satoshi’s face deepened. I turned away. I didn’t want to know.
“But I’m still talking to Jun,” Satoshi said. Nino sighed. I turned back to them in time to see Nino glaring at me.
“Hurry up with your business, then,” he said to me.
“But it’s only 6, don’t you think it’s a bit too early to go to sleep?” They both gaped at me. Oh. I guessed sleep wasn’t what Nino had in mind. This time, I felt myself blush. Nino turned back to Satoshi and kissed him. I had to look away. If they kissed like that in front of people who knew how they were in bed. I glanced back at them making out and wondered what it was like to kiss that way with Sho Would I ever dared kiss a man that passionately? Sho’s lips seemed to be soft and plump, and definitely kissable. I shot to me feet, nearly knocking the chair over. Did I just think about kissing Sho the way these two were doing? They glanced at me, confused.
“Uh, uh, I gotta go.” I left before either one of them could say anything else. I didn’t care if they thought I was being rude, but I didn’t want to be with those two freaks another second. I paced a bit outside their apartment to analyze my thoughts on why I had seem to want to kiss Sho. No, no. I was just curious as to what it would be like to kiss a man, that’s all. Not that I ever would. I have a girlfriend, for goodness’ sake. That meant I was into girls. I was just comparing myself to my cousin in terms of kissing so passionately with a guy. As if I ever would do such a thing. A nagging feeling crept up in my mind and I quickly pushed it out. No. That was not possible. I was not into Sho. I wasn’t!
The phone ringing in my pocket made me jumped and I sheepishly chuckled to myself for being so anxious about nothing. I pulled the phone out and glanced at the screen. It was Sho. I debated answering it, but my hand seemed to have a mind of its own because I pressed the button to answer.
“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” he asked.
“Um, nothing. Why?”
“There’s nothing to eat at my place. Wanna go grab some dinner and get our drink on?”
“Sure.”
“Meet me in Ginza, at that bar and grill we went to once.”
“Okay. I’ll see you there.” I made my way down the hall of the apartment building to the elevators. I passed a window and was startled at my reflection. I was grinning from ear to ear.
***
Sho called me over when he spotted me among the crowd. As I made my way, my heart fluttered a bit. No kidding. Now I’m being poetic? What the hell was this man doing to me?
“Hey,” I said as coolly as possible though somehow I had the urge to hug him or peck a kiss on his cheek. He was wearing a white t-shirt with an abstract black print on the front and a black vest; a dark washed jeans and boots. He seemed put together and I couldn’t help admiring how good-looking the man was. I vaguely noticed some women were looking our way, looking both of us in turn and smiling appreciatively. Suddenly I felt nervous and tongue-tied. We were going to have dinner together, alone.
“C’mon, they’re waiting for us,” he said. I could’ve sworn the world stopped for a second.
“Say what now?” I asked.
“Oh. I guess you didn’t get my text message,” he said. I fished out my phone and saw the alert just after he had called me. Some of our fellow skydivers were coming along to “our” dinner. A big disappointment filled my heart that I couldn’t deny. I followed him to the long table at the back of the restaurant-bar where five of our friends from camp had already been occupying. A couple of chairs were waiting for us.. It was good seeing my friends again, reminiscing about camp as if it had happened years ago, not a few weeks. I tried joining in the conversation, but sitting next to Sho was a bit distracting. I caught the faint smell of his cologne and felt the warmth emitted from his body. I wished he would just wrap his arm around my shoulders and kiss me just as how Nino kissed Satoshi.
I shot to my feet so fast, I knocked over the chair and table. The plates clattered. Everybody looked up in surprise. I couldn’t explain why I was just standing there. Embarrassed, I hurried out of the bar aware that my friends were calling my name as I made my way through the other patrons. What the hell was I thinking? Me, fantasizing about my best friend?! Was I out of my mind? He’s a dude. I’m a dude.
“Jun!” I heard him behind me as he followed me out. “Jun what’s going on?”
Ugh. He was the last person I needed to see right now. Go away. Don’t talk to me, I thought. He caught my arm, stopping me for walking further.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “What’s with you lately?”
Was he kidding me? Was he really that stupid how he had no idea he was the reason of my insanity? In my frustration, I whipped around and slammed him against the wall. I rammed my lips onto his so hard, I cut his lip a little. His body stiffened against mine as our lips connected, but as soon as I felt him melt into our kiss, I broke away, startled. He seemed to be jolted back to reality as well because his face mirrored my shock. We stared at each other in horror. Holy shit, I had kissed my best friend at a darkened street corner. Could this situation be anymore cliché?
“What the hell was that?” he asked. “Why did you just kiss me?” I blinked. Why DID I just kiss him? I shook my head.
“I-I don’t know,” I stammered. “I-I felt I had to.” I started to walk away, but he caught my arm again. This time, I was the one that got slammed against the wall. It reminded me of the time in high school that Sho punched me in the face. It was an accident. He had a fight with another classmate over something stupid. I came between them to stop the fight, but I did it in the worst possible timing ever. Sho was about to punch the guy, and instead, his fist contacted against my cheek. I was sure I would get another one this time. I flinched. Instead, he gently cupped my face before he drew his lips to mine. Unlike the kiss I gave him just moments ago, his was gentle and loving. At first. Then I started getting into it, and pushed my tongue against his. I grabbed his waist and pulled him closer to me as we kissed more urgently under the shadow of the building.
“Let’s go to my place,” he whispered against my lips. I just moaned my reply and he took that as a yes. He grabbed my wrist and I let him lead me down the sidewalk to the direction of his apartment.
***
I woke up the next morning to the brightness of the room. At first, I couldn’t remember where I was when I looked at the unfamiliar ceiling. The bed didn’t smell of cherry blossoms and lavender from Mao’s lotion. In fact, it faintly smelled of sex and that sandalwood in Sho’s cologne. Sho! I sat up. I was alone in bed- in Sho’s studio apartment. He wasn’t in the kitchen, and I didn’t hear the shower. Maybe he went off to get something to eat. I was kind of hungry since I didn’t eat dinner.
That triggered memories from last night. I lay back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe it. I had sex with my best friend. I barely remember how we got here in the first place. All I knew was how we barely could keep our hands and lips off each other. I remembered clothes being thrown every which way as we hurriedly took them off like they would burn our skin off. And the sex? It was gentle; it was rough. It was loving; it was lustful. And I might have I hurt my back and I was sore all over.
My phone rang before I could even continue thinking about my night with a man. I felt for my phone on the side table and peered at the screen with one eye. Mao.
I sprung up. I had totally forgotten about her and guilt suddenly washed over me. I quickly took a shower to get rid of Sho’s scent and changed back to my clothes. On the way out, I happened to look at the counter and noticed a piece of paper on it. It was a note from Sho, saying he had a new full-time job at Chiba and would call me when he gets back in Tokyo. I frowned. So much for that. The least he could do was to wake me and tell me personally. I didn’t have time to simmer over that. I had to leave. I locked the door behind me and made my way back to reality.
***
When I arrived at my apartment, Mao had already left for work. I checked the time. I was already late for my work. The apartment felt stuffy. I felt suffocated. I headed back out and went to Satoshi’s.
Nino’s scowling face greeted me yet again.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” he asked.
“I should ask the same thing with you,” I replied. “Is Satoshi here?” I pushed past him.
“Please, come in.” I ignored his sarcasm and sat on the couch. There was a video game on paused and I started to wonder if Nino had a job of testing out new video games since that was all he ever did whenever I come over.
“Satoshi will be back later. He had something to do at his studio,” Nino said as he sat on the floor and started the game again. I took that as a sign that he didn’t want to talk anymore. We sat there without talking, as only the video game and his occasional mumblings about it filled the apartment. I was getting bored, so I grabbed one of the controls off the coffee table and asked if I could play. He ignored me. I asked again.
“No,” he said, his eyes still on the TV.
“Why not? I’m bored. Let me play.”
He threw the controller down and shot to his feet. I stared at him in confusion. He had never been super friendly with me, but he never got super angry with me, either. I was surprised by his actions toward me lately.
“I said, no. Why don’t you get out of here and leave me alone?” he yelled, pointing a finger to the door. His shoulders hitched up and down as his breathed heavily.
I shot to my feet as well. “What is wrong with you, Nino? Why are you so angry with me?”
“Well, maybe if you had just taken the time to call your girlfriend while you were gone, everything would’ve been okay.”
“What are you talking about?”
His anger seemed to simmer down a notch when he looked away. I could tell there was something big he wanted to tell me, but somehow had been holding it back. I asked again what was wrong.
“Okay, fine,” he sighed. “Mao and Satoshi had a one-night stand.”
At first, I stared at him, then I burst out laughing. He looked at me in frustration.
“It’s true. I came home early from a gaming conference and I caught them in bed together.”
“Well, maybe they were just sleeping and no sex-“
“There was a used condom on the floor.”
I blinked and shook my head. Nothing made sense. “But, Satoshi is with you, and… and… Mao is a girl, so…” Even my words were nonsense.
“I left the room and came to the kitchen, trying to make sense of it myself. I found bottles of liquor in the recycle bin. When drunk enough, Satoshi gets horny, and I bet you, Mao just wanted to feel better, even for just a little while.”
“No, you’re lying,” I said, shaking my head adamantly. “Mao would never just sleep around for the sake of sleeping around. Especially with my cousin.”
“Why don’t you ask her, then?” Nino said. “I’ve already asked Satoshi and he told me everything.”
I ran out of there. I didn’t want to go home, and I couldn’t go to work since I could barely think straight, so I just drove straight to the air field and asked one of my friends if I could skydive for a while. Maybe the change of scenery and the crisp air would clear my head. When I got back to the city, I still could not wrap my head around the fact Mao and Satoshi had slept together. I came home to find Mao packing her stuff.
“Hi,” she said quietly as I walked into the bedroom. “My apartment is all fixed up now. The manager had called me at work. I can now go back. Thanks for letting me stay here for the summer.”
“Did you fuck Satoshi?” I asked. She blinked then looked away. I grabbed her shoulders and asked again.
“Yes, but it was a mistake!,” she cried. “We were both drunk. He was horny and I really missed you so much. You never replied to my messages while you were away.”
“So it’s my fault, then that you had a one-night stand with my cousin?”
Mao shook her head. “That’s not what I’m trying to say at all.”
“I can’t believe you, Mao. Being in a relationship is all about trust. I trusted you.”
Mao shot a glare at me. “Don’t you dare lecture me about trust and relatiobship, Jun,” she yelled. “You’re the one to talk.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
She shook her head, and pushed me away. She grabbed her purse and slammed the door on her way out, leaving me, and her half-packed suitcase, behind.
***
“Oh, hey, coz,” Satoshi greeted me when he opened the door for once. I punched him in greeting, and he staggered back into the genkan. I walked in.
“How could you sleep with my girlfriend?” I asked.
Satoshi wiped the blood from his cut lip. “Oh. Nino told you, huh? I guess he is still angry about that.” I followed him to the kitchen where he grabbed a bag of frozen corn to place on the bruise I left. “Look, we were both drunk and she just came on to me. I only wanted her to feel better about her stupid boyfriend who wasn’t returning her calls.”
“How could you two do this to me?” I asked.
Satoshi glared at me. It happened too fast for my foggy brain to register the fist coming my way. I fell back from the punch he gave me and I looked up at him more in surprised than hurt.
“What the hell was that for?” I yelled.
“For being stupid,” Satoshi replied. He shook his hand in pain. “Damn, you really are hard-headed. Why don’t you just be honest with yourself, if honesty is such a big deal with you?”
“What are you talking about?”
Satoshi sighed and pulled me up to sit me on the dining chair. He leaned down to my face. “I’m talking about the fact that you don’t love your girlfriend as much as you say you do.”
“What? I love Mao.”
Satoshi shook his head. “No. Not that way, you’re not. You’re not IN love with her. There’s a difference.” Satoshi took another dining chair and sat across from me, looking intently at me. “Mao called me last night, saying that she had saw you and Sho making out outside a bar in Ginza.”
“She did?” I guessed she had gone out with a friend that night.
Satoshi nodded. “Care to explain?” he asked.
“There’s nothing to explain.”
“You’re right. Your actions tell it all. You’re in love with Sho, so why can’t you accept that?” I stared at him in silence. Until Satoshi had verbalized it, I never really thought about why Sho was filling up my mind and somehow my admiration of my best friend had turned into attraction. Oh, crap. I was in love with my best friend.
Satoshi sighed loudly, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Why don’t you go talk to Mao and end this properly with her? Don’t hurt her anymore with this you had already have.” I nodded solemnly. In spite of the spacey aura he emitted, Satoshi could be wise beyond expectations. I apologized for punching him, and he merely shook his head.
“You needed to come to terms with yourself and I willingly sacrificed my face for your well-being.”
I smiled, kissed him on the cheek and left.
***
I called Mao to a coffee shop near my place. She was already there waiting. I sat across from her. She barely looked me in the eye.
“I’m sorry, for everything,” I said. She sniffed, studying her fingers. “I didn’t know what was going on with me, or rather, didn’t want to face it. I thought if I kept denying it, it would just go away on its own, like a phase, you know?”
“So what is going on, then?” she asked quietly.
“I’m in love with Sho,” I said. She looked down on her lap and discreetly wiped her eyes. “I still love you, but more so as a friend.”
“I had felt you drifted apart months ago,” she said, her voice choked back in a sob. “I had a feeling that you like someone else, but I never thought you’d replace me with a man.”
“Mao, it’s not like I meant for it to happen,” I said.
“Of course not,” she scoffed and glared at me with watery eyes. “You can’t help who you fall in love with. I just wished you could’ve been honest with yourself instead of dragging me through this mess because you didn’t want to accept the fact you’re in love with your guy best friend.”
She shot to her feet and slapped the key for my apartment on the table. “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like being with you right now. Maybe one day I can forgive you and we can be friends, but for now, I hate you and don’t ever speak to me again.” She walked away before I could say anything else.
I sat there, still wondering what went wrong with this whole thing. I knew it was my fault for creating this mess. And on top of it, I had betrayed a good friend. I really did hope she would forgive me one day. I wiped my eyes as they welled up with tears. I fished out my phone and called Sho. He didn’t answer. It was already late, so maybe he was already asleep. With a heavy heart, I went home to my lonely apartment. I went to bed, not bothering to change out of my clothes. I’d call Sho again tomorrow, and maybe everything will be okay then.
***
It had been almost a week since Mao and I broke up. I still haven’t heard from Sho, but I used my time being busy at work at the entertainment agency. I met up with Satoshi a couple of times, but I made sure he came over to my place instead. I wasn’t ready to see Nino, yet. Somehow, I felt embarrassed showing my face to him. I couldn’t believe that after this whole thing, he still stayed with Satoshi. That’s love, I guess.
It came unexpectedly that I couldn’t believe it at first. Sho sent a text message to come to his apartment. I took a deep breath to calm down. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered so fast that I wanted to throw up. I didn’t, but I contained my excitement and nervousness as I made my way over to his place after work..
“Hey,” he said in a greeting. I was slightly disappointed he didn’t hug or kiss me considering this was the first time we met again after that one night together.
“Hi,” I said, giving him a shy smile. “Long time no see.”
“Yeah.” He walked to the living room and I followed him inside. “Sit down.”
“How was Chiba?” I asked.
“What?”
“Your note? You said you went to Chiba for business. Did you stay there for a week?”
“Oh. Right,” he said, looking away. “Sit down.”
“Sho,” I said. “I already did.” My heart beat faster and deep down, I knew something’s wrong. He was too quiet and he hadn’t looked in my eyes once. I cleared my throat. “So anyway, there was something exciting happening at work. A certain big celebrity transferred to my agency, so you can imagine how happy we are. I can’t tell you yet, who, but for sure the press will be all over that soon.”
Sho just nodded, but at least he was now looking at me. I cleared my throat again. “So… Mao and I broke up last week.” He nodded again, but I couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking. “I, uh, I was wondering since I’m available now, maybe we can pick up where we left off…”
“Jun,” the way Sho said it clutched a feeling of dread in my stomach. I just stared at him, waiting. “Jun, you know I do care about you, and you are one of the most important people in my life…”
“But?” I interjected.
Sho sighed. “I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship right now.”
“But what about…” I started to say.
“That night was a mistake and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.”
I scratched my head. What the fuck was going on? Was fate messing around with me?
“I never told you this, but remember Aiba Masaki? I saw him here in Tokyo last week. I saw him again in Chiba. Apparently he has family there.”
“Wait, didn’t you two break up three years ago?” I asked. “Why are you still hung up on him? Did you guys got back together?” I shook my head to make sense of it all. Karma was messing with me, I knew it. This was for hurting Mao.
Sho shook his head. “When I said family, I meant he has a wife and a daughter. A 4-year-old. So cute,” he said with a bitter smile. “But just seeing him again had brought back hurtful memories that I don’t think it’ll be fair to you if we start dating, not how I am feeling anyway.”
I looked away, disappointed. It already felt unfair.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he continued. “I still think of you as my best friend, okay?” He took my hands in his. “I love you, Jun, but this isn’t the right time for us. I hope you understand.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I would not cry in front of him. It sucked, but there wasn’t anything I could do but accept it. Sho looked at me expectantly when I opened my eyes. I love this man, so much, but I guessed I have to accept that maybe we were only meant to be just friends all along. I nodded slowly and softly kissed him on the lips. Without another word, I got up to leave.
“Hey,” he said before I got get away. “Call me if you want to hang out soon.”
***
I wandered aimlessly around the city just thinking about everything that had happened in just a few days. Where did it all go wrong? What if I hadn’t been having these feelings for Sho? None of this would have happened. I sat at a bench along the sidewalk near Satoshi’s place. I should go ask him for help, but my problems had already messed with his and Nino’s relationship.I just couldn’t do any further damage. Was Sho right? Was what had happened to us that night a mistake? I shook my head. It didn’t feel like it was, not to me anyway. I didn’t regret admitting my feelings to him one bit.
“Why do I feel so lousy, then?” I asked to the universe.
“Maybe it’s because your girlfriend had to sleep with a gay man in order to feel better.”
Startled, I looked up to see who said it. Nino and his permanent scowl. I inwardly groaned. He was the last person I wanted to see at the moment when I had no strength to argue. I looked away hoping he gets the hint to leave me alone. Instead, he sat beside me on the bench.
“It sucks when karma kicks your ass, doesn't it?”
“Why are you always such a bitch to me?”
“Sho rejected you?”
I could only nod. “Maybe I shouldn’t have loved him in the first place,” I said with a sigh.
“You can’t help who you love.”
I looked at him and had to smile. “For someone who seems to have something up his ass most of the time, you have a romantic spot in you.”
“I have my moments.” Nino smiled back. “Listen, I’m a bitch to you because you and I are alike, and I hate it.”
I laughed. He says the most ridiculous things sometimes.
“See? I used to love this man a while back,” he continued. “But the thing is, he was straight and had a girlfriend. Well, I thought he was straight, but my gay radar never lies. Still, looking back, I knew it’d never work between us. You just have to be patient. I’m sure the right guy will come along in due time.” Nino gets up. “Well, I gotta go. I hate doing this mushy crap.”
“Hey, Neen,” I said. He scowled again when I called him that nickname. “After you got over that first boy, was that when you met Satoshi?”
Nino smiled coyly. “Of course. It was through him I met his cousin.” He winked at me and turned to leave.
It took a moment to realize that Nino was talking about me. Nino, bratty as always. But he was right, though. I just had to be patient and somehow, when fate smiles on me again, the right guy would come along.
*****
A/N: Thanks for reading.