Final present for smcki10
Category: Fic
Title: Fools Like Me
Recipient: smcki10
Author:Rhi/ vipersweb
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: The characters, etc, of SGA don't belong to us. For fun, not profit.
Size: 4480
Author's Note: First, very sorry at the delay in posting this. Real life came down hard and I couldn't get this out earlier. Secondly, I hope your holiday season was fun and wish you all the best in 2010. smcki10 wanted a post-EATG fic, with Teyla bringing Torren with her on Atlantis and John's family. This follows the last ficlet. I hope you enjoy!
“Have you spoken to Dave yet?” Nancy asks John during a break. O’Neill dragged him to D.C. to sit in on IOA meetings, something he doesn’t particularly care for, but if it gets him back to Pegasus, he’ll suffer through. Just his luck that Nancy’s here too.
“Not yet,” he finally admits. “Why?” He can’t think of a reason for his ex-wife to care.
“John,” she sighs, shaking her head like she used to towards the end of the marriage. “He’s your brother and he misses you. If he finds out you’re around and haven’t contacted him, he’ll get angry.”
“But… how would he find out?” John asks.
She laughs. “Sheppard Industries has always pursued government contracts. You know that. And Dave has been pretty relentless in doing so. He might not be able to find out where you are and what you’re doing, but he will find out that you’re in D.C. It’s not exactly been hidden, has it?”
He shrugs, knowing she’s right but not wanting to admit it. “I’ll think about it.”
“Don’t think for too long,” she warns. “You can’t keep pushing everyone away. Let people into your life.”
Something she’d told him when she ended their marriage, but advice he hadn’t really taken until he went to Atlantis. He gives her a tight smile as she squeezes his hand, conveying something he doesn’t really want to identify. He wants to ignore what she’s said to him but a part of him knows she’s right. He never had the chance to make things right with his dad before his death; Dave’s sent him a couple of emails since the funeral and John’s actually responded with more than one or two lines but it doesn’t keep him from feeling uncomfortable with contacting him.
“Yo! Sheppard! You alright?” O’Neill snaps his fingers in front of his eyes, startling him out the fugue he fell into after Nancy’s comments.
“Sorry, Sir,” he apologizes. “Is the break over?”
“Yeah,” the General looks at him with a speculative air. He has the kindness to not push - or maybe he doesn’t want to get involved in John’s personal business. He doesn’t really care at this moment and is just thankful that he doesn’t have to start explaining how his ex-wife is badgering him to contact his brother.
Really, one would think he wouldn’t be such a pansy, not at his age (and this could also be why O’Neill isn’t pushing - who wants to know that one of your base commanders can’t even deal with his own family?), but he’s not been comfortable with confronting his family or his emotions since his mom died.
O’Neill clears his throat impatiently and John grimaces at the reminder. He gives the general a wan smile and files into the room and just hopes that the meeting won’t require him to actually say anything. Or remember anything important.
***
In the end, he caves. He can’t stop thinking about Nancy’s words. A discrete check here and there proves what she implied: Dave’s been quietly checking up on him, trying to find out just what he’s been up to these last few years. More worrisome is that others have made inquiries into Dave. Getting the SGC to keep an eye on him will cost him, but they won’t want the brother of Atlantis’ military commander to get too close to the Trust.
The email he sends to Dave doesn’t say much, just that he’s temporarily stationed in D.C. and wondering if they can meet for dinner. He’s both surprised and not when he gets a positive response.
It’s awkward, but then everything’s been awkward between them since mom died.
“Here for long?” Dave fishes and it takes everything John has to not flinch at the casual question, because really? He has no idea. The IOA is still dragging its heels but they could decide it’s safer to send Atlantis off of Earth at any moment.
Or at least he - and most of the expedition members - hoped.
“Not sure,” he finally admits. His gaze catches on the amber liquor in the whisky he ordered. “Bit unexpected to be here, actually. We were… unexpectedly recalled,” he offers, a means of appeasement. “Could be sent back at any time.”
“And you can’t tell me where, right?” Dave asks. “Of course not,” he answers for himself. “Top secret or something like that.”
John shifts in his seat, feeling uncomfortable because he knows it’s a shit excuse but he can’t exactly hint at what he’s been doing the last few years. Can’t even tell the small white lies he used to be able to about where he was flying or connect it to vague newspaper reports. He doesn’t even know where the SGC has him stationed out of nowadays, whether he’s still technically attached to McMurdo or if they brought him to Cheyenne Mountain.
“Sorry,” he finally says, just to say something. “Wish I could but…” he trails off. Wishes he could share the amazing - and terrifying - things he’s seen in Pegasus or on Atlantis. Wishes he could show his brother how much he’s changed and the rage he’s always harbored since their mom’s death has slowly disappeared under the responsibility of Atlantis and the friendship and love of his team. Wishes he could tell Dave about Torren and Teyla and how he’s pretty sure he loves her and how much it terrifies him.
Dave sighs in response and takes a sip of his scotch. “Figured. Just… are you happy?” His gaze pierces John’s, just like their father’s would, when he would brook no lies or half-truths or evasions. It causes a pang of hurt in John’s chest, makes him wonder just what his father would think of him if he saw him now and saw what he did - knew what he did.
So he gives Dave the courtesy of the truth, which means he has to really look inside himself and face the emotions he much rather push down and hide away. He gives a half-surprised snort when he realizes he is happy, despite being back on Earth when he feels like he should be in Pegasus and finishing off the Wraith. “Yeah, yeah I am,” he tells him, a hint of wonder in his voice. “I wish… I really wish I could tell you what I’m doing. It’s amazing.” He doesn’t realize it but there’s a light in his eyes that Dave has never seen and it’s enough to reassure him that whatever else his brother might be doing, it’s good for him.
***
The IOA is still dragging their feet by the time John’s sent back to San Francisco. O’Neill and Woolsey both assure him that Atlantis will go back to Pegasus, that they just have to appease the various members and then it’ll happen. He’s unhappy and he hopes the IOA releases Atlantis and the expedition back to Pegasus before Ronon and Teyla demand to be sent back. They’ve been patient so far, but Earth and the Milky Way aren’t their homes - or his, not anymore.
He’s careful to keep that last bit to himself. No need to cause worry.
Atlantis is such a relief to get back to, even if he’s traded one sort of meetings for another kind and the occasional trip through the ‘gate. McKay’s buried in the bowels of Atlantis, trying to learn as much as possible before they’re sent back to Pegasus and he doesn’t have the time - that is, when Katie’s not dragging him to San Francisco for dinner or culture. Keller’s doing her best to show Ronon everything Earth has to offer and they keep taking trips up and down the California coast. Teyla makes the occasional trip to the mainland, eager to see more of Earth, but seems just as content to remain on Atlantis and teach the anthropologists and linguists as much about Athos and the Athosian language as possible.
The team still spends time together, though not as much as they have in the past. Inevitable really, when half of them are in separate relationships. He’s not quite sure whether Teyla’s still with Kanaan - suspects she’s not since he moved off of Atlantis but she stayed - and is too cowardly to ask.
He’s kind of hoping Ronon will let him know and he realizes it’s all kinds of pathetic but there it is.
Want John Sheppard to fly into almost certain death? No problem. Want him to confront his emotions or let people in? He’d rather be tortured.
***
Except that… John’s a lot stronger than he lets on, even to himself. Sure, he could wait for Ronon to discretely (well overtly because face it, it’s Ronon and tact isn’t exactly his forte) inform him of Teyla’s interest or lack thereof. He doesn’t want that though because then it would mean that his infatuation (love) and emotional vulnerability towards Teyla was common knowledge to people - because face it, if Ronon knows, then others do too - and that’s not something he really wants to face or deal with.
He finds Teyla not long after her returns, right where he knew she’d be: sitting on one of the balconies that overlooks the Bay and playing with Torren.
“How was your trip?” she asks after several moments of silence. He doesn’t ask how she knew he was standing there.
“Okay, I guess,” he answers. “Lots of meetings, so you know…”
Her face lights up with a knowing grin. “It must have been very trying.”
He shrugs and rubs the back of his neck in a gesture of nervousness. “It was. Saw Dave though, so I guess that was good.”
“Your brother?” she probes.
“Mmm… yeah. Nancy told me I should get in touch with him, before he found out I was around,” he replies, not really thinking about what he was saying. Instead, he’s focusing on how pretty Teyla looks, with the sun streaming through shield hand bringing out the red highlights in her hair, her skin gleaming and her eyes soft with love and fondness.
“Nancy?” Teyla asks and he closes his in frustration. How could he mention his ex-wife in front of her? When he came out here to ask her on an actual date?
“Yeah, uh…” he stammers. “Right. So you know I was once married? She works for the Department of Homeland Security now, and um… she was there for some of the meetings.”
“Ronon did mention her. You are still close?” Her eyes gaze into his, looking for something he can’t decipher.
“Not really,” he admits and takes a seat next to her. His heart beats faster as he realizes that this is it. “I married Nance because I thought it would make my father happy. I thought I loved her.” He shook his head at his naivety. “She realized long before me that it wasn’t working. I didn’t want to believe we couldn’t make it work for a very long time. She finally took matters in her own hand and filed for divorce. Can’t really blame her.”
“Why?” Teyla asks. He sneaks a sidelong glance at her and sees her maintaining a calm demeanor. It gives him the courage to continue.
“Having a spouse in the military can be hard. I went on a lot of missions I couldn’t talk about with her. She didn’t like the secrecy and wanted me to leave the Air Force. I didn’t want to give up flying so…” he finishes with a shrug. “I think… I think by the time she made her ultimatum I knew it was over. I loved flying more than her.”
“And now?”
He gives another shrug. “I’m happy where I am.”
“Did you enjoy your visit with your brother?”
“I guess. It was… it was good to see him,” John admits. He’s a bit startled to realize he’s not just saying it to be polite. He was happy to see his brother. “Huh…” he chews his lips as he turns it over his mind. “I guess it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.”
“I am happy you enjoyed your time away from Atlantis,” Teyla tells him. Torren gurgles as he wakes from his nap and she takes him into her arms.
“I missed you,” he blurts out, afraid that if he doesn’t act now, he never will. “When I was gone. I kept wondering how you were. And the squirt.”
She gives him a soft smile. “We missed you too.” She stands, perfectly balanced with Torren in her arms and makes to leave the balcony. “Perhaps you can show us some more of San Francisco tomorrow,” she suggests. John struggles to hide the grin that threatens to break across his face.
“Sounds nice. After lunch?”
She nods regally and leaves him to contemplate the way the sun sparkles over the water. He’s in an inexplicably good mood for the rest of the day, to the point where Ronon looks at him sideways and McKay keeps asking him if he needs to see Carson or Keller. He ignores them.
***
There’s a frisson of energy that hadn’t been present in their previous trips to San Francisco. Maybe it’s because Teyla was the one to suggest they go but John thinks that maybe, just maybe this is the start of something more for them and he’s determined nothing will ruin this for them.
By now, it’s a common sight for Teyla and Torren to accompany John to the city and no one bats an eye when they disembark from the boat that takes them to the shore. Teyla appears as serene as ever, but he knows her well enough by now to see the slight tremble of nerves. He keeps the concern off his face but it also gives him hope that this trip means more to her than the previous ones.
“Hey, you okay?” he asks her as they wander through Golden Gate Park. “It’s just… you seem a bit off,” he hastens to explain as she gives him an arch look.
“I am enjoying our trip,” she says and he thinks she’s purposefully misinterpreting his concern. “But perhaps we can sit?” she suggests, nodding towards one of the benches that dot the park.
“Sure,” he agrees and directs her to one that is empty and a bit secluded from others. Not that he thinks people will listen in on them or anything, but he wants the illusion of privacy.
“John,” she begins, turning her body so she can look at him while they speak. Torren is strapped to her chest and looking around with wide eyes. “I have wanted to ask you something, but I am uncertain how to.”
“You know you can ask me anything,” John tells her earnestly.
“I have noticed that you seem to enjoy spending time with Torren and me,” she observes.
“Well, yeah,” John agrees. “He’s a great kid.”
“Did you want children with your… with Nancy?” she asks, her brow wrinkling as it usually does when she’s trying to understand something but doesn’t know quite how to ask.
The question surprises John; he leans back against the bench, arms crossed and legs stretched out before him and thinks about what she asked. “I guess so. I mean, I assumed we would have kids at some point. Just… I was going on these missions and well… I didn’t want to leave Nancy with a kid if I uh… well, you know,” he finishes, feeling awkward.
“If you died,” she finishes for him, nodding her head slowly. “I did not understand why the expedition did not have families when we first met. Even when the Wraith awoke again you did not seek to ensure that your family line continued. It was very odd. Despite not having family in Pegasus, you have fought against the Wraith with a fierceness not seen in generations and given us hope.”
“We’ve made mistakes,” John points out. He winces as he remembers the very big mistake they made - Michael and the nightmare he put Teyla and the Athosian through.
“I know,” she nods. “You are not perfect, no matter what you may claim,” she says, her lips quirking into an amused smile. “You have tried to make things better though, even when you misstep.”
“Right, er… thanks?” John offers. He has no idea where she’s going with this but he knows she’ll get there eventually. Or at least lead him to the conclusion she wants him to get.
“Do you know why I made you Torren’s godfather?”
“Um… not really,” he flushes. It still fills him with pride.
“I knew you would do everything in your power to protect him if anything ever happened to me,” she tells him.
“I would have anyway,” he says. Unspoken is that Torren is a part of her and a child.
“It is a position of honor among my people.”
“It is here too,” John volunteers. “Being a godparent, I mean. Or at least with some people.”
She nods serenely. “You would care for Torren as your own if you had to.” She sounds absolutely certain in this.
“Yes,” he agrees. “Teyla -”
“John,” she cuts him off. “I know.” She doesn’t say anything more - doesn’t explain what she knows or thinks she knows and it confuses him.
“I’m not sure I get what you’re saying Teyla.”
“I know,” and she smiles a sad smile before standing up. “Come. I want to see more of this park before dinner.”
He has no idea what has just happened but trails after her. It doesn’t take long before they begin speaking on a neutral topic again. It is still very odd and he has no idea what she meant.
***
Dave sends him an email; he’s flying to San Francisco on business - or so he claims - and wants to meet John for dinner. “Bring a friend, if you want,” he writes and it sends John into a paroxysm of nervousness. He wants to invite Teyla but he’s not sure what she’ll think.
She’d be an idiot to not realize that introducing her his brother is tantamount to declaring he loves her - or at least likes her a lot. More than a teammate at least. He doesn’t know why his brother mentioned it, but he must have said or done something for his brother to write that.
“So, um… Dave is in town and wants to go to dinner,” he informs Teyla the next day. They’re sitting on the balcony she’s more or less claimed as her own, Torren on the blanket she has spread for him and playing with some toys John and McKay bought for him.
“Are you going?” she asks.
“Yeah… I kinda should,” he admits with a shrug. “I mean, our relationship still needs work but I think he understand me better. Or at least gets that I’m happy doing what I’m doing now.”
She looks up and gives him a smile. “That is good.”
“Yeah. I um… I wanted you to come with me,” he blurts out.
She tilts her head and examines him. He does his best not to squirm under her gaze. “Would that be proper?”
“He said I should bring someone with me and well. I thought that you…” he trails off, feeling embarrassed. Perhaps he’s misread her and maybe she doesn’t think of him the same way he thinks of her.
She shakes her head and laughs. “You constantly surprise me.”
“Oh… is that a good thing?” he wonders.
“Perhaps.” She turns to look out to the water. “I will ask Katie or Jennifer to watch Torren. What time are we going to San Francisco?”
It takes him a moment to realize she agrees but once he does, he scrambles to tell her the time. Not long afterwards, he skulks off. He doesn’t want to say something that’ll change her mind. He’s also in a remarkably good mood for the rest of the day, though no one actually comments on it.
***
Teyla looks gorgeous. She always does, but tonight, dressed in the height of Earth fashion - and he has to wonder when she bought such clothes - she looks amazing. He stutters when he sees her, something that seems to amuse her.
“I take it I will suit,” she drily comments. He nods dumbly, before offering her his arm to escort her to the boat that’s taking them to the shore. He scowls at those who give her a once over, feeling proprietary over her. He wants to declare he’s off limits, that she’s his but knows if he even hints that she can’t take care of herself that she’d kick his ass with her bantos rods.
He has a healthy fear of them.
It is almost torture having to sit next to her on the boat and keep his hands to himself. He’s not sure how he’s going to last through dinner. She doesn’t help; she’s wearing a perfume he’s never smelled on her before and it’s intoxicating. She leans into him as the boat skips across the waves and he has to brace himself when she lets her hand rest on his leg.
He wonders if she’s doing it on purpose; sneaking a sideways glance at her and noting the small smirk on her face, he thinks she is.
***
Dave is surprisingly gracious towards Teyla. He accepts the vague explanation of why Teyla is in San Franciso even as John winces at the lameness of the excuse.
“You work with my brother, then,” he says to her over appetizers.
“Yes. For several years now,” she smiles. “He is a good man.”
“I know,” Dave agrees and it makes John squirm. He tries to turn the conversation to other things but Dave inevitably brings it back to him and how Teyla knows him. Not probing to find out what he does, but more like a brother vetting a love interest.
It’s oddly flattering even as John holds his breath while Teyla delicately deflects any question that would reveal things Dave can’t know.
“She’s a good woman,” Dave tells him while she’s in the restroom. “Don’t let her go.”
“We’re not together,” John protests.
“Then you’re a fool. Because you sure act like you are.”
And yeah, he probably is and does.
***
“Your brother seemed nice,” she comments as he walks her back to her door on their return to Atlantis.
“He likes you,” he blurts out. “I mean… he told me you’re good for me.”
“It is good that your brother cares for you,” she smiles.
“He’s right,” he admits. His heart is pounding and he can feel Atlantis pulsing gently in his mind, encouraging him or maybe it’s just his imagination and his need for a shot of courage. “About you being good for me. You are.”
She looks at him with a question in her eye. He bites his lip and rubs his neck before deciding it’s now or never.
“I like you Teyla. More than I should, if you’re on my team and under my command.”
“John?”
“I… look. I’m not very good at this. You know that,” he laughs self-deprecatingly.
“Why do we not return to my quarters,” she suggests. He starts as he realizes they’re standing in the middle of the corridor.
“Right. Yeah. That’d be good.” If she’s going to let him down - especially if she’s going to let him down - he doesn’t want witnesses.
Tension fills the hall and his heart pounds with emotions he can’t really identify as they walk the last bit of distance to her rooms. Tonight has been the closest he has ever come to revealing just how much he cares for her. He has no idea if he’ll actually succumb to the oblique pressure Nancy and Dave have placed on him to not let something - someone - as good as Teyla get away from him and finally (finally - because let’s face it: this isn’t a crush, not after five years) stop pretending they’re just friends and teammates and nothing more. He wants to but he’s afraid. Afraid that this’ll change everything.
Entering her room, John feels like he did that first time he stepped through the Stargate: this is big and momentous and whatever happens next is going to change his life irrevocably.
She seems to sense his nervousness or maybe she just knows him because Teyla doesn’t try to crowd him or push him to speak. She gracefully sits on the couch she managed to requisition and waits for him to say what he will. He paces, full of nervous energy as he tries to put into words what he feels, what he wants.
“John,” she finally says when she seems to realize he can’t seem to start. He looks to her and gives her a pained smile. “What is bothering you?”
“Nothing’s bothering me - no really nothing is,” he insists as he catches her skeptical look. He sighs. “This isn’t going well. I…” He closes his eyes and tries to sort his thoughts. “I’m not real good at expressing my emotions. You know that.” He grimaces at her nod. “It’s taken me a while to admit it but you’re important. To me.”
She frowns in confusion. “I do not understand. Are not Rodney and Ronon also important to you?”
“Of course they are!” he huffs in frustration. “But not in the same way.” With his head down, he doesn’t see the mischievous look on her face so it takes him completely by surprise when he feels her take his hands in hers and brings him to the couch.
“Sit,” she orders and he obeys without hesitation. “Are you trying to tell me that you have not been asking me to San Francisco just ‘as friends’?” and he can hear the quote marks around the last part.
“Um… yes?” he blurts out.
She laughs. “Oh, John. Only you.”
He doesn’t know what that means and it must show on his face because she shakes her head in exasperation.
“John, I have known or at least guessed for quite a while that you desire… something more with me than just friendship.”
“Oh.” It takes a moment for that to sink in for him. “Does that mean…?” and he can’t help the hopeful note in his voice.
“Yes,” she tells him firmly.
“That’s… uh, that’s great,” he manages to stutter out. She decides to take pity on him and kisses him.
Kissing Teyla is like the first time he sat in the chair down in Antarctica. It’s like coming home, with energy and sparks that zip and fling through his body and the complete and utter feeling of rightness.
It’s really kind of perfect.
/fin
Title: Fools Like Me
Recipient: smcki10
Author:Rhi/ vipersweb
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: The characters, etc, of SGA don't belong to us. For fun, not profit.
Size: 4480
Author's Note: First, very sorry at the delay in posting this. Real life came down hard and I couldn't get this out earlier. Secondly, I hope your holiday season was fun and wish you all the best in 2010. smcki10 wanted a post-EATG fic, with Teyla bringing Torren with her on Atlantis and John's family. This follows the last ficlet. I hope you enjoy!
“Have you spoken to Dave yet?” Nancy asks John during a break. O’Neill dragged him to D.C. to sit in on IOA meetings, something he doesn’t particularly care for, but if it gets him back to Pegasus, he’ll suffer through. Just his luck that Nancy’s here too.
“Not yet,” he finally admits. “Why?” He can’t think of a reason for his ex-wife to care.
“John,” she sighs, shaking her head like she used to towards the end of the marriage. “He’s your brother and he misses you. If he finds out you’re around and haven’t contacted him, he’ll get angry.”
“But… how would he find out?” John asks.
She laughs. “Sheppard Industries has always pursued government contracts. You know that. And Dave has been pretty relentless in doing so. He might not be able to find out where you are and what you’re doing, but he will find out that you’re in D.C. It’s not exactly been hidden, has it?”
He shrugs, knowing she’s right but not wanting to admit it. “I’ll think about it.”
“Don’t think for too long,” she warns. “You can’t keep pushing everyone away. Let people into your life.”
Something she’d told him when she ended their marriage, but advice he hadn’t really taken until he went to Atlantis. He gives her a tight smile as she squeezes his hand, conveying something he doesn’t really want to identify. He wants to ignore what she’s said to him but a part of him knows she’s right. He never had the chance to make things right with his dad before his death; Dave’s sent him a couple of emails since the funeral and John’s actually responded with more than one or two lines but it doesn’t keep him from feeling uncomfortable with contacting him.
“Yo! Sheppard! You alright?” O’Neill snaps his fingers in front of his eyes, startling him out the fugue he fell into after Nancy’s comments.
“Sorry, Sir,” he apologizes. “Is the break over?”
“Yeah,” the General looks at him with a speculative air. He has the kindness to not push - or maybe he doesn’t want to get involved in John’s personal business. He doesn’t really care at this moment and is just thankful that he doesn’t have to start explaining how his ex-wife is badgering him to contact his brother.
Really, one would think he wouldn’t be such a pansy, not at his age (and this could also be why O’Neill isn’t pushing - who wants to know that one of your base commanders can’t even deal with his own family?), but he’s not been comfortable with confronting his family or his emotions since his mom died.
O’Neill clears his throat impatiently and John grimaces at the reminder. He gives the general a wan smile and files into the room and just hopes that the meeting won’t require him to actually say anything. Or remember anything important.
***
In the end, he caves. He can’t stop thinking about Nancy’s words. A discrete check here and there proves what she implied: Dave’s been quietly checking up on him, trying to find out just what he’s been up to these last few years. More worrisome is that others have made inquiries into Dave. Getting the SGC to keep an eye on him will cost him, but they won’t want the brother of Atlantis’ military commander to get too close to the Trust.
The email he sends to Dave doesn’t say much, just that he’s temporarily stationed in D.C. and wondering if they can meet for dinner. He’s both surprised and not when he gets a positive response.
It’s awkward, but then everything’s been awkward between them since mom died.
“Here for long?” Dave fishes and it takes everything John has to not flinch at the casual question, because really? He has no idea. The IOA is still dragging its heels but they could decide it’s safer to send Atlantis off of Earth at any moment.
Or at least he - and most of the expedition members - hoped.
“Not sure,” he finally admits. His gaze catches on the amber liquor in the whisky he ordered. “Bit unexpected to be here, actually. We were… unexpectedly recalled,” he offers, a means of appeasement. “Could be sent back at any time.”
“And you can’t tell me where, right?” Dave asks. “Of course not,” he answers for himself. “Top secret or something like that.”
John shifts in his seat, feeling uncomfortable because he knows it’s a shit excuse but he can’t exactly hint at what he’s been doing the last few years. Can’t even tell the small white lies he used to be able to about where he was flying or connect it to vague newspaper reports. He doesn’t even know where the SGC has him stationed out of nowadays, whether he’s still technically attached to McMurdo or if they brought him to Cheyenne Mountain.
“Sorry,” he finally says, just to say something. “Wish I could but…” he trails off. Wishes he could share the amazing - and terrifying - things he’s seen in Pegasus or on Atlantis. Wishes he could show his brother how much he’s changed and the rage he’s always harbored since their mom’s death has slowly disappeared under the responsibility of Atlantis and the friendship and love of his team. Wishes he could tell Dave about Torren and Teyla and how he’s pretty sure he loves her and how much it terrifies him.
Dave sighs in response and takes a sip of his scotch. “Figured. Just… are you happy?” His gaze pierces John’s, just like their father’s would, when he would brook no lies or half-truths or evasions. It causes a pang of hurt in John’s chest, makes him wonder just what his father would think of him if he saw him now and saw what he did - knew what he did.
So he gives Dave the courtesy of the truth, which means he has to really look inside himself and face the emotions he much rather push down and hide away. He gives a half-surprised snort when he realizes he is happy, despite being back on Earth when he feels like he should be in Pegasus and finishing off the Wraith. “Yeah, yeah I am,” he tells him, a hint of wonder in his voice. “I wish… I really wish I could tell you what I’m doing. It’s amazing.” He doesn’t realize it but there’s a light in his eyes that Dave has never seen and it’s enough to reassure him that whatever else his brother might be doing, it’s good for him.
***
The IOA is still dragging their feet by the time John’s sent back to San Francisco. O’Neill and Woolsey both assure him that Atlantis will go back to Pegasus, that they just have to appease the various members and then it’ll happen. He’s unhappy and he hopes the IOA releases Atlantis and the expedition back to Pegasus before Ronon and Teyla demand to be sent back. They’ve been patient so far, but Earth and the Milky Way aren’t their homes - or his, not anymore.
He’s careful to keep that last bit to himself. No need to cause worry.
Atlantis is such a relief to get back to, even if he’s traded one sort of meetings for another kind and the occasional trip through the ‘gate. McKay’s buried in the bowels of Atlantis, trying to learn as much as possible before they’re sent back to Pegasus and he doesn’t have the time - that is, when Katie’s not dragging him to San Francisco for dinner or culture. Keller’s doing her best to show Ronon everything Earth has to offer and they keep taking trips up and down the California coast. Teyla makes the occasional trip to the mainland, eager to see more of Earth, but seems just as content to remain on Atlantis and teach the anthropologists and linguists as much about Athos and the Athosian language as possible.
The team still spends time together, though not as much as they have in the past. Inevitable really, when half of them are in separate relationships. He’s not quite sure whether Teyla’s still with Kanaan - suspects she’s not since he moved off of Atlantis but she stayed - and is too cowardly to ask.
He’s kind of hoping Ronon will let him know and he realizes it’s all kinds of pathetic but there it is.
Want John Sheppard to fly into almost certain death? No problem. Want him to confront his emotions or let people in? He’d rather be tortured.
***
Except that… John’s a lot stronger than he lets on, even to himself. Sure, he could wait for Ronon to discretely (well overtly because face it, it’s Ronon and tact isn’t exactly his forte) inform him of Teyla’s interest or lack thereof. He doesn’t want that though because then it would mean that his infatuation (love) and emotional vulnerability towards Teyla was common knowledge to people - because face it, if Ronon knows, then others do too - and that’s not something he really wants to face or deal with.
He finds Teyla not long after her returns, right where he knew she’d be: sitting on one of the balconies that overlooks the Bay and playing with Torren.
“How was your trip?” she asks after several moments of silence. He doesn’t ask how she knew he was standing there.
“Okay, I guess,” he answers. “Lots of meetings, so you know…”
Her face lights up with a knowing grin. “It must have been very trying.”
He shrugs and rubs the back of his neck in a gesture of nervousness. “It was. Saw Dave though, so I guess that was good.”
“Your brother?” she probes.
“Mmm… yeah. Nancy told me I should get in touch with him, before he found out I was around,” he replies, not really thinking about what he was saying. Instead, he’s focusing on how pretty Teyla looks, with the sun streaming through shield hand bringing out the red highlights in her hair, her skin gleaming and her eyes soft with love and fondness.
“Nancy?” Teyla asks and he closes his in frustration. How could he mention his ex-wife in front of her? When he came out here to ask her on an actual date?
“Yeah, uh…” he stammers. “Right. So you know I was once married? She works for the Department of Homeland Security now, and um… she was there for some of the meetings.”
“Ronon did mention her. You are still close?” Her eyes gaze into his, looking for something he can’t decipher.
“Not really,” he admits and takes a seat next to her. His heart beats faster as he realizes that this is it. “I married Nance because I thought it would make my father happy. I thought I loved her.” He shook his head at his naivety. “She realized long before me that it wasn’t working. I didn’t want to believe we couldn’t make it work for a very long time. She finally took matters in her own hand and filed for divorce. Can’t really blame her.”
“Why?” Teyla asks. He sneaks a sidelong glance at her and sees her maintaining a calm demeanor. It gives him the courage to continue.
“Having a spouse in the military can be hard. I went on a lot of missions I couldn’t talk about with her. She didn’t like the secrecy and wanted me to leave the Air Force. I didn’t want to give up flying so…” he finishes with a shrug. “I think… I think by the time she made her ultimatum I knew it was over. I loved flying more than her.”
“And now?”
He gives another shrug. “I’m happy where I am.”
“Did you enjoy your visit with your brother?”
“I guess. It was… it was good to see him,” John admits. He’s a bit startled to realize he’s not just saying it to be polite. He was happy to see his brother. “Huh…” he chews his lips as he turns it over his mind. “I guess it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.”
“I am happy you enjoyed your time away from Atlantis,” Teyla tells him. Torren gurgles as he wakes from his nap and she takes him into her arms.
“I missed you,” he blurts out, afraid that if he doesn’t act now, he never will. “When I was gone. I kept wondering how you were. And the squirt.”
She gives him a soft smile. “We missed you too.” She stands, perfectly balanced with Torren in her arms and makes to leave the balcony. “Perhaps you can show us some more of San Francisco tomorrow,” she suggests. John struggles to hide the grin that threatens to break across his face.
“Sounds nice. After lunch?”
She nods regally and leaves him to contemplate the way the sun sparkles over the water. He’s in an inexplicably good mood for the rest of the day, to the point where Ronon looks at him sideways and McKay keeps asking him if he needs to see Carson or Keller. He ignores them.
***
There’s a frisson of energy that hadn’t been present in their previous trips to San Francisco. Maybe it’s because Teyla was the one to suggest they go but John thinks that maybe, just maybe this is the start of something more for them and he’s determined nothing will ruin this for them.
By now, it’s a common sight for Teyla and Torren to accompany John to the city and no one bats an eye when they disembark from the boat that takes them to the shore. Teyla appears as serene as ever, but he knows her well enough by now to see the slight tremble of nerves. He keeps the concern off his face but it also gives him hope that this trip means more to her than the previous ones.
“Hey, you okay?” he asks her as they wander through Golden Gate Park. “It’s just… you seem a bit off,” he hastens to explain as she gives him an arch look.
“I am enjoying our trip,” she says and he thinks she’s purposefully misinterpreting his concern. “But perhaps we can sit?” she suggests, nodding towards one of the benches that dot the park.
“Sure,” he agrees and directs her to one that is empty and a bit secluded from others. Not that he thinks people will listen in on them or anything, but he wants the illusion of privacy.
“John,” she begins, turning her body so she can look at him while they speak. Torren is strapped to her chest and looking around with wide eyes. “I have wanted to ask you something, but I am uncertain how to.”
“You know you can ask me anything,” John tells her earnestly.
“I have noticed that you seem to enjoy spending time with Torren and me,” she observes.
“Well, yeah,” John agrees. “He’s a great kid.”
“Did you want children with your… with Nancy?” she asks, her brow wrinkling as it usually does when she’s trying to understand something but doesn’t know quite how to ask.
The question surprises John; he leans back against the bench, arms crossed and legs stretched out before him and thinks about what she asked. “I guess so. I mean, I assumed we would have kids at some point. Just… I was going on these missions and well… I didn’t want to leave Nancy with a kid if I uh… well, you know,” he finishes, feeling awkward.
“If you died,” she finishes for him, nodding her head slowly. “I did not understand why the expedition did not have families when we first met. Even when the Wraith awoke again you did not seek to ensure that your family line continued. It was very odd. Despite not having family in Pegasus, you have fought against the Wraith with a fierceness not seen in generations and given us hope.”
“We’ve made mistakes,” John points out. He winces as he remembers the very big mistake they made - Michael and the nightmare he put Teyla and the Athosian through.
“I know,” she nods. “You are not perfect, no matter what you may claim,” she says, her lips quirking into an amused smile. “You have tried to make things better though, even when you misstep.”
“Right, er… thanks?” John offers. He has no idea where she’s going with this but he knows she’ll get there eventually. Or at least lead him to the conclusion she wants him to get.
“Do you know why I made you Torren’s godfather?”
“Um… not really,” he flushes. It still fills him with pride.
“I knew you would do everything in your power to protect him if anything ever happened to me,” she tells him.
“I would have anyway,” he says. Unspoken is that Torren is a part of her and a child.
“It is a position of honor among my people.”
“It is here too,” John volunteers. “Being a godparent, I mean. Or at least with some people.”
She nods serenely. “You would care for Torren as your own if you had to.” She sounds absolutely certain in this.
“Yes,” he agrees. “Teyla -”
“John,” she cuts him off. “I know.” She doesn’t say anything more - doesn’t explain what she knows or thinks she knows and it confuses him.
“I’m not sure I get what you’re saying Teyla.”
“I know,” and she smiles a sad smile before standing up. “Come. I want to see more of this park before dinner.”
He has no idea what has just happened but trails after her. It doesn’t take long before they begin speaking on a neutral topic again. It is still very odd and he has no idea what she meant.
***
Dave sends him an email; he’s flying to San Francisco on business - or so he claims - and wants to meet John for dinner. “Bring a friend, if you want,” he writes and it sends John into a paroxysm of nervousness. He wants to invite Teyla but he’s not sure what she’ll think.
She’d be an idiot to not realize that introducing her his brother is tantamount to declaring he loves her - or at least likes her a lot. More than a teammate at least. He doesn’t know why his brother mentioned it, but he must have said or done something for his brother to write that.
“So, um… Dave is in town and wants to go to dinner,” he informs Teyla the next day. They’re sitting on the balcony she’s more or less claimed as her own, Torren on the blanket she has spread for him and playing with some toys John and McKay bought for him.
“Are you going?” she asks.
“Yeah… I kinda should,” he admits with a shrug. “I mean, our relationship still needs work but I think he understand me better. Or at least gets that I’m happy doing what I’m doing now.”
She looks up and gives him a smile. “That is good.”
“Yeah. I um… I wanted you to come with me,” he blurts out.
She tilts her head and examines him. He does his best not to squirm under her gaze. “Would that be proper?”
“He said I should bring someone with me and well. I thought that you…” he trails off, feeling embarrassed. Perhaps he’s misread her and maybe she doesn’t think of him the same way he thinks of her.
She shakes her head and laughs. “You constantly surprise me.”
“Oh… is that a good thing?” he wonders.
“Perhaps.” She turns to look out to the water. “I will ask Katie or Jennifer to watch Torren. What time are we going to San Francisco?”
It takes him a moment to realize she agrees but once he does, he scrambles to tell her the time. Not long afterwards, he skulks off. He doesn’t want to say something that’ll change her mind. He’s also in a remarkably good mood for the rest of the day, though no one actually comments on it.
***
Teyla looks gorgeous. She always does, but tonight, dressed in the height of Earth fashion - and he has to wonder when she bought such clothes - she looks amazing. He stutters when he sees her, something that seems to amuse her.
“I take it I will suit,” she drily comments. He nods dumbly, before offering her his arm to escort her to the boat that’s taking them to the shore. He scowls at those who give her a once over, feeling proprietary over her. He wants to declare he’s off limits, that she’s his but knows if he even hints that she can’t take care of herself that she’d kick his ass with her bantos rods.
He has a healthy fear of them.
It is almost torture having to sit next to her on the boat and keep his hands to himself. He’s not sure how he’s going to last through dinner. She doesn’t help; she’s wearing a perfume he’s never smelled on her before and it’s intoxicating. She leans into him as the boat skips across the waves and he has to brace himself when she lets her hand rest on his leg.
He wonders if she’s doing it on purpose; sneaking a sideways glance at her and noting the small smirk on her face, he thinks she is.
***
Dave is surprisingly gracious towards Teyla. He accepts the vague explanation of why Teyla is in San Franciso even as John winces at the lameness of the excuse.
“You work with my brother, then,” he says to her over appetizers.
“Yes. For several years now,” she smiles. “He is a good man.”
“I know,” Dave agrees and it makes John squirm. He tries to turn the conversation to other things but Dave inevitably brings it back to him and how Teyla knows him. Not probing to find out what he does, but more like a brother vetting a love interest.
It’s oddly flattering even as John holds his breath while Teyla delicately deflects any question that would reveal things Dave can’t know.
“She’s a good woman,” Dave tells him while she’s in the restroom. “Don’t let her go.”
“We’re not together,” John protests.
“Then you’re a fool. Because you sure act like you are.”
And yeah, he probably is and does.
***
“Your brother seemed nice,” she comments as he walks her back to her door on their return to Atlantis.
“He likes you,” he blurts out. “I mean… he told me you’re good for me.”
“It is good that your brother cares for you,” she smiles.
“He’s right,” he admits. His heart is pounding and he can feel Atlantis pulsing gently in his mind, encouraging him or maybe it’s just his imagination and his need for a shot of courage. “About you being good for me. You are.”
She looks at him with a question in her eye. He bites his lip and rubs his neck before deciding it’s now or never.
“I like you Teyla. More than I should, if you’re on my team and under my command.”
“John?”
“I… look. I’m not very good at this. You know that,” he laughs self-deprecatingly.
“Why do we not return to my quarters,” she suggests. He starts as he realizes they’re standing in the middle of the corridor.
“Right. Yeah. That’d be good.” If she’s going to let him down - especially if she’s going to let him down - he doesn’t want witnesses.
Tension fills the hall and his heart pounds with emotions he can’t really identify as they walk the last bit of distance to her rooms. Tonight has been the closest he has ever come to revealing just how much he cares for her. He has no idea if he’ll actually succumb to the oblique pressure Nancy and Dave have placed on him to not let something - someone - as good as Teyla get away from him and finally (finally - because let’s face it: this isn’t a crush, not after five years) stop pretending they’re just friends and teammates and nothing more. He wants to but he’s afraid. Afraid that this’ll change everything.
Entering her room, John feels like he did that first time he stepped through the Stargate: this is big and momentous and whatever happens next is going to change his life irrevocably.
She seems to sense his nervousness or maybe she just knows him because Teyla doesn’t try to crowd him or push him to speak. She gracefully sits on the couch she managed to requisition and waits for him to say what he will. He paces, full of nervous energy as he tries to put into words what he feels, what he wants.
“John,” she finally says when she seems to realize he can’t seem to start. He looks to her and gives her a pained smile. “What is bothering you?”
“Nothing’s bothering me - no really nothing is,” he insists as he catches her skeptical look. He sighs. “This isn’t going well. I…” He closes his eyes and tries to sort his thoughts. “I’m not real good at expressing my emotions. You know that.” He grimaces at her nod. “It’s taken me a while to admit it but you’re important. To me.”
She frowns in confusion. “I do not understand. Are not Rodney and Ronon also important to you?”
“Of course they are!” he huffs in frustration. “But not in the same way.” With his head down, he doesn’t see the mischievous look on her face so it takes him completely by surprise when he feels her take his hands in hers and brings him to the couch.
“Sit,” she orders and he obeys without hesitation. “Are you trying to tell me that you have not been asking me to San Francisco just ‘as friends’?” and he can hear the quote marks around the last part.
“Um… yes?” he blurts out.
She laughs. “Oh, John. Only you.”
He doesn’t know what that means and it must show on his face because she shakes her head in exasperation.
“John, I have known or at least guessed for quite a while that you desire… something more with me than just friendship.”
“Oh.” It takes a moment for that to sink in for him. “Does that mean…?” and he can’t help the hopeful note in his voice.
“Yes,” she tells him firmly.
“That’s… uh, that’s great,” he manages to stutter out. She decides to take pity on him and kisses him.
Kissing Teyla is like the first time he sat in the chair down in Antarctica. It’s like coming home, with energy and sparks that zip and fling through his body and the complete and utter feeling of rightness.
It’s really kind of perfect.
/fin