H50 Fic: When It Counts

[serenity_pen]

OK. so I have NEVER posted a story, drabble, blurb etc. etc. before and I am really nervous to do so now, but what the heck...nothing ventured, nothing gained!

I apologize right from the start because I know I am probably going to do something wrong in the way this gets posted so my apologies right up front.  I did some searching and really didn't

Comments

[bm_shipper]

This was sweet... but poor Danny... that must have been a shock for him... great work =D

[serenity_pen]

Thanks. I was nervous posting something. Hope I have more than one piece of work in me!

[gizzi1213]

Thank you, Thank you, thank YOU!!

It's been driving in NUTS that everyone has assumed that Danny can't swim because he made a dismissive comment about swimming. Saying that he "swims for survival", which is what he said in one early episode, is not the same as saying he can't swim. It might mean he doesn't LIKE to swim, but not that he can't.

Seriously, the man is supposed to be from New Jersey. One of the top vacation spots in New Jersey just happens to be called "The Jersey Shore." Hello! Beaches + waves + sand = people swimming!!!

So, I'm very happy to see you have Danny be a good swimmer in your story. I've been rather hoping for an episode just like this, wherein Steve, Chin or Kono would need to be the subject of a water rescue by Danny. If the show doesn't give me this episode, at least your story has made me happy!

I thought this was nicely written for your attempt at posting a story. My personal preference would be for a larger font size though! Some of us have old, tired eyes!!!

[serenity_pen]

Thank you. Font size comment noted. : )
This show hasn't let me go since day one. There is just something about Danny and Steve's relationship that tugs at my heart. And it was driving me crazy as well that everyone assumed that Danny couldn't swim. Thanks for reviewing.

[shanachie_quill]

Nice job :-) You did good work with the story, etc. And it flows nicely and takes a nice little throwaway line from the show and expands on it. Not to mention making a point that he is from Jersey and yes there is the Jersey Shore. (Just a comment though--just cause you're from Jersey doesn't necessarily mean you spend a ton of time at the shore. I rarely go to the shore and in fact went there more when I didn't actually live in Jersey.)

As for posting:
1) a larger font size will probably help--although control + will make it bigger
2) you should put your header on the comm, not just on your journal
3) you might want to put all the commentary you posted on the comm under an author's note and not on the comm--that might stop people from reading your story and/or following the links

Good luck!

[serenity_pen]

Thanks so much. Yeah - that whole Danny can't swim thing was driving me crazy. I've edited the entry and increased the font size - hopefully that will help potential future readers! Thanks again for the tips. I hope to learn from them and do better next entry.

[shanachie_quill]

He never said he couldn't swim. He said he didn't LIKE to swim. Big difference.

I hate the Shore, but I've been there numerous times.

Good luck.

[lillyg]

Yeah, I agree, it's been getting on my nerves too. But since Steve is always teasing him with that, people have probably forgotten that detail, like the one where Danny is always leading Steve to his bedroom, when the bed is in the living room near the entry...

[samjohnsson]

Good show! I definitely agree with another of your commenters - growing up in New Jersey, between the public and private pools, lakes, and the entire Jersey Shore (which, MTV show aside, is a popular summer family destination), there is almost no rational way Danny wouldn't swim at some level. Might be out of practice, and might not be used to Pacific tides, but... /rant

Anyway, this was a well-written ae. Couple bits of narrative flow weirdness that might be helped by another set of eyes (most fic comms allow beta requests ^^), but very good first shot. Looking forward to seeing what else you've got.

The only bad crit I have? That font size is horrible - I had to use a bookmarklet to read it.

[serenity_pen]

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it. I will look into getting someone to review my stuff before I post. Hopefully there will be another post! : ) I fixed the font size, hopefully it's better!

[serenity_pen]

Thanks! Glad you liked it!